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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how I should tell my manager about this?

158 replies

IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 20:17

I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a lot about where I work before and I think this might out me.

There is a man at work who I don't really like much. There's never been any particular reason why, but maybe it's because he is quite loud and brash whereas I'm more reserved. He also has a habit of being very touchy feely but I always put that down to him not being English. He is well liked by everyone else and all the managers love him too.

Yesterday we were both at work and about halfway through my shift he walked up to me from behind and started groping my arse. I told him to stop it which he did.

About half an hour later he again approached me from behind and started groping me again and just like before I told him to stop it. He then sniggered and asked me why I didn't like it and if I'd not ever had boyfriends before. I then stupidly told him, that yes I had, to which he then asked if I'd not had sex with my boyfriends before because if I had this shouldn't bother me Shock.

I decided that I would try to avoid him for the rest of my shift as he was creeping me out. He obviously had other plans as later on he followed me somewhere else and again he grabbed my arse only this time he then moved his hand away from there and onto my crotch and he proceeded to grope that Shock.

This is going to sound stupid but I was in shock and didn't do anything. He's never done anything like that before.

I tried to stick with my other colleagues as best as I could but there were times when I couldn't avoid being away from them and any time this happened he would again follow me and feel my arse and crotch and at one point tried to kiss me.

At the end of my shift I made a point of hanging back for a bit to make sure he had left too so he couldn't follow me home. Sounds paranoid but he had been asking me questions all day about where I lived. He also kept asking me to come to the back room with him because he wanted to show me something. Obviously I didn't go with him but it was kind of creepy how insistent he was being.

It sounds silly but now I don't want to go back to work. Luckily I've got four days off anyway but I'm dreading going back.

I don't know if I should mention anything to my manager as like I said the manager does really like him as does everyone else. Also everyone knows I don't like him so I'm worried in case people will think I'm making it up just to cause trouble.

And I have no idea how to phrase something like that...how would you phrase something like that? I'm scared that I might just start crying Blush.

OP posts:
wanttosqueezeyou · 07/04/2015 20:40

If this assault happened outside work you would report to police. It's no different, contact them now! I'm horrified at his persistence.

nilbyname · 07/04/2015 20:41

Bloody hell! That's awful.

Report report report.

Shenanagins · 07/04/2015 20:42

I wouldn't normally recommend this but submit your complaint immediately to your line manager, copying in hr, advising them you will also be contacting the police and then go to the dr to get signed off to give you some breathing space.

NameChange30 · 07/04/2015 20:46

That's sexual assault, it's a crime and both the police and your employer should take it very seriously. Report to both. I agree with PPs who suggested calling 101 and emailing your line manager as well as the HR manager.

Write down exactly what happened and when (a rough time if you don't know when exactly). Even though it's your word against his, why on earth would you make up something like this?! They will have to investigate. He might have done a similar thing to other employees and if they come forward it would strengthen your case.

Good luck Flowers

Griphook · 07/04/2015 20:47

im a lower manager and a staff member was assaulted by a member of staff ( he was well liked, like your colleague) it was taken very very seriously. I'm not sure what happened in the end as i wasn't senior enough to be kept in the loop but the worker involved was well supported and other staff who had been friends with the man fully supported her.

I'm sure he has done this before or will do again to someone else

foreverton · 07/04/2015 20:47

Similar happened to me recently op, I've been in a terrible state so I understand some of how you're feeling (( hugs ))

I still haven't told my boss, I'm dreading it, and am avoiding work:(

I hope you're ok xx

Griphook · 07/04/2015 20:48

Meant to add also ca the police.

MoanCollins · 07/04/2015 20:48

Fucking hell. Just to echo, tell your managers and ask them for their support reporting it to the police. Then report it whether or not they support you, it's sexual assault.

Is there CCTV where you work at all? Or did a colleague see anything? Any employer worth their salt should take this very seriously.

And I bet when you complain other people will come forward too. Sounds like he's experienced in doing this.

BrieAndChilli · 07/04/2015 20:48

What sort of place do you work? Most places nowadays have cctv somewhere so even though it might not have caught the actual assaults it might have caught him following you several times etx

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 20:48

I've googled my local police station and on their website it only gives information on how to report rape and a serious sexual assault. Looking at the definitions on there what happened to me would only be classed as sexual assault rather than a serious sexual assault. There's nothing there about reporting sexual assaults that aren't classified as serious. Am I still allowed to report it?

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 07/04/2015 20:49

Something similar happened to me at work. It took 4 days to tell anyone, i told my tutor at college because it felt too big to deal with at work. My tutor sent me straight to my Dr so that it could be written down by someone 'respected'. Seeing the look of horror on my Dr's face when i told him the details made me realise how bad it was, that helped me report it at work.

It's scary and you just want it to go away, but unless you report it, he will keep doing it. He is a sexual predator taking advantage of you, he's risked it with you because he believes you'll stay quiet. He may well have done it to other people at your work who will come forward if you tell.

If you want to pm me and ask anything, i'd be happy to talk to you more.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

cleanmyhouse · 07/04/2015 20:50

Any sexual assault is serious, don't imagine for a second that this isn't serious.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 07/04/2015 20:51

You are not over=reacting, you have been sexually assaulted and you have every right to report him to the police.

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 20:52

Brie I don't actually know whether there is CCTV or not. I mean, I haven't seen any, but then again that's the point.

OP posts:
cheminotte · 07/04/2015 20:52

Yes you are. It is still assault. There are posters on trains encouraging you to report unwanted groping. This is the same.

FuckingLiability · 07/04/2015 20:53

Oh, you poor thing. Flowers That's definitely a sexual assault, and you should absolutely report it. What a total scumbag he is.

Koalafications · 07/04/2015 20:56

You should inform your manager and HR and let them know that you will be reporting this to the police.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Flowers
alwaysstaytoolong · 07/04/2015 20:59

I'm usually the one rolling my eyes when MN suggests reporting stuff to the Police (because it is usually so far from anything the Police should be appraised of let alone an actual criminal offence).

But here - this is clearly a criminal offence. Report to the Police either now or after you've spoken to your manager (if your manager has any knowledge of anything - they will tell you to report it anyway).

OvertiredandConfused · 07/04/2015 21:00

You report it to the police by calling 101.

You are not over-reacting Flowers

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/04/2015 21:00

I agree this warrants police action.

cleanmyhouse · 07/04/2015 21:03

Oh, and that thing about being too shocked to do anything? It's much more common than you would think. I used to think I'd slap someone if they touched me. In that situation, I froze.

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 21:04

If I report it by calling 101 what will happen? Will they want me to come down to the police station for more info or want to speak to me again later?

OP posts:
hestialou · 07/04/2015 21:08

Please report it asap. Whilst not "serious" according to the guidelines you read he took a liberty to touch you. My goodness I hate it if any one touches my arm at work! Good luck xx

OvertiredandConfused · 07/04/2015 21:08

It varies a bit from place to place but they'll probably send someone out to see you, possibly tomorrow.

I'd suggest have a copy of your OP ready to share or help you get started. You can tell them on the phone that you were sexually assaulted at work and you're now nervous about going to work and want to report the man that assaulted you.

cleanmyhouse · 07/04/2015 21:13

They can send someone out to see you or you can arrange to go and see them. They will (should) be female officers.

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