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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH's sisters are cheap and entitled?

140 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 11:51

DH and I visit his family about once every couple of months. He has 2 younger sisters - both are adults.

The middle sister is getting married very soon and has just bought a house with her fiancé. They have also just bought loads of brand new furniture for it despite grandma giving them loads of stuff (they have binned grandma's sofas and tables etc in favour of brand new ones). Both middle sister and fiancé have decent jobs.

Younger sister has just moved into her first flat with boyfriend. Both have good jobs. Younger sister has only been working for a few months, having graduated from uni last year, so she hasn't been taxed on much of her earnings as yet (never had a job before, so full personal allowance needed to be used up for this financial year).

FIL has a good job, but it's dependent on legal aid so he isn't in the best place financially, but he can still afford most of middle sister's wedding.

So... this weekend we visit and FIL says we should all go to a fave restaurant. It's pricey, but normally when FIL suggests such things, he pays. Anyway, there are 8 of us drinking and eating in an expensive restaurant so the bill is something ludicrous like £300. DH then informs me that we are paying for half of it because FIL isn't doing so well in business due to legal aid cuts.

AIBU to be angry about this? - (1) I don't mind paying for my own dinner, but I wouldn't have picked somewhere so expensive if I had known! (2) neither sister even offered to pay a penny when FIL announced that we had paid half and (3) I wasn't consulted.

I guess I am most annoyed that neither sister or their partners even offered... especially middle sister, who must be the only person in the world who can afford a £10k wedding, insanely expensive honeymoon, to buy a house and to buy brand new furniture all within the space of about 6 months.

OP posts:

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/04/2015 12:28

I do not see that your sisters are 'cheap and entitled' for accepting the deal, any more than you were for expected the FIL to cough up for the whole bill.

Original poster

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:28

Thanks all. I think it's clear from this that I am being unreasonable to be annoyed at SILs but that I am fine to be annoyed at DH.

I hope, as others have said, that in the future, SILs will offer to pay for something (which they have so far each only ever done once in respect of a round of 4 drinks each at one birthday party in all the years that I have known them). If that doesn't happen, I will start another thread and you can all lambast me again

OP posts:

BasinHaircut · 07/04/2015 12:29

Man takes his wife, children and their partners out for lunch. This is a regular occurance and he usually pays, therefore everyone expects him to pay this time. At some point during the meal, he either tells his son he is having money trouble and son offers to split the bill with him, or he asks son to split the bill with him and son agrees. Daughters have no idea about any of this until the bill is paid.

Where did his sisters go wrong OP? Not jumping up and throwing money at your DH? Maybe they will get the bill next time?

PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:29

but agree that your sils could have contributed to this meal when they saw that your brother was. It is a wee bit squeaky of them to just sit then and let others take care of it for them.

They didn't see that their brother was going to contribute, they saw that the brother had already contributed. They didn't sit there and allow their brother to pay while they kept their mouths shut, as far as they knew, the meal was being paid for in the usual way. They didn't know that ops DH had contributed until after it had been done, which makes all the difference.

I'd think it wierd and rude if they had started trying to pay back their father and brother after the bill had already been settled. In that situation, you say thank you and accept graciously, you don't start trying to force cash on your family.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2015 12:30

OP, you don't know how often your SILs take their parents to dinner when you're not there, or how often they treat them as I doubt they'd run it by you first.

Also your FIL has to take some blame here. If he doesn't have much money, why suggest an expensive restaurant?

shewept · 07/04/2015 12:31

Also your FIL has to take some blame here. If he doesn't have much money, why suggest an expensive restaurant?

Exactly this

madreloco · 07/04/2015 12:31

They are happy to take a free meal in a pricey restaurant? So....just the same as you are, as long as someone else is paying?
They are just acting as you have done in the past. Pot, kettle. YABU.

Original poster

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:34

Worra - sigh, they don't. PILs pay for everything for SILs because they treat them like children. This I do know. And this includes MIL's birthday lunch and mothers' day lunch (DH and I didn't attend these as we live far away, hence the visit this weekend).

DH is expected to pay his way., I assume because he is the oldest, but they're all working adults.

And agreed re FIL - I was surprised, knowing what I do about finances. But I think he did plan to pay. I just thought it would have been nice if the sisters had at least offered to buy a bottle of wine or something.

OP posts:

LadyGregory · 07/04/2015 12:35

OP, you can't force other adults to behave in a way you approve of. Your SILs may continue to be 'cheap and entitled' in your view, and even if you tell them this, there's no guarantee they will alter their ways. You can talk to your DH about not paying for things out of shared funds without both of you agreeing, but that's about all you can productively do, unless you make it clear to your ILs that you don't want to be privy to their every financial transaction.

The fact that you're furious with your SILs and not your husband, and that you seem to have total recall on what drinks they've paid for down the years and have thought about the tax-free allowance of one if them, does suggest that you're mildly obsessed with what you see their meanness and 'flashy' spending on themselves.

Original poster

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:35

and before anyone comments on the above, we did send MIL a nice present for mothers' day and one for her birthday to make up for not going to the lunches.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 07/04/2015 12:38

Glad you've come round - I was going to say what you'd said in your post a couple of posts ago.
Yes, you are entitled to be cross / annoyed, but you need to be cross at your dh, not your SiLs who weren't really involved in the decision making.

Littlemonstersrule · 07/04/2015 12:38

Does your DH have to ask permission to do everything? Unless he was spending your salary and not his own he simply treated his family. There's nothing wrong with that.

You expected your FIL to pay and have accepted meals from him in the past yet it's only the sisters that are entitled? It's a bit off to accept treats from others but to expect others to decline.

Maliceaforethought · 07/04/2015 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewept · 07/04/2015 12:40

How do you know they don't offer everytime they go out with your pils?

My dad never lets us pay, which sometimes descends into everyone trying to sneak off and pay the bill before we have even finished. It becomes ridiculous. Dbro never does it. But I don't expect him to, because me and dh do.

I do know the whole issue about paying bills makes dbro uncomfortable. He doesn't want offend dad by offering or paying behind his back. But he has offered in the past. I take a different view.

pinkdelight · 07/04/2015 12:40

How much younger are the sisters btw? Even though, as you say, they are adults, I wonder if there's still a 'stage' thing where you DH is seen as more grown up and FIL is still cutting the sisters more slack, financially and in terms of not burdening them with issues etc. You say the sisters get treated more like children. Maybe your DH would've at their age and it's only as he's more settled into the adulthood that it's acceptable for him to pay, rather than splitting it equally on principle. An equal split would be fairer, of course, but families have all kinds of checks and balances and don't always work that simply. My Dbro is three years older but about 10 years behind in maturity terms and I'd be much more likely to pay for my parents than he would. I don't begrudge him that because he's different and it'll all even out in the end. Same as your DH probably doesn't begrudge his sisters the way you do.

PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:41

It would have been nice if the sisters had offered to buy a bottle of wine.

It would also have been nice if you had suggested to your DH that you buy a bottle of wine.

But you didn't, so you can't blame them for doing the same.

It's probably one of those things where families just do things differently. If your DHs sisters have always been led to expect that their father will pay when they all go out, then they aren't doing anything wrong by not forcing that to change. Especially as your FIL is the one who suggested the meal out, and presumably that suggestion was intended to be taken as an invitation because it always has in the past.

It sounds like your FIL has clearly defined ideas of the roles of women and men in a family.

Original poster

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:42

Ladygregory - I am angry at DH. The reason this thread focussed on SILs was because i knew i wasnt being unreasonable about DH!

Maybe I am obsessed with their finances but I work incredibly hard for what I have and DH does too. And I often think that DH pays for too much where is family are concerned (e.g. SILs suggest presents that all 3 of them will share cost of and DH ends up paying the vast majority for no apparent reason other than that they have allocated him a larger amount and DH never bats and eyelid- his fault again, I know). I guess after a couple of years of feeling like that you do start to keep a mental count. I'm sure its ridiculous, but it is what it is.

And Malice - not a bad thought... TBH I find them pretty erm... well... maybe the word is "irritating"? They are just very different to me. I don't dislike them as such, I just find it hard to relate to them.

OP posts:

Heels99 · 07/04/2015 12:43

Ok
Fil was unreasonable to suggest dining out at expensive restaurant without clarifying in advance who could pay for what.
Dh was unreasonable to offer to pay half without consulting you.
Can't see how the sisters were 'entitled' as far as they were concerned they were treated to lunch by fil and your dh.
Next time resolve in advance I.e all pay for yourselves and maybe even treat fil, or skip fancy dinners if actually it's causing stress to fil.

Heels99 · 07/04/2015 12:44

The issue is with your dh. He needs to be more assertive about splitting cost with his sisters.

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/04/2015 12:44

"e.g. SILs suggest presents that all 3 of them will share cost of and DH ends up paying the vast majority for no apparent reason other than that they have allocated him a larger amount"

quite honestly your DH should not enable them.

workhouse · 07/04/2015 12:45

YANBU the SILs should have offered to chip in when they realised that the FIL was having difficulties paying. Also the FIL shouldn't have suggested such an expensive restaurant.

Maybe the DH didn't have a chance to discuss, with his wife, the bill before he offered to pay. My DH might possibly make that kind of decision on the spur of the moment without discussing it with me, as might I in respect of my parents. It is his money too!

My FIL often takes my DH and us all out for a meal and pays, I suppose that means that I am "entitled" too.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2015 12:47

You are absolutely right to be annoyed about this. But if you don't share finances and your DH is paying from his own money then that's a bit different. I am assuming the money is coming out of your joint earnings in which case it's a cheek that you were not consulted.

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2015 12:47

How do you know they don't?

I would have no clue how often my siblings take my parents to dinner, or who pays when I'm not there. It's not like I'm going to get a text or phone call informing me.

Why on earth would you know?

Fairenuff · 07/04/2015 12:54

SILs suggest presents that all 3 of them will share cost of and DH ends up paying the vast majority for no apparent reason other than that they have allocated him a larger amount

Again, it's your dh that you should be talking to about this. Or maybe he is happy to pay more. Maybe it makes him feel good about himself to be so benevolent. If it actually affects family budgeting, then speak to him about it.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 12:56

DH is expected to pay his way., I assume because he is the oldest,

Well he wasnt thought was he? FIL was paying for everyone, like you say he has always done and that he refused in the past for you and DH to pay your share. your DH offered to pay half. He wasnt expected to at all.

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