Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how I should tell my manager about this?

158 replies

IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 20:17

I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a lot about where I work before and I think this might out me.

There is a man at work who I don't really like much. There's never been any particular reason why, but maybe it's because he is quite loud and brash whereas I'm more reserved. He also has a habit of being very touchy feely but I always put that down to him not being English. He is well liked by everyone else and all the managers love him too.

Yesterday we were both at work and about halfway through my shift he walked up to me from behind and started groping my arse. I told him to stop it which he did.

About half an hour later he again approached me from behind and started groping me again and just like before I told him to stop it. He then sniggered and asked me why I didn't like it and if I'd not ever had boyfriends before. I then stupidly told him, that yes I had, to which he then asked if I'd not had sex with my boyfriends before because if I had this shouldn't bother me Shock.

I decided that I would try to avoid him for the rest of my shift as he was creeping me out. He obviously had other plans as later on he followed me somewhere else and again he grabbed my arse only this time he then moved his hand away from there and onto my crotch and he proceeded to grope that Shock.

This is going to sound stupid but I was in shock and didn't do anything. He's never done anything like that before.

I tried to stick with my other colleagues as best as I could but there were times when I couldn't avoid being away from them and any time this happened he would again follow me and feel my arse and crotch and at one point tried to kiss me.

At the end of my shift I made a point of hanging back for a bit to make sure he had left too so he couldn't follow me home. Sounds paranoid but he had been asking me questions all day about where I lived. He also kept asking me to come to the back room with him because he wanted to show me something. Obviously I didn't go with him but it was kind of creepy how insistent he was being.

It sounds silly but now I don't want to go back to work. Luckily I've got four days off anyway but I'm dreading going back.

I don't know if I should mention anything to my manager as like I said the manager does really like him as does everyone else. Also everyone knows I don't like him so I'm worried in case people will think I'm making it up just to cause trouble.

And I have no idea how to phrase something like that...how would you phrase something like that? I'm scared that I might just start crying Blush.

OP posts:
stilllearnin · 10/04/2015 08:00

Hi I am posting quickly. This happened to me. I too was worried about colleagues. Honestly people thanked me for coming forward (those that knew vaguely what it was about). But I felt all the things you describe. I got some counselling through our employee assistance package later.

I am really posting to first say well done. You have done the hardest bit now. Secondly remember that the police investigation is not the same as a work disciplinary. I also had no witnesses. As far as i know, Your employer does not have to prove what happened like a court (ie beyond all reasonable doubt). They can take all sorts of action if they think it is more likely than not that he did this. (although they will let the police investigate before reaching a decision, I think) I had help from my union. He was sacked and I am still there!

But mainly I am posting to say well done and offer support. You have done a difficult thing here. You are almost certainly stronger than you think.

Icimoi · 10/04/2015 08:03

OP, did he carry on doing this after the first day, or have you not been back to work?

Libitina · 10/04/2015 08:06

Well done for reporting him to the police OP.

LindyHemming · 10/04/2015 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everybodysang · 10/04/2015 08:30

oh well done for reporting it, I just came across this thread and was reading with my heart in my mouth. Please don't feel bad, you've done the right thing and he is the one in the wrong - so much in the wrong.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 10/04/2015 08:40

Op, are you in a union? If so call them, they will support you, come to meetings with you at work and explain everything that is happening. They can also advocate on your behalf if you want them to.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/04/2015 08:52

OP please ignore any posts trying to get a bit of victim blaming in. Not in the slightest bit supportive or kind.

It is not your 'duty' to take responsibility for this mans actions and potential future behaviour. Having been assaulted and being traumatized and worried about what to do now, it's pretty damn insensitive to try and guilt trip you or hold you responsible for future proofing the world against the actions of this man. Implying you'd feel bad and guilty if he did it again! Especially when you've already reported him.

No need for that at all. I hope it didn't upset you too much.

Why must a woman going through a personal trauma be dumped on as custodian of the whole of this mans future actions?!

Sorry that's made me quite cross.

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 09:03

It was not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. You froze as a way of protecting yourself. Ime you do need to see this through as a way of getting through it otherwise it could haunt you. You have done nothing wrong. If anyone treats you differently THEY ARE THE ONES IN THE WRONG.

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 09:04

Out of order, Euphemia.

LindyHemming · 10/04/2015 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cailindana · 10/04/2015 09:14

I agree with Just. What a nasty thing to say Euphemia.

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 09:14

Is it not obvious? Re read your post. You are saying it would be the OPs fault if he assaulted anyone else.

LindyHemming · 10/04/2015 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aridane · 10/04/2015 09:26

OP - well done!

Euphemia - I agree with you. OP did the right thing not just for herself but for others.

Unlucky - I am staggered that the breast toucher in your husband's office kept his job, notwithstanding your explanation.

Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 10:04

But other people aren't the OPs responsibility and by saying anything about it you are putting responsibility on her whether you want to or not. A victim has enough to deal with without extra pressure.

unlucky83 · 10/04/2015 11:04

Exactly Just - I will emphasis again - in our case we did exactly what the victim wanted.
It is not anyone's place to force someone in this kind of situation into something that they don't want for the 'greater good' ...add to their upset. SHE didn't want him to lose his job.
I did the best I could to determine that was the case - whether she would actually have been relieved if we had sacked him - made it not her decision, her responsibility but ours. She had some time to reflect/talk to her family/friends. If we had done anything else it would have been against her wishes. And I think that would have been wrong.
(Admittedly with different personalities I may well have found her decision much more difficult to accept...but I would still have accepted it.)

DilapidatedGlamourpuss · 10/04/2015 13:53

Thinking of you OP, hope you are doing ok today. You have done a very brave thing Star

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 10/04/2015 14:30

OP I am so so sorry and angry someone felt they could do this to you. You did NOT do anything to deserve this. Unless you had specifically consented, explicitly, to him touching you this is ASSAULT. You've been given loads of great advice, I have a couple of small things to add.

When i had to go to a police station to be interviewed (I'd been held at knife point) the police officers were very friendly and made it very clear that they took me seriously, and that they understood that freezing is a natural reaction to fear and shock.

Second, if you're worried about crying during any meetings, (I sympathise, I'm a crier!) then I suggest writing a list of bullet points of all you want to say. Even if you're crying/feeling teary, you can focus on your list, and get the words out because you've already got them down.

I'm so angry on your behalf, I really hope this creep gets what's coming.

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 10/04/2015 20:50

Just a quick update. I don't really want to say much but my manager is supportive of me (I was actually surprised at just how supportive she was). She even offered me some time off but I told her I wanted to carry on as normal as possible. She has told me to work tomorrow and see how I feel and if I decide that I do want some time off after that then I can.

I don't really want to say what's happening with him but we will be working separate shifts until further notice.

OP posts:
Justusemyname · 10/04/2015 20:51

Great news. Take the support and look after yourself.

londonrach · 10/04/2015 20:53

Great op. Glad work is supporting you and hes working different shifts to you. Xx

hobNong · 10/04/2015 21:11

That's great op. I'm really pleased she's being supportive. Smile

Fishandjam · 10/04/2015 21:13

Well done OP! That was a brave thing to do.

I seem to recall that Dave Lee Twatface was convicted of sexual assault and given a 3 month suspended sentence for groping a researcher's breasts, so the law definitely does take this seriously.

Gardav · 10/04/2015 21:17

You may be worried about people not believing you but if you are brave and report it you may trigger others to come forward.

BeaufortBelle · 10/04/2015 21:17

So relieved for you. Just had to wipe away a tear. I wish you very well and am sorry you have had such a shit week but hope that you will find that in spite of it humankind is supportive and wants the best for you.

I hope you have a good weekend and have some lighter and happier stuff to look forward too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread