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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how I should tell my manager about this?

158 replies

IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 20:17

I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a lot about where I work before and I think this might out me.

There is a man at work who I don't really like much. There's never been any particular reason why, but maybe it's because he is quite loud and brash whereas I'm more reserved. He also has a habit of being very touchy feely but I always put that down to him not being English. He is well liked by everyone else and all the managers love him too.

Yesterday we were both at work and about halfway through my shift he walked up to me from behind and started groping my arse. I told him to stop it which he did.

About half an hour later he again approached me from behind and started groping me again and just like before I told him to stop it. He then sniggered and asked me why I didn't like it and if I'd not ever had boyfriends before. I then stupidly told him, that yes I had, to which he then asked if I'd not had sex with my boyfriends before because if I had this shouldn't bother me Shock.

I decided that I would try to avoid him for the rest of my shift as he was creeping me out. He obviously had other plans as later on he followed me somewhere else and again he grabbed my arse only this time he then moved his hand away from there and onto my crotch and he proceeded to grope that Shock.

This is going to sound stupid but I was in shock and didn't do anything. He's never done anything like that before.

I tried to stick with my other colleagues as best as I could but there were times when I couldn't avoid being away from them and any time this happened he would again follow me and feel my arse and crotch and at one point tried to kiss me.

At the end of my shift I made a point of hanging back for a bit to make sure he had left too so he couldn't follow me home. Sounds paranoid but he had been asking me questions all day about where I lived. He also kept asking me to come to the back room with him because he wanted to show me something. Obviously I didn't go with him but it was kind of creepy how insistent he was being.

It sounds silly but now I don't want to go back to work. Luckily I've got four days off anyway but I'm dreading going back.

I don't know if I should mention anything to my manager as like I said the manager does really like him as does everyone else. Also everyone knows I don't like him so I'm worried in case people will think I'm making it up just to cause trouble.

And I have no idea how to phrase something like that...how would you phrase something like that? I'm scared that I might just start crying Blush.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 08/04/2015 14:01

What's worrying you OP? The website will just be a snapshot of things to report- just because it isn't mentioned on there, doesn't mean they won't take it seriously.

Have you contacted work yet? Could you see a doctor and get it on record that way?

I hope you are ok.

BasinHaircut · 08/04/2015 14:19

OP you can and should report ANY crime.

When this happened to me I didn't plan to report it either, but the police became involved because I had to give a statement about another crime and this came up as I was recalling what happened that evening. It was the police who thought it was serious enough to warrant taking forward, not me.

Is there anyone you can take with you for support?

Sallyingforth · 08/04/2015 14:34

OP I am so sorry to hear about this assault. The man needs to be stopped and I hope that you can report it to management and police.
Is there another female staff member you can confide in and ask to come with you?

It is quite possible that you are not alone and that he has done the same thing to other women there. If he is allowed to get away with what he has done to you he will certainly feel able to do it to others.

Please report it so that you and the other staff can be made safe.

confusedandemployed · 08/04/2015 14:42

unlucky that's partly true. Disciplinary hearings don't require the same level of proof as a criminal court though and sexual assault is nothing if not gross misconduct. It wouldn't surprise me at all if other women have had similar experiences or are at the very least creeped out by him.
OP tell your manager. And, if you're so incline, tell the police. It matters not a jot what the website says about the varying degrees of sexual assault: they will want to know
Flowers

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 14:44

I would go to the Police station. You can tell someone in private or if you prefer, write it down and hand it to the police officer.

SenecaFalls · 08/04/2015 14:49

OP, I am in the US so am not sure how these things work in the UK (assuming that's where you are) and maybe others can clarify, but is there a sexual assault agency or hotline (it might be called a rape crisis center) that you could contact? They may be able to help, especially with giving you emotional support.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2015 15:25

unlucky - I'm well aware of the disciplinary procedure of most companies especially towards sexual assault (which in your case definitely was).

I think a lot of men/women are extremely naive if they think touching - especially chest area is 'flirting'.

Your colleague probably didn't think she'd be believed, would herself be in trouble etc, her job at risk... I just hope her attacker (as he really is worthy of that title) won't do it again and hasn't done it before...

The trouble is - as in my case men especially do this, no one reports them and then they're untouchable.

I was advised (about 20 years ago now) that as sexual harassment cases were big in the media then (probably the same now) then I would probably suffer myself emotionally and maybe career wise.

My next role which was a 1 year contract I physically jumped and shuddered whenever a man was too near my personal space, when a man flirted with me alone at the same workplace I almost had a panic attack.

If I ever google or see info about my attacker (who is well known in the medical world) I am disgusted and almost wish I had taken it all the way.

OP - I wouldn't worry at all about reporting it. And don't let anyone try to minimise your experience.

LotusLight · 08/04/2015 15:29

Have a quite work with your manager. Next time this man comes near you get your phone out and put it on record and say loudly if you come one step closer and grope me again I'm going to put it all over youtube or kick him hard between the legs. These men need to be told very clearly that it is not on.

OvertiredandConfused · 08/04/2015 15:49

OP, I sense that you WANT to report this to the police but are not sure HOW to do it. Nerves about the phone, not sure if you can just walk in etc. Am I right?

If so, there is usually an option to email an area team. I have helped someone do this in the past. If you PM me the name of your local police station, I'll find the right email address for you to use, if that would help.

ptumbi · 08/04/2015 16:50

Thing is, though, that he has already escalated it. He is probably thinking, that because you haven't reported him, or even shouted at him to fuck off and leave you alone (because you were frozen) - then you don't really mind!! You might even 'like it'! Angry After all, in his eyes, you haven't told him 'no'....

Then, as you say he is from another culture, he may even be of the opinion that women are there for his pleasure. That they will (and should) put up with being touched and groped and even raped, if he feels like it, because that is what women are for.

Not trying to scare you OP, but if he is not told, via bosses, via police, OR via a fucking spell in prison, that women are not his playthings, then he will carry on, and not jsut with you either. Other women, all over his workplace, home area, social sphere will be at risk.

ChasedByBees · 08/04/2015 16:57

Call 101 or go to your police station. This was not OK and honestly you are not wasting their time.

Libitina · 08/04/2015 19:27

OP, I am so sorry that this man assaulted you. I hope you have found the strength to report him to the police and your employer. What he did was wrong and he cannot be allowed to get away with you. Your freezing is not condoning or allowing him to touch you, it is a coping mechanism.

Libitina · 08/04/2015 19:28

he cannot be allowed to get away with touching you

unlucky83 · 08/04/2015 19:29

Super I was 'the boss'. She knew there was no way she would lose her job, she wouldn't be in trouble, she was believed - her reasons were a lot more complicated than that ... we would have done (within the law) what she wanted us to do. I would have gone to the police with her. We could have got rid of him without anyone knowing why. (And we did get legal advice etc) And I don't think her attacker would do anything similar again ... he knew he got off relatively lightly...he was stupid/naive - if you knew them you would see how it was believable that there was a genuine misunderstanding.
But the OP's case is different...even if she can't face the police she should report to HR -she needs to know she will be believed and they have to take it very seriously and can help. This guy sounds like he is capable of similar assaults on other females - probably has already and needs to be stopped.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2015 19:39

unlucky thanks for explaining. I just hope it did scare the man involved in your situation.

I know that in a previous company (architects) a man was spoken to for speaking to one of the other architects about how sexy her wet hair looked, out of the shower etc… a throwaway comment to some but this woman (a Muslim but not practising apart from festivals etc) took offence and reported it.

I agree with you this man is capable of other similar assaults and probably thinks he is 'untouchable' and 'well liked' and yes maybe in his culture it's considered 'acceptable' - but it's not acceptable in any culture.

There may well be the assumption by this attacker (could be his first attack) that 'it's ok, she won't mind, say/do anything'.

So OP it is imperative you speak to someone about this, police etc. You would probably do well to get some counselling as well. I never did until years later. The worst thing for me was crossing of boundaries, lack of trust in men and wondering who/when would do it again.

In my case they 'got rid of me' to avoid disciplining my culprit who was my boss and a director. I'd been there 4 months, was a PA and was expendable in their eyes. They actually I think mentioned my probation period not being passed or said I'd been spoken to about something, I can't remember.

BeyondDoesBootcamp · 08/04/2015 19:55

I know someone who did similar at their workplace - they were suspended for 18 months while waiting for the complaint to come to trial, and then sacked outright after the court case.

You will be taken seriously, im sure the focus on rape on their website is just down to the massive under-reporting of it, trying to encourage people to report and not at all a dig at any other victims.

Flowers
cookiefiend · 08/04/2015 21:01

The police will treat this seriously- they treat all sexual assaults seriously. You can walk into a station and report it, but you may wait a while and they can (ridiculously) sometimes get you to give the report at the desk which is a bit much. call 101 say you want to report. Sexual assault, but that you feel very nervous about doing so. They will send officers to you to take statement- so you will give the full report face to face.

You are not wasting there time and they will not think you are making it up. You need to deal with this as he sounds like the kind of creep who will assume he can get away with more if you don't nip it in the bud. I am sorry that this has happened to you. It sounds awful. Do you have support in RL?

BeaufortBelle · 08/04/2015 21:18

OP your initial post is very articulate and clear - don't underestimate yourself. I honestly think that all you need to do is to add some times, exact locations and this man's name and print it off. Put it in an envelope and ask to see one of the HR people. (I don't know why but I'm imagining you might work in a hospital). Just hand over the envelope and ask for the contents to be read. Note that you are making a formal complaint and would like a copy of the grievance procedure.

You have been assaulted and harassed. This is potential gross misconduct. There should be a thorough investigation and you are entitled to a hearing to hear the outcome of that investigation. The outcome should be dismissal providing the balance of probability is that this toad did what you have alleged in which case there doesn't have to be proof. Meanwhile he really should be suspended to ensure the investigation is impartial and that your safety is ensured.

HR should tell you that you are entitled to report this to the police and they should offer you support through a counselling programme. This should all be in confidence although the investigation may have to reveal what has happened in case there are witnesses or it has happened before to somebody else.

You could also call ACAS and I think it would be understandable if you called in sick due to work related stress for a few days and decide if you need to see your GP to be signed off if you feel unable to attend work for longer.

I am so so sorry for what has happened and hope you work somewhere professional enough to fully support you and deal with this properly.

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 09/04/2015 10:34

OK, um, so nearly two days after this thread was started I have finally managed to type the whole thing up and I just need to print it out.

I will be heading down to the police station as soon as I've done that. Will they think it's weird that I've waited so long?

OP posts:
Bowerby · 09/04/2015 10:48

Iam - please don't worry about the police. They will care, believe and listen to you. This sounds like a sustained period of harassment and I completely agree with everyone else who said that had you gone with him into another area alone things would have got more serious.........

I was sexually assaulted by my friend's husband last year. In fact it was 3 times over a period of months but I'd blocked out a lot. I went to the police 2-3 days after the last thing. I wasn't planning on going at all but the massive support of MN help to persuade me it was the right thing. The police took it very, very seriously.

Two things to bear in mind:

  • you are probably not the first person he has assaulted. He sounds confident.
  • He will go on to do worse.
The police will know both of these things and how to handle the situation. You really don't need to worry.

Good luck.

Countingchickens · 09/04/2015 10:53

Hello OP, I don't normally post but felt I should. The police will not judge you for not coming forward sooner. What's happened to you is serious and they will investigate it. I went to the doctor recently as I signed myself off work and whilst I knew what I was going to say and rehearsed it over and over before going in I fell apart. The police will see how upset you are and they will act.

Like the PPs you should report this because he may do this again and go further. You'll probably find that your colleagues may have similar situations.

Don't judge yourself because nobody is judging you. Sending you best wishes x

Box5883284322679964228 · 09/04/2015 11:07

Well done. It means everything will be recorded correctly by police.

After you've seem the police, email the same list to HR and include the police incident number.

ptumbi · 09/04/2015 11:23

notaToy - 2 days is nothing! Most assualts, especially sexual ones, get reported many, many days after. It's the shock - the Police will not think it strange AT ALL!

Bowerby - Actually I was trying to think of your thread whilst posting earlier; I remember the guilt you felt (at your friends DH assaulting you!) and the relief you felt after you'd reported it. thank you for coming on here - I'm sure it helps OP to know what best to do.

Foffyouwanker · 09/04/2015 11:37

Good luck op. glad you are off to report :)

hedgehogsdontbite · 09/04/2015 12:36

2 days is nothing OP, some people need years to get to a place where they feel able to report a sexual assault. You're doing the right thing.

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