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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
Maryz · 07/04/2015 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
horriblesil · 07/04/2015 18:03

I find all the comments about me supporting my dh by being the main carer for his severely mentally disabled adult brother strange! Somehow I am unsupportive for saying no.

Yet it is perfectly okay for my dh to think bringing his brother home for me to care for. What about him supporting me?

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 07/04/2015 18:03

Glad to hear there is a holiday cottage option. Ideally you want this option never to be needed though - if BIL arrives in the southeast you have lost your chance of getting him housed in the southwest - so ensuring that DH and SS know that you are planning this drastic measure may be enough to prevent it being needed.

OP did you see the homeshare thing I posted previously? It must be a nightmare trying to read the whole thread but it may be a functioning solution if your BIL doesn't need actual bumwiping personal care and I haven't seen anything from you to suggest this wouldn't work - please tell your DH about it?

threegoingonthirty · 07/04/2015 18:06

Most GPs wouldn't sign a sick note for this, as your husband isn't Ill, and as you've said it would be very bad for his career. You're doing the right thing hassling social services and following up each call with an email to make a paper trail. the more nuisance you make of yourself the more likely it is that something will get done.

Original poster
horriblesil · 07/04/2015 18:08

If dh brings bil home with him, I think I will drive bil back to Bristol and drop him off at social services. That way they can't say that he is now out of area! Horrible treating him like a piece of meat, but that is how they are forcing me to act.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 07/04/2015 18:09

horrible SIL there was an article about this very issue in the Feb issue of Red a few months ago. A woman was caring for her MIL while hubby "sloped off to watch sports" and another woman was also TOLD she was going to be caring for a relative.

I had a really detailed post about it on another thread but cant find it now. I was going to copy and paste it in here. Ive tried several searches using loads of key words and STILL cant find it.

Maryz · 07/04/2015 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyCatherineDeTurd · 07/04/2015 18:11

Mistress the problem with 'give and take' is that if OP relents at all, which would presumably involve agreeing for BIL to come to them temporarily, she then does a shit all over the possibility of him being found a placement near his home and life. SS in Bristol would wash their hands, SS in OPs area would put him at the bottom of the priority list while being cared for by family. She, and nobody else, would get lumbered with the caring for months and months at minimum. This isn't a situation that lends itself to a compromise option. It's a nice sentiment, but doesn't match reality.

HelenaDove · 07/04/2015 18:14

Ah i remember now She was told she was going to be caring for her terminally ill MIL by her DH. She had two toddlers and was breast feeding a newborn.

She refused because she knew it would be too much. He moved out and in with his mum in the end and cared for her with the help of NHS carers while he went out to work and moved back in with his wife after the sad death of his mum.

I realise this situ is slightly different but it still paints a picture of how women are the ones expected to step up.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/04/2015 18:24

Hi

A horrid situation OP!

Just to echo others' advice... On no account let BIL leave his area until he has a permanent home... Even if only overnight. The moment anyone suggest any possibilities of somewhere to stay out of area, he will automatically not be a priority for his home authority.

I have seen this happen too many times...

Social services are always very pushed for decent places and money. Any possibilities of familial carers is jumped at!

BitOutOfPractice · 07/04/2015 18:31

Oh OP first of all I'd like to say I feel for you. What a situation to be in

I think we'd all like to think we would say yes in a heartbeat. The reality is that the vast majority of us would find it very very difficult to do in reality

I hope you and your DH can come to an agreement and good luck with getting your BiL placed somewhere fabulous Thanks

CoffeeBeanie · 07/04/2015 18:56

Yet it is perfectly okay for my dh to think bringing his brother home for me to care for. What about him supporting me?

This is why I wrote I would be angry. He's pushing you into the meany role while you have said since before getting married that you would not be able to care for him.

I am amazed at posters who think OP should take the carer role for her dh's sake. Or maybe it is because she is a (almost a) sahm and female?

meercat23 · 07/04/2015 19:17

I can see that most posters here understand exactly why the OP is being anything but unreasonable but for those of you who think she is being unsupportive to her DH and should step in and do what is necessary I would say that from the outside it might look perfectly reasonable to do that, the reality of the situation would be very different.

A couple of years back I offered to have the DH of a friend staying with us while he went through a seven week course of radiotherapy. (Long story of why this was needed and totally off topic here) He wasn't disabled,he was unwell, he took himself into the city for treatment and brought himself back. On paper it was easy and should have been no more trouble than having a house guest for seven weeks would always be. The reality was very different. He was not himself, he wanted to be at home and couldn't be. Our home no longer felt like home and all of our lives were totally disrupted. It was the hardest seven weeks ever and I knew it could only possibly be seven weeks, that there would be an end to it and it was still the hardest seven weeks ever. I am not sorry that we did it but if the same situation presented itself again I would have to think very hard indeed before I made the same offer.

If the OP takes this in even as a temporary measure she will have no idea how long it could go on for. It is likely to turn out to be hard in ways that even she can't envisage at this stage and not just hard for her but for BiL, DH and the DC too.

OP I am so sorry that you are having to fight for what is right for you all but I do believe you are right to fight for it. Taking the SS preferred option wont work for any of you even if it really was temporary.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2015 19:17

'dh isn't worried about that (me), but he will be worried about how it will affect him when he is home! Strange that!'

How selfish. All the more reason, to be firm.

tiggytape · 07/04/2015 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsADinosaur · 07/04/2015 19:39

The OP is being asked to put her life on hold, as that's what it would mean, for potentially years. With what chance of respite? That's never guaranteed for a start. Why is that fair? It isn't. It's completely unfair that her DH wants to put this upon her.

Stripyhoglets · 07/04/2015 19:39

You need a specialist solicitor to advise you on Social services duty to your BIL. You then need a letter sent by the specialist solicitor to the council setting out how they are failing in their duty and threatening to Judicially review the decision not to sort out an emergency placement and send in totally unsuitable care. If BIL had no other relatives, they would have found him somewhere to live by now. You need to get legal, sorry.

Sadit · 07/04/2015 19:57

Hi op, I'm going to say something I would NEVER recommend in normal circs.
If push comes to shove call 999 send him to A&E. Advise the ambulance crew he is at risk. They will complete a vulnerable adult form. The A&E department should contact you. Advise them he is not safe alone and can't go home. They should have access to emergency social services. They can also complete a vulnerable adult form. Become unavailable and curt to the point of rudeness. Only give your contact details. The more they have the more likely they will find a "chink" to send him home.
Like I said I would only advise this in extreme circumstances and this sounds like that kind of situation.
Hope it works out for you. X

lastuseraccount123 · 07/04/2015 20:37

Firstly, to the OP, I'm so sorry about this situation and I think you are doing the right thing.

secondly, I agree with this is a feminist issue. Something similar went on in my own family. When my grandmother was terminally ill, it was expected that my aunt would fly home from the country she was living in and look after her, as she was a nurse/daughter, whereas my father (her son) and my mother, who lived only a few minutes drive away, would do nothing.

My aunt did come home of course but she refused to look after my grandmother. No one had bothered to ask her, they had just assumed. Then my parents had the cheek to blame her because they had to put granny in the hospital.

bananayellow · 07/04/2015 20:41

I think you are supporting your dh.

You are supporting him to make the best long term decision, by pushing him to make a difficult short term decision.

Tell DH this. Very wise words maryz

LuluJakey1 · 07/04/2015 21:24

It sounds hard but I would not take him in to live with you. I have a much older cousin with early dementia and her sister - 18 years younger than her- took her in when their mother died. She was put under pressure by SS until they could find somewhere suitable. She lived in another county to her sister. Twoyears later after two years of fighting with SS, numerous assessments, day centres, respite carers , sister's condition becoming much more agggressive and hard to manage and cousin's children scared of her, she was finally found a place- see below.
SS were awful- highly manipulative and used lots of delaying tactics- adding layer after layer of support to try to mantain her at cousin's. In the end, she had a fall and was admitted to hospital and they just refused to have her back in their house and would not go to the hospital or take part in meetings because they felt under such pressure. At one point they presented her with a list of homes and told her to go and look at them and see what places there were and she had 15 days to find something or could be charged for the hospital bed. The s worker said she would not put her family in any of them but they were all that was available. That was when she walked away.
I think SS are just under so much pressure too that they have to try to keep people out of places. Cousin said no one wanted the responsibility- hospital wanted her out of the bed, S worker wanted her back with cousin and family, SS did not want to find a placement. She does not know who sorted it out eventually. The place she is in is OK- the staff are kind.
Just don't do it- under any circumstances.

HelenaDove · 07/04/2015 21:54

How are things tonight OP?

TenerifeSea · 07/04/2015 21:55

OP, please escalate to the social worker's team manager first thing tomorrow. Things are likely to move more quickly as they hold the purse strings. Please ask the team manager what they are doing to engage in preventative practice in line with the Care Act.

I know you've been given a lot of advice on here and anyone can say any old shit online but I really do know my stuff and I'm willing to do anything I can to help you. Flowers

HelenaDove · 07/04/2015 22:13

lastuser your example shows how ridiculously sexist these assumptions are.

drudgetrudy · 07/04/2015 22:17

Haven't read absolutely all of the thread but YANBU OP.
If you move your BIL to your home even for a short time their is a possibility that Bristol will say that he is now the responsibility of the local authority where you live.
This would be in no-one's interest.
Social Services do do this sort of thing as they are desperately short of resources.
I don't think I'm a horrible person but I would not take this on at all.
You can offer support to your BIL from a distance AFTER the immediate crisis has been sorted.
If you do take on any responsibility now it will be very hard to get any support.

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