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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how I should tell my manager about this?

158 replies

IAmNotAToy · 07/04/2015 20:17

I've name changed for this as I've posted quite a lot about where I work before and I think this might out me.

There is a man at work who I don't really like much. There's never been any particular reason why, but maybe it's because he is quite loud and brash whereas I'm more reserved. He also has a habit of being very touchy feely but I always put that down to him not being English. He is well liked by everyone else and all the managers love him too.

Yesterday we were both at work and about halfway through my shift he walked up to me from behind and started groping my arse. I told him to stop it which he did.

About half an hour later he again approached me from behind and started groping me again and just like before I told him to stop it. He then sniggered and asked me why I didn't like it and if I'd not ever had boyfriends before. I then stupidly told him, that yes I had, to which he then asked if I'd not had sex with my boyfriends before because if I had this shouldn't bother me Shock.

I decided that I would try to avoid him for the rest of my shift as he was creeping me out. He obviously had other plans as later on he followed me somewhere else and again he grabbed my arse only this time he then moved his hand away from there and onto my crotch and he proceeded to grope that Shock.

This is going to sound stupid but I was in shock and didn't do anything. He's never done anything like that before.

I tried to stick with my other colleagues as best as I could but there were times when I couldn't avoid being away from them and any time this happened he would again follow me and feel my arse and crotch and at one point tried to kiss me.

At the end of my shift I made a point of hanging back for a bit to make sure he had left too so he couldn't follow me home. Sounds paranoid but he had been asking me questions all day about where I lived. He also kept asking me to come to the back room with him because he wanted to show me something. Obviously I didn't go with him but it was kind of creepy how insistent he was being.

It sounds silly but now I don't want to go back to work. Luckily I've got four days off anyway but I'm dreading going back.

I don't know if I should mention anything to my manager as like I said the manager does really like him as does everyone else. Also everyone knows I don't like him so I'm worried in case people will think I'm making it up just to cause trouble.

And I have no idea how to phrase something like that...how would you phrase something like that? I'm scared that I might just start crying Blush.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 09/04/2015 13:29

Well done OP!! I'm so glad you are doing this!
If it will be easier for you, you can ask to speak to a female officer and give her the note.
Please come back and tell us what happens, so that when someone less brave comes along with a similar problem we can point them to it.

Knackeredotcom · 09/04/2015 16:20

Well done OP!! I've been thinking about you and checking this thread.
He has absolutely no right to touch and should not be allowed to get away with it, hope it went well with the police Flowers

Box5883284322679964228 · 09/04/2015 18:51

OP how was it?

ScrumpyBetty · 09/04/2015 20:34

Hope you are okay OP?

AndHarry · 09/04/2015 21:44

I hope you're ok OP. I had a similar thing happen to me at work about 10 years ago. I wish I'd gone to the police, especially now as the man who assaulted me is working unsupervised with children :(

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 09/04/2015 21:51

They've said they're going to have to interview my colleagues to see if he has done anything similar to them. I didn't think of asking at the time but this has suddenly just occurred to me - will they tell my colleagues it was me who reported him? Obviously they'll tell my managers but what about everyone else? I don't want everybody at work treating me differently or even have me being paranoid and thinking that they are Sad.

OP posts:
AndHarry · 09/04/2015 21:57

No, they will keep everything as confidential as possible. If you have concerns, ring your case officer.

BeaufortBelle · 09/04/2015 22:00

I think you have done the right thing. Try not to worry too much. The police will probably contact the company and it's likely he will be suspended. Can you ask the police how they will handle it?

I think you should speak to or email your line manager/head of hr before the police do.

I hope you are ok and that every one supports you.

Original poster
IAmNotAToy · 09/04/2015 22:05

They've told me he will most likely be suspended while the investigation is ongoing.

I don't know why but I actually feel like shit now. I keep thinking back and wondering if maybe I gave out wrong signals or something. Or I should have made it clearer that I didn't want him to continue. Even though I don't think I did. I just wanted to do my job.

OP posts:
BeaufortBelle · 09/04/2015 22:16

That's exactly how predators want their victims to feel. You are not in the wrong. You have been assaulted and have acted bravely and responsibly.

Have you got people to turn to in real life? It might help to see your doctor and get some counselling organised.

Flowers
Shenanagins · 09/04/2015 22:21

Glad to hear that you have plucked up the courage to report this, it can't have been easy. And no, you haven't done anything wrong.

Sallyingforth · 09/04/2015 23:27

OP you can go in to work with your head held high. You have done the right thing, for yourself and for the other women there. You have nothing to fear from telling the truth and revealing what this man has been up to. Well done!

DilapidatedGlamourpuss · 09/04/2015 23:31

You are not in the wrong OP. This man overstepped the boundaries massively and subjected you to sexual assault. Nobody has the right to touch you without your consent. He's a creep and I hope he gets the consequences he deserves.

The Police have to find out whether he has done similar to anyone else, but as far as I am aware from my own dealings with them when I reported sexual abuse they won't go around blabbing what they already know to potential witnesses in case the evidence is compromised. Thinking of you OPThanks

uglyswan · 09/04/2015 23:58

Well done, OP, I am so very glad you've reported this. And please stop wondering whether you could have prevented this. For one thing, you told him to stop it. That is perfectly clear. And for another, the onus was not on you to "make it clearer" that you didn't like being non-consensually grabbed and touched - he is the one who massively overstepped a number of very very clear boundaries. Now of course you're shaken by the enormity of it all and that is completely understandable. But you did absolutely the right thing - for yourself and for any other women who have to work with him.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/04/2015 00:05

There is no signal you could have given to make what he did an acceptable reaction.

To be honest you could have taken all your clothes off and stood jiggling next to him and he would Still be Wrong.

He knew he was assaulting you. He just decided that he wanted to do it more than he cared about your right not be to assaulted. That makes him doubly foul, he assaulted you physically and emotionally/ mentally.

You are very brave you know xxx

hobNong · 10/04/2015 00:11

Well done for reporting op! The guy is an absolute dick and deserves to get in trouble for what he did, don't forget that. You did nothing wrong when he assaulted you and have done nothing wrong in reporting him. He is the bad guy here completely.

wanttosqueezeyou · 10/04/2015 01:46

Well done. I hope you're the last woman he assaults.

Crossfitmyarse · 10/04/2015 02:42

Definitely write it all up in great detail and also report it to the police immediately and give them a copy of exactly the same written statement you intend to give your manager/HR.

Tell the police asap, it will show your manager that you are completely serious, just in case anyone at work tries to minimise it as a bit of a prank/banter and tries to say that you over-reacted or got the wrong end of the stick, which is almost certainly what he will say when questioned.

the CCTV might re-record over the same bit of tape on a loop unless it's stopped at a particular time frame on purpose, so the sooner you officially demand that the CCTV footage be looked at the better.

Another reason why it's better to get the police involved sooner rather than later is that they can demand the CCTV tape as evidence whereas if you ask you might get given the runaround.

Crossfitmyarse · 10/04/2015 02:43

oops, sorry, see you've already told HR! Well done.

Crossfitmyarse · 10/04/2015 02:47

Oh hang on, so you've told the police but not HR/management. Are you just going to leave it to the police to tell them?

cheminotte · 10/04/2015 06:51

Well done OP. What you feel now is delayed shock but it is Not Your Fault in any way.

confusedandemployed · 10/04/2015 06:57

Fantastic well done OP. I not at all surprised that your colleague had the same and I expect the police will find more victims at work - or even at his previous workplaces.
Dirty sleazy little shit.
You, on the other hand, can go to work with your head held high. I'd be surprised if the police divulged who made the complaint but neither would I be surprised if people work it out. I'm betting most people will be on your side Flowers

Zampa · 10/04/2015 07:02

You are so brave OP. Well done and good luck.

Please remember that this was never your fault.

londonrach · 10/04/2015 07:26

Well done op. I bet there are others at work he has assulted as he sounds very confident. Hugs xxx

insancerre · 10/04/2015 07:39

Well done for reporting
Have you emailed your manager and hr?
I hope you have visited your gp and have been signed off work

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