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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL should help out?

241 replies

Up2nogood · 09/04/2015 21:38

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/04/2015 23:28

Why no hot water?

And As I said I'm massively grateful for the help. But this is also about her spending time with her grandchildren. My mum has them weekly

Please don't make it that you're doing her a favour by giving her the opportunity to see the children more often. Complaining that she only saw them every couple of months when you are at work during the week - everyone else complains they get no family time because of in-law demands!

She's saving you a fortune. Use it to employ a cleaner!

arethereanyleftatall · 09/04/2015 23:28

Could you not take your dc to her from the one day required?

(Sorry if I missed and that's already been suggested)

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2015 23:29

My parents will be looking after DS when I'm at work but I making sure its at their house so I don't have this kind of shit after a day's work & commute.

Glad I'm not your mother...

SASASI · 09/04/2015 23:34

Luckily my mother & father agree actually nanny!

slithytove · 09/04/2015 23:36

I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable.

I look after friends children on a semi regular basis and would never dream of leaving dirty plates etc hanging around. The most I would expect is the dishwasher/draining board to be left empty so I don't need to worry about putting stuff away.

I would also do a cursory tidy of the toys as well, (get the kids to rather), not least cos my brain couldn't cope with that mess for long.

Nor would I have an issue with turning on an oven/hob Hmm surprised anyone would really.

I wouldn't however expect to do stuff once you were home, just not leave you a mess to walk in to iyswim?

Momagain1 · 09/04/2015 23:38

So, sometime next year, gran and great-gran will be doing this for a pre-schooler, a toddler, AND an infant?

You really need to sort out simpler meal solutions, now. Or, nursery care for work days and hosting the grans once a month on the weekend, as proper guests.

serin · 09/04/2015 23:40

Aww, Bless 'em, they are probably utterly exhausted by the time you come in.

They are very very kind to come and help you as they do and you really have no idea just how lucky you are.

Chill out, let the housework be and buy ready meals.

Cherrychocolate · 09/04/2015 23:42

I can see where the op is coming from. Yes, Mil has kindly offered some free child care, but is it really too much to expect that she might help to take the pressure off a little while she is there?

Her DIL is pregnant, has 2 little ones to get to bed, and she's been working all day. Wouldn't it be a normal, decent thing to offer to clean up after dinner, or put the toys away? I think it's pretty bad that she would watch her run around, and not lend a hand.

msgrinch · 09/04/2015 23:43

Haven't rtft don't care about it. You had sex. you had a child. Oh sweetie you need to make sure it's cared for. Sad .Your mil is nothing but your husbands mother. She's not childcare.

Box5883284322679964228 · 09/04/2015 23:43

She travels 4 hours in total, child minds for 10 hours and could easily be in her 70's. I think that's enough really. Why don't you pay for a neighbourhood teenager to pop in on your workday for a couple of hours to tidy up. 6pm-8pm. Should only cost £10 and you can all relax once the kids are asleep.

msgrinch · 09/04/2015 23:45

Also. have you heard of condoms? They're pretty good and help you stop creating kids --you expect your parents and in laws to care for-.

Charlotte3333 · 09/04/2015 23:52

Wow, op seems to be getting a pretty tough time of it, especially the comment from msgrinch. Would you speak to your friends like that? Use a condom? I'm going to hazard a guess that the op isn't 14 and inept. She's asking if it's unreasonable to want to return home from a day at work to find the house in a reasonable state, not asking her MIL to pull a Kim and Aggie whilst she's gone.

PeppermintCrayon · 09/04/2015 23:54

Is this not a reverse?!

slithytove · 10/04/2015 00:07

Mil could also easily be in her fifties, mine is and I have a toddler and baby, and should have a preschooler.

I just know my mum would take the kids, be gutted she couldn't see them more than once a month, and probably knock up a lovely meal with a pristine kitchen after showing me up

So taking that as my barometer, I dont see why ANYONE can't wash their own lunch bowl and tea cup.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 10/04/2015 06:39

I'm on the fence. If I were doing it I'd leave things tidy, but I wouldn't expect my MIL too if also looking after elderly GMIL.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 10/04/2015 06:41

And I agree with PP who say this is not a 'favour' Hmm for your MIL.

Royalsighness · 10/04/2015 06:43

Sorry but YABU.

Vivacia · 10/04/2015 06:53

This is a brilliantly unreasonable AIBU.

I hope the OP doesn't flounce Blush

ConfusedInBath · 10/04/2015 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2015 07:18

Haha haha! OP what a joke you are! Selfish, ungrateful and massively entitled. You need a housekeeper.

Your MIL looks after your 2 kids for FREE plus her elderly mother, she leaves her home and stays overnight at yours which means her Mother is dragged away from home for the night too and you pay her petrol MOST times and then you have the gall to bitch about her and accuse HER of taking the mickey ?

I can't believe people like you exist. Take a good hard look at yourself, your attitude is disgraceful. Making her dinner is the fucking least you could do. Will you be expecting her to look after your new baby too?

SunshineAndShadows · 10/04/2015 07:19

It almost sounds as if the kids are being held to ransom - OP 'allows' MIL the favour of providing childcare once a month so she can spend time with GC otherwise it would just be Christmas and birthdays - why? Why couldn't you have a nice family Saturday visit to your MIL once a month? Rather than using her for childcare, and complaining about her lack of cleaning? If it's that much if a hassle, then arrange for your MIL to see the kids when she's not providing childcare - visit her or go for a day out.

At the moment it seems she only gets to see her GC on your terms, whilst doing you a favour that you then complain about. You chose to have kids. Suck it up.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/04/2015 07:24

YABU, you have chosen to make life difficult by having children and doing work on the house. She is easing that burden. Whilst it would be nice if she did more, she's not obliged to.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 07:33

People are being unnecessarily harsh here and also aren't reading properly. For instance, the MIL isn't travelling 4 hours in total if she lives an hour away and stays overnight - she's doing two hours' travel in 3 days, which isn't exactly excessive. In fact, I'm wondering why she doesn't go home at the end of the day. She's also expecting OP on top of being pregnant and working a full day to cook her and her mother three home made meals, plus presumably provide clean sheets for her and her mother in addition to all the cleaning and tidying. I must admit if I were OP I would actually prefer to pay for a childminder, it would be worth every penny.

shewept · 10/04/2015 07:42

Yabu, sorry.

She comes to look after your child, by that time on a night she is probably knackered too. As she is also probably helping her mum too. She must be at least 60. You can't say if she didn't do this she wouldn't see the child. If she didn't do this she would probably see the child at another time.

If she lives far enough away that she needs to stay for 2 nights and you pay petrol, surely it would be cheaper to use a nursery?

The problem you have is she is doing you a favour, childcare isn't particularly easy and she is elderly and has her mother with her would it be nice if she did more yes. Should you expect her to pull her weight? No.

You make it seem like you are doing ger a favour by letting her look after you kids.

Slowtrain2dawn · 10/04/2015 07:50

Sorry but a bit YABU. The whole days childcare is their contribution. This makes life easier for you or you would pay for nursery. You could spend the money you are saving on some really quality ready meals (from a deli or farm shop) if you won't use convienience foods. Or the homehelp as pp suggested. You are trying to do too much - give yourself a break!. The resentment of this shouldn't be aimed at your MIL. She may even feel uncomfortable in your kitchen when you are there if you are "leaking" these feelings.