To think my MIL should help out?

[Up2nogood]

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

Fair enough Slowtrain. Without knowing all details it's hard to know whether nursery for that day is an option - the OP does say that it's an extra day once a month and seems to suggest that her working days are variable. In many places it would be impossible to secure a nursery place for two under those circumstances.

I agree with you about ready meals!

I'm not about to start ATAAT but I do think that on Mumsnet it should be possible for a mum to have a moan about things like this without hundreds of posters throwing accusations of entitlement and making downright nasty comments. Free childcare is wonderful (I benefit occasionally too!) - it does not make a person superhumanly able to ignore all related annoyances, petty or otherwise. It does seem on Mumsnet that if a grandparent is providing free childcare then they are therefore exempt from ever doing anything that can be criticised. I mean, really?

I'm touchy on this though because without grandparent support, we couldn't work. My children aren't particularly young any more and I have tried most (paid) options that are available and it just hasn't worked (one child has SN, needs family childcare in home environment). We have juggled and reduced hours as best we can but still have ended up needing one day's cover, sometimes more if I am to get anywhere in a career. Sorry OP, but I'm really hacked off at the way you have been spoken to and it's not the first time I've seen people shredded on MN for daring to admit they use gps for childcare and are not always 100% happy about it.

I think YABU. If it's upsetting you this much, either sack them off and put your children in childcare or pay for a cleaner if you are too tired to do it. Your MIL is (very generously) providing free childcare not free cleaning services.

There's a difference (in my mind at least) between having a moan, and expecting everyone to agree with your moan.

I think it was the "taking the mickey" phrase. "Mil is not very tidy" maybe. But "taking the mickey" as if she's an employee on the scrounge...

Op, you need to chill out a bit and accept that your MIL and her mum don't care if you cook from scratch and a bit of mess really doesn't matter as long as everyone is happy and healthy. My MIL is dead (she was a lovely person) I wish she was still here to enjoy time with her GC.

wow some gives you free childcare
you certainly expect a lot
yabu

If you want a maid pay for one!

I think YABVVU. She is travelling an hour each way to give you FREE childcare and you think she should be cleaning up and doing the dishes after you cooked a meal? The very least you can do by way of thanking her is giving her a meal at the end of the day! She shouldn't have to clean up after it!!

Blimey,you want free childcare and to do naff all but cook meals (in a slow cooker-hard work that!!) ?!?!

I don't think people are quite correct in saying this is free childcare. MIL and her mother are each getting at least five full home-cooked meals on clean plates, probably numerous cups of tea and the odd biscuit, plus the benefit of OP's heating, electricity etc plus presumably having clean sheets each time, the bedroom cleaned after they go, petrol etc. In a B&B all that would work out at around £40 each per night as an absolute minimum. In fact I'm wondering whether an extra day's nursery wouldn't actually work out cheaper.

Hi OP,

I've had a quick read through and I might be the only person apart from Icimoi who thinks you have a point.

It's not like you are expecting her to do your housework, just look after herself a bit, clean up their own dirty plates and be able to make themselves lunch!

Why are they coming to stay for 2 nights? That seems to be creating a hell of a lot of extra work for you, that probably cancels out the benefit of a day's free childcare. It's only an hour's drive. Why don't they come that morning and drive home that evening? I don't get the posters who are saying that's a long drive. I know these things are subjective, but it's really not. Lots of us commute drive that every day. Most of my friends are over an hours drive away from me. My parents are an hours drive away from me. For me, it's a normal journey, nothing particularly long or arduous. MIL isn't old or frail in any way by the sound of it, she's only in her 50s. God help me if I can't do a 2 hour round trip drive in a few years time. GMIL is just coming for company, not for any care needs.

I think having 2 people to stay for 2 nights a week, doing all their cooking and cleaning and laundry, is a lot of work.

I'd have to think about asking them to come just during the day, or paying for childcare instead. it's not worth the extra work and stress.

YABVVVU.

Your MIL already has the responsibility of looking after her elderly parent who has sight problems and you are expecting her to also drive to yours, stay overnight and entertain your young children and then clean up at the end of the day, otherwise she won't get to see her grandchildren very often because you can't be arsed to travel regularly to visit her...FFS!

And poor you working all day and slaving/cooking lovely meals from scratch and being expected to tidy up after your own children in the evening.
Poor DH works such long hours, bless him.
What a hard life for the poor OP, just like something out of Dickens.

When exactly will your MIL get to enjoy life on her terms in her own home and that doesn't involve caring for the very young or the very old members of the family?

Staying in a f'ing hotel? I bet MIL wishes.

I don't think YABU. I think I would seriously be considering a childminder instead. I would be explaining that I was just too tired with the pregnancy, if I was worried about hurting anyone's feelings.

57 is not old. I know I am very lucky but my mum at 65 isn't old. She looks after my 2 toddlers a day a week and also stays over. We prepare the meal for her to eat but she has offered to cook, asks not to be cooked for the night before (couches it that she wants to cook for herself more but I think it's actually kindness), washes up and the house is respectable when I get home from work. She keeps asking for more to do and does ironing if she can find it!

Oh and she works part time as well.

I repeat. 57 is not old. If I was in someone's house I'd be offering to help. If it's not possible to ask her to do more, I think you need an alternative arrangement.

I agree with pp that you need to teach dd to eat sandwiches etc.

lovereading - it might be "just an hour journey" but let's say the OP starts work at 8.00am?

That means MIL probably needing to be there for 7.45 say, so having to leave the house at 6.45. And that means getting up at maybe 6.00am to get herself washed, dressed, coffee etc.
Factor in 78 year old Great Gran (who OP says has "difficulties" although fit otherwise) and that's a pretty early start to the day for MIL plus a full on day looking after two children.

So to me it seems like perfect sense that they at least arrive the day before.

Even if OP starts at 9.00am it's still an earlyish start for the Great Gran at least.

Maybe the MIL doesn't like leaving Great Gran on her own during the day or at night due to these difficulties that the OP alludes to?

They come the night before.

YANBU. It sounds like a lot of work for you. I can understand it must be disheartening to come home from work and have to cooks and clean up after two extra adults for two days, and clean up all the kids mess as well. I think you phrased your op badly, which is partly why you're getting such a kicking, but I i totally understand your frustration!

And yes, the MIL is doing the op a big favour, but she doesn't have to do it. Presumably she wants to help, otherwise she wouldn't have agreed, so I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to pick up after herself and the kids.

Sounds like a nightmare. I would change the arrangement if I were you.

So she's only coming once a month? That's not really regular childcare is it, what do you do the rest of the month? It sounds like an enormous hassle for one day a month so the kids can keep up with their grandma. There's nothing you can say though really if you don't want to cause a problem so suck it up & get some polystyrene bowls for the soup

You know what, i think this is a case of people wanting cake and eating it.
in the nicest possible way, actually.

MIL - wants to see the kids - accepts that to do this she has to make more of an effort to do so... Why is this? why can you not arrange to visit her and her DM once or twice a month?

You want/need childcare, so it suits you to allow her to 'help' you but because it's not paid, you feel you have to be grateful, bow and scrape and lay on food for everyone that takes ALL of the effort away from them, the people that HAVE the time to actually do the prep etc.

IF you stopped this, paid for proper childcare and had your own home to yourself, getting DH to step up his game too tbh you would not be so run ragged and exhausted from trying to set everything up.

YOU - need childcare, but the care that is being provided is betwixt and between what you need. If it were me in your home looking after your children, I personally WOULD tidy up after myself, and the kids, but I would not unload your dishwasher. I'm not paid help. THIS is the crux I think.

This situation is ALMOST working, but not well enough. You don't have the relationship with her to sit down and discuss what you need her to do, and now the moment has passed as it was not dealt with properly.

I think you ought to end the childcare arrangement with her and arrange to see her SOCIALLY when it suits.

This will free you from the meal making and the clearing up after others until gone 10pm.

I have just clocked the 1 day a month... it's not worth it OP.

End the arrangement and make the social visits to her home and leave HER the mess to clear up when you go home

I have just clocked the 1 day a month... it's not worth it OP.

End the arrangement and make the social visits to her home and leave HER the mess to clear up when you go home

sorry but I don't think YABU, unlike most others in this thread. It's common courtesy to tidy up after yourself if you're in someone else's house, guest or no guest, childcare or no childcare.

Having said that (and I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has been discussed already), if it's really bothering you you should probably look into alternative forms of childcare. free childcare always sounds great but there are inevitably way more complications than when you're paying someone to do a job.

oh and christ almighty - since when was 57 old?!

YANBU to want a small amount of toys tidied away or the odd emptying/loading of the dishwasher, providing you're not expecting it. I think doing helpful things around the house when you're staying with someone is a nice thing to do and we always try do this when we stay somewhere.

If your MIL does offer, even if it's late in the evening, I'd ask her to do something small. Possibly ask her to put the kettle on, take some washing upstairs, strip her bed etc. She might see that you've got everything under control and that she'd be getting in the way.

I get not washing up if there's no hot water, I probably wouldn't boil the kettle for it, but would empty the dishwasher and put it all in there (even if all the clean stuff was just stacked up on the side because I didn't know where it went)

YABU. Tell her the arrangement is no longer working and put the toddlers in a nursery.

Or stop with all the 'home cooked' crap.

lovereadingthanks
Why don't you read a bit more closely? Many people, including me (I think me and seriouslyffs might possibly have been the first amongst the seething mass of yabvvvvu nutters) have said the op has a point!

My ILs would occassionally have the DC when they were small so DH and I could go out. We are talking once in a blue moon!

And yes, I would at first feel a bit shocked that when we came home the house was a tip - the kids toys everywhere and washing up left in the kitchen.

HOWEVER I never once felt hard done by or angry. I would have been tidying all day as we went along, but totally appreciated that they were a) older and b) very much absorbed in just enjoying watching the girls play. They had not had time to wash a few pots as they were so involved in playing and interacting, which was fantastic!

YABU and you know it. Oh and your DH needs to do more to help - why don't you BOTH do a big batch cook now and then, make a few meals up for the freezer so that you are not cooking every single day from scratch?

Why can you not get takeaway and use disposable plates on those two nights? Can't the children pick up their own toys?