Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to think DH's sisters are cheap and entitled?

140 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 11:51

DH and I visit his family about once every couple of months. He has 2 younger sisters - both are adults.

The middle sister is getting married very soon and has just bought a house with her fiancé. They have also just bought loads of brand new furniture for it despite grandma giving them loads of stuff (they have binned grandma's sofas and tables etc in favour of brand new ones). Both middle sister and fiancé have decent jobs.

Younger sister has just moved into her first flat with boyfriend. Both have good jobs. Younger sister has only been working for a few months, having graduated from uni last year, so she hasn't been taxed on much of her earnings as yet (never had a job before, so full personal allowance needed to be used up for this financial year).

FIL has a good job, but it's dependent on legal aid so he isn't in the best place financially, but he can still afford most of middle sister's wedding.

So... this weekend we visit and FIL says we should all go to a fave restaurant. It's pricey, but normally when FIL suggests such things, he pays. Anyway, there are 8 of us drinking and eating in an expensive restaurant so the bill is something ludicrous like £300. DH then informs me that we are paying for half of it because FIL isn't doing so well in business due to legal aid cuts.

AIBU to be angry about this? - (1) I don't mind paying for my own dinner, but I wouldn't have picked somewhere so expensive if I had known! (2) neither sister even offered to pay a penny when FIL announced that we had paid half and (3) I wasn't consulted.

I guess I am most annoyed that neither sister or their partners even offered... especially middle sister, who must be the only person in the world who can afford a £10k wedding, insanely expensive honeymoon, to buy a house and to buy brand new furniture all within the space of about 6 months.

OP posts:

XiCi · 07/04/2015 20:00

You sound very jealous of your DHs sisters and from what you have written they don't seem to have done anything to have incurred such wrath. Of course if they have just bought a house they will want to buy their own furniture and not have grannies. And it's none of your business how much they spend on their wedding or honeymoon.

Re the meal. It sounds like your DH has tried to do something really nice for your FIL. He knows he is struggling at the moment so paid half the bill. That's a nice thing to do, why shouldn't he help out his family? If he had also wanted money from the sisters surely he would have had a quiet word with them and asked them to chip in, but he didn't. I don't know what you expected them to do when they were told your DH had paid half except say thank you.

I'm afraid that if you had argued with me about me spending my own money helping my dad out and treating my family to a meal you would get very short shrift. Unless he has left you on the breadline for the rest of the month I fail to see why you are angry with him.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/04/2015 20:09

I don't get it, why can't a bloke treat his sisters if he wants?

Surely if you do the joint finances thing he's entitled to use his personal spends how he sees fit,just the same as you can use yours.

laurierf · 07/04/2015 20:15

see!

I'm sure SIL thinks both her siblings and her OH's siblings are "entitled" but as all other siblings and sibling ILs are very, very close, it's not really an issue as we talk about these things openly and honestly and ignore annoying SIL

Really, though, we are not always equally aware of parents' finances (in fact it was me who was more aware and became so by accident rather than intent), and siblings would have been mortified if they were not kept up to speed, not least as parents would never have said anything. So it's been handled sensitively and positively when it comes to this sort of stuff without any need for fuss except from annoying SIL who has done herself no favours with everyone else

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 21:06

On a basic level the OP has gone from accepting a free meal from her FIL to accepting a free meal from her DH (she said it was his money). I can't see where the annoyance would come...

MadgeFinn · 07/04/2015 21:07

Well surely when his son offered to pay half the bill the FIL should have said no that's not fair on you and your wife, everyone can pay for their own. It would then have been a nice gesture for all the siblings to cover the cost of the fathers meal.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 21:15

FIL should have said no that's not fair on you and your wife, everyone can pay for their own. It would then have been a nice gesture for all the siblings to cover the cost of the fathers meal.

I think you are confused about what a gesture is. Someone makes a gesture of their own volition. Someone inviting people out for dinner (that he has always paid for in the past) and then telling them they have to pay for themselves does not make it a gesture! It would be quite a cruel thing to do on FILs part too. Could lead to an embarrassing situation for anyone who really didnt have the money to pay. (Having fully expected, as OP did, that the meal was being paid for)

Untrevive · 07/04/2015 21:17

IME this is the start of being expected to pay for everyone everytime!

MadgeFinn · 07/04/2015 21:25

No that isn't what I meant. I meant it would have been a nice gesture for DH and his sisters to share the cost and cover the fathers meal, seeing as how he always used to pay for theirs. That is what a gesture is. Obviously that didn't happen, but if it had, it would have been a nice gesture.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 21:41

Ah it seemed as if you were suggesting FIL tell everyone to pay for the meal and that it would be a nice gesture. I see you were talking about two different things now.

keepsmiling2015 · 07/04/2015 22:04

What does 'has a good job' mean?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 22:40

The sisters can't be volun-told. Even, honestly, to pay their own if the expectation is that they are being taken out.

Seriously, what is wrong with the system what we do that the person who invites pays? Unless someone else (generally my DH after a whispered conversation when he discusses it with me) jumps in and insists on paying it all. Normally if the last meal was paid by the other party. It works that generally everyone ends up paying the same amount (averaged over a couple of years) and it's fair and people get to treat each other.

Or, as sometimes happens, me and DB will discuss taking DM and DF out for a birthday and split the cost 50:50.

My DB rarely jumps in other than that but there is one of him and he doesn't drink very much so he's a cheap date. Doesn't bother me, it's family.

Smoorikins · 08/04/2015 12:49

For those of you that are saying the DH is unreasonable - did you read the comment where the money for the meal, other than the ops meal, is coming out of the dh's own money, and not shared money?

Op is only having to pay for her own meal, which she said she is happy to do - and yet is still annoyed.

I think the dh sounds thoughtful and kind, and can't see why him paying for a meal out of his own money is such an issue. Sounds like the op wanted a freebie, just like the people she is moaning about.

base9 · 08/04/2015 13:19

I have a similar family situation and I completely understand the OP's frustration with it.

FIL thinks he should pay. He always has, it makes him feel generous and important. When he visits his son, his son pays for everything, and this too is as it should be.

FIL can no longer afford the same level of generosity, and leaned on son to help out.

Your problem here, OP, is that you do not want DH taking over FIL's role in the family as the guy who pays. SILs have not given this a lot of thought yet. They are spoilt but they have been brought up to expect It.

I would ask DH to have a talk with his sisters. Explain that at family meals we all now split the bill. If Dad offers, everyone quickly insists on splitting the bill as he has always been so generous. He cannot afford what he used to, and they can afford to pay their own way. Now it may turn out that the sisters are tight, or are freeloaders, and will turn every meal into a nightmare when the bill comes. But maybe they won't.

Also you may want to talk to your DH about his propensity to pay with yr own DC. Do you want them to be independent and proud of their ability to pay, or to always be looking to Daddy to pay? He may need to think about the values he attaches to money.

Maliceaforethought · 08/04/2015 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RolandRat · 09/04/2015 08:44

If you and DH paid half of the bill of £300 (£150) then you paid for half a party of 8's dinner (4 people). That could be taken as you paying for yourself, DH, FIL and I'm assuming MIL? Your FIL then paid for 2 SIL's and their 2 partners. Therefore all you did was treat your PIL's to dinner, which is a nice gesture and if they normally pay for dinner then probably a long time coming.....

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread