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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think DH's sisters are cheap and entitled?

140 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 11:51

DH and I visit his family about once every couple of months. He has 2 younger sisters - both are adults.

The middle sister is getting married very soon and has just bought a house with her fiancé. They have also just bought loads of brand new furniture for it despite grandma giving them loads of stuff (they have binned grandma's sofas and tables etc in favour of brand new ones). Both middle sister and fiancé have decent jobs.

Younger sister has just moved into her first flat with boyfriend. Both have good jobs. Younger sister has only been working for a few months, having graduated from uni last year, so she hasn't been taxed on much of her earnings as yet (never had a job before, so full personal allowance needed to be used up for this financial year).

FIL has a good job, but it's dependent on legal aid so he isn't in the best place financially, but he can still afford most of middle sister's wedding.

So... this weekend we visit and FIL says we should all go to a fave restaurant. It's pricey, but normally when FIL suggests such things, he pays. Anyway, there are 8 of us drinking and eating in an expensive restaurant so the bill is something ludicrous like £300. DH then informs me that we are paying for half of it because FIL isn't doing so well in business due to legal aid cuts.

AIBU to be angry about this? - (1) I don't mind paying for my own dinner, but I wouldn't have picked somewhere so expensive if I had known! (2) neither sister even offered to pay a penny when FIL announced that we had paid half and (3) I wasn't consulted.

I guess I am most annoyed that neither sister or their partners even offered... especially middle sister, who must be the only person in the world who can afford a £10k wedding, insanely expensive honeymoon, to buy a house and to buy brand new furniture all within the space of about 6 months.

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 07/04/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FenellaFellorick · 07/04/2015 11:56

I'd be very cross with my husband. Informed you? That's the sort of thing the two of you discuss and decide beforehand.

His sisters can have as big a sense of entitlement as they like - he chose to pay.

I suppose people will come along and suggest to you that you look at your own sense of entitlement/assumptions if you were happy to go when you simply assumed someone else was paying, but I am sure you know that already Grin

Talk to your husband. Tell him that it's not on to decide to pay for other people's dinners without discussing it.

However, if you think about how much you've saved over the years by your father in law paying, you're probably still 'up', plus it's nice to help out someone who's not doing as well as they were, particularly when they've been generous to you in the past. If it makes you feel better to think about it like that, rather than being cross about it?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/04/2015 11:59

You assumed FiL would pay, that's entitled isn't it?

Yes everyone should have paid their way.

PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:00

What actually happened? Did your DH have a quiet world with FIL and offer to pay? Did FIL ask his son to go halves on the meal?

It doesn't sound like the sisters knew anything different to the normal arrangement was happening until after it was a done deal, and I don't think it's entitled for them not to offer after the bill has already been paid.
If anything, you should be annoyed at your DH for saying he'd pay without consulting you, but even, if it's him making the sacrifice the it's up to him if he pays.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2015 12:00

To be fair, your FIL announced that you and your DH went halves on paying for the meal.

How were they to know that you DH hadn't discussed it with you?

They probably thought you and your DH were kindly treating them, in the same way that your FIL does.

Maliceaforethought · 07/04/2015 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

19lottie82 · 07/04/2015 12:01

Yes, did your DH offer to pay, or was he asked?

To be fair, the sisters may not be as well off as you think, one's getting married and has just bought a house, and the other has just moved in to their own home.......

I'm not saying they shouldn't contribute, but your FIL effectively has invited everyone out and family dynamics way suggest that he always pays in these situations.

When we go out with my DF he always pays for the meal, we aren't scroungers, that's just the way it had always been. He wouldn't let us pay if we offered.

Maybe your FIL wants to maintain this "head of the family" approach, especially in front of the younger, female siblings.
If he has asked your DH to pay half, then he shouldn't be suggesting these outings.

lemonyone · 07/04/2015 12:01

It does seem a little unfair, I would have liked being consulted about this by your DH.

Equally, I think it seems a bit harsh to list all the sisters possessions etc and then be cross at them for not having offered to pay. You weren't there. Perhaps they started to offer, but the FIL declined.

Your should be cross with your DH for not having consulted you, but seem to be targeting the sisters with your anger.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 12:02

Er, your DH offered up your money! They didnt ask for it! You are pointing your finger at entirely the wrong people here for some reason. Maybe to save an argument with your DH but he is the one who caused this issue. No doubt about it.

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:02

FIL didn't ask him to... he just offered.

Fenella - I don't expect people to pay for me and I wasn't annoyed to be asked to pay for my own (I am always happy to do that), but paying for me and DH would have been less than paying for half of the entire bill, and I wouldn't have agreed to that restaurant if I had known!

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:04

If your DH offered, then your problem lies very firmly with him.

It sounds like you woudont have offered if it had been up to you, so why are you calling your SILs cheap and entitled because they did exactly the same as you?

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:05

Ok I see that the standard thought here is that as DH offered, that's the end of it. But FIL paid the other half - why shouldn't the sisters ever have to pay for anything?

Lemonyone - point taken re listing possessions but I didn't want to drip feed and get a load of responses of "well maybe they cant afford it". They absolutely can. I could also list all the things I have heard about their "fantastic base of savings" from PIL.

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 07/04/2015 12:05

I don't think £300 is bad at all for 8 drinking and eating -but that wasn't the question. Yes, it was tight of the others to not offer to pay their share and your dh was wrong to spring it on you at the last moment so you couldn't discuss it. Yanbu.

PesoPenguin · 07/04/2015 12:05

Well actually I think you were the entitled on for expecting FIL to pay. Well they were too I guess, but you can't complain about them when you were thinking the same thing! The only one who wasn't entitled was your dh. Yes he should have consulted you, but what would you say? "No, let FIL pay."? If you didn't want to pay that restaurant's prices, you should have said so before going, then everyone could have discussed what to do,

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:05

Ptolemys - I would have offered to pay for my own and DH's if I had known about FIL's issues...

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 07/04/2015 12:05

I think you should be angry with your DH, not the sisters then, sorry.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 12:05

Were the sisters being cheap and entitled when they thought it was just their father paying? Or did they just become cheap and entitled when your DH paid half the bill? Is it only when its affecting your bank account that it becomes entitled? Because you were happy for FIL to pay too so that makes you as cheap and entitled as them.

Jackieharris · 07/04/2015 12:06

I don't understand why it was the 2 men who paid and none of the women did.

Is this some kind of macho thing with their/your family?

Yes the 2 sisters should have at least offered to contribute.

Unescorted · 07/04/2015 12:06

It sounds as if none of you had a choice of place to eat except your FIL. If he normally pays it would have been reasonably assumed by all parties that this was gong to be the case in this instance.

After paying for the wedding, house deposit and furniture it is possible that Middle Sister & partner are up to their eyeballs in debt / have spent all their disposible income. They weren't to know that the meal wasn't to be paid for by FIL

SIL 2 have run up debt during her course and may have other financial commitments you are unaware of. I know my brothers and spouses are unaware of my financial situation.

Being angry at the sisters is being unreasonable as they could not have known that it wasn't going to be your FIL's treat. Being angry at you DH is NBU - it was after all his decision to offer to pay for half the meal.

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:06

PesoPenguin - I think there is a miscommunication here. I have no issue paying for my own dinner and even DH's. But I resent paying for even part of SILs' and their partners' when they can afford it themselves.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:08

But you didn't do that did you? You waited until it was all sorted by someone else. Same as your SILs did.

Maybe the sisters should pay for things sometimes, but that is really a different thread, because it's only this once that you and your DH have started to pay when you all go out for meals as well.

And maybe your FIL hasn't shared his financial issues with his daughters, perhaps that's something he chooses to only discuss with his son.

LadyGregory · 07/04/2015 12:09

Honestly, OP, you all sound far too involved in one another's finances. I haven't the faintest idea what any of my ILs earn, save or spend on their weddings, or whether they binned inherited furniture in favour of Ikea's finest.

But, if you aren't happy with the restaurant bill situation, it's your own husband you need to take issue with. Was he volunteering your shared cash, or his own?

Original poster
DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:10

PtolemysNeedle -

I didn't wait for anything - I didn't know about FIL's issues until DH and I had a row in the car on the way home about the cost. I would have been fine with paying for ours if I had known earlier. And I would have offered!!

Also - why on earth is it ok for FIL to burden DH with it only and for DH to then be the only one who has to worry about it? Both SILs are adults. And quite frankly they are given a damn site more than DH is in general - but that's not for this thread.

OP posts:
drbonnieblossman · 07/04/2015 12:10

The fault doesn't really lie with anyone other than your DH I don't think. He should probably have mentioned it but presumably felt you would be in agreement and also felt it was affordable for you both to treat the other family members.

I'd let it go, it's only fair that everyone takes their turn and if Fil has usually been generous then it's more than reasonable.

As for the Sils, well maybe they have splashed out, but it's not really the issue. They shouldn't feel they need to justify how they spend and I dare say their turn to treat will come. If it doesn't, then you may be justified in being annoyed but until then there's no point in it upsetting or annoying you.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 12:10

But I resent paying for even part of SILs' and their partners' when they can afford it themselves.

Yes but it was your DH that put you in that position, not them. He paid for their food without any discussion. They were never paying for their meal regardless as FIL was paying until your DH chipped in. Your DH offered your money, no-one else. Just him.