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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
BeyondTheSea · 10/04/2015 21:39

It really saddens me that theres seems to be such a tolerance to racism on MN. Have seen quite a few threads where posters often dismiss quite hurtful comments.
It makes me feel so fearful for what my children may experience :(

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 21:41

There isn't a tolerance of it here.

Just some posters trying to cause a big Drama.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 21:41

Itsallkicking, I think the debate evolved into an interesting one. No one should seek to impose their preference on how a discussion evolves or what thoughts people wish to share.

You exchange with Awale and the OP name change should not be used to denigrate the entire discussion that unfolded.

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 21:44

"It really saddens me that theres seems to be such a tolerance to racism on MN. "

Right. You just show me where I, for one, have shown fucking tolerance of racism on this thread. How dare you say that!

BeyondTheSea · 10/04/2015 21:45

And that isn't dismissive?

I wouldn't want my DC to experience name calling that persisted for months.
It is damaging.

Feenie · 10/04/2015 21:45

No one should seek to impose their preference on how a discussion evolves or what thoughts people wish to share.

You exchange with Awale and the OP name change should not be used to denigrate the entire discussion that unfolded.

Irony overload.....

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 21:48

I'm dismissive of the way posters are acting on this thread. Not of the actual issue that racism is abhorrent. Some people can't seem to separate those two things.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 21:49

It's quite ironic that i am now also getting accused of racism and thinking racial abuse is OK. Quite pathetic.

Feenie · 10/04/2015 21:49

I would like to know - specifically, and with quotes and and times of posts - where ANYONE has shown tolerance of racism.

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 21:57

"Oh of course, anytime racism is discussed, there will be the guilt trip of 'I am being made to feel like a racist'. The purpose of this is to shut the discussion down and make victims of racism feel like they are the ones at fault"

Are you reading a completely different thread?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 22:08

I mean accusing Hakluyt of racism? And Pru? If they are racist I will eat my own head.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 22:10

So a grand a month

Said money will be taken from children with SEN.You can't have TAs for every disruptive child with anti social behaviour.

There's a strong case for saying that this child could have a learning difficulty. She seems to have major problems with social communication and empathy, and is apparently unable to learn basic social rules. And ultimately that will affect her education because, if it isn't remedied, she will be increasingly excluded. So I suspect that that grand a month could be a good investment, particularly if it turns the problem around. It has to be better than chucking the child out.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 22:14

Hakluyt, no I am not but perhaps you are not paying close attention. In any case, my comment was motivated by Fanjos posts.

areyoubeingserviced · 10/04/2015 22:15

That is exactly what I was trying to suggest Ici- but certain posters chose to ignore my suggestion .

LePetitMarseillais · 10/04/2015 22:21
Grin

If you only knew the hoops parents have to jump through to get a few hours for quite severe SEN issues.

Yes in an ideal world every disruptive child would have a full time TA but we don't live in an ideal world or indeed one with oodles of spare cash to spend on education so schools do the best they can.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 22:22

Fanjo is perfectly correct. People are bringing out racism accusations based solely on the fact that others are saying that this child shouldn't be excluded. They seem incapable of seeing that all that will result from that is that other children in another school will simply become the victims of her racism; whereas if the problem is addressed in this school, that is a much more satisfactory solution all round. And yes, clearly what the school has done to date is inadequate. That is why they need to be looking at something like the dedicated TA idea that has been suggested: there seem to be perfectly good grounds for funding this via an Education Health and Care Plan.

In other countries it is not open to schools to exclude pupils. We really need to do some research into how that works.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 22:24

I know very well the hoops parents have to go through to get SEN help. Does that mean that a school or local authority shouldn't try? Because if they don't, all that will happen with this child is that she will move from school to school to PRU to school, till she ends up in a very expensive special school anyway. Or youth custody, at £70,000 per year.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 22:26

Feenie, irony overload? Really?

Your question asking where has anyone shown tolerance for racism is a classic red herring and is rather superficial.

Many people including Hakyult reiterated that they were not condoning the little girl's behaviour. The issue is how much weight is being given to the plight of the victims versus that of the perpetrator.

Fanjo, who accused Hakyult of racism? I missed that post.

LondonRocks · 10/04/2015 22:27

... And in the meantime no one can answer what happens to the needs of those subject to racial abuse at six.

Jeez.

LePetitMarseillais · 10/04/2015 22:29

Err a tad presumptious to infer they're not trying and that a TA will wave a magic wand and transform said child.

Other measures may well be far more successful and already working.Kids don't normally get their challenging behaviour zapped in a small space of time.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 22:30

LondonRocks, I think people have answered that. You deal with that by demonstrating that racial abuse is not condoned in any way. And if that means taking steps that stop a disturbed little girl using racial abuse without victimising her for the appalling upbringing she seems to have had, so much the better.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 22:31

My bad. Just saw Beyondthesea's post re. tolerance of racism.

That may well be true and I dobhave that feeling too but I wouldn't specifically pinpoint Hakyult as guilty of that.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 22:32

The suggestion is, LaPetit, that the TA is working with the child all the time to prevent this and educate her properly, and takes her out any time she so much as starts to say the N word.

But if you don't think that will work, what is your suggestion? Because just moving the child to another school certainly isn't going to stop other children being abused by her.

Mrsstarlord · 10/04/2015 22:33

Read back through the thread LondonRocks to find out what the school have been doing, they seem to have been getting group, one to one and family support. I also assume (given the content of the posts) that the families of those kids are supporting them too.

No kid should have to go through this at all and by saying 'lets not ostracise a 6 year old child' no one is saying that they should. Racism is abhorrent. End of, goes without saying.

FizzyNuts · 10/04/2015 22:33

What a bizarre thread.

I'm a bit late to the party but in the op's position I would absolutely tell my six year old to steer clear of a child spouting off that kind of crap. Ultimately my responsibility is to my own child.

I'm finding it hard to believe that other posters would not tell their children the same if they were being subjected to this awful language?

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