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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how I should tell my manager about this?

158 replies

IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 20:17

I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a lot about where I work before and I think this might out me.

There is a man at work who I don't really like much. There's never been any particular reason why, but maybe it's because he is quite loud and brash whereas I'm more reserved. He also has a habit of being very touchy feely but I always put that down to him not being English. He is well liked by everyone else and all the managers love him too.

Yesterday we were both at work and about halfway through my shift he walked up to me from behind and started groping my arse. I told him to stop it which he did.

About half an hour later he again approached me from behind and started groping me again and just like before I told him to stop it. He then sniggered and asked me why I didn't like it and if I'd not ever had boyfriends before. I then stupidly told him, that yes I had, to which he then asked if I'd not had sex with my boyfriends before because if I had this shouldn't bother me Shock.

I decided that I would try to avoid him for the rest of my shift as he was creeping me out. He obviously had other plans as later on he followed me somewhere else and again he grabbed my arse only this time he then moved his hand away from there and onto my crotch and he proceeded to grope that Shock.

This is going to sound stupid but I was in shock and didn't do anything. He's never done anything like that before.

I tried to stick with my other colleagues as best as I could but there were times when I couldn't avoid being away from them and any time this happened he would again follow me and feel my arse and crotch and at one point tried to kiss me.

At the end of my shift I made a point of hanging back for a bit to make sure he had left too so he couldn't follow me home. Sounds paranoid but he had been asking me questions all day about where I lived. He also kept asking me to come to the back room with him because he wanted to show me something. Obviously I didn't go with him but it was kind of creepy how insistent he was being.

It sounds silly but now I don't want to go back to work. Luckily I've got four days off anyway but I'm dreading going back.

I don't know if I should mention anything to my manager as like I said the manager does really like him as does everyone else. Also everyone knows I don't like him so I'm worried in case people will think I'm making it up just to cause trouble.

And I have no idea how to phrase something like that...how would you phrase something like that? I'm scared that I might just start crying Blush.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 07/04/2015 21:13

I manage staff. If I were your manager OP, I would listen to you, BELIEVE you and ask you what you wanted to happen. I would seek assistance from our HR department and I would expect that the man would be suspended pending investigation. I would also expect the police to be involved. Please talk to your manager. Nobody should have to put up with what you have.

monkeysaymoo · 07/04/2015 21:14

You poor thing please, please do report him. I agree about writing down like you have in your OP as a first step to telling someone what happened.

bette06 · 07/04/2015 21:14

I think if you are willing to report it as a crime, they will need to get a statement from you. I think the person answering the call will just take a few details and then arrange for you to speak to a police officer. A few years ago I reported a (less serious/sensitive) crime to the police and they arranged for an officer to visit me at home at a time that was convenient and take a statement. It may vary from area to area and they may deal with sexual assaults differently. I'd suggest deciding in advance if there's anything in particular you want to request (e.g. if you need to give a statement, would you prefer to speak to a female officer, would you prefer to go to the police station if there would be other people at home etc).

unlucky83 · 07/04/2015 21:33

We had a member of staff who did this to another member of staff - not quite as extreme as what you describe -touched her chest and 'only' twice but still really not on.
On the second occasion DP (her immediate boss) realised she was unhappy and asked her what the matter was and she told him (and did cry etc -no-one thought any less about her for that). I was called in to speak to her asap -as another woman - to establish exactly what had happened, how long it had been happening for and what she wanted to do - report to the police etc. I offered to go with her. There was no question of us not backing her up.
She decided not to go to the police ...for various reasons. We then asked her what she wanted us to do - if she was still prepared to work with the male member of staff etc. She was under certain conditions. We gave her my personal number so she could contact me at any time. We then had a disciplinary hearing and gave the male member of staff a written warning. We also put them on opposite shifts for a while until she was happy. No one else knew what had happened (more to save her any discomfort than him). It was awkward at first, but after a few months it was ok.
(He was deeply ashamed and embarrassed, he thought they were flirting etc etc but still ...Angry)

unlucky83 · 07/04/2015 21:39

I should also have said that at the time she was our only female member of staff.
Employment law and confidentiality is tricky. I don't know if we could have warned/questioned others about his behaviour towards them. We would have had to seek more legal advice about that. Maybe a non specific notice to all staff about sexually harassment and the reporting procedure...

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 22:28

I still haven't phoned. I just feel so tired right now I don't feel like I can get all the words out.

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 07/04/2015 22:41

I would really recommend the doctor. That way it's been made official so that if or when you feel ready to deal with it within work or with the police, there is an official record of it fairly soon after it happened.

cleanmyhouse · 07/04/2015 22:44

At least that was the advice from my guidance tutor. He told me to go to the police straight away, but i just didn't feel up to it.

NameChange30 · 07/04/2015 22:50

Hugs OP. I'm not surprised you're feeling tired after what you've been through. It must have been a shock and very upsetting.

Do you have someone in real life you can talk to about what happened? A close friend or sister maybe? It sounds like you need someone to give you a hug and a bit of moral support.

Be kind to yourself, try and get some sleep, and see if you can go to the doctor or phone 101 in the morning. If you need to take some time don't beat yourself up about it, but also remember that reporting it might help you to feel better and more in control about what happens next.

unlucky83 · 07/04/2015 23:05

Iam I suggest try and get some sleep and then deal with it tomorrow...
Being upset and worried takes it out of you. Flowers
I do suggest talking to someone in real life too now, get some support.

In our case the staff member couldn't face talking to her family/friends about it at first - she found it easier to talk to me (and she didn't know me very well) purely because she didn't know if she was overreacting etc and she didn't know if she would be taken seriously.
But you now have the impartial answer on this thread - you aren't overreacting and I am pretty certain you will be taken seriously. We would have done anyway but believe me legally your employer HAS to take it seriously.
Good Luck.

cleanmyhouse · 08/04/2015 09:50

Just wondering how you are today OP?

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 08/04/2015 12:51

If I report him what will happen at work? Will he still be there and will everyone know? Will I be treated any differently?

OP posts:
Zampa · 08/04/2015 12:54

You should certainly not be treated any differently and if you find that you are, it's possible that your employer is breaking the law.

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 08/04/2015 12:56

Also I'm hopeless on the phone. I can get my point across much better face to face. Can I just go down to the police station and tell them there?

I can't stop thinking about this which is weird as I've been through worse.

OP posts:
Jenda · 08/04/2015 12:59

yes you could go to the station and ask to speak to someone face to face.

is there cc tv at your work?

sorry this has happened to you Thanks

uglyswan · 08/04/2015 13:11

OP, are you in a union? If so, I would definitely contact your union rep and ask for their support. If not, please call acas for advice: www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=2042 Is there a co-worker you could confide in? Remember, you have done nothing wrong - he has - and you have nothing to fear. Bullying, harassment and sexual assault can only continue within a culture of fear, silence and victim blaming. You have the power to stop this. Your employer is required by law to protect you from sexual harassment.

ptumbi · 08/04/2015 13:12

Iamnotatoy - I'm glad you are realising that this was not jsut a bit of fun, a bit of banter, something that women should expect at work. It was a sexual assault, and that is a crime. Sorting out crime is what police do. Glad you are reporting it.

foreverton - you should to. I hope you find the strength to do the right thing - for all women.

Justusemyname · 08/04/2015 13:17

You must report this. You have been assaulted. He needs stopping. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Getting over it will be helped by reporting him to the police. I wouldn't tell anyone at work. It is too big to go to them. Police all the way.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2015 13:20

I wouldn't normally recommend this but submit your complaint immediately to your line manager, copying in hr, advising them you will also be contacting the police and then go to the dr to get signed off to give you some breathing space.

I would do exactly as shenanigans says.

Years ago I was groped in work by the boss but had been there 3-4 months, an arse groping and then bare arms. when I complained I was told 'Pete likes to cuddle the girls'.

As I was quite young (21) my mother's solicitor at the time advised me not to take it further but to write a letter claiming notice pay of 1 month, sick pay etc... I also visited another director who offered me a job (in a hospital as that was part of where they worked) and I think they were secretly petrified (I visited the other director with a friend) that they were going to say I'd go to police, take it further or ask for more money (I didn't). we got the feeling from the director that 'Pete' had done it before. I also had no witnesses.

now I would certainly go to the police. these men shouldn't be allowed to get away with this.

BasinHaircut · 08/04/2015 13:20

IAmNotAToy im sorry this has happened to you.

This is very serious, you need to report it to the police. Similar happened to me (but not at work) and the man who did this went to prison for it so please don't think you are being silly for being upset about it or that it will reflect negatively on you at work.

You need to come forward, he might have done this before, or be doing it to others at your workplace too. He needs to be stopped.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/04/2015 13:22

Unlucky I can't believe the colleague in your DP's case got a disciplinary and written warning surely sexual harassment touching etc is gross misconduct and deserves the sack!

this makes me so so angry. Angry

uglyswan · 08/04/2015 13:23

I've just re-read your OP, and I agree with PP: this is full-blown sexual assault and I would go straight to the police. Can you write it down (basically just copying your opening post and adding names, times, date etc)? You can read that to the police or even just hand it over. Don't worry about crying or whatever - this is a completely normal reaction and the police will be used to coping with it.

loveareadingthanks · 08/04/2015 13:47

This was an appalling sexual assault and I feel that had you gone into the other room with him, he would have escalated this to at least a serious sexual assault. I completely understand how you froze and tried to avoid him on the day - no-one goes into work mentally prepared to deal with this at the time.

You can go to the police station and talk to them face to face. It's fine if you are still upset/scared, still do it. It might be worth putting your clothes in a bag and taking them along in case they have picked up any DNA (hairs etc) in areas you mention.

I really think it's worth involving the police. They will take this seriously. If it's just reported to managers then he might bluff his way out and deny everything. He might not feel so brave in front of a police officer and even if he tries to deny it, they are good at getting things out of people. All he has to do is try to excuse it as flirting, or accidental touching, and they've got him.

Ask the police when you should report it to work, straight away, or if they want to interview him first.

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 08/04/2015 13:50

You see, I'm kind of worried. On my local police website all the info seems to be mostly aimed at reporting rape. Doesn't actually say much about reporting sexual assault.

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 08/04/2015 14:01

super It actually isn't that easy to 'sack' someone full stop ...they have to be given a disciplinary hearing -even caught red handed stealing etc - the chance to give their side of the story.
Otherwise, especially with little supporting evidence, it would be easy to get rid of a colleague because of a grudge...personal dislike etc.
I said in this case it was all about what the person who had been assaulted wanted. I can't go into her reasons (too potentially identifying) but they were well thought out and made sense.
She didn't want him sacked, just didn't want it to happen again. And it didn't and after a while things went back to 'normal'.