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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ban DD from speaking to "racist child" who uses the N word.

731 replies

MaryNotPoppins · 09/04/2015 11:24

DD (6) came home a few months back saying another child in the class keeps on getting into trouble (thank god) because they keep on saying the N word. They also say The P word for Asians (forgive me for abbreviating them but they make me sick to even type).

I thought perhaps it was a one off after she first made me aware but other moms have also shared stories lately of how horrified they have been after having this child over for playdates regarding their racist language. There wont be any ethnic children present for example and this child will still say "you are an N word" if they are playing if she doesn't get what she want's etc.

I have considered that perhaps it's just ignorance since she has called other white children this name however it has been widely confirmed by teachers and parents (not in a petty hearsay way) that 99% of the time this language is directed towards the ethnic children.

I try to judge for myself but I've never had her over and have never ever seen her parents, she gets dropped off by a child minder who drops off about 7 kids in her class as they all live locally.

Now -

The parents of these poor children at the end of racist abuse have told me some of the things this child has said and it's horrid. Disgusting. She tells black kids to swim back to Africa and eat only bananas for lunch and wont stop telling this poor Indian girl she stinks.

The fact that it's been going on for so long after multiple warnings from the school means it's obviously something embedded in this child from home.

I hate the notion of judging kids absolutely hate it....but this one sounds like a bad egg! I know no child is born racist or perhaps genuinely racist and that it comes from home but where so we draw the line?

My DD speaks to everyone and even if someone has previously been in trouble always gives everyone a chance....but I wan't her to keep her distance from this kid. Its a class of 20 and everyone is friends there arent friendship groups....I don't want her around this vile language or behavior.

I'm not an unrealistic smothering mother I know they have to grow up but 6 is too young to be listening to this rubbish. I hate the cringey idea of telling my DD to stay away from another persons DC it seems so high handed but I don't want her around it. I've told her to always stand up for someone who is being picked on (they are 6 so obviously "That's not nice" will suffice ) and always to tell the teacher....

AIBU to say stay away from this kid but if they ever want to be nice again then fair enough? I don't like the idea of this type of conversation with DD it's very heavy but what else can i do?

OP posts:
ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 20:48

Call you nothing, Awadebumbo. Call cowardly PMs calling me names, yep, I'll do that. Say it on the thread or don't bother saying it at all.

You've called me and other posters racist and apologists for institutional racism in schools without knowing a single thing about us or even bothering to read our posts and accepting we know the processes involved in behavioural issues and exclusion. You're so far from the moral high ground it's not even visible from where you're standing.

MesM · 10/04/2015 20:48

Seem to have cross posted with lots of folk - oops. Point still stands.

areyoubeingserviced · 10/04/2015 20:49

Thankyou Mes

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 20:50

Not sure why I am wasting energy commenting on this thread but it's so weird people keep appearing and claiming that by considering ways of stopping the childs behaviour that aren't just excluding the child you are condoning the abuse. it's not one or other. Such a weird argument and strange that so many posters are making it.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 20:53

Awadebumbo it's not really on to go throwing your weight around MN and abusing people and sending abusive PMs. Maybe you need to read the talk guidelines.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 20:57

No I'm not being racist.

Feenie · 10/04/2015 21:01

This thread is insane Confused

Has the OP slunk off gone, or re-sockpuppeted?

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 21:02

"Hakluyt, are you suggesting that these victims be set aside for a moment while the perpetrator is dealt with? Have you no idea how of the devastating impact that this child's abusive behaviour may have had on this kids? Why should they continue to be subjected to this while this child receives help (which so far has resulted in no change in her behaviour). No, the victims plight are not secondary and should not wait to be eased once the abuser has been "changed". Victims of racial abuser cannot be asked to wait until their abuser is reprogrammed."

No, I am not. And yes I have. But absolutely nothing I can say will make you believe that. And I note that you are not offering any solutions yourself.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 21:02

Could the parents of the children being subjected to the abuse get together and simultaneously remove their children - not permenently, just to make a point that the bahvious is not acceptable and the children will not be subjected to it?

LondonRocks · 10/04/2015 21:02

*Especially when they are aged six

Have you any idea how ridiculous that sounds?*

ItsAll –it's disingenuous of you to even ask the question. You are expecting processes to trump the needs of small kids who are trying to get an education with a challenging and challenged peer in their class. How do you know the affected children are not deeply scared, worried, bemused, etc because of the child at their midst who is carrying on, over many months, with this behaviour?

I really, really hope there isn't anyone naive enough on here to expect the parents to be the ones to step up and tell DC called P or N** that, hey, some people are just like that, and hey, you just have to let it go. The time for letting crap like that go is now. In 2015. Children shouldn't have to put up with it and the fact that they are six is very relevant. Where do you think life lessons begin? At 26??

KatieKaye · 10/04/2015 21:05

Six months of daily racial abuse that is challenged each time the child says this in a classroom And yet still continues.
Who would put up with that in a work environment? Or expect their children to put up with it at secondary school? For the person at the receiving end of abuse, it is still the same, whether it comes from the mouth of a 6 year old or a 16 year old or a 60 year old, it is still abuse and it is still shocking and it still wounds.
People have posted that the shchool will be following procedures. Well, procedures are no guarantee of success. In ten years time what is procedure today will probably be seen as outmoded and less thAn effective.
In this particular case the school have failed in their duty to provide a safe learning environment for certain pupils although they have most likely followed the correct procedures. Which seems to show that in this particular case the procedures are ineffective.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 21:08

Fanjo stop being silly and overly dramatic. Awade is not 'throwing her weight around MN and abusing people and sending abusive PMs". Itsallkickingoff that has claimed this happened to her and not a whole load of people.

Moreover, the thrust of the arguments has never been that anything other than exclusion is condoning the little girl's behaviour. And why do you need to day you are not being racist? Strange! Indeed, it is your posts that are 'weird'.

Feenie · 10/04/2015 21:12

Her posts made perfect sense to me.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 21:14

Yes it's me who is being dramatic and silly of course Hmm

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 21:15

Because people seem to be getting accused of racism for all sorts of spurious reasons on this stupid thread.

Hakluyt · 10/04/2015 21:16

. "And why do you need to day you are not being racist?"

I can see why anyone on this thread might feel the need to say they are not racist. The accusations are coming thick and fast.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 21:16

Hakluyt, my solution is escalate. However, I do not think I need to offer a solution to contribute my thoughts on the issue. You do know that I can challenge the sensibility of you proposed solution without feeling that I must offer a counter solution. The validity of your solution does not rest on whether or not the have another proposal.

Auntiedee, your suggestion has merits but I think it would highlight a huge failure if victims are required to disrupt their lives to force the school to deal with this more effectively. Surely in this day and age school children should not have to engage in organised protest for them to be treated with respect and for the right to not be subjected to racial abuse.

laughingcow13 · 10/04/2015 21:19

who says there is daily racial abuse? I am very concerned at the parental witch hunt against one small girl
at our school we had a little boy who got a reputation for physical violence and soon the school gates harpies were blaming him for every bruise even on days when the child had been absent.

AuntieDee · 10/04/2015 21:22

Newrule - it shouldn't have to come to that but if the school are refusing to deal with it in an acceptable timeframe then what choice is there? 6 year olds should not be taught that they have to accept racial abuse :(

If it was me I would pull my child and also get the press and my local MP involved.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 21:24

Feenie her posts made perfect sense to you and perfect nonsense to me. Based on what Fanjo posted, I am also lost as to why she felt the need to proclaim her non-racist status.

Oh of course, anytime racism is discussed, there will be the guilt trip of 'I am being made to feel like a racist'. The purpose of this is to shut the discussion down and make victims of racism feel like they are the ones at fault. They are hurting other people's fragile feelings with that massive chip they have on their shoulders.

areyoubeingserviced · 10/04/2015 21:26

Couldn't agree with you more New

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 21:28

That's right, that's what I was doing, or alternatively I was highlighting the fact that people seem to be calling others racist left right and centre in this thread.

Newrule · 10/04/2015 21:33

People were calling others racist right, left and centre? Oh the drama! Seriously Fanjo, where is your honesty and integrity?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 10/04/2015 21:35

LOL

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 10/04/2015 21:36

An increasing number of posters are not reading anyone else's posts and shoehorning emotive scenarios about racism into what was quite an interesting debate.
Then when they have nowhere left to go with their dead end arguments they resort to PMing insults and ramping up the Dramaz.

The question of how you support vulnerable children in school while balancing the needs of all children isn't well served by histrionics such as we've seen here.

Throw into the mix an OP who sockpuppets herself halfway through and pah, what's the bloody point, really? Hmm

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