AIBU to think that if an adult breaks something they replace it?

[worridmum]

Sorry its long one with a tiny bit of a rant

AIBU to think that my "D"sis should replace my DH computer that she broke when warned not to do something. My sister thinks I am and says she will replace with vastly cheaper item that is not a a suitable replacement or we should suck up the £500 excuss on our home insurence and she thinks I am being tight in insisting she replaces like for like. since if we claim it will push our premiums up so in effect paying double for her grave laspe in judgement.

basically the story is we have just finished renivating our new house so decided to host a family get together to celibrate the hard work we had put in and to finally have resolution for a problem from work (in my prevous thread)

And so we hold the get together have some well desvered wine (children at camp et) and basically hold a mini tour of our house with the expection of my DH study as this is his primairly work space so has important documents and his custom built computer (needed partly for his job as a software engineer and partly his hobbies which had cost just under £3000) and everyone was told this room was offlimits. (its up a flight of stairs that leads onto its own floor and so doesnt have a door)

So my sister takes expection to not being shown this room goes up by herself with a large glass of wine about an hour after we had shown everyone around and somehow procceds to fall and not only manages to smash one of the monitors by landing on it she also manages to spill her wine down the back of the mainframe of the computer (which was turned on due to complining some software) which causes the computer to short circuit and basically ruined the entire computer (which was only bought a month ago)

Before I start the ranting section Dsis was completely fine

And so my DH and a couple of other people run upstairs to see what happened where then my sister says shes "darn goofed" and shes had a little accident and tries to down play everything as after we made sure she was fine DH was frantically trying to damage control the sistatuion etc

Which too my Dsis is very very funny and proceeds to laugh and joke about the entrie sistuation which just wond up DH even more and said quite loudly DH should take a chill pill as its only a computer. Which understandable was not taken well by DH whole sadly got really angry and shouted at my sister and ranted about how is it funny that a months long project has possibly gone up in smoke (computer was actully smoking at this point as he could not turn off internal power source in time) and that is has cost us alot of money and read her the riot act and asked her to leave the house.

(I am not excusing my DH but he was not abusive to her per say as in was not swearing / abusing her was just shouting, this is totally out of charater for him hes normally so calm and passive but he most likely shouldnt of reacted like that)

We leave it a couple of days to see just how much was damaged etc (thankfully back ups werent effected so only lost the compling time so project wasnt effect) but the computer, monitor and mainframe were total right offs.

And my sister contacts me to see how everything is and to apoligize to me about what happend and asked is there anything she can do to sort out the mess she made, which i replied she could replace what she damaged and apoligize to my DH. So she said fine I will replace the computer but I will not apoligize to DH as he was totally out of order etc and I comment that she still should apoligize as she was out of order etc and she hangs up.

So my DH sends a invoce for the computer parts (he can get the computer parts direct from manifactur etc so cheapest possible price ) which was £2600 which understandalbe is a quite a large number replys that she will buy a computer from PC world as she has seen one for £300 and that we should be greatful to even get that and I reply thats not a suitable replacement etc

(she has the money to replace it as she is in a well paid job and last week told me /boosted she had saved up £24,000 for her next years around the world holiday).

Sorry its really long but I thought I needed to include everything so not to accidently dripfeed later on

So AIBU for insisting she replaces the item she destoryed or I am being tight in expecting us not to be even further out of pocket for her totally avoidable mistake.

Ps sorry for spelling and grammer posting on a tablet (because the computer is out of action at the moment) without spell checker and I am dyslexic.

Accident = passing an iPad around to show holiday photos, someone drops it and it smashes.

Not an accident = going into a room that was specifically out of bounds, stumbling about carelessly, wrecking brand-new professional grade hardware vital for someone's employment.

I'd be going for the full amount too.

I think you should claim on your insurance and she should cover the increased premiums for the next three years (after which they will return to normal).

fulltothebrim Yes, car insurance premiums go up after a non-fault accident. It has happened to me twice. The first time, someone ran a red light, hit the side of me and my premium went up because the insurance company said I was statistically more likely to have another accident.
The second time, my premium went up because the named driver had an accident. They weren't even on the policy when it came up for renewal, but had already sullied my policy by then!

She should be made to pay the full amount and I would consider taking her to small claims court over it. She was told the office was off limits, she took it upon herself to go up there with a glass of wine. Her choice, she deals with the consequences.

Dh is in IT and has a custom built computer complete with expensive and large wall mounted monitor. He uses our spare bedroom to work from and is out of bounds to everyone. No-one uses that computer because of the cost of it and every time you turn it on, it has pages of code running etc. We all have laptops/chromebooks to use instead.

I think your sister clearly has no idea of the cost of putting together a custom built computer and probably thinks you are trying to make a profit from her. Her PC World comment proves it.

This is an insurance claim. That is an unfair amount to ask an adult to cover when she's been saving up for something else. It is a lot of money and it is why you have insurance. You could ask her to pay the excess.

Don't blame yourself.

If you told her she couldn't borrow your car, did, and smashed it - would it be your fault for 'encouraging her' to want to test the forbidden car?

Is it a grown ups fault when children are told to keep out of adults bedrooms - that they go in there?

People are responsible for their own actions - and if they cannot be - then they should have full time carers as they are obviously disabled. (I have a disabled DS)

She should pay - end of - and oay for what she broke. Therefore the exact model not one she deems acceptable.

Yanbu.

And the increase in premiums?

You're never going to get her to pay the whole replacement cost. I'd claim on the insurance and get her to pay the excess.

If I was your DH and someone had potentially wrecked not only my work equipment, the means by which I earn a living and feed my family. If I also didn't know if the work I had done in the last month and which I was relying on to be paid for and potentially be letting down a client and impacting on the firms reputation I would have gone ballistic. It's not an iPad or a piece of hardware but his living. She then laughed when it was going up in smoke. She may have been a little bit drunk or felt embarrassed and not handled it properly but she was just as awful the next day and demanded an apology, it is shocking of your sister. She needs to stand up and apologise properly and take responsibility.

If you do get the excess and claim on insurance, how do you know what increase would be due to the claim or other factors. I bet she would argue that it wasn't her responsibility when it came round to re insuring next year.

something does not add up - a £3000 computer is damaged to the tune of £2600 by a glass of wine? How? Ours cost a touch more than that that for a high end custom made gaming machine - and to do that much damage would require a sledge-hammer to the actual graphics chip (in the middle of the graphics board, which is in the middle of the other boards - inside a case... the rest is all plug and replace.

The woman is an adult, she was

a) specifically asked not to go into BIL's place of work

b) was so drunk while in there she crashed into valuable computer ware that was not just PC worlds latest special offer, but a high spec item.

c) and now has the nerve to get arsey with being asked to replace said damaged goods?!

How old is this entitled woman??

She needs to pay the excess and increase in premiums at least.

OP is your sister jealous of your new home? Seems a very selfish weird thing to do. Does she normally respect your requests?

Agree with Box. I would be happy for her to pay the insurance excess plus any rise in premiums next year.

Isn't this the whole point of having insurance? Why else are you bothering to pay your premiums if you aren't going to ever claim any money back from the company! Lucky insurance man, collecting your money and never paying out!

Your Sis should pay the excess and maybe a little extra on top.

Of course she should pay...but in the end this is what insurance is for.

I would ask her for the excess and a sum to cover insurance hikes.

But don't accept insurance hikes without questioning it - I always call and argue the renewal quote and they always negotiate and take it back down. I ask for an explanation of the increase, say I think it is not reasonable...say 'give me a few days to shop around' (call as soon as the renewal notice arrives so you have time for this) , and especially, if you have contents and buildings insurance with the same company, argue that this is a contents claim and should not result in any % increase for the buildings part of your insurance.

Your Sis is wholly in the wrong here and should take responsibility, but a negotiating tip for the future: be clear in your own mind what it is you want and do not get sidetracked by any other issues. So, the replacement was important to you - when she called, you could have stuck to that and not got sidetracked into the apology.

In other circumstances, had the item been, say, something of low material value but high sentimental value, an apology could have been the most important thing you needed in order to move forwards.

Your sis is manipulative - the drama and jokes and trying to deflect responsibility when she did it...she will now turn all this into a thing about your DH shouting and her not apologising. Drop that : say 'drop talk of apology, and let's talk about how we address our need to get the computer replaced as it needs to be, that's what matters to us'.

What the hell is wrong with her that she thinks a 300 quid PC will cut it? She needs to cough up!

thanks everyone just a little update my mother has offered to give us the money for the computer and substract it from 'D'sis future inhertence as she is mortified at her bahivour.

I dont really want to accept my DM money while shes not poor she is not loaded and is a retired pensoner and why should my DM have to bail out my older sister behavour.

So I am going to wait for a response from my older sister before we do anything as she might surpirse everyone and grow a conicence and pay up.

To answer some answer some questions

The computer is a total write of other than 1 of the internal hard drives that DH was able to salvage (the short circuit caused a internal fire and basically destoryed most of the componant beyond repair)

My DH explained to me how it could of happened the wine spilt in such a way that in went into the power supply while the computer was running (if it was switched off would not of been a major problem would just need to proffesnally clear compounats and wait for it to dry etc) but because it was switched on and running it short circuited and because the mains power was disrupted the back up power supply came online (could not turn it off in time) which contined to circulate power to the computer which by this time had wine dripping inside it which then caused something to majorly go wrong and start to actully smoke which in turn ruined the majority of the stuff beyond repair.

Thank you for all your advice I will update later on

God your sister is an arse. Why would you go into an office? Then how would you manage to spill wine over a computer? Tbh it sounds so implausible I think she did it on purpose. Adults spill wine on carpets, couches hell maybe a laptop on the floor or an iPad but a desktop computer. That sounds like an act of vandalism and I would be wondering why.

I had that thought too. I think it was a deliberate act although she might not even be aware of it and would probably deny it vehemently.

Could be something to do with jealousy that you and your family finally have your lovely house and home and things are starting to look up for you in general. People can sometimes be heavily invested in the idea that they're the golden child and they can react terribly to good fortune in others' lives as if it takes away from their own position.

Your Mum sounds lovely but as you say I really hope your sister discovers her conscience very soon as she shouldn't be left out of pocket either - deducting this sum from a future 'inheritance' is also a big risk for her, as, who knows what your mum might need this money for in the meantime ? There may well be no inheritance ultimately.

As others have said, you do have to wonder what really happened. Quite what was so fascinating about that particular room I have no idea - the vast majority of adults would have accepted without question that it was out of bounds for very good reasons and wouldn't have thought any more of it. Someone up thread suggested she might be jealous of your new home ? .... I wonder if the alcohol prompted her to go up there in a 'how dare she tell me I can't go where I want' sort of way and the 'accident' was a spur of the moment act of spite. She probably didn't appreciate just how expensive and vital that piece of equipment was - which is beside the point - and then, when your DH responded with completely understandable fury at her has reacted badly since because deep down she knows she's monumentally fucked up but doesn't have the guts to face up to it - on top of which the whole family is disgusted with her. If this was deliberate, she may well have thought an 'accident' would have been an 'annoyance' for you - that she'd get a little kick out of - but the magnitude of what she's done has come back to bite her in the bum and she now feels 'offended' and disgruntled, despite the fact it was all her own doing and she's shown herself up as selfish, ignorant, irresponsible, mean minded and quite possibly a spiteful liar too.

The best thing she could do now is some serious damage limitation - not just the expense and putting that right, but heartfelt apologies to you and DH and the rest of the family. Flowers for you, a bottle of his favourite drink - that sort of gesture ... a handwritten letter perhaps. The stupid woman must realise this is more than money - she's risking the way she's going to be perceived forever more by all her closest family.

Oh, sorry if my theorising sounds a bit melodramatic - I write as someone with a (NC) sister who in the past (and who may still do for all I know) used to have exactly the same sort of nasty spiteful 'accidents' - denied it if called on it - great affrontery should anyone question her - though thankfully not to the tune of thousands. One family member used to find something broken or damaged every single time my sister had visited them .....

No, your mother must not fix this.

Your Dsis did this on purpose. She needs to pay the amount to replace the computer TODAY. She has it, she broke the thing, she needs to sort this out.

refuse your DM offer

good on your mum. hope she allows for inflation too. your sister's behaviour is vile. hope she does pay up.

I'm really sorry - and I know your mum means it kindly - but I can't help feeling her willingness to pay goes some way to explaining your sister's attitude. I believe you said earlier that she makes a habit of running away from problems (?) and if so, being bailed out by someone who's absolutely blameless is hardly going to help

I'm another who'd suggest either full replacement cost OR excess plus future insurance penalties ... her choice to make, but not yours to waive any of it or take someone else's money

I think it's fine your mother deducts it from her future inheritance as all you'd get if you went to small claims would be the excess (likely).

But I'd email your sister saying your mother was doing this and copying everyone who was there into it.

I think your sister did it deliberately and is jealous of you/angry with you - I would go no contact with her after this.