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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 20:42

We do want them to come to the wedding yes, social services are taking them off their mother if she doesn't wise up, I won't go in to everything but they've given her 26 weeks to sort herself out otherwise they are being taken from her and social services are looking to place them with us. We just want to wait until it's all sorted before planning wedding.

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Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 20:47

Justaquicky....what makes you so sure that we're going to split up? You seem adamant that it's going to happen.

We are very happy

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StarlingMurmuration · 07/04/2015 20:48

That seems like a reasonable reason to me. I wouldn't bother to change my name if I were you, though. You should be able to do the deed pretty soon anyway. Good luck, OP.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 20:48

Thanks starling x

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JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 20:49

You through out all these reason which change like the wind direction as to why. You're so sure you won't split up but it's very likely that you will & Because it's evidently something you've not considered I'm sure his ex thought they weren't going to split up but they did Confused

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 20:53

There were many reasons he split with his ex though.

So you are saying that everyone who's had a relationship in the past and broke up will never be in a relationship that will last ever again? Hmm

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JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 20:57

No I'm saying it's stupid to change your name on the basis "I want us all to share a name and we'll be together forever" Hmm

I wasn't planning on getting pregnant with DC1 but I did if I had given her his name and then changed mine we'd both have a name for a man we don't see and never will. It also means DC2 who's due in June would either have a separate name to everyone else or have another mans name Confused

I was smart gave DC1 my name, Dc2 will also have my name DP can change his name to mine or keep it, but I want all my kids to have the same name and they do.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 21:07

I didn't change my name on the basis that "we'll be together forever" did I? Now you're just being ridiculous. I never said we would never break up ever either, just that I wasn't planning on it.

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Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 21:08

Plus you never answered my question

Why are you so adamant that we are going to split up or "it's likely" as you said. What makes you think that?

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JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 21:10

Nobody plans on breaking up that's the thing.

When doing something as serious as changing your name and naming a child that could influence any potential people in the future I.e including children you may have with someone else then you need to think about these things Hmm

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 21:12

I understand your opinion on me changing my name but not about my son having his dad's name, whether we split up or not he will always be his dad so why shouldn't he have his name?

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JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 21:19

Why should he?

Yes he is always going to be his dad's, you're also always going to be his mother.
Mothers are generally the caregivers, school runs, dentist, GP, Hospital Ect.
Therefore the one making/cancelling/attending appointments with the child.
If you split the likelihood is mothers become the resident parent to the children, dad doesn't
I've know of loads of Dad who in fact just get up and leave not a care in the world. I've never met a mother in my close friendship of wider acquaintances who just leave her kids

It's not a tradition for an unmarried mother to have a difference surname for her child. Tradition for a child of marriage to have parents name yes.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 21:23

Not necessarily always the caregiver, that's rather sexist.

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NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 21:24

But justaquicky by your logic, SOMEONE in a relationship where the parents have different names andchildren with more than one partner is always going to be in that position.
My family is complex to say the least, my dad has children with three different women, my mum with two men and I have stepsiblings. Between us all we have 5 different surnames and you know what? Nobody cares.

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 21:26

Re-read it.

I didn't say always Hmm

NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 21:26

And my mother has my dads surname. They've been divorced for over 30 years, it's been her name longer than her maiden name was. I think shes entitled to it.

Patapouf · 07/04/2015 21:27

We're you expecting to have us all agree with you OP?

I'd rather be honest and horrid than lie and say it's clever/good/brilliant.

If you're going to get married in few years why don't you wait until then? And as for the legal protection being sorted, what happens if you die before then? As PPs have said, we never know what will happen in the future, and you can't assume what will happen will wait until you're married.

It's not sexist, it's statistically accurate. You don't like being told you are wrong and it was a mistake to give you son a name other than your own.

Patapouf · 07/04/2015 21:28

Also, I bet his ex assumed they'd be together forever having had 3 DCs! Are you trying to differentiate yourself from her by taking his name?

TheBuskersDog · 07/04/2015 21:30

JustAQuicky My children are now grown up, I have never shared a surname with them and it has never caused any problems whatsoever despite me being the primary caregiver/point of contact for matters regarding them.

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 21:31

Nowhere did I say it would cause a problem Confused

The he should have his name as "he's always going to be his father" is a shit excuse unless she's suddenly going to stop being his mother one day which is impossible. It's also not tradition ConfusedHmm

TheBuskersDog · 07/04/2015 21:37

So if you don't think it can cause problems why mention all the stuff about GP, hospital etc? I don't understand what point you are trying to make.

NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 21:38

These days, the default thing is for a child to have its fathers surname. It's been that way for my entire life. So maybe not a long tradition, but hardly a weird, unknown thing to do either. I just don't understand why you care?

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 21:45

How on earth do you work out it was a "mistake" to give my son a name other than my own? HE IS HIS FATHER! What makes it right for him to have my name but not his dad's? We are both his parents and equally entitled to give him our name. It was my choice to give him his father's name, certainly not a mistake

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JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 21:47

I've known it to cause problems when travelling.

My family have even been stopped on returning from a holiday as I went through a separate booth with my sister and her husband took my DC! They had managers down and supervisors as he was a different name and my dc were my name. I had to show them my passport to prove I was his mother.

My friends been stopped on leaving the UK and question as she had a different name to the point they told her next time she wouldn't be allowed to travel if she didn't have the BC and a letter from her DC dad. Every Time it's been me and my DC never been stopped.

But as other PP it's not the done thing where others are and certainly not the done thing in my book If you're not married Confused

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 21:50

Most children that I know who have their mothers names are ones who's parents have split up and the mother has changed their name to hers cos she's bitter

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