AIBU to think that if an adult breaks something they replace it?

[worridmum]

Sorry its long one with a tiny bit of a rant

AIBU to think that my "D"sis should replace my DH computer that she broke when warned not to do something. My sister thinks I am and says she will replace with vastly cheaper item that is not a a suitable replacement or we should suck up the £500 excuss on our home insurence and she thinks I am being tight in insisting she replaces like for like. since if we claim it will push our premiums up so in effect paying double for her grave laspe in judgement.

basically the story is we have just finished renivating our new house so decided to host a family get together to celibrate the hard work we had put in and to finally have resolution for a problem from work (in my prevous thread)

And so we hold the get together have some well desvered wine (children at camp et) and basically hold a mini tour of our house with the expection of my DH study as this is his primairly work space so has important documents and his custom built computer (needed partly for his job as a software engineer and partly his hobbies which had cost just under £3000) and everyone was told this room was offlimits. (its up a flight of stairs that leads onto its own floor and so doesnt have a door)

So my sister takes expection to not being shown this room goes up by herself with a large glass of wine about an hour after we had shown everyone around and somehow procceds to fall and not only manages to smash one of the monitors by landing on it she also manages to spill her wine down the back of the mainframe of the computer (which was turned on due to complining some software) which causes the computer to short circuit and basically ruined the entire computer (which was only bought a month ago)

Before I start the ranting section Dsis was completely fine

And so my DH and a couple of other people run upstairs to see what happened where then my sister says shes "darn goofed" and shes had a little accident and tries to down play everything as after we made sure she was fine DH was frantically trying to damage control the sistatuion etc

Which too my Dsis is very very funny and proceeds to laugh and joke about the entrie sistuation which just wond up DH even more and said quite loudly DH should take a chill pill as its only a computer. Which understandable was not taken well by DH whole sadly got really angry and shouted at my sister and ranted about how is it funny that a months long project has possibly gone up in smoke (computer was actully smoking at this point as he could not turn off internal power source in time) and that is has cost us alot of money and read her the riot act and asked her to leave the house.

(I am not excusing my DH but he was not abusive to her per say as in was not swearing / abusing her was just shouting, this is totally out of charater for him hes normally so calm and passive but he most likely shouldnt of reacted like that)

We leave it a couple of days to see just how much was damaged etc (thankfully back ups werent effected so only lost the compling time so project wasnt effect) but the computer, monitor and mainframe were total right offs.

And my sister contacts me to see how everything is and to apoligize to me about what happend and asked is there anything she can do to sort out the mess she made, which i replied she could replace what she damaged and apoligize to my DH. So she said fine I will replace the computer but I will not apoligize to DH as he was totally out of order etc and I comment that she still should apoligize as she was out of order etc and she hangs up.

So my DH sends a invoce for the computer parts (he can get the computer parts direct from manifactur etc so cheapest possible price ) which was £2600 which understandalbe is a quite a large number replys that she will buy a computer from PC world as she has seen one for £300 and that we should be greatful to even get that and I reply thats not a suitable replacement etc

(she has the money to replace it as she is in a well paid job and last week told me /boosted she had saved up £24,000 for her next years around the world holiday).

Sorry its really long but I thought I needed to include everything so not to accidently dripfeed later on

So AIBU for insisting she replaces the item she destoryed or I am being tight in expecting us not to be even further out of pocket for her totally avoidable mistake.

Ps sorry for spelling and grammer posting on a tablet (because the computer is out of action at the moment) without spell checker and I am dyslexic.

Oh you poor thing

Pressing charges is the right thing to do. I also think your sister has an alcohol problem.

for your DMum too. Even though she is doing the wrong thing by pressuring you to smooth things over and forgive, it must be heartbreaking for her to have a daughter like that.

Your dh is absolutely right to press charges. She shouldn't be anywhere in a position of trust.

She has ruined her own life!

Threw a bottle at someone?

I must have led a sheltered life as I thought that sort of thing only happened on the telly!

Of course your husband should press charges.

I feel terribly sorry for your mum, but how much more would she do if she never has to face any consequences??

Wow! This crazy bitch needs prosecuting to the fullest extent of the law. Hopefully she's being charged with something more serious than common assault? ABH perhaps? She clearly needs to learn that you reap what you sow!

She is only facing the consequences of her actions.
Whatever happens is her own fault. Perhaps someone like her isn't the right temperament to work with children anyway.

Habitually protecting someone from the consequences of their choices and actions is how they become someone like your sister.

She needs a dose of reality.

Woah, she does sound like she has some issues (possibly with alchol?) however that is no excuse, she is ruining her own life and and any consequences are the direct result of her behaviour and choices you are absolutely right to press charges.

Do press charges. She chose to mess up her future plans when she decided to throw the glass bottle at your husband. You and your husband are the victims. I don't understand why your mum wants you to say sorry.

You need to point out to your mum that it seems your Dsis has an alcohol problem and that she'll never recognise it if people keep excusing her behaviour and relieving her of the consequences.

I wouldn't want her near my children!

Definitely your DH should press charges . Your sister is out of control. She is the person ruining her own life.
I'm sure your DM does feel terrible but she cannot condone your sisters violent and abusive behavior nor expect anyone else to put up with it.

What is it your mother is asking you to apologise to your sister for? Being alive? Your mother can't feed your sisters bitterness.

Absolutely press charges and make sure you protect your family from her.

Oh my what an update OP!

Of course DH should press charges, your DM is deluded and naive if she thinks this can/ought to be brushed under the carpet. Yours sis is entirely to blame, no one else is responsible for her behaviour but her. The other siblings ought to sit down and discuss this with DM to make her see sense.

She is not fit to work with DC at all!

In situations like this, the person pressing charges is not ruining anybody's life.

She's the one who attacked him, she's a grown adult who should be able to control her actions.

If her life is ruined, she's the one who ruined it. She committed an assault, it's not up to her victim to protect her now.

She assaulted your dh. Any consequences are her own fault. She pretty much got away with ruining a very expensive compter and could have left your dh with serious injuries.
Its his choice what happens next - please support him! If she'd thrown the bottle at you I'd be saying the same thing. If a non relative had assaulted him you'd not think twice about pressing charges.
Sorry you've had to deal with so much crap, none of it is your fault. If your mum can't see the truth by now then I honestly don't think there's anything else you can say.

She is facing the natural consequences of her behaviour, so if anyone ruined her life, it's her. It's really not acceptable at all, and whether it was family or not, I would press charges if someone assaulted me without any guilt.

Yes, losing career prospects are hard, but if that matters to you, then you don't assault people. My own brother has been in prison for assault, and it has very far reaching consequences, he has not been able to find stable employment for a few years because of his record, so has struggled financially and lost a few jobs after CRB. But it's almost over, and in some way, I hope it's shown him that violence is not the answer. Nine months in (army) prison, and five years of not being deemed suitable for work due to his record has probably been a tough learning curve, but I hope it's been something he's learned from.

Your DH is absolutely right to press charges and especially as much of this has happened in front of children who need to be reassured that if someone acts like this there are consequences. Your sister ruined her own life through her own actions.

Yes - your DH should press charges and you should support him 100% in doing so.

Your other siblings responses are for them to decide, but quite frankly in their place I'd cut her from the fold also.

Re: your mother, I'd sit with her face to face and have a chat.

Her first reaction re: the computer was to bail her out and pay. Her reaction to the wedding is equally to enable your sister to evade the consequences of her actions.

Is this part of a longer term pattern with your sister in particular?

Ask her, if your DH had thrown a bottle at your sisters head would she ask her daughter not to press charges? Would she be objecting if in that scenario your twin banned your DH from future family events?

Of course not.

Your sister clearly has some serious issues, certainly emotionally relating to her fertility and possibly with alcohol.

What she needs at this point is some tough love, not being enabled and pandered to.

Your mum should be pointing her to her GP and getting some therapy - and making clear that your sister needs to accept she is at fault. She can still support your sister without excusing her behaviour or condoning it by asking everyone to let her off the hook.

Of course your husband should press charges. She assaulted someone and should face the consequences.

"And my mother is now saying shes being torn in two as she cannot take sides and suggesting i apoligize (and get my husband to drop charges) so we can make up and get along again"
Say you actually did that. You apologised, your husband dropped the charges. To make up and get along again, your sister would have to be willing, and she so obviously isn't, so your mother is absolutely deluding herself there. And that got me thinking.

Earlier in the thread you posted of your sister "she does have history of poor judgement having massive conquences which she doesnt face as she normally runs away from them."
Does your mother always collude in your sister avoiding the consequences of her own actions? Because that is exactly what she is doing here, trying to guilt you into smoothing things over so that your sister can avoid consequences.

I wonder if your mother feels guilty for creating the environment (no consequences) that has turned your sister into this monster.

OP you poor thing.
What a horrible person your sister is.
Don't claim on the insurance as your premiums will go up.
Insist she pays up.
Show her toxic emails to your parents.
You have the proof now.
They should not be covering for her, financially or otherwise.

Holly - the thread has moved on quite a bit since the opening post.

Having thought about this for a while, what I find quite scary is that your sister was envious of you and your DH because you have so much that she feels is her right (a stable relationship and children). Envy would be understandable, it's a sad thing to lose any hope of being a parent and have a relationship break up, and I guess that she didn't have any counselling following that. Of course she expressed her envy in totally inappropriate ways because she is quite immature.

But now she has somehow moved on to thinking that you and your DH are responsible for all that has gone wrong with her life and therefore deserving of abuse and violence from her. I think that this belief coupled with her lack of impulse control makes her very unsafe to you, your DH, your DC and all your possessions and, honestly, if it were a relative of mine I would be very watchful in case she actually gets worse once she has been charge with an offence. You already know that she will be blaming your DH if she gets a criminal record.

sadly the wedding incendint wasnt due to drink has she had not touched any other that 1 complentory glass of champaine. unless she had drank loads before hand but didnt seem drunk.

And your possible right Whereyouleftit my mother has been covering her for her entire life and i dont know why I think possible she was ether favariote or she felt bad because she could no focus the same amount of time as she could with our older brother (5 year gap between him and my sister then 1 year between me and my twin and my sister).

I fully intend to stand by my husband as no one should be assulted no matter the gender and like i said my husband was lucky if the glass bottle hand smashed slightly differently my husband would of lost an eye and I cannot bear the thought of my once close sister actully doing that to my partner for no other reason and our brothers calling here out for her shitty behaviour

I just feel really sad that I once looked up to my sister and now I cannot feel any smypthy for her that she has created her own bed and now must lie in it.

I might sound harsh but my sympothy for my sister has run out despite all the horrid stuff shes gone through I just cannot see any releanthioship with her any more after all she has put me and my family through

Damn it I sound like a cold hearted person writing that now

bitterchocolate I searously never considered that I once thought that my sister would never hurt me or my family.

Could my family really be in risk of esculation? I just dont know my sister anymore I once thought that she wouldnt hurt anyone and she moved on to actully throwing a glass bottle as someone face.

I just think that if she turns up on your doorstep or contacts you wanting to talk things over, that it would be best to not allow her into your house or be in close proximity to her (for instance at your Mum's house). She might genuinely want to 'talk things over' (meaning bully you into doing what she wants), but if you don't agree with what she wants she could very well be violent again.

You thought she would never be violent, and she was. It would be wise to be wary of her.