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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want her playing with my soft toys?

185 replies

MsMarvel · 04/04/2015 17:32

Even though dsd has a room full of soft toys and teddies, she seems to always want to play with mine.

I have a few soft toys that I have a strong sentimental attatchment to. Various gifts from dp, and I really like having the comfort of them.

I really don't like dsd playing with them, and want to tell her to go and get her own and leave mine alone, but it feels really petty, so it always ends up with her playing with them, and me on edge while she has them. I don't even know what I'm expecting to go wrong, but I get really uncomfortable if they ar e being played with.

Am I a horrible horrible person? Dp doesn't see the big deal, and I think he would be annoyed if I actually told her no if she asked to play with them.

OP posts:
TheLastMan · 04/04/2015 18:20

I have some soft toys that I had as a child. They have a sentimental value so the dcs aren't allowed to play with them. They know it and they know they are 'mummy's soft toys'. They've never argued about it.

One big difference with you though is that
1- I've never let play with it. Either you really care about them and they are a no go thing or they aren't. If they are so important, then the answer is NO.
2- I don't have mines on display so the temptation just isn't there.

I'm getting the feeling that your dsd likes to play with them because she knows they are important to you. And, as any child, she is drawn to things that are important when they can get their hands on it. It probably makes her feel very grown up!
I think you will have a very hard time to stop her from playing with them if she has been able to play with them for so long unless you just put them away (in the loft or whatever).

GlitzAndGigglesx · 04/04/2015 18:20

Tell her no if they're so important and buy her her own so she's not bored stiff

mammaof4girls · 04/04/2015 18:22

I have just read all this and the whole weight thing has thrown me sideways. Do people of a certain weight like soft toys?!

Answering your question OP, I think some people have been rather harsh and rude about your question. I know that its soft toys your talking about but if they are special to you then why does it matter what it is? I think some of the responses about keeping them somewhere safe out of sight and reach when dsd is round are a good idea. At 7 I think children definitely understand when you say something isnt for them.

TerryTheGreenHorse · 04/04/2015 18:22

I want to hear the theory, but it sounds like it might be very wrong.

KurriKurri · 04/04/2015 18:22

Well at a guess the theory is going to be ' fat people like teddies' or less likely 'thin people like teddies'. Another guess - it's going to be a theory based on no evidence whatsoever.

I own a dolls house (so also locked into childhood or whatever) and am happy to state that I weigh 9 stone if anyone wants to analyse what that may mean (my height falls within the range 4'6" to 6'2" )

msgrinch · 04/04/2015 18:22

her weight??? Hmm

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2015 18:24

I'm another one who is curious to know the link between soft toys and weight.

FaFoutis · 04/04/2015 18:25

I knew a very very thin woman who liked cuddly toys. She talked in a baby voice to her husband too, aged 50 (he divorced her after buying her a massive cuddly giraffe). Does that fit the theory?

CaspianSea · 04/04/2015 18:27

YANBU. Plenty of adults have attachments to things like soft toys, whether they are gifts from loved one or your own childhood toys. I'm sure most of posters mocking OP have attachments to inanimate objects like clothes, shoes, make-up, gifts from family etc that you wouldn't let a child play with. Just because they are 'toys' doesn't mean OP's stepdaughter has a right to play with them. She's old enough to understand that some toys are special and not hers to touch.

OP I think you need to set some boundaries ASAP or you'll resent her and she will sense it. Just explain to her they are special to you and you like to cuddle them at night or when you feel sad so you'd rather they stay in your room. She'll understand this. Then maybe get a few more soft toys that are yours but you don't mind sharing, so she can still share some of your toys just not the precious ones. This is what I did with my DSD. I also bought her new soft toys quite often and she would choose ones to add to our shared collection as it helped us bond. But as soon as i explained some were extra special to me, she respected this and didn't touch these ones.

strawberrypenguin · 04/04/2015 18:30

I don't think yabu OP. It doesn't matter that they are stuffed toys (and I have a couple too) the fact is that they are yours and you don't want them played with. I don't think it does children any harm to learn that there are some things they can't have/ do because they belong to other people.

VolumniaDedlock · 04/04/2015 18:30

i can't see what's wrong with having teddies
i like a nice jigsaw myself

i guess i'd give you the same advice i give my kids when they have friends round - if you've got special things you don't want other kids playing with, then they need to be out of sight and out of reach for the duration of their visits.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/04/2015 18:33

Tbh, I think you should let them play with them. I think you should tell her that they are precious to you and that she must be very careful and take good care of them. But it would come across as petty and resentful of your dp's daughter to stop her. As a pp said, she probably wants to share them with you either because they belong to you and she looks up to you or feels that you could be a threat to her because of your relationship with her father. In my opinion letting her play with them is a lovely way of building a relationship with her on her own terms. why not play with them with her?

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 04/04/2015 18:36

I've still got the bear I was attached to through childhood, it's stuffed in the back of the wardrobe. I wouldn't show it to the kids as they would want to play with it and it would likely fall to pieces! So I get the sentimental thing, but not why you didn't just put them away in the first place, or at least after the first time she played with them and you realised you didn't like it.

Children always want to play with things they shouldn't so it's not her fault really.

Just put them away when she's with you.

doctorboo · 04/04/2015 18:37

I'd put them up on a shelf out of the way. I have a few things that I don't like my children playing with/touching that are 'mine'.
These include a teddy that's about 30 years old and irreplaceable due to family circs. They're now kept in the wardrobe and that's meant to be out of bounds anyway.
My DH always looks Confused and makes out I'm being petty, but as far as I'm concerned sentimental value is just as important as monetary value and there'd be no way they'd be allowed to touch any of the stuff from his hobbies, so why the Jeff is it ok for them to constantly have/play with my stuff? Where's this mentality come from that kids are allowed to touch/have/play with whatever they like? I wasn't, neither were mosy of my friends and it wasn't the end of the world.

Kampeki · 04/04/2015 18:39

I'm guessing that antumbra has some dodgy theory about anorexic women wanting to be like little girls.

FWIW, I'm quite fat and I'm partial to a nice teddy.

OP, you need to either put the toys away or share them with dsd. It's quite sweet really that she wants to play with them, and at 7, she should be capable of looking after them.

Ledkr · 04/04/2015 18:44

"My name is LEDKR and I am size 16 and not keen on soft toys"

EponasWildDaughter · 04/04/2015 18:45

I've got 3 teddies knocking about in my bedroom. One is from my childhood, one was one of the first things DH bought me (it had a diamond bracelet on it Grin) and the third was one i bought for myself because i couldn't resist him. (a Charlie Bear).

I allow the later 2 to be played with gently by DCs, but the oldest ted is a bit fragile and i keep it up out of the way.

Out of sight, out of mind OP. Just keep the teddies up out of sight for a couple of years and DSD will probably grow out of wanting to play with them anyway.

EponasWildDaughter · 04/04/2015 18:46

Oh, and i'm size 14 ish Grin

Ledkr · 04/04/2015 18:47

Show off Grin

Snoozybird · 04/04/2015 18:48

My DH occasionally buys me soft toys, I keep them on top of a chest of drawers because I enjoy seeing them and remembering the happy times in which they were bought/received.

I think as a step-parent it's especially important to have a sense of things that belong just to you as you're already (quite rightly) having to share/compromise on so much else in your life.

Mandatorymongoose · 04/04/2015 18:55

Hmmmm I got a Steiff bear for Christmas and have lost 2st since then - is there a connection? is this the secret to successful dieting at last? Am I slimming into my bear?

maliaki · 04/04/2015 19:01

I have sentimental soft toys brought on very difficult situations that were nice symbols at the time. I keep them in my room in the cupboard when kids come over. YABU to not keep them out of her way but YANBU to want to keep them yours.

MrsPeterQuill · 04/04/2015 19:07

Bloody hell, there's been some weird, bitchy replies on this thread Hmm

OP, I think people have been thrown by the fact that they're cuddly toys. I don't think you're being unreasonable, just put them away next time she visits. Smile

And how much the OP weighs has got fuck all to do with it.

freshstart24 · 04/04/2015 19:08

DSD has probably been taught to share her toys, for you not to do the same sends a pretty clear negative message.

If they are too precious to share you need to put them out of sight.

HicDraconis · 04/04/2015 19:10

I was going to guess the opposite - that someone who finds comfort in soft toys may also have a comfort eating relationship with food and therefore Antumbra is asking if op is overweight.

However that's all bollocks tbh. If you don't want your dsd playing with your teddies, put them somewhere to which she doesn't have access. Your room with her not allowed in, or a high shelf. If she wants one, say no and point out that she has plenty of her own to play with. I have teddies from my childhood that my children play with and I like to see them loved and slept with again, though.

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