AIBU to think that if an adult breaks something they replace it?

[worridmum]

Sorry its long one with a tiny bit of a rant

AIBU to think that my "D"sis should replace my DH computer that she broke when warned not to do something. My sister thinks I am and says she will replace with vastly cheaper item that is not a a suitable replacement or we should suck up the £500 excuss on our home insurence and she thinks I am being tight in insisting she replaces like for like. since if we claim it will push our premiums up so in effect paying double for her grave laspe in judgement.

basically the story is we have just finished renivating our new house so decided to host a family get together to celibrate the hard work we had put in and to finally have resolution for a problem from work (in my prevous thread)

And so we hold the get together have some well desvered wine (children at camp et) and basically hold a mini tour of our house with the expection of my DH study as this is his primairly work space so has important documents and his custom built computer (needed partly for his job as a software engineer and partly his hobbies which had cost just under £3000) and everyone was told this room was offlimits. (its up a flight of stairs that leads onto its own floor and so doesnt have a door)

So my sister takes expection to not being shown this room goes up by herself with a large glass of wine about an hour after we had shown everyone around and somehow procceds to fall and not only manages to smash one of the monitors by landing on it she also manages to spill her wine down the back of the mainframe of the computer (which was turned on due to complining some software) which causes the computer to short circuit and basically ruined the entire computer (which was only bought a month ago)

Before I start the ranting section Dsis was completely fine

And so my DH and a couple of other people run upstairs to see what happened where then my sister says shes "darn goofed" and shes had a little accident and tries to down play everything as after we made sure she was fine DH was frantically trying to damage control the sistatuion etc

Which too my Dsis is very very funny and proceeds to laugh and joke about the entrie sistuation which just wond up DH even more and said quite loudly DH should take a chill pill as its only a computer. Which understandable was not taken well by DH whole sadly got really angry and shouted at my sister and ranted about how is it funny that a months long project has possibly gone up in smoke (computer was actully smoking at this point as he could not turn off internal power source in time) and that is has cost us alot of money and read her the riot act and asked her to leave the house.

(I am not excusing my DH but he was not abusive to her per say as in was not swearing / abusing her was just shouting, this is totally out of charater for him hes normally so calm and passive but he most likely shouldnt of reacted like that)

We leave it a couple of days to see just how much was damaged etc (thankfully back ups werent effected so only lost the compling time so project wasnt effect) but the computer, monitor and mainframe were total right offs.

And my sister contacts me to see how everything is and to apoligize to me about what happend and asked is there anything she can do to sort out the mess she made, which i replied she could replace what she damaged and apoligize to my DH. So she said fine I will replace the computer but I will not apoligize to DH as he was totally out of order etc and I comment that she still should apoligize as she was out of order etc and she hangs up.

So my DH sends a invoce for the computer parts (he can get the computer parts direct from manifactur etc so cheapest possible price ) which was £2600 which understandalbe is a quite a large number replys that she will buy a computer from PC world as she has seen one for £300 and that we should be greatful to even get that and I reply thats not a suitable replacement etc

(she has the money to replace it as she is in a well paid job and last week told me /boosted she had saved up £24,000 for her next years around the world holiday).

Sorry its really long but I thought I needed to include everything so not to accidently dripfeed later on

So AIBU for insisting she replaces the item she destoryed or I am being tight in expecting us not to be even further out of pocket for her totally avoidable mistake.

Ps sorry for spelling and grammer posting on a tablet (because the computer is out of action at the moment) without spell checker and I am dyslexic.

There's not a chance in hell that your sister fell accidentally-she destroyed the computer on purpose. Does she have a history of mental health problems? These are not normal actions/reactions.

I may have to shoot the next person who fails to read the complete thread

If you don't press charges OP and put a stop to it, I wonder what she will do next?

Agree with others, tell your mom sorry, but she should not be allowed to get away with it, so intend to press charges as stated.

Thank you everyone for your support and please dont be too harsh with people posting before reading the entire thread Its really my fault I should of really started a new thread but thought it would be easier to do it this way.

I am building up the courge to confront my mother with all your advice tonight after work when I go round to see her as I think this sort of converastion should be made in person than on the phone / email. Though I am being a bit of a coward and having me DtwinB and my husband their for moral support.

(MiL is kindly watching the children as I think this is really important and my in laws agree and are rightly furious with my sister and are being amazing supportive of both of us )

And to answer the questions of possible existing mental health problems in the past there is very little chance of that atleast as she used to confind everything to me but that sort of stopped when i had my 2nd child and since then she has been very distant so I dont know if she is currently suffering from any mental health issues.

I just dont know what happened to my sister she never used to be so bad, we only had the usual sibling rivialy issues but we were there for each other in our university days etc It just all sort of felt a part when her long time relseationship / fertility issues happend

Not cowardly at all worrid, eminently sensible. Plus, this situation involves them too.

It would actually be in your sisters best long-term interests for your mother to see that this 'no-consequences' lifestyle simply cannot continue. For as long as your mother supports your sister's appalling behaviour by minimising it all, your sister will continue/escalate. Is that really what she wants for her daughter? Life as a pariah? Your mother would be doing her a favour if she would help your sister to face up to real life.

I find myself wondering if your sister's marriage broke down because her husband couldn't take it any more, rather than anything else. By which I mean, her behaviour has/is costing her an awful lot.

This is a shocking thread to read, and really upsetting. From the early beginning (of course she should pay to replace the things she broke) to the horrific spiraling and awful drama.

I feel so sad and sorry for you, Worrid for your poor mum for your poor bro and SIL having their special wedding day ruined [flower] and I actually feel quite sorry for your sister, although her behaviour has been inexcusable. She's made despicable choices, and blamed others/failed to take responsibility for those choices.

It's all awful,and in less than 8 weeks your family is in tatters.

The reason I NC'd is just to flag up... I think this family breakdown is quite common after a parent dies. It happened in my family and has been awful and very ugly and horrid for everyone. And it's not easy going NC within a family (it's easy day-to-day - you just stop texting/emailing/fb'ing etc) but there are always family gatherings. And everyone gets sucked in... it's awful.

I'm so sorry, Worrid, and hope your DH recovers quickly. My thoughts are with you.
[hub]

YANBU. Your sister is responsible and you should not have to claim on your insurance.

Oh heck I'm so sorry, I didn't read the whole thread before I posted.
Worridmum, you sound perfectly lovely and reasonable and I think you are correct to stand by your husband.
I hope your sister gets the help she appears to need and that you can be happy again soon.

Been following this from the beginning. What a shocking update!

I'm glad that you are going to talk to your mum. It's not cowardly to take your DH and DtwinB at all. It will show you mean what you say and that others agree with you.

Plus everything WhereYouLeftIt said! All the best with the talk.

Horrible for you, OP.

Though I am also thinking the computer incident was no accident.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Just read through the thread and from what I can see your sister doesn't like you, your DH or your brothers very much. She wrecks ones wedding, breaks your computer (purposefully going into the room when told not too, getting near a computer with wine and saying you both 'deserve' to know hard times...yeah purposeful!) and then attacks your DH.

Your mum needs to stop enabling her, she needs to resolve the fact that she's been a bad parent by putting one child above the welfare and emotions of all the others. She doesn't want to accept that fact which is why she's pushing you. Talk to her but don't expect anything but her guilting. Until she accepts her part in it all and how bad your sister really is...nothing will change. NC is the way forward for sister and your mum is lucky if she doesn't end up getting it too at least from your DH- If my OHs mum was trying to pressure my OH and me into accepting a near blindness....she'd be out on her ear.

Good luck with your mum

As others have said I think it's a good idea for your DH and DTB to be there.

There is little doubt that your Sister is in a very bad place right now, however supporting her does not have to mean (in fact would be harmful to mean) enabling and excusing her behaviour.

She has to learn - as does your mother- that she has to work through the undoubted grief and pain over the loss of her relationship and fertility issues and stop projecting that (quite natural) anger and pain at her family and resentment towards you and your DH in particular.

Until she can do so, it's impossible for you or your siblings to maintain (or rather rebuild) a relationship with her - she's quite simply too volatile.

Just a quick update the chat tonight went better then I thought there was no massive guilt trip that I was expecting and me and my brother explained the situation and while see was visable upset she understands our sister behaviour is not on and will not put pressure on anymore as DB explained how the legal system works as well so DH cannot stop the proscution if the CPS take it futher (which they are its an open and shut case of GBH I think that is what shes being charged with rather than assult ).

And so I think its best i can hope for with my mother now respected our wishes and understanding now that she cannot contine to enable her behaviour (hopefully she means it )

if my sister does get charged with GBH is that offesive likely to have a custordaly sentence rather than a community senctence ? because that was the main arguement my mother was saying that we were going to send our sister to prison

Gosh it does sound like your sisters bitterness and mental state is spiraling out of control at the moment. I would continue to press charges though, not out of revenge but because there has to come a low point for your sister to see that her behaviour has crossed a line.

What were the injuries OP? Stitches required? How big were the cuts etc.?

my husband need 32 sitches covering his face, neck and shoulder I cannot remeber the exact size of the cuts but they were pretty big the doctors assured my husband the would be minium scarring (hopefully they cannot garentee it but fingers crossed the injuries look sooo much better then 2 weeks ago)

Wow, 32 is a lot - I am so sorry OP. The only reason for me asking is that sometimes GBH is charged but later reduced to ABH. Hard to say over the internet. If she has not been in trouble before, she may get a suspended prison sentence. If you Google 'judicial studies board sentencing guidelines', the guidelines for assault etc. can be found. They are guidelines though and not set in stone. A prison sentence of 2yrs or less can be suspended.

I'm glad it went ok with your mum OP.

It's really now all down to your sister.

Given her resentment towards your family ALL you can do is step out of the line of fire.

Hopefully your mum will help her to see she needs to get some help to work through her problems (and going to the U.S. to work with kids is the last thing she should be doing in her current state).

If and when she does so, on the basis she will feel immense shame and remorse for her behaviour and apologise unreservedly you can then consider IF you want to try rebuilding the relationship over time.

If she goes to prison (and she probably won't) it will not be you sending her. Your mother needs to get that out of her head. It will be your sister being punished for her actions. Your sister did this. You are not there to protect her from the consequences of her choices.

She's sent herself to prison, not you. The justice system are just putting her where she needs to go. After her own actions.

If she goes, of course.

Hey,

Boot was on the other foot here, so have sympathy with you both. I stupidly (God knows why!) went out and left the tap on and plug in causing massive damage to our kitchen floor. As we're a top floor flat it made the flat structurally unsafe (I know right?) and my landlords sent me a bill for fixing it.

I apologised profusely (I'd already apoloigsed after the 'incident'), offered instead to pay their excess and raise in premiums, and they declined, saying they wanted the full amount - an amount I simply did not have. The whole thing was horrendously stressful for all of us

But I do think it's off that your sister thought it was funny that she had caused this damage - what is with that? Most people would be grovelling like I was.

God, sorry, didn't read it all. Hope you're OK as can be in the circs xx

32 stitches? Bloody hell!!!! You don't need me to tell you that this a SHITLOAD of stitches! Mostly these days they avoid stitching, in favour of glue and strips, they only tend to stitch when it's serious! My god his face must have been a mess at the time, the blood etc, the shock and horror of it all must be seared into your memories. And at a wedding too :(

There is no way the cps will drop this, not 32 stitches.

This woman chose to assault your h, like she chose to destroy your computer, she admitted that, and she can't wriggle out of any of it, your mum needs to wake up and see that she needs to step up and make her voice hear telling this woman she's crossed a line and it needs stopping. I hope your sister is prosecuted and convicted, perhaps then she'd see sense, realise she's wrong and seek help to change.

YABU. I totally agree with house of nerds. that is what insurance is for. if you insist she forfeits her round the whole trip to replace the computer (which is insured) your relationship will be ruined. she should pay the excess and could pay towards the increased rate. you seem jealous of her having more money than you. being honest with yourself, should your husband apologise for what he shouted at her?