To think my MIL should help out?

[Up2nogood]

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

How many of you saying she is bu would stay in someone's house and not clean up after yourselves? Leave dirty dishes after your meal? I know I wouldn't dream of it, regardless of whether I was doing then a favour or not. So on that basis, I'm going to say yanbu. It's not like you're issuing a list of chores, you just want a bit of an effort to tidy up the mess they make as they go.

But regardless, this arrangement sounds like far more hassle than it's worth. I see you want your Mil to see the children more, but ultimately that's up to her, and going through this every month is not worth it Imo.

I don't think you're being totally unreasonable actually. I obviously have a completely different group of friends to many on here but most of mine get 'free' childcare from GPs- either to go to work or for an evening out (most of us only have one so far though). According to the press it is very common nationally in terms of a certain generation having to look after GC and their own parents.

I do think GP who want to be involved on a very regular basis get something out of it - my MIL has DD one day a week (she drives to us) and the odd night and they are very close which MIL said she wanted even when I was pregnant. A monthly visit would not build the same close relationship or at least not so quickly.

She doesn't clear up after herself when she is here either which does bug me as she likes her own house pristine but I would never dream of saying anything - definitely just suck it up!

I don't feel any guilt as she is just under 60, in perfect health and has been lucky enough to not have to work for most of her life.

I am of the 'it takes a village to raise a child' mindset rather than nuclear family only mindset though.

Sorry meant to add though - the tiredness factor is not to be underestimated. My Mum and my MIL are shattered after running around after my toddler for a day so she may be exhausted and not want to say anything.

I would go down the posh ready meal route...

itmustbe I would always offer. But just because I do, doesn't mean everyone else should. When my pils come round and eat, I wouldn't expect them to clear up. I do not feel that because I would do something, that every adult should do as I do. The mil has had a small child and her own mother all day. And is, obviously, quite a bit older than the OP so is probably knackered herself.

Yes the mil gets something out of looking after the child. However she is not obliged to look after the child and could just visit when the op and her dh are around instead. She gets something out of looking after the child, but is still doing to OP a favour.

Jesus christ.

So there is a home full of three women - one of whom must be really pretty elderly by now - and the OP is expecting the other two women to do more around the house, rather than her own sodding husband to step up.

It's like the last 80 years never happened.

Look OP - I'm sure your MIL is really really happy to see her grandchildren. But there is a huge difference between seeing your grandchildren, and actually taking care of your grandchildren on a regular weekly basis. Not to mention your MIL has her own mother to look after at the same time. That's childcare. That she is providing for free of charge. Which is saving you a pretty penny.

If you need extra help around the house, then SPEAK TO YOUR HUSBAND. He is the other responsible adult in your house, not your MIL. If you are tired with the pregnancy, then HE needs to be pulling his weight more around the house - or do his responsibilities start and finish with a sperm deposit? If his wife is struggling, then either he steps up, or you two work out getting someone around once a week to do a clean and tidy to get the pressure off of you.

And for the love of god get your hot water fixed - what the hell is that about???

Agree with the cut back on food prep people. Also where is dh?

I wouldn't expect to leave all the dishes etc to the same person who cooked in any (normal life) circumstances though.

Use the money you have saved to buy pre prepped food -decent soup in cartons and lasagne, pie etc. Don't be a martyr to the cooking . Make sure dishwasher is empty when you leave for work and ask and repeat asking if they can fill it up during the day. Rope your kids in to help enforce that. "ooh granny mum says we have to fill the dishwasher"

OP is working not having a spa day once a month.
I agree though, if there's a DH around what's he doing?

Very sensible Suttonmum

It can be awkward to be in someone else's kitchen (especially if there's no hot water) not knowing where things go-but she probably will have no problem filling the dishwasher if asked-and OP really is being martyrish with food.
When MIL said "this is more than I would do" I think she was telling you that you don't need to go to so much trouble.
I don't think she's expecting it.

I've just rtft and seen that OP's mum looks after the dcs the other days. Will you be leaving 3 children with relatives for free childcare? Wow.

YANBU to feel tired and irritable Clearly I'm not being generous enough but YABU (sorry) to think your MiL isn't pulling her weight.

She is clearly one of the sandwich generation with responsibilities both up and down which she obviously takes seriously, and it sounds to me like she is being hugely helpful (quite possibly beyond her own wants) anyway.

Someone else has said that it doesn't sound like this arrangement is working for any of you and you should perhaps go back to the drawing board and consider other alternatives. You say you are massively grateful but honestly, it doesn't really sound like you are. But as I say, I can understand that. Good luck and health with the pregnancy

When MIL said "this is more than I would do" I think she was telling you that you don't need to go to so much trouble

^^^ Yes!!!! And yet you took it as a criticism, and I can NOT think why!

Many hands make light work. Surely that just what family do. All pitch in so everyone can sit down and relax together quicker.

"So, we do not 'pay' her. If we did they might as well go to nursery."

Resolved! See, that was easy, wasn't it?

Lightbulb moment! If she wasn't looking after your children there would be no mess or dishes to clear up.

You and your husband pay for someone to look after your children outside of the home and then there'll be no mess, no washing up and no inconvenient unpaid MiL needing feeding.

Until then, put up with it, get a cleaner or pay the poor bloody woman for doing your work.

May be way off the mark here but:

• you are pregnant
• already have 2+ dc
• working
• doing up a house
• only cook from scratch (and are precious about this)
• have a dh who is absent during the hours he could be any help

Most people cannot do all this. It will leave most people irritable/tired/irrational/prone to illness etc and having a crap life. It's not MIL's fault, especially if she is doing elder person care.

My advice: chuck money at your life to get help with one of the areas or remove one/some of these areas from your life. It's too much. In our house DH does a proportionate amount of chores/childcare and has taken a job close to home so he can get home at a decent time most days. I want my dc to see the adults sharing the paid work and home work and not see a mum exhausting herself trying to be superwoman for everyone else.

I'm a (paid) nanny. I pick up toys at the end of the day but I wouldn't be soaking your dishes, or unstacking your dishwasher

This thread encapsulates the reasons I'm glad all of DD's grandparents live in another country! The web of obligation and expectation is a minefield. Much easier to sort it out on your own, pay professionals etc, that way there is no confusion.

OP if it's making your life harder and you don't want to do all the extra work then arrange things differently, don't have your MIL look after them. If your DH wants his parents to be close to his children then let him do the leg work. I just don't think you can expect your MIL to do things she's obviously not interested in doing, that's not reasonable.

I think the overtone of martyrdom is probably a bit painful for your family to deal with (I'd leave you to it as well, fair enough of your MIL to do so), you need to recognise that other people don't do things the way you do them and actually that's fine.

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable either tbh (mainly because I'd find it harder to look after kids with the mess piling up in the kitchen - working around all that to get drinks, snacks etc? ) It must be soul destroying to come home to the mess.

However I do agree that everyone is tired here and you need to simplify. I don't see any reason why you can't do what you like on the evening they arrive, just make sure it's all cleared up before the next day (learn some one pot meals!) If this means you are doing it all then I think you have to suck it up.

On the childcare day, make it as easy as possible. What does your mil do for food prep at home? Do that. What are the simplest and most convenient foods the kids will eat? Leave those, or a packed lunch each.

If dinner absolutely must be homemade, do it ahead and freeze in foil trays which just need chucked (normally I'm good with recycling but something has to give here). Hell, you could even provide paper plates. Make sure the bin is empty and tell her just to throw them out. It has to be easy for everyone.

Good luck!

Ok, MIL is 57 and her mother is 78 (I think) her mother has sight difficulties. Start from that is fit as a fiddle could run rings around me!!! She comes for company as MIL lives with her and she would be lonely. She's ok on her own.

I never said I was angry at MIL, that's a bit extreme. And I'm surprised by posts saying I'm aggressive. I'm not a clean freak or particular about where anything goes my cupboards and drawers tell that story!! And I'm far from entitled, but clearly ive given the wrong impression. I said I felt a bit frustrated I was left to it all. And I've come on here to sense those feeling rather than moaning at home. Which I should have known better to do.

The boiler - this is the first week the heating hasn't been on and we forgot to switch the water on- i didn't realise having no hot water was sacrilege - what do you need it for if not to wash up? We have hot showers.

I appreciate comments that they are doing us a favour. They are yes, a massive one. And I am greatful and show nothing but gratitude. But hissy and others this IS also about her seeing them. And acknowledged as so by her. She didn't have much of a relationship with them prior and she saw this as a way to help us AND build a relationship and get to know them.

Ok, i appreciate a lot of the comments on here. Clearly not many agree although I think some are equally unfair in your comments. I've not suggested for a minute I'm asking her to clean the house. I'm just looking for there not to bits of tiny toys lying round that will get lost or broken and leave games unless and for a but of willing to clear up dinner. But I came in to gauge opinion. That's been done. If I'm a horrible bad person, well there you go.

I am of the 'it takes a village to raise a child' mindset rather than nuclear family only mindset though.

No, you and many of your friends are simply just in the very fortunate of having younger/fitter/living parents. As, actually is the OP, who also gets weekly childcare from her mother. Also I don;t hunk it takes a village to clean my kitchen.

That said I would be knackered and pissed off were I her, I empathise massively - there are not enough hours in the day for my life! Contract something out OP, as I said upthread. Get your DH to work out what more he can contribute in time as well as money. Get a cleaner in on the days after you work extra, eat tinned soup sometimes, stop with the preparing the next night's dinner routine, it is bringing you no pleasure. And give yourself a break.

MIL doesn't do food prep at home. That was he comment. Her husband does.

It's frustrating to come home to a mess but I'm still not sure why it's the responsibility of the two women who are doing the favour or the one woman who is doing all the cooking and preparing, to sort this out. We all work long hours - doesn't mean you don't have to be a parent/tidy up/make meals for DCs.

I do get what you are saying - that actually it's nice to keep things a bit tidy and it doesn't take hours. But the same applies to your DH. This is why MILs get a bad rap on here - they are expected to do more than their own sons are expected to do.

I gathered from the OP that there was a dish and a pot that hadn't been washed?

Not all of the dishes.

And if the MIL doesn't do food prep but her husband does maybe she is a bit wary of the potential "fall-out" if she turns the potatoes and veg on too early/late.

Did you let your MIL see your annoyance OP? I bet she has picked up on it and is wary of doing the wrong thing.

OP, I have read the thread more thoroughly and you have had a really hard time and some horrible comments which are not deserved. I love MN but it really has it in for people who use gp at all for childcare - which, as national stats clearly state, is just not real life for most people. (I'd love to move to this mythical place where affordable, flexible childcare is available to suit and we didn't have to reply on gp. I also love the suggestion that the money 'saved' on childcare by using gp is magically available for luxuries like a cleaner - rather than, oh I don't know, paying the mortgage or something. Are these the same people that tell women never to give up some independent income and to do whatever it takes to continue working? But I digress)

It sounds as if there was a really particularly bad day recently, with the no hot water and the leftover night before's dishes etc etc and that is what has led to you asking. Have there been days where it went more smoothly? What did you do differently then?

This isn't forever

OP relieve the grandmother of childcare responsibilities. It seems the best way of clearing all confusion over roles and responsibilities.