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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH's sisters are cheap and entitled?

140 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 11:51

DH and I visit his family about once every couple of months. He has 2 younger sisters - both are adults.

The middle sister is getting married very soon and has just bought a house with her fiancé. They have also just bought loads of brand new furniture for it despite grandma giving them loads of stuff (they have binned grandma's sofas and tables etc in favour of brand new ones). Both middle sister and fiancé have decent jobs.

Younger sister has just moved into her first flat with boyfriend. Both have good jobs. Younger sister has only been working for a few months, having graduated from uni last year, so she hasn't been taxed on much of her earnings as yet (never had a job before, so full personal allowance needed to be used up for this financial year).

FIL has a good job, but it's dependent on legal aid so he isn't in the best place financially, but he can still afford most of middle sister's wedding.

So... this weekend we visit and FIL says we should all go to a fave restaurant. It's pricey, but normally when FIL suggests such things, he pays. Anyway, there are 8 of us drinking and eating in an expensive restaurant so the bill is something ludicrous like £300. DH then informs me that we are paying for half of it because FIL isn't doing so well in business due to legal aid cuts.

AIBU to be angry about this? - (1) I don't mind paying for my own dinner, but I wouldn't have picked somewhere so expensive if I had known! (2) neither sister even offered to pay a penny when FIL announced that we had paid half and (3) I wasn't consulted.

I guess I am most annoyed that neither sister or their partners even offered... especially middle sister, who must be the only person in the world who can afford a £10k wedding, insanely expensive honeymoon, to buy a house and to buy brand new furniture all within the space of about 6 months.

OP posts:

Heels99 · 07/04/2015 13:09

Only your dh can change this, when they allocate him a larger share of a present cost he needs to say lets split it equally. Or he could just say he already has a gift in mind so won't be making a joint gift this time.
It is easily resolved.

lemonyone · 07/04/2015 13:17

OP, I do have some sympathy.

I think pink had a good point further up thread that perhaps the FIL sees the 2 SILs as 'transitional adults'. i.e. in his eyes they are still establishing themselves (you say one has just left uni) and therefore he is still in fatherly paying mode with them. That probably will last longer than it should. I know this has happened with my own SIL.

I understand why it's irritating. I have paid my own way for ages with my own Dad (who I only see once a year as my parents divorced when i was young). He stopped paying for me ages ago (apart from the odd treat, like a meal out) but my DHalfSis is in some kind of financial extended teenager hood. He pays for all her holidays, half her rent, meals clothes etc even though she has an ok paying job.
I had to learn ages ago to (in the immortal words of Elsa) Let it go, otherwise i think it would have caused a rift.

It sounds like your relationship with your SILs and the irritation goes beyond the financial. You need to tell your DH that in future you really need financial decisions like this to be discussed with you as well, or, if you don't want to do that and he keeps doing little things like this - perhaps Let it go as, unfortunately, it makes you seem like the bad guy, rather than them.

Smoorikins · 07/04/2015 13:18

I think your DH sounds lovely. I think you would have done the same as your sisters in law given the same chance.

NellysKnickers · 07/04/2015 13:19

YABU. I think. DH has treated his family to a nice meal. FIL usually pays so no doubt you've had your fair share of free food. I think 7ou are a teensy bit jealous of SILS. But YA not BU if you now need to go without because of DH'S generosity over the meal. Think you just need to draw a line under it and move on.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/04/2015 13:24

The issues with your SiLs seem to be your own, and you are projecting them on to everything.

You seem to be excusing your DH by projecting on to your SiLs.

SisterMoonshine · 07/04/2015 13:24

I don't know until I know more about the OP's furniture and taxes.

richthegreatcornholio · 07/04/2015 13:35

£300 for dinner for 8 doesn't sound especially expensive but the others should have at least offered to pay their share. Maybe agree who's paying beforehand next time you all go for a meal?

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/04/2015 13:37

actually yes we need to know the provenance of OP's furniture and how much tax she paid in the last fiscal year before we can offer any kind of opinion.
OP you do seem overly interested in your SILs domestic details I must say.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/04/2015 15:28

Yanbu at all, the type of restaurant should have been discussed before. There is noway we could afford £150 at the moment, due to lots of expenses this month. weatherspooon would have been more aporopriate ATM. Let it go now, but next time, FIL suggests expensive restaurant, assume your going dutch, and tell him that you would prefer so where cheaper as your on a budget.

honeyroar · 07/04/2015 15:35

I'd have been quite proud of my husband for being the only one of the three with a thought for his father personally. It's just the sort of thing my husband would do. It means he takes after his generous father, who does need to downscale his restaurants for a while if business is doing badly, although is probably too proud. My dad will always try to pay. It took me until my late 30s to be able to insist that I was going to pay, and even now it's a struggle. Perhaps SILs will get there one day!

mijas99 · 07/04/2015 15:41

Your DH thought about his Dad and offered to pay half

That is what responsible adults do

They don't skimp and count pennies and freeload

Good on him

What his sisters do are up to them

In my family we always split costs but on my DP's family my FIL always pays, so we have a "fight" to see who can pay first. So sometimes we make it clear that we are paying before the meal. This has been an important way of us establishing that we are not children anymore, but on the otherhand, it makes him feel proud that he can pay for and look after his family, so it depends... just loosen up and live in the moment :)

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 07/04/2015 15:42

My IL's take SIL and her bf out for lunch every Sunday as they live close to each other (both in a different country to us). They also have them round for dinner once a week. They take us out for lunch once or twice a year when they visit us. SIL has a flat and car provided by her company and is much better off than us. That's life.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/04/2015 15:46

I agree, hats off to your dh, why should Fil pay all the time, never assume anything! You do sound a bit jealous of your SIL.

mumeeee · 07/04/2015 15:49

YABU your DH offered to pay half your FIL didn't expect him to. You agreed to go to that restaurant when you thought your FIL was paying so in my opinion you were being entitled then. When MIL wants to take us out we always try to stay away from expensive restaurants.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 15:51

I think it's odd to offer to pay for half or just yourselves. In our family, we fight over the whole bill. My parents would think it was extremely odd to offer to pay for just ourselves and my DB to pay for himself. Just not how it's done in our family. It's like buying rounds in a pub.

I think the sisters are just in that stage of adjusting because they have been the 'children' and also it sounds as if FIL is quite traditional so they are young and girls so probably not expected to pay for a lot. FGS youngest only just graduated and moved out. I don't think I would have been paying for the whole bill at that point either.

maddy68 · 07/04/2015 15:51

Two desperate issues here
1- the furniture. They clearly wanted new furniture. Not entitled. Just a preference and frankly nothing to do with you
2- the meal. Sounds like your partner knew in advance he was going 1/2s. It's your oh you should be angry with not the sisters who you sound rather jealous of

maddy68 · 07/04/2015 15:57

Separate. Autocorrect fail :)

TedAndLola · 07/04/2015 16:00

This would infuriate me too but I'd be pissed off at my husband, not at the sisters.

Oakmaiden · 07/04/2015 16:03

Am I the only one who read the post where the OP explained that her dh had also agreed that most of the cost of the meal (presumably about £115 out of the £150) would come from his private spending money? And that she was still cross about this, because it would mean him making sacrifices about what he chooses to spend the rest of his money on, and that this will irritate her?

Because I feel this has pushed her over into entirely unreasonable. Her husband chose to spend HIS money on treating his sisters/helping his father with a large bill. And that is entirely his own choice.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 17:11

It depends Oak. 'His' money might mean his spending money, which would be fine. It might also mean his paycheck, which could be what he has for rent and bills. If she ends up paying more for basics, it is her business. Although I think you are right and it's the former.

Oakmaiden · 07/04/2015 17:13

After the row he said he'd pay for all but my dinner from his own cash, but it affects me because the less money he has of his own the more I have to hear "I cant take do X because I have no money".

That sounds like his spending money, to me?

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 17:16

It does.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2015 17:17

Unless X = pay rent.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 17:18

I have to hear "I cant take do X because I have no money".

This looks like op was going to write "i cant take you (meaning OP) to X" and then thought better and tried to change it to "i cant do X"

AcrossthePond55 · 07/04/2015 17:23

As I see it, if FiL said something upon seeing the amount of the bill, your DH should have offered to pay for your meals quietly put the word out to his siblings.

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