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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let bil live with us.

566 replies

horriblesil · 05/04/2015 19:26

I've name changed for this. Please be kind. Not too judgemental.

I have 3 children, not very little, but not teenagers either. I don't work much (I'm a dinner lady at school). Dh has a 'high powered' job in the City so I do all the caring.

My dh has a brother (age 45) who is severely mentally handicapped. He has lived at home with his parents caring for him. However, my fil died 2 months ago and now mil has had a heart attack and is unlikely to survive for much longer. She is in hospital.

In laws live the other side of the country and bil has never been here to visit us, we always go to them. Dh has asked if bil can come and live with us for a while ,whilst he sorts out care for him back on the other side of the country. This care would be state provided, not paid for by us.

The reality is that I will be expected to look after him. He will be under my feet all day as he knows nobody. My sons will need to share bedrooms so he can have his room.

But most importantly, I know that by living with us (albeit temporary) he will not be homeless and the council will not be under any pressure to provide him. We have been warned by other council areas that this is what happens as there are so few care areas.

The temporary basis could easily be 6 months, quite possible a hell of a lot more.

I have said no and dh has gone off his rocker. He said he will never turn his back on his brother and can't see him on the street.

Before we married we were living together for 5 years and I made it very clear that I would never ever have his brother living with us. This was 'a conversation' we had before we married.

My view is that if we don't do anything the council HAVE to get him some kind of care and his situation will be sorted far sooner. Also, he will get care in the area that he knows and will be able to continue going to his social groups that he has been to for years.

OP posts:
SinisterBunnyMonth · 08/04/2015 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Box5883284322679964228 · 08/04/2015 17:59

Well done OP, keep going!

ILovedYouYesterday · 08/04/2015 18:09

Hmm... the message on dh phone... I used to have an lea responsible person for DS2 who used to 'leave messages' on my answer machine. Funny how I never received them and yet the machine always worked perfectly otherwise. This would be after me phoning up to enquire why there had been no progress with my son's statement for weeks etc etc He'd always claim to have left a message for me the week before... yeah right!

Topseyt · 08/04/2015 18:13

Are they deliberately trying to call your husband because they realise that after the death of his Dad, with his mother terminally ill and the crisis over his brother he is rather vulnerable himself right now? I'm not trying to suggest that he isn't normally a very capable man, just that the cynic in me thinks that in his circumstances SS may think that they have a chance of making him cave if they "conveniently ignore / forget" the message about only using you as the point of contact.

Keep strong. It probably will go to the wire, unfortunately. Don't blink.

I recall when my BIL was having severe MH problems. MIL could no longer cope with having him living with her. She actually had to make him homeless on his discharge from a psychiatric ward, so he was delivered straight to the waiting room of the housing office about half an hour before it closed. Not nice having to do that. Not nice at all. Only way though, as she was under huge pressure to have him back. After a fair bit of argy bargy the local authority were forced to find him accommodation that night.

I think MIL's background of having worked all her adult life in the NHS helped her there, as she also had a working knowledge of how Social Services operate. She had had to deal with them in a professional capacity on many occasions.

Keep strong. Hope there is some better news tomorrow.

Slowtrain2dawn · 08/04/2015 18:26

What is your Bil's diagnosis horriblesil? Does he need to be in accomodation that is staffed overnight? Or would he be able to use an on call service if he needed it? Just thinking this may open up more housing solutions? If he is in keynsham the SS department covers Bath and surrounding area so he could be placed anywhere suitable in that area. Bristol is a different authority. The Carers Centre here ( Bath) are very good for advice, although I realise you are not a carer they will have local knowledge. Good luck, it's awful that you have to push it to crisis point to get help.

milkysmum · 08/04/2015 19:28

Can you be clearer about why he needs staff over night? I'm really not clear from any if your posts and it's really for the social worker to make an assessment of whether over night care is required- what would the risks be exactly? What is his diagnosis?

Original poster
horriblesil · 08/04/2015 19:59

Slowtrain and milkysmum - as he has always lived in a family home with his parents he has never been alone overnight. I don't think that he should be alone overnight, I think he needs to be in group living. Staying alone with an on call service is a step too far but some of these options have not been tried.

About 2-3 years ago he was attacked whilst walking his dog. Locally a lot of the youths shout at him and call him a pervert. He isn't a pervert, but because he is different they shout at him... isn't society lovely!

The youth who beat him up was sent to prison but my bil is still extremely scared. They had to get rid of the dog as he wasn't prepared to go out alone and walk it (pil were too infirm to walk the dog). Whenever he goes out he goes with people. The day centre busses pick him up from his front door and drop him off again.

He can't cope with being alone. However, he has never had to cope.

OP posts:
Cheby · 08/04/2015 20:35

OP, I've been reading your thread for a few days, just wanted to wish you well and say that Im sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I think you are doing the right thing to get your BIL care and I agree that it shouldn't have to come to this. I also thin I would feel exactly the same as you in this situation and wouldn't be able to care for him either.

However, Social services are getting a lot of stick here, when the reality is they have only had a few weeks to try to organise something. There really aren't loads of supported living places hanging around, with vacant beds. I have no doubt that they are telling the truth when they say that. They are also very expensive and SS have to ensure they have exhausted all other options (it's a very limited pot of cash and their budgets have been decimated in recent years - I don't work for local government but in a related field and we see the backlash from this all the time).

Your PIL have had decades to organise something for their son and haven't done so. I think they are definitely more to blame for this situation than SS, who are overworked, underfunded and probably at their wits end as well as you are.

milkysmum · 08/04/2015 21:17

I'm sorry to hear about that incident. Some people can be very very cruel and is in no wonder your Bil is now very scared of being alone. I hope he gets allocated a good social worker/ LD nurse who can ensure he has a thorough assessment of his needs to ensure he gets the support package he required, be that in the community or in a residential setting. I do think you might need to prepare yourselves though that just because someone has never been alone at night does not mean he would be assessed as needing night care ( although he might I have no idea based on what you have said). Has anyone discussed him being assess by an OT in regards to his in dependant living skills? To be transparent I work in a related field of mental health and have some experience of commissioning care packages. Learning disabilities is obviously a different specialism though.

HelenaDove · 08/04/2015 21:28

About 2-3 years ago he was attacked whilst walking his dog. Locally a lot of the youths shout at him and call him a pervert. He isn't a pervert, but because he is different they shout at him... isn't society lovely!

The youth who beat him up was sent to prison but my bil is still extremely scared. They had to get rid of the dog as he wasn't prepared to go out alone and walk it (pil were too infirm to walk the dog)

Jesus wept how fucking cruel can people be.

Original poster
horriblesil · 09/04/2015 10:28

Morning. Call made today. Social services have said that they don't have any assisted living places/places in a home, so they are going down the route of having his needs assessed and then having care workers call in on him. Much of the week he is in day care so it will be the weekends and overnight that are the problem.

However, if he stays where he is he has 2 neighbours that come round all the time so that would be company. I don't want him alone, but can't hand on my heart say that he can't cope alone over night, he just hasn't ever had to. He will be lonely - I would too - so home living would be better, but they don't have one.

As for the 3 bed house but only 1 person living there (thank you for that information), I raised this as clearly he can't pay any bedroom tax. The social worker said she will look into this.

My view is that if he is moved to a 1 bed flat, of which there are a few in the area (although I don't know if they are vacant), I am concerned that he won't have his neighbours around and he will end up staying in his flat all alone.

I was very careful not to agree or give any idea that I have agreed to this route. I still said he wasn't capable alone overnight and that he was too scared etc. However, I am not sure whether to fight for him to have assisted living in a home and basically put a gun to their head to get him one. Or let him be moved to a 1 bed flat (eventually) and have people visiting him in the day.

He may be in a home out of area temporarily and then be moved again when one comes up in the Bath/Keynsham area.

He doesn't like strangers. Also, he really would have a massive problem if the people calling in on him are not English - many of these jobs are done by EU immigrants. His parents indoctrined in him that England was being taken over by Europe and he hates being in hospital with staff that can't speak English clearly/well.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 09/04/2015 10:35

OP, even if his parents feel / felt that way about non-English people, I'm sure your BIL will have met plenty of other nationalities at his day centres and other services he has accessed over the years, so it may not be such a shock.

They really haven't done him any favours, his parents, have they?

Original poster
horriblesil · 09/04/2015 10:36

HelenaDove -terrible isn't it. Bil lives in a dreadful area with much of the scum of society. Think Jeremy Kyle land. He used to walk his dog each day and all the youths hanging out would heckle him. This made him very uncomfortable so he started to only walk the dog when it had got dark and the streets were empty.

He is different and there was a local roomer going round that he was a pervert. That roomer came from nowhere, no reason for it, but it came out that he was a pervert or a peeping tom or something.

He was walking at night with the dog and a couple of youths (18+) who decided to beat him up because he was a pervert. It was nasty.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 09/04/2015 15:50

horrible sil Thanks And how terribly sad that he couldnt keep his dog.

ahbollocks · 09/04/2015 19:41

Any news horrible?
Have been keeping fingers crossed for you. I hope if they do move him that its out of jeremy kyleville. His story is incredibly sad.

ahbollocks · 09/04/2015 19:42

And speaking of dogs would he be a candidate for a helper dog? Im sorry I dont know much on the subject but I imagine it would help in regards to his fears at night etc

whitecloud · 09/04/2015 20:46

Speaking as the sil of a learning disabled lady, I am sure you are doing the right thing, putting your family and your own health first. It sounds as if your bil only sees things from his point of view - i.e. he thinks your dh can drop everything and live with him forever - not his fault, but impossible to have living with you. IME many LD people are not able to see other people's points of view or needs and are not very amenable to reason either. That's why they need professional care. I feel for your dh, but his situation is the fault of his parents, who have not made any provision for his brother's future. Also, many people with complex needs like that behave worse with their own family and do not deal with change very well. A move to another part of the country after a double bereavement could be disastrous.

Sadly, IME people who make noble pronouncements about what families should do have no experience and little understanding of the burdens and problems. Thinking of you and hope you get things resolved. The best of luck.

GERTI · 09/04/2015 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thewomaninwhitefluffybunnyears · 09/04/2015 21:24

Another one thinking that you are doing the right thing in a very tricky situation. The system is so wrong.

Slowtrain2dawn · 09/04/2015 21:55

If he will be at home alone, even just whilst in the process of being assessed, social care should be able to provide a community alarm ( like sheltered residents have) that he can press 24/7 to get through to a careline. He may already have one, but just thought I would mention it. There may be a small charge. I think they are called dispersed alarms, and are for those who are alone and vulnerable.

Unexpected · 10/04/2015 13:07

So we are now down to the last half-day for SS to action something for your BIL, before your husband leaves to come home to his family. Has anything happened this morning? Have they called you?

meercat23 · 10/04/2015 13:07

Hoping you are getting some sensible answers from SS today.

UncertainSmile · 10/04/2015 13:09

slowtrain2dawn, I think you and I might have got our usernames from the same source...

Slowtrain2dawn · 10/04/2015 13:30

Uncertainsmile Smile