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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL should help out?

241 replies

Up2nogood · 09/04/2015 21:38

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

OP posts:
MamainMilan · 09/04/2015 21:49

At around 10.00 p.m., having had your children all day, she is probably bloody exhausted herself!

You are very lucky to get that kind of help. I'm sure you let her know that you appreciate it, but yes OP, YABU.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 21:49

How old is your MIL and how old is her mum?

Maybe they are just getting on a bit and very tired after running around after a couple of kids for whole day.

Hmm
icelollycraving · 09/04/2015 21:51

Buy a takeaway or a bung in the oven. She has told you it's more than she does at home,listen to her.
Yabu.

comedancing · 09/04/2015 21:51

She doesn't sound like a person who is ever going to that..most moms like know go beyond the call of duty having everything stick and span when you get home. I mind my grandchild off and on and do a mad scurry with the toys..sweep tidy before her mom..not my dd.. Comes back. I know how you feel coming in to a mess but she is not that type obviously so if the kids are safe and happy that's good..also sounds like she has made a very definite decision that domestic details are not her thing. What does your do think?

pictish · 09/04/2015 21:52

I don't think she's 'taking the mickey' no.

comedancing · 09/04/2015 21:52

Your dh.her son

IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat · 09/04/2015 21:55

If it was me I'd help tidy up but I was brought up to do that. Unfortunately you'd be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you were to push the issue with your MIL. What is DH doing while you are bathing two toddlers? Could he not have the tidying up done while you do that? x

drudgetrudy · 09/04/2015 21:57

After a day with my own Mum and two toddlers and also the drive to your house I would be knackered tbh (mid 60s).

However I wouldn't mind at all having a pizza for my tea and making sandwiches at lunch time.
You are making extra work.
Also after reading other posts I am also wondering how much your DH does.

proceeding · 09/04/2015 21:57

In case there was any doubt by now YABU.

TheRealMaryMillington · 09/04/2015 21:59

Two old ladies trek an hour to look after your kids for you, and you want them to clean too? They will be pooped. I know I am after a day of looking after my own kids.

I think you go to too much effort with all the food stuff which is why you are feeling resentful. Tone it down a bit, it doesn't have to be an occasion both nights you eat together.

Also agree your DH should do his bit, if he's there.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 09/04/2015 22:00

Hahahahahaaaa
you sound like my friend and her sister. 4 preschoolers between them. They started out alternating houses each week and mum would come to them.
Then they told their mother they would both bring all the kids to her house each week.
because they didn't like finding mess from 4 kids when they got home and moaned that lunch stuff was still hanging about, dishwasher not emptied etc.
4 preschoolers to look after AND chores expected on top! Never was a granny so pleased to see her grandkids start school.

tiredwitless · 09/04/2015 22:01

Hi, I think I would also feel seriously pissed off, it's understandable - you have enough on your plate and assuming she is able bodied it is only reasonable to do a bit of clearing up after meals which she has also eaten, I'm also assuming. However if this is her attitude, and you don't like it, I think you might be best looking for alternative childcare. They are her grandchildren and she has offered to care for them, I don't think it's unreasonable to think that she should do a bit more than sit there. Is there more to it? Does her own mother require a lot of help. Is she exhausted from dealing with the toddlers ?

glasgowlass · 09/04/2015 22:01

YABVVVU & fucking ungrateful.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 09/04/2015 22:02

YABU

  1. She's a guest in your house, who is also helping you out whilst there. Do you normally expect guests to cook and clean for you?
  1. She is providing childcare for you, is likely exhausted from having done so and is only there because she is helping you out. Presumably unpaid?
Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 22:03

Was this maybe a stealth boast about cooking from scratch OP?

"homemade soups, fish pie...etc. etc."

cerealqueen · 09/04/2015 22:06

There is no such thing as free childcare - you have to pay in some way so suck it up and stop moaning.

OP you are one of the most ungrateful entitled posters I've ever come across on here.

Hoping this is a joke or a reverse.

Littlemonstersrule · 09/04/2015 22:07

Given most SAHMs on here say they are not at home to cook and clean, why on earth would you expect a guest too?

Pay for childcare if you begrudge washing up when you get home.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 22:08

tiredwitless - how do you know the OP "has enough on her plate"?

She's a working mum (whose MIL is providing childcare) just like millions of other working mums.

She's given herself extra work by providing "made from scratch" dinners etc. when she could just buy in a cooked chicken and shove some chips in the oven.

lemonyone · 09/04/2015 22:09

Do you have a DH? Why have you not mentioned him? Is he exempt from this?

I do think that you will look back on what you have asked and blush a bit as YADBU. Your MIL has looked after your DCs out of kindness. It doesn't matter how tired you are - I do feel the duty of care is towards her. Yes, emptying the dishwasher or whatever would certainly be something I would do, but I definitely wouldn't expect it.

I think you need to scale down expectations of her a little bit. I can see why it's irritating, but she has worked 'harder' than you all day by looking after DCs not in her own home.

And never refer to something as being 'hearty' again - it sounds like a cringey Harvester restaurant menu blurb Grin

MrsWembley · 09/04/2015 22:09

Ahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

Is this a reverse, btw?

DakotaFanny · 09/04/2015 22:10

First post I've EVER seen on MN where people are in favour of the MIL!!!! It's a miracle.

I can see where you are coming from OP, in that you're tired etc, but everyone else is right - if she wasn't there it would be harder and your DC would not have the same relationship with his / her DGM. It is only once a month and yes, takeaway seems a good way of making it more bearable for all of you.

and yes yes to 'what is your DH doing'?

Original poster
Up2nogood · 09/04/2015 22:10

Cripes they not wrong when then say AIBU can be harsh!

We pay her petrol most visits, although these are her visits to see her grandchildren and if she did not come she'd only see them on their birthdays and on her family's birthdays or when we visited as that was the cases previously. As I said I'm massively grateful for the help. But this is also about her spending time with her grandchildren. My mum has them weekly.

So, we do not 'pay' her. If we did they might as well go to nursery.

DH often had to work late. If not. He helps cleans up. I cook the next days meals. We are also in the middle of doing up the house (new house needs work) and I'm 14 weeks preggers.

I couldn't do pizzas or such like etc dd (18mth) old wouldn't eat it and her mum is a complete fussy eater. Also, MIL does expect lunch to be sorted and dd (18mth) doesn't do sandwiches. I need to make sure they eat or they'll be grumpy all day hungry.

I didn't think thinking it might be nice for someone to clear up after THEMSELVES every now and again (or at least shoe genuine willing as to be honest that would satisfy me) was unreasonable, but clearly I'm not generous enough.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 09/04/2015 22:11

Use the money you are saving on childcare to pay for a home help to clear up the dishes from a meal you have also eaten or the mess your children have made.

And be jolly grateful your MIL and her mother are so generous. It is highly likely they've clocked your attitude and are thinking the things other posters have written.

londonrach · 09/04/2015 22:11

You paying your mil? I think yabvu unless you paying her as its writting done as part of her paid duties...

redcaryellowcar · 09/04/2015 22:11

Yanbu, I'm very lucky to have an exceptional mum who does loads for me and the dcs, will load and unload our dishwasher, help tidy up toys etc, it's always lovely when she comes as everything is easier and with great company too, my step mother, who I see less often is also very helpful, changing flowers water, wiping down the work tops etc.
I suppose you can't ''expect' get to help, but it would be kind of her to do so.