AIBU to think that if an adult breaks something they replace it?

[worridmum]

Sorry its long one with a tiny bit of a rant

AIBU to think that my "D"sis should replace my DH computer that she broke when warned not to do something. My sister thinks I am and says she will replace with vastly cheaper item that is not a a suitable replacement or we should suck up the £500 excuss on our home insurence and she thinks I am being tight in insisting she replaces like for like. since if we claim it will push our premiums up so in effect paying double for her grave laspe in judgement.

basically the story is we have just finished renivating our new house so decided to host a family get together to celibrate the hard work we had put in and to finally have resolution for a problem from work (in my prevous thread)

And so we hold the get together have some well desvered wine (children at camp et) and basically hold a mini tour of our house with the expection of my DH study as this is his primairly work space so has important documents and his custom built computer (needed partly for his job as a software engineer and partly his hobbies which had cost just under £3000) and everyone was told this room was offlimits. (its up a flight of stairs that leads onto its own floor and so doesnt have a door)

So my sister takes expection to not being shown this room goes up by herself with a large glass of wine about an hour after we had shown everyone around and somehow procceds to fall and not only manages to smash one of the monitors by landing on it she also manages to spill her wine down the back of the mainframe of the computer (which was turned on due to complining some software) which causes the computer to short circuit and basically ruined the entire computer (which was only bought a month ago)

Before I start the ranting section Dsis was completely fine

And so my DH and a couple of other people run upstairs to see what happened where then my sister says shes "darn goofed" and shes had a little accident and tries to down play everything as after we made sure she was fine DH was frantically trying to damage control the sistatuion etc

Which too my Dsis is very very funny and proceeds to laugh and joke about the entrie sistuation which just wond up DH even more and said quite loudly DH should take a chill pill as its only a computer. Which understandable was not taken well by DH whole sadly got really angry and shouted at my sister and ranted about how is it funny that a months long project has possibly gone up in smoke (computer was actully smoking at this point as he could not turn off internal power source in time) and that is has cost us alot of money and read her the riot act and asked her to leave the house.

(I am not excusing my DH but he was not abusive to her per say as in was not swearing / abusing her was just shouting, this is totally out of charater for him hes normally so calm and passive but he most likely shouldnt of reacted like that)

We leave it a couple of days to see just how much was damaged etc (thankfully back ups werent effected so only lost the compling time so project wasnt effect) but the computer, monitor and mainframe were total right offs.

And my sister contacts me to see how everything is and to apoligize to me about what happend and asked is there anything she can do to sort out the mess she made, which i replied she could replace what she damaged and apoligize to my DH. So she said fine I will replace the computer but I will not apoligize to DH as he was totally out of order etc and I comment that she still should apoligize as she was out of order etc and she hangs up.

So my DH sends a invoce for the computer parts (he can get the computer parts direct from manifactur etc so cheapest possible price ) which was £2600 which understandalbe is a quite a large number replys that she will buy a computer from PC world as she has seen one for £300 and that we should be greatful to even get that and I reply thats not a suitable replacement etc

(she has the money to replace it as she is in a well paid job and last week told me /boosted she had saved up £24,000 for her next years around the world holiday).

Sorry its really long but I thought I needed to include everything so not to accidently dripfeed later on

So AIBU for insisting she replaces the item she destoryed or I am being tight in expecting us not to be even further out of pocket for her totally avoidable mistake.

Ps sorry for spelling and grammer posting on a tablet (because the computer is out of action at the moment) without spell checker and I am dyslexic.

I would take her to small claims court.

if your mother pays up I think she should insist your sister pays her back in monthly instalments, over a year or so. Otherwise your sister hasn't experienced any sort of negative impact at all as a result of her actions.

I think your dh was very restrained, if I was in his shoes, I think I'd have just thrown her out of the window.

She should pay the full amount and she should apologise to both of you, profusely and grovellingly, her behaviour was appalling. Why should you have to pay higher insurance premiums when it wasn't your fault.

Also she needs to be educated on the different types of computer that are available, just because it may look like an ordinary pc or laptop on the outside doesn't mean it is. Someone needs to make this crystal clear to her as she's obviously too stupid to work it out for herself Does your Dh have the receipts from its build so he can show her exactly how much the damaged parts will cost to replace, plus labour, plus VAT etc. And she needs to cover the costs of his delayerd project, the inconvenience of running it on his friend's system etc.

Even if she didn't have the money to hand, I'd have expected her to pay the full cost over time. Every part of her actions was wrong.

1. Noseying in an area she'd been told not to go
2. Causing damage by her own stupidity
3. Trying to shift the blame by arguing you should claim on your insurance.
4. Offering a paltry sum and still denying responsibility.

It's the sort of thing that features on Judge Judy, and she would say the same as the majority of respondents on here, apologise, take responsibility for your own stupidity and pay the full amount [gavel]

I don't think you should accept your mums offer, sorry. I would certainly tell your sister about the offer though to see if that pricks her conscience.

I don't think a rise in premiums will be as much as you think, maybe £100 a year for a few years? So under 1k total cost by the time you've paid the excess?

Id be asking your sister for a sum in that region.

If your mum gives you the cash, make sure she docs it from the inheritance - plus an extra amount for inflation.

just a major update I recivered a really horrid email from my sister.

Which boils down to apparntly I am a nasty person for allowing her to be shamed in front of the entire family. That computers are nerdy children toys and that my DH should get a proper job and that she will not be paying for her damage because why should she enable my husband to be a nerd that plays on a computer all day.......

And apprently I desevre just bad things to happen to me because I have had the nerve to get married before her (shes my older sister but was not in a relastionship at the time when i got married). And to add too that horror apprently I am rubbing in her face by having 4 children while she can never have children (I never mention any problems with children in fornt of her)

And because her "D"H left her because he wanted children that she couldnt give him (she refused to adopt) and I should suck up the costs incurred with the damage she caused as its karma for me having children when she cant

Oh and apprently I am a drama queen / tight bitch for actully asking her to pay for the damage and I should drop this whole topic or she will let the entre family know I am a bullying entitled bitch

I am actully in tears at the moment I thought that we were close but apprently I was totally wrong

You poor thing - she sounds as though she has been building up some festering resentment for years and it's all spilled out over this issue, but there is simply nothing you can do about her bitterness towards you. If she is prepared to use this kind of thing against you as an excuse for her behaviour, then I would suggest that the only thing you can really do is leave her to it. Getting married, having kids - did she really expect you to limit your life just to suit her? If she felt 'shamed' in front of the family, then it was because she did it to herself, and the fact that she is even trying to pin this on you shows just how wrong-headed her way of thinking is. She is obviously hoping that she can push you into a position where you will capitulate and she will 'get away' with it, but you have nothing to feel bad about except trusting her.

I'm sorry you're so upset and I think maybe you need to leave it a few days before you do anything or make any decisions. FWIW, I still think she should pay, and that this whole thing is just a distraction tactic to stop you from pursuing her. All it does is show how spiteful she is prepared to be to save herself the expense, which isn't exactly likely to endear her to you is it?!

I really am so sorry, worridmum; spite like this is bad enough from anyone, but from your own sister it must be devastating

I'd normally suggest not replying to this sort of insanity, but of course that would also be the end of you getting anything towards the damage ... please ignore me if I'm totally off the mark, but is there any chance she factored that idea in when writing that message?

Hard to know how the two of you can ever come back from this - what are your own feelings on how best to handle it?

Great minds and all that, DoJo

Jeez she is something else your sister isn't she.
Personally I would be forwarding that email to my mother so she can see what a nasty piece of work she is.
She should pay but she clearly won't and you either claim on the insurance or go with your mothers idea. I would however have nothing to do with the spitefully little butch ever again.

Keep her message. Keep everything. And take your sister to small claims court pronto.

Obviously I meant spitefull bitch

Well at least you now know why she did it. Not that it'll be of much comfort.
Personally I'd reply asking her whether she's going to pay or not and explain the kind offer your lovely DM made. I'd copy in your mum (and anyone else you think she's likely to try to poison against you) so they can just how appalling she is being.

Deliberate damage then? That's clear!

People like this thrive on the idea that you will neve tell a soul alln this terrible stuff she's said.

Well.

Educate her on this one!
Email this to your mother and anyone else who would put pressure on her, and ask them for their help to resolve this.

Upshot she needs to repair what she broke.

Wow. she thinks YOU'RE the entitled one? This smacks to me of a toddler defecating on the floor to get its mothers attention whilst she breast feeds its newborn sibling. I would be amazed if this was an accident, I mean what are the chances?

In this situation. I'm not sure whether I'd just take the offer from your mum, and go NC with your sister, or insist she pays and go NC anyway.

Sadly I don't think there's a way for the two of you to have a functional relationship after this. She is bitter and obviously Is stuck being 7 years old. Do not engage on any of the subject matter she has raised in her email. Just give her two choices- pay or don't pay. Don't beg, don't appeal to her better nature, don't engage with any of this "poor me" bullshit. Respond as if she were a business associate. You broke it. It has this impact. This is the cost to replace. This is what you need to do to rectify your mistake. End of.

Sorry if that sounds brutal and I in no way wish to diminish how emotionally hard it must be to get that email, but honestly- your sister wants the drama.
DO. NOT. ENGAGE.

Best of luck. Unmumsnetty hugs OP

I believe you're right about her wanting the drama, Momzilla. It's also why I wouldn't personally accept money from mum, as that could so easily turn into "see - mummy paid because she knew I wasn't at fault; at least she's kind to me, boo hoo"

It's also why I'd avoid copying family members in on the email; wouldn't that just keep the drama rolling on and on? Hard I know, but cool and to the point would be he way forward for me: This is what you did and this is what you owe - pay or face court action

Personally I'd send back 'so you purposefully went into the office you were told not too, you then poured wine all over the computer to be spiteful. Good to know, you'll be receiving the small claims invoice shortly and you will of course no longer be welcome around any of my family.'

Then I'd cc all the family in so they can see what a vile person she is.

This just confirms that she did it on purpose and that's something that everyone should know,it should not be hidden. Who knows who she'll take to spiting next?

I'm so sorry OP.

God, I'm so sorry.

I would also be tempted to forward the email to everyone so they can make their own minds up who the bullying, entitled person is.....well Id forward it to close family anyway.

I wouldn't chase her for any more money. I would suck up the £500 excess and cut all ties with her. For good.

Crikey. She sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I'd be sorely tempted to forward her e-mail to the family and let them make their own minds up about who the "bullying entitled bitch" is if she starts bad mouthing you. Frankly, that's the sort of e-mail that only a bullying, entitled, bitch would send to her sister after accidentally (?) breaking a very expensive computer as she did.

I'm with the others. There will be as dive fallout from this either way and she is going to bad mouth you no matter which way you handle it so forwarding the email to the rest of your family will end it.
Anything less than that will become and she said/she said battle.
I'm sorry she's being like this, she has some issues she needs help with & you are feeling the brunt of it.

Forwarding the email would be a kind of nail in the coffin on this one. She did x, this is why she did x. End of.
Claim on the insurance, send her costs - the excess & future premium increases by all means. But be ready to accept she may not pay up & nc may be your only way forward.
It's a horrible situation to be in but the sooner you move forward the sooner you heal. Months of arguing back and forth will add to your pain and stress. I wish you and your DH well for the future.

What a bitch, forward the email to all your family, let your mum pay and take it off her inheritance.

for you op

I would forward the email to all family members at the time of the incident.
Depending on how you want to move forward, do you want to go nc? Minimalize contact?
Has she been getting away with this for years?

www.moneyclaim.gov.uk/web/mcol/welcome

File a claim for the damage & loss of earnings + any other fallout that has resulted.

Loss of earnings I'm sure will amount to a few thousand at least, so even if you only get the excess awarded at least the remedy for loss of earnings will compensate for the hike in premiums.

Only costs about £100 to make the claim.

Don't bother with any direct communication.

I wouldn't forward the email to your parents, it's going to be horrible for them But I do think they need to see it. Can you go over in person and ask them for their opinions and together decide what to do.? It's likely to have a big fallout, so if you are all singing from the same hymn sheet, so to speak, it will be better. Your poor parents are going to be so upset but they do need to know and be involved.
Depending on their reaction, I'd then decide whether to persue it through the small claims, accept their offer, or just pay the £500 excess and suck up the rest. You need to minimise the distress to yourselves and them.