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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH's sisters are cheap and entitled?

140 replies

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 11:51

DH and I visit his family about once every couple of months. He has 2 younger sisters - both are adults.

The middle sister is getting married very soon and has just bought a house with her fiancé. They have also just bought loads of brand new furniture for it despite grandma giving them loads of stuff (they have binned grandma's sofas and tables etc in favour of brand new ones). Both middle sister and fiancé have decent jobs.

Younger sister has just moved into her first flat with boyfriend. Both have good jobs. Younger sister has only been working for a few months, having graduated from uni last year, so she hasn't been taxed on much of her earnings as yet (never had a job before, so full personal allowance needed to be used up for this financial year).

FIL has a good job, but it's dependent on legal aid so he isn't in the best place financially, but he can still afford most of middle sister's wedding.

So... this weekend we visit and FIL says we should all go to a fave restaurant. It's pricey, but normally when FIL suggests such things, he pays. Anyway, there are 8 of us drinking and eating in an expensive restaurant so the bill is something ludicrous like £300. DH then informs me that we are paying for half of it because FIL isn't doing so well in business due to legal aid cuts.

AIBU to be angry about this? - (1) I don't mind paying for my own dinner, but I wouldn't have picked somewhere so expensive if I had known! (2) neither sister even offered to pay a penny when FIL announced that we had paid half and (3) I wasn't consulted.

I guess I am most annoyed that neither sister or their partners even offered... especially middle sister, who must be the only person in the world who can afford a £10k wedding, insanely expensive honeymoon, to buy a house and to buy brand new furniture all within the space of about 6 months.

OP posts:

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 07/04/2015 12:11

What's this got to do with binning grandma's furniture or not yet paying tax?

tootsietoo · 07/04/2015 12:12

We have this. DH often pays when we are out with his family. They just seem to assume it's his responsibility because he earns the most, including his sister who has a good job too.

I would put this one down to experience, and discuss with DH what the score is for the future, and agree whether you can afford and want to do this thing or not. Maybe your DH wants to do it for them because it makes him feel good? And if so, and you can afford it, maybe it's the right thing to do? Personally I don't think it is, my parents would never let us pay for them (although my bro can be a bit of a tight wad). But going on the principle of "pick your battles" this is one marital battle I choose not to fight!

If you can't afford it, that is a whole different ball game. It's done now, but you need to agree that it can't happen again.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 07/04/2015 12:12

Also think your anger is being directed in the wrong place. Your DH offered, without consulting you. He is the one you should be annoyed at.

Original poster

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:13

LadyGregory - I actually agree. We are far too involved, but only because I have to hear endless spouting about it from DH, SILs, PILs etc. I guess part of the reason it's pissed me off is that I've never given much of it a second thought until now.

Well whether or not its shared cash is pretty much irrelevant. After the row he said he'd pay for all but my dinner from his own cash, but it affects me because the less money he has of his own the more I have to hear "I cant take do X because I have no money".

OP posts:

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 07/04/2015 12:13

FWIW if my DH did the same id say 'how lovely of you. What are you going to sacrifice this month in order to make up for it in our budget'v

PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:13

So if you didn't know about it, what makes you think the sisters did?

FIL didn't burden your DH with it. You said your DH offered. He chose to worry about it, and I think that makes him sound like a nice person tbh. I don't think you should be rowing with him over it, but if you are going to be pissed off with anyone because of the outcome of this meal, then the only person you have a right to be pissed off with is your own DH.

You sound like you have jealousy issues with the sisters for other reasons, and that's clouding your judgement.

TSSDNCOP · 07/04/2015 12:13

You would have happily let FIL pay.

It is my conclusion your DH sounds like a nice man trying to do a good thing, would have been nice to tell you though.

As to the sisters, maybe they'll pay next time after DBro stepped up this time.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 12:14

why on earth is it ok for FIL to burden DH with it only and for DH to then be the only one who has to worry about it?

Because maybe he feels closer to his son than his daughters that is common in families you know! It isnt a law that all family members must know all information that is discussed. For christs sake will you stop pointing the finger at everyone but your DH! Your Dh spent your money. No-one else. Youve happily ate every other meal FIL has paid for until this one and never considered yourself entitled.

Original poster

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:14

Closer - I just didn't want to drip feed and get the old mumsnet staple answer of "well maybe they couldn't afford it". What I was trying to get at was we KNOW they can afford it. Affordability is not in question.

OP posts:

PureMorning · 07/04/2015 12:15

But the sisters in law,like you, didn't know till after.

PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:16

but it affects me because the less money he has of his own the more I have to hear "I cant take do X because I have no money

Again, this is down to your DH, not his sisters.

Original poster

DuchessofCuntbridge · 07/04/2015 12:16

SurlyCue - Without wanting to start another row, we pay for everything when PILs visit us, which is about the same amount as we visit them. So I am don't think I am entitled by having had FIL pay for meals in the past. And for about the 50th time, I had no issue at all about paying for my own and DH's dinner. In fact, we have offered to pay for ourselves a number of times in the past and been refused.

OP posts:

shewept · 07/04/2015 12:17

I find it very odd that you were happy to go to this place when you thought fil was paying but would have gone somewhere else if you knew you were paying, then call The sisters cheap. You all went assuming fil was paying. You went along with it. For some reason dh offered to pay half. Now you are annoyed.

I don't get why because your dh offered to pay half, you feel the MUST do the same. Your dh chose to do this, that does doesn't mean they have to, as well.

You should be annoyed at dh for not consulting you, especially if money is tight. Personally I trust dh not to leave us in the financial shit, so wouldn't be upset if he didn't consult me. I don't run every expenditure by him.

PtolemysNeedle · 07/04/2015 12:18

So why is it that you're directing your anger at the sisters here as if they actively did something wrong this weekend?

19lottie82 · 07/04/2015 12:19

*I don't understand why it was the 2 men who paid and none of the women did.

Is this some kind of macho thing with their/your family?*

From my own experiences this is not uncommon in the slightest.

shewept · 07/04/2015 12:20

Oh and I know far more about my mum and dad than my dbro does. He doesn't have the same relationship with them I do. He has no idea they almost split up last year. My dad knows more about me and dh than my mum, because he is easier to talk to and gives good advice. I always speak to him if I have a problem or am worried. We are close.

Its not unusual to find that dynamic in a family.

Mintyy · 07/04/2015 12:20

I'm not sure I would say "cheap and entitled" exactly, but agree that your sils could have contributed to this meal when they saw that your brother was. It is a wee bit squeaky of them to just sit then and let others take care of it for them.

Did they thank you all very much for your generosity? I should hope so.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 12:20

we pay for everything when PILs visit us, which is about the same amount as we visit them. So I am don't think I am entitled by having had FIL pay for meals in the past.

Well perhaps the sisters pay for things for their parents too that you are unaware of so they dont consider themselves entitled either.

Regardless, YOUR DH paid half the meal without any discussion, they didnt ask him. Your issue is with him.

Mintyy · 07/04/2015 12:21

Sorry, their brother.

SurlyCue · 07/04/2015 12:23

In fact, we have offered to pay for ourselves a number of times in the past and been refused.

Perhaps why sisters didnt offer. I know for a fact (past experiene) my father would be incredibly embarrassed if i were to offer him money towards a meal he paid for.

pictish · 07/04/2015 12:23

Sil and her partner don't have to accept any furniture for their house that they don't like or don't want, even if it's her grandmother's and it's free. It's their house, their taste and their choice. Yabu.

Might have been better for your dh to consult with you, yes. Yanbu.

Maliceaforethought · 07/04/2015 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 07/04/2015 12:25

I still genuinely don't understand why you're annoyed at the sisters and not your DH

Fairenuff · 07/04/2015 12:26

Your dh offered to pay so your problem is with him.

But actually you were happy when your FIL offered to pay (or you thought he was going to offer to pay) yet you are not happy to extend the same generosity and kindness to other members of the family.

Happy to receive but not to give?

Also you could actually speak to the sisters yourself and say as FIL only paid for half the meal, could you chip in and we'll split the rest between the three of us. Or you could ask them to pick up the tab next time you're all out together.

Or you could have just said to your dh 'Oh that was a lovely, kind and thoughtful gesture. We'd better not do it too often though, or find somewhere less expensive to eat'.

Or you could even just be pleased that he offered and you would both feel good about it instead of complaining to him and ruining the (expensive) occasion.

pictish · 07/04/2015 12:28

I don't understand that part either. Your dh offered off his own back so it's bog all to do with his sisters.

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