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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
horriblesil · 07/04/2015 16:34

There is a local holiday cottage that I can move to and still take children to school. I even get a 10% discount as I am local. It is free too.

I have called social services twice more and they haven't called me (or dh) back. I have followed up each call with an email.

I have looked into private homes for adults with learning difficulties. I'm not finished yet. I will be sending a final list to social services on Thursday if they haven't found anything.

Also, I found out that the guy who attacked my bil has been jailed for it so there are police records. This will show how insecure he is.

OP posts:
TheEggityOddity · 07/04/2015 16:41

Just wanted to add another yanbu and very sorry for you both Flowers

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 16:44

Have you told your DH, 'This needs to be sorted. If you return here on Saturday with your brother, I will leave with the children.'

magimedi · 07/04/2015 16:47

I feel very sorry for you, OP & agree with expat but I would be gone by the time your DH got back with BIL.

I hope you can get this resolved.

KatoPotato · 07/04/2015 16:58

www.craegmoor.co.uk/location-results?postcode=BS31%201HE

Dreadful situation OP, I'm so sorry.

ILovedYouYesterday · 07/04/2015 16:59

I know this wouldn't be ideal but, if dh cannot leave his brother, could he go to his gp (or one in Bristol as a temporary patient) and get signed off with stress for a couple of weeks? He must be stressed up to his eyeballs so this wouldn't be a lie. I was signed off for a fortnight when a family emergency had me having panic attacks at work - I just couldn't do it and my gp was very sympathetic about the situation.

I think your dh will have to be honest with his employers soon. Would there be any chance of some compassionate leave in relation to his mother's illness? Sorry, you've probably thought of that already.

I feel very sorry for your dh, he's stuck in an awful situation. However, dumping his brother onto you is not a solution and you must stay firm.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 17:13

'I know this wouldn't be ideal but, if dh cannot leave his brother, could he go to his gp (or one in Bristol as a temporary patient) and get signed off with stress for a couple of weeks? '

Thing is, the longer he stays, the less SS will do. And it sounds like he might be self-employed, which may mean no pay. He is already not being paid.

Original poster
horriblesil · 07/04/2015 17:21

dh isn't self employed but he is very senior so to sign off with stress would be really bad for his career. I am happy to support him and work as a team in sorting out something for his brother - although not to move in here.

He can't take unpaid leave anymore, we can't afford it.

He needs to leave and if social services don't give him a home place and leave him alone overnight, I will call the police on that first night saying there is a care issue.

OP posts:
Box5883284322679964228 · 07/04/2015 17:21

The best sores example is very sad but a complete extreme. There are many successful placements I know of.

Box5883284322679964228 · 07/04/2015 17:24

An advocate for BIL would be good. Yes he won't be able to choose to live with you or have DH live with him but he will be able to make other choices.

Box5883284322679964228 · 07/04/2015 17:30

If they leave him there with no overnight or daytime care, make sure he has the number for the police and also the on duty emergency SS number. BIL must call the on duty ss number if unable to cope.

MistressDeeCee · 07/04/2015 17:34

Your DH has just lost his father, is on the verge of losing his mother, and has his brother to worry about too. In this instance I think you just have to cut him some slack - he is your partner and thats a helluva lot for him to contend with right now. The poor man must be breaking up inside.

In your shoes I would look after his brother BUT with the proviso that I had help to do so - whether thats a home help/care hired to come in for a few times a week..and a cleaner.

UncertainSmile · 07/04/2015 17:36

Mistress, I'm sorry but you cannot ask the OP to do that; it's just not fair.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 17:40

'In your shoes I would look after his brother BUT with the proviso that I had help to do so - whether thats a home help/care hired to come in for a few times a week..and a cleaner.'

And be stuck with the brother forever.

NFW is it advisable fro the OP to do this.

From the sounds of it, too, they cannot afford such hired help.

They also have a child with SN.

I get it, OP. My child has ASD. Sometimes it's really, really hard. I'm a bereaved parent, too. My emotional headspace is maxed out.

Maryz · 07/04/2015 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsADinosaur · 07/04/2015 17:41

I don't think it's fair either, it's still the OP becoming a carer, what about her DC? Or what about her just not wanting to. The DB has already tried to bite a social worker coming into his home, and that's an environment he's familiar with.

HelenaDove · 07/04/2015 17:46

Can i just point out that SS are also being hypocrites here. I take it they know that he once bit a carers fingers.

So would SS just shrug their shoulders if he bit the fingers of the DC.

Would SS just shrug their shoulders if OP (and i realise you wouldnt do this OP) bit her childs fingers and this fact came out while the child was at school? I suspect if this happened it would be flagged.

MoanCollins · 07/04/2015 17:49

Horriblesil, having worked in the sector that deals with this sort of thing you are absolutely right. If you take BIL in social services will just dump him with you and decide that he's your problem now. You have been completely upfront always about the fact that you couldn't see him living with you and it's unfair on you and BIL for that to change.

It wouldn't be fair on BIL to be cared for by someone who didn't want to be looking after him and resented him. It wouldn't be fair on your children or you if you missed out on time you wanted to be interacting with each other because you had caring commitments for someone else, particularly if your son with additional needs gets less time and attention in a way which is detrimental to him. Also you had 3 kids with this guy on the understanding that you would never have to take on caring responsibilities for him, he can't turn the table on you now the 3 kids are there.

Given that your BIL is an adult surely living as independently as possible would be preferable? Someone being cared for by someone who really doesn't want to do it is not a good situation at all and it's brave to admit it, don't listen to the people who think you should martyr yourself to this. He would also be better off with people who were professionally trained and knew how to meet his needs rather than a mother of 3 kids who is rushed off her feet and won't be able to do anything other than meet his basic needs, not do anything therapeutic.

Tell your husband to come home and ring social services and tell them he is their problem. If you do that they'll find space soon enough, they're just trying to get you to take him to save money and it's not fair on you or your family.

WheelbarrowWoman · 07/04/2015 17:50

OP, I have no words of wisdom to add. I just want to say you are handling such a difficult situation so well. I hope SS come up with something suitable soon.

HelenaDove · 07/04/2015 17:52

MoanCollins thats an excellent post.

MistressDeeCee · 07/04/2015 17:55

Uncertain - life isn't fair, is it. In OPs shoes I would want to run a mile. But I would help. Its her DH not a random friend..DH has been bereaved, soon to be bereaved again & is worried about his brother, yes he probably isn't thinking rationally but who would, really? In a perfect world this sort of thing would never happen; but when you are part of a family you can't guarantee shit won't happen.

OP isn't wrong for how she feels. But some people are speaking as if DHs situation isn't to be taken into account at all and I think thats a slippery road..none of us know when we may have to go out on a limb for our families, or if we or our DCs may need help one day. I think Id find it hard to look at OH and say no, I will not get involved. Not in these circumstances. So hopefully there can be give and take on both sides as opposed to OP being told to put her foot down in ways that sound pretty dubious for a married couple, to say the least.

Original poster
horriblesil · 07/04/2015 17:58

Dh did try to talk to his parents about this before, lots of times, over many years. They didn't want him in a home whilst they were alive. They knew very well that bil wasn't going to live with his brother and me. Just as I have told dh many times over the years, I had told my in laws too.

I am not sure if they were deliberately planning on putting pressure on me or whether they just didn't think about it at all.

I don't think my dh wants his brother with us. He just doesn't want his brother alone. He knows the reality of having his brother at our home will be that we have no time alone, that he / I can't walk about with no clothes on ever, that there will be no sex on the sofa when the kids are in bed!, that our boys in 1 bedroom will mean fighting and arguments etc.

Like many of you have pointed out, dh will need me to do the caring of his brother whilst he is at work. dh isn't worried about that (me), but he will be worried about how it will affect him when he is home! Strange that!

OP posts:
UncertainSmile · 07/04/2015 17:58

Mistress, it's too easy for you to say that; it's not your situation! The OP has always been open with her husband;her mental health WILL NOT cope with it either. In her situation, I would not let BIL into the house either. I know what SS are like.

Maryz · 07/04/2015 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 07/04/2015 18:00

Mistress would you be saying that if the genders were reversed?