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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my MIL should help out?

241 replies

Up2nogood · 09/04/2015 21:38

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

OP posts:

drudgetrudy · 09/04/2015 22:14

tiredwitless I don't know how old you are but if you are tiredwitless now you will be a damn sight more tired when you are late 60s/70s.
I am more tired now after looking after the grandkids for a day (happy-tired, I love it) than I was working full-time, waking at night and doing all the housework unassisted by (D)H when I was in my 30s

OP is being unreasonable to expect MIL to still be helping out in the evening.
MIL could wash up in the day, though
As I have said OP is making work with the fresh from scratch food.

TwinkieTwinkle · 09/04/2015 22:21

I seriously hope this is a joke. Please? You cannot be this entitled to be angry at someone who has to take two nights out to look after your child for one day? Really?!

Buy a dishwasher.

ProcessYellowC · 09/04/2015 22:23

YABU. Your MIL comes to look after the kids, not be the cleaner too.

And you sound pretty terrifying, I bet your MIL would cop it if she dared put stuff away in the wrong cupboard. Why do all the toys have to be tidied that night? And having to boil the kettle for washing up - isn't that the territory of complete boiler failure/used every teaspoon in the house? Are you leaving the poor woman to look after 2 toddlers and an older woman with no hot water/help or instructions on working the boiler?!

BackOnPlanetEarth · 09/04/2015 22:27

Sorry but YAB very U. Why don't you just make some easier meal for when they come. Bulk cook some lasagne/soups etc and then get the out the freezer. They are getting to see the kids but they are also doing you and your DH a huge favour.

Sierraspider · 09/04/2015 22:28

I think YABU as you don't pay your MIL for the childcare - but I kind of understand feeling annoyed coming home to a tip when you've done a 12 hour shift and just wanting to sit down after a hard days work, but instead having to wash up loads of stuff and clean the house. I've been there many times (having paid a friend to watch my dd while I work) and it is hard.... so having said that, have some but understand your MIL is probably exhausted from having the kids all day too. X

magimedi · 09/04/2015 22:29

YABU - she is not a hired help.

You asked if you should 'suck it up' - Yes you should.

EatDessertFirst · 09/04/2015 22:31

Its going to be another:

'AIBU?'

'Yes'

'You are all wrong and harsh!'

Flounce.

ProcessYellowC · 09/04/2015 22:35

EatDessertFirst

BinaryBunny · 09/04/2015 22:38

YABU, sorry.

Also, it's terrible shame this You thinm think that if you paid her then the kids "might as well go to nursery. " that wouldn't be the same as them spending time with the GM and GGM

MadameJulienBaptiste · 09/04/2015 22:40

Just a thought, does she bring her own mother because she can't leave her unattended for 2 nights? In which case she's doing childcare, elderly care and you want chores done on top?
And I missed the bit about the kettle. You leave two ladies and children all day with no hot water unless they boil a kettle?

tiredwitless · 09/04/2015 22:42

Isn't it the MIL's choice to help with childcare? I missed the bit about her being forced to do it or anything about the op feeling entitled to childcare from MIL. I really look forward to being a grandmother some day and I hope I won't make more work for my daughter in law if I am lucky enough to be able to spend the kind of time with grandchildren the op 's MIL does. Does no one see that she gets something out of the arrangement? Is money the only thing that matters?

I speak as someone whose MIL has never helped in any way with her grandchildren but expects to have them brought a very long distance to visit her regularly and while there to have everything done for her in her own house. Cancels home helps while we stay.
My own mother loves to see her grandchildren and would be the complete opposite of the op's as would have everything cleared up... she minds them occasionally usually if one of them sick and home from.school- maybe I don't appreciate her enough.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/04/2015 22:43

Yabu. Definitely. Your MIL does an awful lot for you. With the money you save from free childcare, why not get a cleaner?

MabelBee · 09/04/2015 22:43

I agree with you. If someone cooks you a meal you should always offer to help clear up.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 22:43

You haven't said how old your MIl and her mother are OP?

I'm guessing the Great Gran must be a fair age so probably requires looking out for as well to some extent?

Eustasiavye · 09/04/2015 22:43

I think you should tell your dh to do more regardless of how long he works. You are pregnant he isn't.

lemonyone · 09/04/2015 22:44

Yes, your mum looks after them once a week - but does she have to drive to get to you a (what sound like) a bit of a long way, with her mum in tow?

Two things i find tiring:
-being a guest in someone else's home

-looking after someone else's child, no matter how beloved they are. I have 2 DCs who are very active, but I feel shattered looking after my Dsis's 4 YO DD for a day!

Your MIL perhaps should wash up the odd cup, but really, you are not really doing her a favour by letting her look after her grandchild. I expect she is doing it out of love, but would probably prefer to have a nice saturday with both you, DC and DH as a nice day, rather than feeling like she is on eggshells about how many more chores should ought to do.

Can I put the words preggers and hearty in room 101 please?

Coyoacan · 09/04/2015 22:45

Another one thinking you are expectly a lot of your MIL. I am a healthy but bone-idle 62-year-old and I just wouldn't have the energy to look after my granddaughter all day. I know lots of other people of my age do, but we are all different.

Couldn't she see the children in a way that was more agreeable for everyone. And don't give up the cooking from scratch, please, your meals sound yummy and nutritious.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 22:46

Ah tiredwitless - clearly your mother is a saintly person and your MIL is dreadful.

We aren't talking about you or your situation - we are talking about the OP.

Goodmum1234 · 09/04/2015 22:48

It would piss me off too op. X

DrasticAction · 09/04/2015 22:49

poor op what a beating, I do know what you mean....and yes it would be nice for you if she at least did something....

I wonder what is she like in her own home though? a clean freak? does she tidy in other peoples houses....is this behaviour just in yours.....if so she feels uncomfortable touching stuff.

maybe she isn't into being super tidy, I am not and I know I irritate people who are...maybe she doesnt notice or is deliberalty doing the bare minimum...hard to say.

Mintyy · 09/04/2015 22:49

Probably cross posted with everyone, but why does mil's mother also have to come and what does your dh do towards cooking and clearing up every evening?

I actually think this arrangement is more trouble than it is worth and you might as well have professional childcare outside of the house. Presumably you also have two extra sets of bedding and towels to wash each month to facilitate this?

SilverBirch2015 · 09/04/2015 22:50

I can understand why you feel frustrated, but you do sound a bit intimidating to me. Maybe, she is ?oncerned you like things done in a specific way and does not want you to think she is interfering in the way you run the house.

Còuld you chat to her, about how the arrangements is working for her and reassure her that she can do things her way and you would like her to feel she can make herself at home. Maybe suggest on or 2 things once in a while that what be a really helpful if she has time, such as wash the soup saucepan because you need it for the evening meal. Make sure you do stressp, only if you have time.

TheFairyCaravan · 09/04/2015 22:51

YABU.

FFS you have a woman who is prepared to drive an hour each way and stay overnight in your house to look after your children for free and you are bleating that she doesn't wash and tidy up! .

Honestly,grow up. If you don't like it, pay someone to do it. FWIW my kids are 18&20, DS1 has moved out and neither my MIL or my mother has ever looked after them. You don't know how lucky you area,

DrasticAction · 09/04/2015 22:51

If someone cooks you a meal you should always offer to help clear up

agree too but some people are so damn territorial about their homes and where stuff goes, one hates to approach and ask sometimes.

I also think, when someone comes to me, I am waiting on them, giving them a night out, to relax, have meal etc I like to be waited on too when I go somewhere.

TenerifeSea · 09/04/2015 22:53

I love it when people say "oh she wants to see her grandchildren" as if the parent is doing the grandparent a fucking favour by graciously 'allowing' them to do childcare.

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