AIBU to think that if an adult breaks something they replace it?

[worridmum]

Sorry its long one with a tiny bit of a rant

AIBU to think that my "D"sis should replace my DH computer that she broke when warned not to do something. My sister thinks I am and says she will replace with vastly cheaper item that is not a a suitable replacement or we should suck up the £500 excuss on our home insurence and she thinks I am being tight in insisting she replaces like for like. since if we claim it will push our premiums up so in effect paying double for her grave laspe in judgement.

basically the story is we have just finished renivating our new house so decided to host a family get together to celibrate the hard work we had put in and to finally have resolution for a problem from work (in my prevous thread)

And so we hold the get together have some well desvered wine (children at camp et) and basically hold a mini tour of our house with the expection of my DH study as this is his primairly work space so has important documents and his custom built computer (needed partly for his job as a software engineer and partly his hobbies which had cost just under £3000) and everyone was told this room was offlimits. (its up a flight of stairs that leads onto its own floor and so doesnt have a door)

So my sister takes expection to not being shown this room goes up by herself with a large glass of wine about an hour after we had shown everyone around and somehow procceds to fall and not only manages to smash one of the monitors by landing on it she also manages to spill her wine down the back of the mainframe of the computer (which was turned on due to complining some software) which causes the computer to short circuit and basically ruined the entire computer (which was only bought a month ago)

Before I start the ranting section Dsis was completely fine

And so my DH and a couple of other people run upstairs to see what happened where then my sister says shes "darn goofed" and shes had a little accident and tries to down play everything as after we made sure she was fine DH was frantically trying to damage control the sistatuion etc

Which too my Dsis is very very funny and proceeds to laugh and joke about the entrie sistuation which just wond up DH even more and said quite loudly DH should take a chill pill as its only a computer. Which understandable was not taken well by DH whole sadly got really angry and shouted at my sister and ranted about how is it funny that a months long project has possibly gone up in smoke (computer was actully smoking at this point as he could not turn off internal power source in time) and that is has cost us alot of money and read her the riot act and asked her to leave the house.

(I am not excusing my DH but he was not abusive to her per say as in was not swearing / abusing her was just shouting, this is totally out of charater for him hes normally so calm and passive but he most likely shouldnt of reacted like that)

We leave it a couple of days to see just how much was damaged etc (thankfully back ups werent effected so only lost the compling time so project wasnt effect) but the computer, monitor and mainframe were total right offs.

And my sister contacts me to see how everything is and to apoligize to me about what happend and asked is there anything she can do to sort out the mess she made, which i replied she could replace what she damaged and apoligize to my DH. So she said fine I will replace the computer but I will not apoligize to DH as he was totally out of order etc and I comment that she still should apoligize as she was out of order etc and she hangs up.

So my DH sends a invoce for the computer parts (he can get the computer parts direct from manifactur etc so cheapest possible price ) which was £2600 which understandalbe is a quite a large number replys that she will buy a computer from PC world as she has seen one for £300 and that we should be greatful to even get that and I reply thats not a suitable replacement etc

(she has the money to replace it as she is in a well paid job and last week told me /boosted she had saved up £24,000 for her next years around the world holiday).

Sorry its really long but I thought I needed to include everything so not to accidently dripfeed later on

So AIBU for insisting she replaces the item she destoryed or I am being tight in expecting us not to be even further out of pocket for her totally avoidable mistake.

Ps sorry for spelling and grammer posting on a tablet (because the computer is out of action at the moment) without spell checker and I am dyslexic.

Oops should read I personally wouldn't pursue it through the courts. My DH is a solicitor and it isn't the costs or the process but just that it drags it out and prolongs the hurt. Get it fixed and get on with your life.

worridmum Can I say I think you're very wise to take a while to absorb all of this before deciding what to do

About allowing your mum to pay, though, two things occur to me:

Firstly, changing her will/your sister's inheritance would obviously involve yet more expense for legal fees - would she really want to pay that on top of everything else, or would the "inheritance reduction" just become an empty threat which enabled your sister to claim she'd paid but never actually happened?

Secondly, your sister's attitude suggests she probably wouldn't pay your mum back if instalments were suggested; isn't there a chance that this route would just lead to more arguments each time a payment was missed?

Your sis is a toxic bitch! Personally I would disown/ go non contact and when asked why forward the email. Sounds like she damaged computer on purpose out of spite :(

Your sister is insane.

I wouldn't be crazy about allowing my insurance to pay for the damage because then you will have to report this on every insurance policy you take out for the next five years, I believe (?).

Under no circumstances should you make this claim on your insurance. That is to cover you for accidental damage that you do. She should pay up or claim on HER insurance - most house insurance policies include some liability insurance for just this type of situation.
Given her email, however, I suspect that small claims is the only way that you will see a penny off her.

She's obviously very troubled with a lot going on in her life. I really struggle to believe that she'd intentionally tip a glass of wine over the computer though.

And I really don't understand why you won't claim on the insurance! Why do you even HAVE the policy if you won't claim on it? What's the point in paying for it? If one of your kids had knocked their juice into it and done the same, what would you have done then?

Thewild she won't (or shouldnt) because they didn't damage so shouldn't bear the cost of it (premiums and the excess). Additionally, the sisters attitude stinks and she shouldnot be rewarded for that (by not paying for what she broke)

They should save their insurance claim for when a ggenuine accident happens.

Just because you've had a tough time re childlessness and divorce does not automatically mean you are troubled.
I was in exactly the same situation and my divorce was actually hugely positive

It sounds as if she did do the damage on purpose.

Can you make a claim on your insurance, tell them what happened and give them a copy of the email from your sister which says that she did it deliberately, and let your insurance company go after her/her insurance for the costs?

can you please describe the location of the monitor in relation to everything else in the room. How was it smashed? could she have kicked it?

did you hear the noise of her falling, or did you just hear a thud or a crash? could she have shoved it? where was the wine spilt in relation to the monitor - was it feasible for her to smash monitor AND tip wine down the back of the computer?

Have you told your DM about this email yet? you need to get the family together and get them to help you solve this.

bottom line, SHE claims on HER insurance OR she pays up OR you take her to small claims court. she has made it clear that there is no relationship between you.

Nothing more to add to the advice give by others but just wanted to say she's being really cruel to you and you don't deserve this.

Where did she say she did it deliberately!?

She should pay up or claim on HER insurance - most house insurance policies include some liability insurance for just this type of situation.

Exactly. I would get your DH to write her a formal letter outlining the incident, enclosing any emails/print outs of texts where she confirms the basic circumstances as well as the invoices for the repairs. State that she has confirmed that she caused the damage. Inform her that she should pass the correspondence on to her home or liability Insurers without delay; if you do not hear from her or her Insurers within 21 days from the date of this correspondence you will be forced to instruct a solicitor or begin the small claims process. She will be made to pay any costs associated with either of these routes and it would be best for all parties if she engaged with you directly and came to a private arrangement. Send it recorded delivery.

I can see why people are saying to claim on your own policy, but I would be wary considering the struggle you've had to get cover already and the high premiums you're already having to pay. Unless you're desperate for the funds I would explore this route first.

Awful behaviour and you shouldn't end up out of pocket over it.

I would take a long hard think about your next step. Attempts to recover the money from her directly, through small claims or her own insurance are likely to escalate the situation and have repercussions within the wider family, people getting dragged in to taking sides etc.

Not saying what you should or should not do, and I have no idea of the legalities, I just think it's worth thinking through the possible consequences of any actions, and whether any short term gain is worth the long term pain. Legal action against family is usually not taken lightly or ever forgotten and can lead to estrangements, not just from the index person. If you are OK with that , fine. Some people would just make an insurance claim and move on, but with limited contact with your sister, in the interests of maintaining good relationships with the rest of the family. Some wouldn't.

Hmm... Sounds familiar ...

Why should the OP think about the long term ramifications?

Why not someone take this supposed sister aside and point out the same to HER?

Hissy, if that is at me, I am not in any way justifying the sister. There will be long term ramifications whatever the OP does, or if she does nothing - sister thinks she's got away with it and carries on with similar behaviour, sister goes ballistic, massive family fall out, whatever. I'm not saying what to do or not do, that's a personal thing for the OP, and she will have to live with the consequences - so thinking them through and not acting in haste might be wise ? I'm out.

Oh god no! Not at you!

My own mother and sister, well and father actually have treated me abysmally, but they each tell me that I HAVE TO MAKE UP with them!

i just don't inderstand why the person who causes the issue in the first place is allowed to carry on, but the "victim" has to make up, suck it up and say nothing.

Why can't people kick over a few cans For The person who was wronged?

If anyone has any answer to that, I'd love to hear the theory because I really can't work it out

Sorry high kick!

Sorry you've experienced this escalation in ill feeling from your sister. She's on the attack because she knows she's in the wrong and has been made to look a wally in front of the family. She shouldn't have gone up there full stop and in doing so exercised poor judgement, just like she's doing now if she thinks that email was a good idea.

We had a burst pipe 5 years ago and claimed over £30k in repairs. My b&c insurance this year was just £200. Now I know you've got an unusual situation in the flooding zone but this claim won't go under that claim code so it actually probably won't affect you as much has you think. It will go up but ours went up by £40 in the first year then back down to the same level the next year and continued to go down. Remember this is £30k of damage; ten times what you are claiming. Mine was a thing which had the potential to happen again technically (although we now have a stop tap on that pipe) and yours might happen again as the computer is going to be replaced (although if you say your clumsy oaf of a sister is no longer invite round maybe it'll go down ) Was the computer specified as a high value item in its own right? If not you might struggle to get the full value on insurance.

At the very least she should pay the excess but really given her income and her recklessness ignoring your request she should cop for the full lot. And saying your husband is a nerd who plays with children's toys i.e. the computer. Tell that to the richest man in the world who made his fortune in Microsoft computers. Or the young upstart who made billions from Facebook... People who think computers are for kids don't understand the money to be made from them. Look at the Angry Birds app - presumably some nerd came up with that whilst playing with a children's toy!

I am back with a update and its worse than I could of imagined my sister to do and if I wasnt actully living it I would think it was taken stright out of a show like eastnders

Basically I sent a calm and factaul email like advised by servaul posters just explaining sorry you feel like that and could update will you be covering the cost of the damage etc unknown to me, my DH actully CC/forwarded all the previous emails to my family (we have a automailer with everyones email address on we can send out mass emails to everyone I for the life of me cannot remeber what they are called but obvosuly excluding my sisters address for the CCing)

After what I learned today I am glad that he did send them even if he did so behind my back (I really didnt feel comfortable doing so myself and would most likely not done so) but the email was sent out in the morning and I learnt from my mother and brother that she has been in contact with both of them this afternoon trying to turn my own family against me saying I had demanded unreasonable amounts of money been down right nasty to her called her dispicable names etc

But because of the emails that were forwared by DH they had the true story and my Mother appently called her out on her behaviour as my mother rang me in tears about the whole phone call and conversation (brother texted me saying sister is slaging me off to him).

My sister had the nerve to actully ring me tonight and spew some of the most disgusting things I have ever heard before I intrupted the traid and in the most calm voice i could manage (I was furious at this point) that until she had a more civil tongue not to bother contacting me again by phone (children where in and I didnt not want them to hear their mother and anutie arguing like that on the phone is the reason i did not give her a piece of my mind)

I cannot belive in a million years that my OWN sister would sink so low as to attempt exclude me from the family by attempting to turn them all against me with these hurtful lies, what possbile could I have done to desrive this I would not attempt to do something like this to my worst enemy

I am so sad that my sister hates me so much that she would attempt to do something like this to me I am beyond words to describe how I am feeling right now I dont know if I should be angry or sad about the whole thing.

Flyingspeggitimonster I would not attempt to screw my sister by profiting from her money my DH quoted the best possible prices for the parts (as a company he can buy direct from the manifacturs skipping the middle man Its just for specialized computers like this are just this costly.

For the postion of the monitor to the computer it is possible to trip over to smash the monitior and manage to spill wine down in such away that it could cause the damage but the chances are like winning the unlucky lottery (but is possible it was a totally accident)

But after what I have heard from other family members its possible it wasnt but until today I could not belive my sister could be so spiteful nasty to do something like that on purpose.

And finally some good news after all the horrid stuff that has happened DH has found out he can claim for the damage on the companies insurence as its a work computer for the company (and has gotten premission to claim both my DH and his freind who are both equal owners of the company and DH has agreed to pay the hiked preimuims out of his divided that he is entilted to) so it will not hike our personal home insurence premiums (and apprently company insurence is far cheaper then privaite indervauls insurence even though the companies on the whole claim much higher amounts.... but I dont know the ins and outs of how insurence companies make their money.

You poor thing - I think you probably need a bit of time to come to terms with such a huge and dramatic shift in the dynamic of your relationship with your sister. The fact that she has tried to turn your family against you shows that she is trying to manipulate things to suit herself, so it is a good thing that you have shown them all clear evidence of her behaviour. Hopefully this will be the wake up call that she needs to have a good hard look at herself - either she will change, or she won't, but it's out of your hands now.

There's nothing you can do to change her twisted world view - if she really believes that you should have avoided marrying and limited the size of your family just to appease her, then she really is delusional, particularly if she thinks it would have actually made her happy! All you can do is keep the rest of your family close and support each other through the shock of finding out that your sister is prepared to sacrifice all your relationships to get her own way. It won't be easy, but it's all you can really do unless she is prepared to admit her issues and seek help.

I'm glad for you and your DH regarding the insurance OP. I'm so sorry about your sister though, she sounds like a really nasty piece of work. You would have found out one way or the other sometime, at least you did now before she managed to spin her lies and turn people against you. I suspect she will try with friends too, so be ready to show them the emails too if she does- or for some to be off with you if they've heard a bastardised story.

Did she admit she did it on purpose or just allude to it? Your update reads more alluding too, had she admitted it you could have used that to push her to pay.

I agree with DoJo, keep her far away and your family close. She needs a scapegoat for all her bad luck, bad times and bad choices, she needs to accept it has nothing to do with you.

You can be the bigger person, then. Go back to the original email trail and email everyone saying that it's been sorted out financially at least.
It's not fair that she's taking it out on you, but your sister is obviously a very unhappy person.

I apologise for my language but your sister sounds like an absolute cunt.

I have a similar priced system and if someone deliberately damaged it then I would not be responsible for my actions.

Push her away and pull your other family members closer.

I'm so sorry OP. Are your family being supportive? I think your sister needs to realise that there are consequences to behaving like this from others too.