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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that working is impossible for another 12 months at least?

177 replies

Marmaladedandelions · 09/04/2015 18:15

I am pregnant and have a 1 year old. I have no husband or support. I won't earn enough to cover childcare costs.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I? This is one of the few times when I really wish I was!

OP posts:

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 10/04/2015 21:40

Thanks, I may do though am not a massive fan of ads. Hopefully will feel better soon x

OP posts:

sosix · 10/04/2015 23:12

All I'm saying is don't just hope to feel better as it may get a lot worse and probably won't get better on its own. Take care op.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 10/04/2015 23:18

thanks, sosix

Clearly, I can't go on like this so will have to do some creative thinking about how to feel better - I dont, in all honesty, KNOW how, just at the moment, but sadly I think my thread title was accurate and I don't think I can work at the moment and would be putting too much pressure on myself. Physically, I'm not up to it. I'm sick, ill, weak and drained. Mentally I'm not either. I am aware I have annoyed people on here - not the intention - but I have; I alternate between sadness and anger, resentment and weepiness, depression, grief, guilt, shame - it's all churned up inside me.

I don't want to bore on - thank you for your kindness.

-x-

OP posts:

ssd · 11/04/2015 08:56

I dont think the op is in any position to volunteer, I think volunteering is seen as a nice wee number for people who have a bit of spare time, whereas in fact it can be a lifeline for those receiving the service and its totally unfair to them if the volunteer goes into it half heartedly, wanting to pass a bit of time and get out the house.

My mum had a volunteer from a befriending service, once a month this woman was supposed to visit mum and take her out for 2 hours, every time mum got herself ready and waited in her wheelchair for the woman to come and every feckin time she didnt come and phoned a few days later....oh the kids were off school and I had no one to take them/ oh we're on holiday for 3 weeks/ oh something fecking else......the long and the short of it was this woman came from an estate near here, massive houses, probably didnt need to work but wanted to do something with her time and put herself up for befriending the elderly, but when it came down to it she really couldn't be arsed...she let mum down 6 months in a row before mum called the service and said please dont send her again, the trouble was they had a dearth of volunteers and couldn't be too picky....

so no op, dont volunteer, please.

now on the flip side, the volunteers who did give their time and energy to the complex my mum was in were wonderful, they were truly amazing, but they had committed to volunteering and did it very well.

Darthsloth · 11/04/2015 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 11/04/2015 08:59

op, as you seem to have money you should pay for counselling and try to get this sorted, posting on here with various names and looking for attention from the internet isnt the answer, it'll pass a few hours but it'll get you nowhere.

Darthsloth · 11/04/2015 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 11/04/2015 09:21

At the moment, I am not in a position to go for counselling.

Nor am I rich - yes in terms of property but not in terms of monthly income. I know of no one else my age with no family at all: I am afraid I can't think of myself as 'lucky' that I have this property.

Four charities benefited hugely from my inheritance by the way. I'm really not what some of you are determined to see me as.

I don't understand why. Some of you have sneered and said my threads always kick off. Not because of me, on this occasion. I have been polite.

I can only think the fact I have an inheritance has angered some who think I should therefore have no issues I want to talk through.

The thing is, if my mum and dad and brother were alive I wouldn't have the properties but I'd have support. That would be worth so much more. Can people honestly not see this?

We weren't poor obviously but we weren't rich either. My dad was a headteacher and my mum was an 'ordinary' teacher later in life, she was a secretary before. It's just mum was an only child so was sole inheritor of her mum and dads house which is a lovely house but it's just a 3 bed terrace.

What you don't see is, if you were my friends and you were struggling financially id be the first one wanting to help. Not that it matters but you don't see it and I wish you could.

OP posts:

sosix · 11/04/2015 09:33

I haven't got the answers op. just want to say it will be ok. Things will get better.

peacoat · 11/04/2015 09:40

OP, don't listen to the negatives. It sounds like that's the last thing you need at the moment. For what it's worth, this is my advice.

Take a year. In that year, spend some lovely time with your kids, have another, and plan for your future. Really work out what you want to do and what it will take to get there, and work backwards. Read some good books to help you sort out your grief and any feelings of guilt that you harbour. It is absolutely awful that you lost your family, and no property could be a substitute for them. Take the time to accept this so that you will be be able to move on when you're ready.

Darthsloth · 11/04/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Funnytobe · 11/04/2015 09:45

I do think some of the advice you have been given is completely unrealistic. Who is going to look after your newborn, 1 year old and out-of-school son while you clean the local church?

The issues for you are much bigger than you fancy getting a little job to get you out of the house.

Your thread title is right. You can't realistically work for the next 12 months without a lot more support than you seem to have.

PisforPeter · 11/04/2015 09:52

If you're not working & don't have a supporting partner perhaps it might have been prudent to wait a while???

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 11/04/2015 10:13

Wait a while for what?

Thank you, but I have had counselling and while I found it helpful to an extent there are also some things that just are. I absolutely agree that one has to make the best of what one has, but I am pointing out that I am regularly (regularly) reminded on here of my properties. These properties came at a huge, huge price and nor did I have any say in having them.

My son is in school but yes, I think I am best just 'being' for some time especially given the difficulties I am experiencing in my pregnancy.

OP posts:

Darthsloth · 11/04/2015 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 11/04/2015 11:37

No, they were great suggestions. I think the frustrating thing is that I can't put them into practice certainly until after the pregnancy and until the new baby is at least 3 months so I'm looking at doing what I'm doing for at least 7 months minimum but more likely around 12 months. By that time the babies will be 2 and 9 months so not as tiny. It is isolating but that can't be helped :)

OP posts:

peacoat · 11/04/2015 11:51

This is your situation at the moment and there are some things about it you can't change. Sadly, you can't bring your loved ones back. You can't work for another year. But you CAN seek help regarding your depression and you can do small things to get out/make friends/feel like you're contributing.

And you can make plans to set up your future how you'd like it to be - which can be proactive and empowering.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 11/04/2015 11:53

Thanks. Am definitely trying to do so :)

OP posts:

Darthsloth · 11/04/2015 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 11/04/2015 12:48

Thanks. I've been trying and I go to a couple of things, but it's quite difficult to break into established groups. I think I must be quite difficult to talk to!

OP posts:

tethersend · 11/04/2015 13:47

PisforPeter what a nasty, presumptuous post.

I have no idea of the OP's situation, and I'm assuming nor do you; people find themselves alone and pregnant or with small children for a whole host of reasons, none of which justify such disdain.

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 11/04/2015 13:52

Oh, did she mean I should have waited to have Dc3? I wasn't sure if it was that or wait to start work.

Dc3 was not in any way, shape or form on the life plan. Complete and utter shock which is one reason I'm finding it quite hard to get my head round being pregnant yet again. I feel like I've been pregnant for 2 years now :)

OP posts:

bronya · 11/04/2015 14:37

With three children it would be easier and cheaper not to work until they are all (or mostly) in school. In your situation I would move to a town. Somewhere full of toddler groups, activities and fun. Local parks to go to, soft play when it rains. Having young children and going to groups makes it easy to make friends. You can even help out at the toddler groups without needing childcare.

bronya · 11/04/2015 14:39

The best friends I have made were through our local church though. And creche/children's church is bliss. Forty minutes on your own to be just you!

Original poster

Marmaladedandelions · 11/04/2015 14:49

Don't really fancy church. I'm not that far from a town really - 10 mins drive. It was just hard when I had no car.

My friend is visiting next week.

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