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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL should help out?

241 replies

Up2nogood · 09/04/2015 21:38

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

OP posts:
DrasticAction · 09/04/2015 22:53

agree with silver birch and in nicest way, - and I do mean this in a nice way Smile have a think about whether she may be timid in your home, or maybe she is a MNetter and has read about mils, interfering, moving stuff and touching stuff in dils home and is paranoid Grin...

RJnomore · 09/04/2015 22:54

Op - genuinely - is this actually help from your mil or is it just making more work for you?

Molichite · 09/04/2015 22:55

I'm sorry, but you need to suck it up. This is part of having family provide childcare. For someof us it's WAY more work than nursery. For goodness' sake go a bit easier on yourself though and do easier meals. Buy the soup, just do chicken portions and oven chips etc, or what you would normally cook on a work night.

I couldn't cope with the extra tidying and planning of having my parents come to our house. We ended up putting DC in nursery an extra day instead. I think my parents were a bit hurt but we just couldn't keep it up.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 09/04/2015 22:55

YANBU to expect her to clear up after herself as she goes, ie put her plate in the dishwasher.

YABU to expect her to do all the clearing up. She will be tired.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 09/04/2015 22:56

You're carrying on like superwoman. Stop it. Batch cook. Leave stuff to be warmed through. Buy them ready meals. There is no point in going all Martha Stewart and feeling grumpy when everyone else doesn't.

lostscot · 09/04/2015 22:56

I wish my mum or mil were able to be well enough to be left with our children but we're not so lucky!

mrsmeerkat · 09/04/2015 22:57

I cannot believe this at all..

Your own children are your own responsibility .. My sil is like this. Total pisstaker when it comes to childcare.

I have never used my inlaws for free help. If I did I wouldn't moan about them.. I'd be doing fucking cartwheels.

Janethegirl · 09/04/2015 23:00

I'd just tell my ddil to get real. I would not be prepared to be slagged off whilst babysitting.
If I'm expected to cook, I'd want the food in the fridge and clear guidelines of what I was expected to do.
However it's not going to happen, as I am not aiming to babysit and cook their dinner everGrin.
If I am babysitting I expect them to bring me a takeaway! GrinGrin

Fairenuff · 09/04/2015 23:00

YABU

(Surely you must get that by now Grin)

If it's a problem just tell her not to come and put the children into childcare for the day.

eskimobiscuits · 09/04/2015 23:02

I do think its taking the mick a bit if she doesn't even bother to pick up the childrens toys or wash dishes from their lunch- she agreed to care for the children, so surely picking things up and washing the odd dish while doing so is part of it- no?

I do think you are being a little bit unreasonable in expecting her to help you with other things though OP. Sure your tired after work- but maybe she is tired after looking after 2 toddlers and her (I assume) elderly mother. Ask your DH to pitch in.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 09/04/2015 23:03

YABU. You lost me on the first line!

I hope that your MIL isn't a MNer or you may just find yourselves suddenly without this lovely free flexible childcare.

MommyBird · 09/04/2015 23:03

In the nicest, possible way.

YABVU.

Im still hoping this is a joke.

AGirlCalledBoB · 09/04/2015 23:04

YABU she is older and looks after your kids all day. if she is tired after that and wants to sit down rather than clearing up then why shouldn't she?

Maliceaforethought · 09/04/2015 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 09/04/2015 23:06

So to get one day of "free" childcare per month, op has to host two extra adults and cook everything for them and clear up after them for two days and a night.

I don't think its worth the bother, to be quite honest.

lemonyone · 09/04/2015 23:07

Mintyy - I think you may have hit on it. I don't think this arrangement sounds worth the money for the hassle. OP - you'd be better off just having your MIL come and spend proper, stress free happy times with your DD rather than blurring the lines between a guest and the hired (but unpaid) help.

bananayellow · 09/04/2015 23:08

I think the op is having a bit of a hard time. She's only asking for a bit of courtesy in not making extra work for her to come home to. It's not as if she's thinking of leaving a list of chores to do.

ouryve · 09/04/2015 23:13

If you want things done a certain way, then you need to pay someone to do it that way, rather than expecting free childcare from someone who has to travel a fair distance and give up a couple of days of their time to do so.

Salmotrutta · 09/04/2015 23:15

We don't know actually whether the OP and her DH asked the MIL to do this, whether MIL offered, whether MIL is a carer for the Great Gran, and OP still hasn't inficated whether they are elderly/very elderly or not which does have a bearing here.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/04/2015 23:15

YABVVVVU. Pay for childcare like the rest of us have to or get your DH to pull his weight and contribute to the raising of HIS child and running of HIS house.

Radical notions I know.

Maybe she sees the meals and hosting as payment for the 2 day trip and childcare duties?

CinderellaRockefeller · 09/04/2015 23:20

I think you need to work out a couple of things. Why is she doing the childcare for you? Is it to save you money? Because you work awkward hours? Or is it because you want her to spend a day a month with her grandchildren?

Then why does she come? Is it also so she can spend a day a month with her grandchildren, or does she think she's doing you a favour?

I think there might be a mix up here, where you both think you're doing the other one a favour. And then you're upset because the other isn't being suitably grateful.

Sort out who is doing what and why, and things might start running more smoothly :)

workhouse · 09/04/2015 23:21

It sounds like you are making it very nice for them OP and not taking advantage at all. Home cooked meals or meals out, and one working day with her grandchildren. Kids aren't that hard to look after if all meals are provided.

I don't think that it would be too much to ask for them to do their own dishes, I would rather pay for childcare than have to go through all that every month.

Charlotte3333 · 09/04/2015 23:23

I don't think you're being unreasonable; if I stayed over at someone's house I'd help out with stuff regardless of why I was there. It's common courtesy to treat someone's home properly when you stay over.

However, she probably sees the chores as your job, and is knackered after babysitting; MIL here helps out with DS2 one day a week and does things completely differently to the way we do them, but we suck it up because she's doing us a huge favour. And because sometimes you just have to be gracious even if you don't feel it.

Hissy · 09/04/2015 23:25

Mum friends I have here pay their parents a small sum monthly precisely to cover petrol and odds and sods as they ARE spending time and money seeing your children SO YOU CAN WORK.

This is not them SEEING THEIR GC. If that were the case, the dates and times would be sown to them...

SASASI · 09/04/2015 23:27

YANBU

My parents will be looking after DS when I'm at work but I making sure its at their house so I don't have this kind of shit after a day's work & commute.

Rightly or wrongly your situation would stress me out & I don't think it would be worth it.

Your MIL sounds like mine ie if she has a coffee she leaves cup on floor in living room instead of taking it out to the kitchen. I make DH tidy up after her.

I will however make my parents dinner at the wkend etc when I have more spare time.