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Original poster

To change surname

335 replies

ChickenDipper22 · 06/04/2015 21:11

DP and I have been together for almost 2 years and have a 7 and half month old son together. We can't afford to get married yet so are thinking about paying for me to have my surname changed by deed poll to be the same as DP's and DS's. Do you think it's pointless or a nice idea?

OP posts:
MarionHaste · 07/04/2015 19:10

To reply to Littlecaf, for hundreds of years, illegitimate children were recorded in the church baptism register as "John, base-born son of Mary Smith", or similar wording. You couldn't just go around claiming that any man was your child's father, how would that have worked? If a man DID want to claim the child, it was very simple - he married the mother.

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 19:15

So answer me this

If you break up and get together with someone else and have children what are you going to do?

You've changed your name to his for some bizarre reason as well as your Dc1 are you now going to give all subsequent Dc's if they're not his his surname?

Or are you going to have to try and get him to agree to a name change or take it to court and do the same thing all over again?

That is why unmarried mothers should give their children there surnames imo and that's what I've done

shewept · 07/04/2015 19:15

I'm not only name changing for him, I want to have the same name as my son also but I wanted him to have the same name as his father and his brother and sisters, why is that so terrible?

Its not terrible. But if that's so important and you love him, why not get married. Since you can't / won't say why (and that's entirely your right) its difficult to understand why you want to appear married but not actually doing it. You are leaving yourself in the same position his ex is in now. If appearing as a family unit is important as you say and being traditional is important, I just don't get it.

OTheHugeManatee · 07/04/2015 19:19

I think it's odd that you don't just get married. What secret squirrel reason could possibly prevent you, especially as you say neither party is unwilling, you want his surname and you already have a child together.

Confused
JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 19:25

The only reason I could think of If you both want it and nothing else is stopping you is something big like they're related

MaryWestmacott · 07/04/2015 19:26

Op- no, you haven't said he won't marry you, but that's what everyone will think when you explain that you've changed your name but not got married.

Changing your name looks a bit defeatist. Like you don't think you'll get married and really want to be.

(And as pp pointed out, when/if you do get married, it'll sound like your marrying a relation)

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 19:26

We're not related and I'm not planning on breaking up with him.

We will get married in our own time and when the reason that we won't at the moment is sorted out

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 07/04/2015 19:27

OP says they are planning to get married so it can't be that.

Perhaps her OH is serving out a term as a UKIP MEP and she wants to wait till he stands down? Grin

OTheHugeManatee · 07/04/2015 19:29

In any case, changing your name without marriage looks a bit odd and desperate, like you are dreaming of marriage but he won't play ball.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 19:30

But we know that that isn't the case so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks the reason is

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 07/04/2015 19:34

Won't it look strange when your child goes to school and your are Miss X and he is Mr X? It will look like you are related not dating.

I do wonder if either you are related to his ex or she doesn't know you exist hence not getting married now. Given neither for you are married already, not in the army or in prison it doesn't leave many other valid reasons as to why you can't marry now.

Changing your name will come across as playing at being married.

shewept · 07/04/2015 19:36

So why did you want peoples opinions?

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 19:37

I wasn't planning on being it hit by a car

It happens! Hmm

Justusemyname · 07/04/2015 19:37

So why ask anyone their opinion on anything?

Jackiebrambles · 07/04/2015 19:43

I know someone who did this and I just thought it was a bit odd to be honest. They have 3 kids together but are quite young so I assumed they want to have a big 'do' that they can't yet afford.

I do think it's odd though.

NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 19:51

Yes Arsenic at this point I absolutely would phrase it if asked as 'right now we can't get married'.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 19:53

I just wanted to see what other people thought, it's interesting to see other people's opinions but it won't affect my choice. I meant it won't matter if people in real life think that I'm pretending to be married when I'm not, cos it's nothing to do with them why I wanted to do it.

We are definitely not related,and when he goes to school I doubt they'll think that because it's quite a common surname anyway

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBag · 07/04/2015 19:55

Not planning on breaking up with someone is all very well, but they might have other plans.

And as for dying, well - as I mentioned earlier, it happens to us all. Hopefully not until we've had long, happy lives, but it will certainly happen one day.

emmelinelucas · 07/04/2015 19:57
Hmm
AlpacaMyBag · 07/04/2015 19:57

Cross-posted with you OP.

OK you've said your piece, you were just curious to know what others thought and it won't change your mind. Good, now please accept that you are not going to change our minds either Grin.

JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 19:57

Chicken you didn't answer my question though

If and let's face it the man is a selfish lover and has 3 other kids he doesn't see so quite likely what you going to do regarding other children?

Are you actually planning on given them his surname despite them not being his?

No point saying "I don't plan to break up" that's all well done but it's a very likely possibility

NobodyLivesHere · 07/04/2015 20:01

Just to add, I didn't take my DP's name to 'pretend to be married' or anything like that. The thought never crossed my mind. I did it because I don't like 'my' name, I do like his name, it's easier in a practical sense for us all to have the same name (kids school assumed I was Mrs Hisname anyway), and because its what works for us. I have zero desire to get married. Ever. I dont care about being 'seen' as married or unmarried or any of that, I just am bemused people look so deeply into other people's motivations Grin.

Original poster
ChickenDipper22 · 07/04/2015 20:02

I haven't tried to change anyone's minds on anything?

We will be marrying I the next few years so the dying/divorcing/financial thing will be sorted, everyone seems to think I just want to name change and that's it, I'm only name changing in the meantimeHmm

I don't plan to have children with anyone else but if the worst happened and we did break up and I had children with someone else then they would take their father's name also

OP posts:
JustAQuicky · 07/04/2015 20:32

So you I want us all up have the same name only applies to him? Hmm

Because you'll be in the same fiasco once again if you have another

You with an ex boyfriends surname
Kid with ex boyfriends surname
Current boyfriend
Baby with current boyfriends surname Confused

StarlingMurmuration · 07/04/2015 20:38

I bet it's because he wants his other children to come to the wedding, the ones he is battling for access to. Am I right, OP?