AIBU to think that if an adult breaks something they replace it?

[worridmum]

Sorry its long one with a tiny bit of a rant

AIBU to think that my "D"sis should replace my DH computer that she broke when warned not to do something. My sister thinks I am and says she will replace with vastly cheaper item that is not a a suitable replacement or we should suck up the £500 excuss on our home insurence and she thinks I am being tight in insisting she replaces like for like. since if we claim it will push our premiums up so in effect paying double for her grave laspe in judgement.

basically the story is we have just finished renivating our new house so decided to host a family get together to celibrate the hard work we had put in and to finally have resolution for a problem from work (in my prevous thread)

And so we hold the get together have some well desvered wine (children at camp et) and basically hold a mini tour of our house with the expection of my DH study as this is his primairly work space so has important documents and his custom built computer (needed partly for his job as a software engineer and partly his hobbies which had cost just under £3000) and everyone was told this room was offlimits. (its up a flight of stairs that leads onto its own floor and so doesnt have a door)

So my sister takes expection to not being shown this room goes up by herself with a large glass of wine about an hour after we had shown everyone around and somehow procceds to fall and not only manages to smash one of the monitors by landing on it she also manages to spill her wine down the back of the mainframe of the computer (which was turned on due to complining some software) which causes the computer to short circuit and basically ruined the entire computer (which was only bought a month ago)

Before I start the ranting section Dsis was completely fine

And so my DH and a couple of other people run upstairs to see what happened where then my sister says shes "darn goofed" and shes had a little accident and tries to down play everything as after we made sure she was fine DH was frantically trying to damage control the sistatuion etc

Which too my Dsis is very very funny and proceeds to laugh and joke about the entrie sistuation which just wond up DH even more and said quite loudly DH should take a chill pill as its only a computer. Which understandable was not taken well by DH whole sadly got really angry and shouted at my sister and ranted about how is it funny that a months long project has possibly gone up in smoke (computer was actully smoking at this point as he could not turn off internal power source in time) and that is has cost us alot of money and read her the riot act and asked her to leave the house.

(I am not excusing my DH but he was not abusive to her per say as in was not swearing / abusing her was just shouting, this is totally out of charater for him hes normally so calm and passive but he most likely shouldnt of reacted like that)

We leave it a couple of days to see just how much was damaged etc (thankfully back ups werent effected so only lost the compling time so project wasnt effect) but the computer, monitor and mainframe were total right offs.

And my sister contacts me to see how everything is and to apoligize to me about what happend and asked is there anything she can do to sort out the mess she made, which i replied she could replace what she damaged and apoligize to my DH. So she said fine I will replace the computer but I will not apoligize to DH as he was totally out of order etc and I comment that she still should apoligize as she was out of order etc and she hangs up.

So my DH sends a invoce for the computer parts (he can get the computer parts direct from manifactur etc so cheapest possible price ) which was £2600 which understandalbe is a quite a large number replys that she will buy a computer from PC world as she has seen one for £300 and that we should be greatful to even get that and I reply thats not a suitable replacement etc

(she has the money to replace it as she is in a well paid job and last week told me /boosted she had saved up £24,000 for her next years around the world holiday).

Sorry its really long but I thought I needed to include everything so not to accidently dripfeed later on

So AIBU for insisting she replaces the item she destoryed or I am being tight in expecting us not to be even further out of pocket for her totally avoidable mistake.

Ps sorry for spelling and grammer posting on a tablet (because the computer is out of action at the moment) without spell checker and I am dyslexic.

I hope that you and your mum can support each other and that it doesn't drive a wedge between you both or your brother. It's hugely upsetting for you all.

I know its a big ask but does anyone have any suggestions how to support my mother as I think shes even more devisated than I am and I feel soo guilty that all this is happening so soon after we lost father and I dont think she had fully recovered from that loss and then to be confronted with a massive rift with some of her children.

(I dont think she can drive a wedge between me and my brother as hes a doting (sorry spelling) uncle and loves the children and we are twins so he was always closer to me then our other siblings).

I dont know if I can ever forgive my sister for this and I dont know about long term but I dont know if I can go total NC with her as there is family events happening and dont want to spoil them with atnosphare (its my older brothers wedding next month and my twin brothers in july) but I dont think I can ever trust her in my home again as harsh as that sounds as we cannot risk her destorying anything else I cannot think of the conquences of if she had caused a fire that could of endangered the house or the back up hard drives (yes I know its super risky having back ups in same house but have not found a sercue sight in leicestershire yet to store them but its now top prioty so if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears)

Thank you everyone for your help and support

I think the only thing you can do us reassure your mum that you will be civil to her at family functions and that you have no intention of escalating this any more than it is at the moment.
She will obviously understand why you won't invite your sister to your house, but I think she needs the reassurance that you will support her in her relationship with your sister. Explain that you don't expect her to take sides as such, as you understand that at the end of the day, she is still her daughter who she loves, however badly she has behaved. That it is enough to know that she sympathises with you and supports you. Let you mum see how devastated you are, but don't slag your sister off too much. to her anyway

Thank goodness your Dh sent on the emails before she started her poison campaign! I still don't think that her beimg sad and troubled gives her either the least right or an excuse to behave the way she has; and I agree you would be best off limiting contact to public events only now.

Your mum is probably wondering where she went wrong in your sister's upbringing - you could remind her that the rest of her children and like that, and so it isn't in any way her fault, it's who your sister chooses to be, part of her nature that she has allowed to develop rather than suppressing it.

Also reassuring your mum that you will be civil when you see your sister will make her more easy with things; but I know from my own family experience that she will just be really upset that you can't all get along better. I completely agree that you should now keep quiet about her, and this situation, as there is a risk that your mum will try to even out the "blame" as time goes by, and decide that you are both as bad as each other - so don't give her ANY excuse to do so. It' s not a fair thing to do, but some people do that to avoid realising how bad one child's behaviour truly is.

Really pleased the insurance thing is sorted but am really quite irritated that your sister has "got away with it". I strongly recommend you stop giving her any gifts for birthdays or Christmas and keep her out of your house until you get a full and meaningful apology.

Bloody ipad... the rest of her children AREN'T like that

Agree with PPs - the amount you can do to help your mum is limited since it's not you who's chosen to behave like this. A very cool civility at family events should help, but frankly I'd worry that someone as crazy as this would use such occasions to kick off again

I'm also very glad the insurance issue has worked out, but concerned she'll take the end of financial demands as "proof" that she was faultless and that actually, you were just being hateful

Sorry - I'm not being much help, am I? I guess all you can do is keep things very cool, while never forgetting exactly what she's capable of

I've been lurking on your thread and I'm delighted that your DH has managed to get his computer sorted (with no thanks to your sister). I think though you need to be aware that at your upcoming family events while you might be civil towards your sister, her track record would lead me to believe that she will be anything but civil. I have a sneaky suspicion that she will try and turn whatever events you have coming up into a "Woe is me" event and the rest of your family have to be there to pull her up on this and to also tell her to shut up. They also have to be there and say that they know worridmum wasn't at fault and that they have the full picture.

I would talk to your mum and say that you don't want anything more to do with this particular sister based on her actions and unless she makes a full and complete apology for her recent behaviour, you will be unwilling to socialise with her. That doesn't mean that you will be unwilling to socialise with the rest of the family. It just means that if she is there you will ignore her. You wouldn't accept this from a stranger and she has now become a stranger to you. You can also tell your mum that this behaviour from this sister is not something that is down to your mother, but entirely down to how your sister is. Some people are like this "It's all about me, me, me me, me!!!!" and others are not.

It's such a pity that she can't see what she is doing to her family but after her recent conduct, she just isn't woman enough to sort out her own mess herself. She is behaving like a petulant child and she should be treated as such!

Best of luck to you in the future with this.

How do your brothers feel about your sister - I assume they have seen the emails? I'm wondering whether they even want her at their weddings? If it were me I would at the very least be having pretty strong words with her, including a warning that unless she behaves at the wedding and reception she will be thrown out.

Whatcha - while I fully appreciate the sentiment behind your second paragraph, that actually puts Worrid's mum into a really difficult position (again, been there). Best that Worrid just lets it go, doesn't involve her mum any more than she has to, and maintains the civility front as far as she is able.

Trust me, I had a similar sort of situation and my Mum went through all sorts of reconciliation tactics, none of which actually worked, in fact they made things worse if anything, but she kept trying and it was very wearing. If Worrid can just maintain superficial relations with the sister, it will save a lot of bother for ALL of them, including her Mum.

Do you know what Thumb - you're dead right!

Best of luck Worrid

I agree with Thumb, keep any mention of your sister to an absolute minimum, especially with your mum. It may seem like your sister is getting away with it, but you need to ensure you're the 100% reasonable mature person (you are!) and therefore there's no way any blame can be placed at your door. Especially with the weddings coming up, be civil and be prepared to simply walk away from any comments. If it's going to kick off on those special days, you want to be well away from any of it so it's obvious it's 100% your sister.

Sorry no advice on anything else. Your sister is being a total arsehole and I'm very glad that your DH forwarded the emails to the family.

Look for back up using the Google Drive. my DH uses it to store his work docs and it's very cost effective and also it's not like Google are going to go out of business anytime soon.

thank you Wellyes thats a great function I love it, I would recomend it to everyone that has important documents.

Random small update My older brother came to visit with future SiL and asked me how I wanted to handle the situation with my sister and they would follow my lead on what I decided. (the visit was planned so the DC could play together not due to the incident).

I thought it would be best to say that I am willing to let them decide and I would be civil to my sister / ignore depending on the sistuation (if she kicks off but I hope she doesnt as it would spoil his wedding)

My FSiL is glad that her husband showed her the email/explained the sistuation as she had actully rang her before my mother / TwinDB as she was shocked and could not belive I would do what she was saying and now she is leaning on to uninviting her but I said I cannot bear to be the one that causes my sister to be totally frozen out of family interactions (other than my own as more for the sake of mother then my sisters benifet) But suggested that sister is warned if shes causes a scence she will be asked to leave but I can be civil.

That's very good of you, worrid and I think you've done the right thing on all counts there. Glad your brothers are both being so supportive of you as well, that's excellent.

Your sister really does need to watch her step though, she's alienating all her family with her behaviour. :(

I think the situation as it is now, is the best outcome you could hope for, given that it's extremely upsetting for all concerned.

I think you've handled it well. How is your mum now?

Make sure you update us after the wedding.

hello everyone just an update about my brothers wedding.

Well it was a complete disaster my 'dear' sister managed to ruin / stain the entire meal/event of the wedding by my brother having to ring the police to have her removed after she assualted my husband (she throw a glass bottle in his face) after a huge verbal triad saying how my husband apprently turned the entire family against her and how us having children and a happy marrige is totally belittling her and that she said we desvered the computer being ruined as to apprently experence what the real world is about in between the swearing bouts until my brothers asked her nicely to leave if she could not be civil (there were lots of children)

And it was then that she picked up a bottle and threw it at my husband (thankfully he only suffered minor cuts and bruises doctors were saying if it smashed slightly differently he might of needed surgery / blinded in one eye)

And my husband IS PRESSING chargers despite my mother despritally trying to put pressure on my husband (and me to convice him not to) to not do so has apprently it will ruin her career (shes wroks with children and was going to go tour america but they do not allow people with crimal records for serous crimes like assult etc ) Am I wrong with siding with my husband as she needs to face the conquences of her bahaviour.

And of course my twin brother is outraged by her behavior and has univited her to all the family social events (aka his wedding and cristianing of my new neicee).

And my mother is now saying shes being torn in two as she cannot take sides and suggesting i apoligize (and get my husband to drop charges) so we can make up and get along again, which sadly in my opinion is no longer an option as she has complete burnt that bridge and bulldozed the ruins. And now my sister is constantly in tears on the phone to my dear mother saying how everyone has uninvited her events and how all her plans to tour the USA for 6 months is being ruined and how apprently we are totally ruining her life.

I love my mum and I can see why she cannot take sides properly but I would like her to actully be supportive of me and my husband for all the grief she has put us through and I am glad the wider family (and my brothers) all support me And that we cannot be blamed for her being orstrcauted from family events.

Sorry for the massive post and any spelling mistakes (I really really need to get myself a laptop with a spell checker my ipad is rubbish for it) and understandably my DH is being extra protective of the new computer.

Your husband is right to press charges she can't get away with assaulting people. I get that your mum is hurting though she wants to keep her family together but again you can't let your sister get away with it and as for starting it up again at your brothers wedding she sounds like she needs the shock of being charged.

She ruined her life by commiting assault, victim blaming like she is, is utterly pathetic.

Your DC MUST press charges, there is no way someone with such violent tenancies should be working with children, it is only right that she loses her job.

Also I agree with Lady dead Pool, victim blaming just adds to the damage done by the crime and should mean the punishment is worsened, not lessened.

Sorry that your brothers wedding was ruined, but please don't be talked into letting her get away with this crime.

You are absolutely right to support your husband in pressing charges. This woman is dangerous to be around children - she seems to have no self-control. And if she's excluded from family events she has no-one to blame but herself. Surely your mother is capable of seeing that the scene she made at your brother's wedding is totally unacceptable?

What an awful person - no way should she be allowed to work with children. Your husband is absolutely right to press charges. Sorry to hear your sister is still causing you and your family so much grief.

Please don't back down on this, your DH absolutely must press charges after such a serious assault. Your sister's behaviour is totally unacceptable and your mother is BVU not to see this, let alone to pressure you both into dropping the charges! Your sister shouldn't get away with doing this and she shouldn't continue working with children if she is this volatile and, frankly, unstable.

Holy shit she sounds seriously unhinged! I don't blame your husband for pressing charges, I would do the same.

Was she drunk again? I'm wondering if she has a problem with alcohol. Not that it means she can be easily forgiven but it makes it easier to understand her actions.

FWIW I would try to get my DH to drop the charges - just to keep the peace. But we would be permanently NC.

She has some really serious issues and I think your DH is right to press charges. She seems to have no concept of being responsible for her own actions. I think that if she was showing contrition and was appalled at her own behaviour and was willing to seek some therapy then perhaps a very kind person might drop the assault charges, but that is clearly not the case here.

I feel sorry for your Mum, but wonder if she has always done this sort of thing for your sister? Would she understand you if you told her that your sister is an adult and should be responsible for her own actions and face up to the consequences, and that it's not up to you, your DH or your Mum to 'fix' her life for her. Your Mum can't protect your sister from herself and the more she tries to the less your sister will be able to learn to control her impulses.

If your Mum suggested to your sister that she would benefit from seeing a therapist of some sort, would your sister listen? (I'm guessing probably not, sadly.)

Good god
She attacked and injured him, I'm not surprised he wants her charged. Her behaviour is appalling, and I'm also wondering if she is an alcoholic.