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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH's sisters are cheap and entitled?

140 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 11:51

DH and I visit his family about once every couple of months. He has 2 younger sisters - both are adults.

The middle sister is getting married very soon and has just bought a house with her fiancé. They have also just bought loads of brand new furniture for it despite grandma giving them loads of stuff (they have binned grandma's sofas and tables etc in favour of brand new ones). Both middle sister and fiancé have decent jobs.

Younger sister has just moved into her first flat with boyfriend. Both have good jobs. Younger sister has only been working for a few months, having graduated from uni last year, so she hasn't been taxed on much of her earnings as yet (never had a job before, so full personal allowance needed to be used up for this financial year).

FIL has a good job, but it's dependent on legal aid so he isn't in the best place financially, but he can still afford most of middle sister's wedding.

So... this weekend we visit and FIL says we should all go to a fave restaurant. It's pricey, but normally when FIL suggests such things, he pays. Anyway, there are 8 of us drinking and eating in an expensive restaurant so the bill is something ludicrous like £300. DH then informs me that we are paying for half of it because FIL isn't doing so well in business due to legal aid cuts.

AIBU to be angry about this? - (1) I don't mind paying for my own dinner, but I wouldn't have picked somewhere so expensive if I had known! (2) neither sister even offered to pay a penny when FIL announced that we had paid half and (3) I wasn't consulted.

I guess I am most annoyed that neither sister or their partners even offered... especially middle sister, who must be the only person in the world who can afford a £10k wedding, insanely expensive honeymoon, to buy a house and to buy brand new furniture all within the space of about 6 months.

OP posts:

straighttothepoint · 07/04/2015 17:23

Your pils are idiots
Your sis are idiots
Your dh is an idiot

You can't control PIL and SILs but you can your dh. Make sure he stops offering to pay for things, or paying in advance and never getting the money.

I have someone in my life who I have cut back on doing nice dinners etc as we get jack shit in return and they have taken the piss too many times to be believed.

MiniTheMinx · 07/04/2015 17:26

This is not the sort of thing I would waste time worrying about. Its a meal, its £150 not the entire months food budget. Besides its nice to be able to treat people.

As for the SiLs, I guess you expect to have a difficult relationship with them, you sure will with your attitude.

They are young, establishing themselves, their father is probably a little bit old fashioned and protective of them. He probably intended to pay the whole bill, but your husband behaved impeccably and offered. Be proud rather than aggrieved. The other men didn't chip in, well think of it this way, your husband is a better person than either of them, so be pleased!

lemonyone · 07/04/2015 17:29

straighttothepoint - at the idea that a wife can "control her husband'. Imagine that being said the other way round, I'd be pretty peeved if my DH thought I was someone to control, rather than to have a rational discussion about things...

Oakmaiden · 07/04/2015 17:34

I assumed the OP missed out a / there, in fairness.

So "I can't take/do X"

MistressDeeCee · 07/04/2015 17:41

Other people's meaness annoys me so, YANBU

However - your DH offered to pay so thats that really - you are saying/thinking what he could have said/done in the 1st place - ie suggested that everyone pays their way

cricketballs · 07/04/2015 17:50

I often laugh when people say they pulled a face at reading a post - but straighttothepoint for the first time ever I did pull a face when I read control your DH

wobblebobblehat · 07/04/2015 17:52

You should be angry with DH. It sounds like FIL paying the bill is normal practice. Do not assume that the sisters are rolling in it. The new furniture could have been bought on credit cards. I know several people who seem to have it all but are actually up to their eyeballs in debt.

In future, don't go out to dinner with them all or offer to pay your share only.

You are sweating the small stuff over this one...

Whatamuckingfuddle · 07/04/2015 17:55

If it was his own money, surely it's his to do with as he wishes? Or is the problem that he's too generous with his money and you feel if he is treating people it should be only you, not you and his sisters?
Unless I've misunderstood and it was shared money, in which case its not his place to spend it without consulting you, either way If FIL always pays then I'm not sure it's 'entitled' of SILs to expect the bill to be covered. Like you did. When you agreed to the 'expensive' restaurant.

Ginmartini · 07/04/2015 18:02

You sound pretty resentful and jealous of your dh's sisters OP. This specific situation had nothing to do with either of them and they did nothing wrong imo.

MoanCollins · 07/04/2015 18:12

This is nothing to do with your SILs and is entirely your DH's fault. My nuclear family are not well off, but my parents are. When we meet up we go out for a meal my parents pay. They know that if they invite us for a meal they will need to pay as we don't have the spare cash to eat out. They do come to my house where I will cook dinner for them about 30% of the time.

My brother earns quite a fair bit. If he were to decide to pay for part of the dinner then I wouldn't be able to say 'Oh well in that case I'll pay for my part as well' because I simply can't afford it. And to be expected to would put me in a really awkward position. In fact I think on the occasions when this has happened my Dad and brother have sorted it out on the sly without me knowing so I wasn't embarrassed.

Your DH should have discussed this with you beforehand and if you weren't happy to do it you should have agreed that. But it's unfair on his sisters to blame them, they went out on the understanding that as normal their father would pick up the bill and on that basis it wasn't something unaffordable to them. To expect that you and your DH can then make a unilateral decision that because you're paying they have to as well is VVVVU and rude. Their home furnishings have nothing to do with it. You don't invite someone out for a free dinner then force them to pay.

popalot · 07/04/2015 18:18

They should have offered to pay their share, I agree with you. Even if someone says they are paying, I always try to offer my share unless they are adamant that they are paying. That's just courtesy. Next time make sure you speak to DH beforehand and see if he'll let them pay their own way from now on....

NorahDentressangle · 07/04/2015 18:31

It sounds like a 'men of the family foot the bill' set up and the Dsis's get off. The FIL has old-fashioned ideas (which DH seems to accept).

justonemoretime2p · 07/04/2015 18:40

Is it worth being so annoyed about £150? Especially since your DH has said he will pay extra out of his pocket.
If I was him and had a row about this on the way home I would be pissed off with you.

laurierf · 07/04/2015 18:42

FIL says we should all go to a fave restaurant. It's pricey, but normally when FIL suggests such things, he pays

That is the family pattern of behaviour and it is what you were expecting.

DH then suggested to your FIL that he wanted to go halves and at the end of the meal without consulting his sisters. You can be annoyed with DH for not consulting you, but not with the sisters. Do they even fully understand FIL's change in financial circumstances?

At least you know for next time - when FIL suggests a family meal, get your DH to discuss FIL's situation and splitting the bill with his siblings beforehand, so that people are more aware of what kind of restaurant they're going to and what they're ordering.

Only1scoop · 07/04/2015 18:45

Sounds like you thought you'd get your usual freebie dinner from fil....

Your DH probably just wanted to treat his family.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 18:48

Honestly, i would just decide that from now on you and DH will cover your own meals and either accept or decline dinner invitations based on whether you can afford it. That way you are paying your way, everyone else can sort themselves out and you arent feeling as if you are subbing anyone else. It also removes that awkward discussion before or during every meal about how its being split. Really it'll make things a lot easier. Dont let FIL insist on paying for you or you will be back in this posituon again at some point because DH will accept it for a while then feel Bad and try to pay.

laurierf · 07/04/2015 18:58

It also removes that awkward discussion before or during every meal about how its being split

but adds in a whole other level of awkwardness and upset - we can't come to the family meal, we can't afford it and no, you're not paying for us, so we're not going to come… the siblings are adults now and the time comes to have these sorts of conversations about parents' changing financial situations and then present a united front - dad, you've treated us so much over the years and now we'd love to take you out and we thought it would be nice to go to x restaurant/have you over to ours etc (when you can share out the costs/courses whatever).

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 19:10

we can't come to the family meal, we can't afford it and no, you're not paying for us, so we're not going to come

Umm, most people dont go for meals they cant afford. Maybe for some its fine to keep on accepting free meals from a man who you know is having financial difficulties but I certainly wouldnt.

the siblings are adults now and the time comes to have these sorts of conversations about parents' changing financial situations and then present a united front - dad, you've treated us so much over the years and now we'd love to take you out

except, OP and her DH dont get to decide what the SILs do with their own money. They can present the idea but they cant enforce it and it will likely breed even more resentment from OP if her SILs refuse. So what then? I guess that leaves OP and her DH just paying for their own as i suggested. Why not just do that anyway, let other adults decide their own financial arrangements for themselves and perhaps when they see OP and DH paying some guilt might appear and urge them to do the same without having been pressured to do it.

Jaredletoisking · 07/04/2015 19:10

Also - why on earth is it ok for FIL to burden DH with it only and for DH to then be the only one who has to worry about it?

Sorry if you've already addressed this but from what you've said the SIL's don't even have a clue about their fathers financial difficulties.

Also you said that FIL always pays for them anyway. You might disagree with that but thats the way they do things and it's their business.

I just can't see what they've done wrong here.

laurierf · 07/04/2015 19:23

most people dont go for meals they can't afford

actually I think lots do if their parents are paying and always have done.

They can present the idea but they cant enforce it and it will likely breed even more resentment from OP if her SILs refuse. So what then?

I wouldn't assume the worst and not even try and broach the subject. I've actually had this very conversation with my siblings a few years ago - it certainly didn't cause a problem… quite the opposite, in fact, as it spurred us into realising our changing roles in the family and thinking and communicating more about future care and how we could best plan for things given our different circumstances.

MadgeFinn · 07/04/2015 19:27

When FIL suggested meal out surely he should have said something like "I want us all to go out for a meal, but I can't pay for everyone this time, you'll all have to pay for your own. Why should this exclude the sisters. It's ridiculous. I'd be fuming about this, especially as one of the sisters sounds such a spendthrift. I blame DH but FIL must also take some blame for this.

laurierf · 07/04/2015 19:31

FIL must also take some blame for this

Why?! Is there any suggestion that FIL went to that restaurant not intending to pick up the whole bill? What did he do other than accept his son's offer to pay half? Even the OP didn't hear the ins and outs of the conversation between them, let alone us.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 19:32

actually I think lots do if their parents are paying and always have done.

You conveniently left out the second part of my post Maybe for some its fine to keep on accepting free meals from a man who you know is having financial difficulties but I certainly wouldnt. the OP and her DH now know FIL is not as well off as he once was, they would indeed be cheap and entitled to carry on as before knowing what they now do. But i suppose there is no law against it.

it certainly didn't cause a problem
Thats great that it worked in your family, however we already know OP is resentful of her SILs and thinks DH is being treated differently, i can see how it would easily be a cause for more tension if they were to suggest to his sisters how they spend their own money, particularly with one trying to pay for a wedding and one having just graduated.

Anyway, i stand by my opinion that life is just a whole lot more pleasant when everyone minds their own business about finances and stops sticking their oar into what others do. I'd never dream of telling my sister that i think she should start paying her way in my parents house now they are approaching pension age. That's between them, regardless of what i pay for myself.

laurierf · 07/04/2015 19:41

Thats great that it worked in your family

Well it did, apart from SIL sticking her oar in… it's a conversation for the OP's DH and his siblings to be having.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 19:46

Well it did, apart from SIL sticking her oar in

see!

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