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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "encourage" her to end the pregnancy

143 replies

wemadeit25 · 03/04/2015 23:32

my daughter is 20 and in a relationship with a young man of 21, 3 days ago they found out she was pregnant and he is adamant that he does not want to be a Dad. My daughter is so mixed up understandably as to her next step, she does not want to be a single mum and is thinking he may come round but scared about what will happen if he doesnt. She has asked me what I would do and I have said I will need to think about that one as I dont want to say the wrong thing. I really think she should end the pregnancy as it is unfair to force a person to be a daddy just as it is unfair to force a person to end a pregnancy, but AIBU telling her that I would end it, will I end up the villain here. She will not cope with a baby without her boyfriend as they clearly love each other, part of me thinks it is brave of him to be honest but part of me is fucking fuming that he wont stand by her, I have no idea what to advise her, and keep saying only she can make the decision but she keeps saying my head is saying do it but my heart is saying no, someone please help me to help her.

OP posts:
PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 03/04/2015 23:37

YABU. It is no one's place to "encourage" anyone to make any decision whatsoever regarding their pregnancy.

And in no way is it "unfair" to "force a person to be a daddy" - if someone doesn't want to be a daddy they don't have unsafe sex with someone with whom they don't wish to breed. It is too bloody late to be whinging about it now - he has made a child.

drudgetrudy · 03/04/2015 23:38

This is a situation where she has to make her own decision and you have to support it-all you can do is listen, empathise and direct her to professional counselling. I think that if you try to influence her either way it will come back to bite you. Its difficult when you love her and want to protect her but its absolutely her own decision.
It will help her greatly to know she has your support no matter what.

ThatBloodyWoman · 03/04/2015 23:39

What Pelvic said.

WorraLiberty · 03/04/2015 23:40

Firstly, I think you should be encouraging her in a totally non biased way to come to her own decision (whatever that turns out to be).

Secondly, this man is already a Dad and unless your daughter raped him he was not forced into becoming one...so I really wouldn't fill her head with the idea that it's 'unfair' in some way to continue her pregnancy if she ends up choosing to.

Yes, YWBU if you told her to end it. She needs you to help her to make her own decision and the best way to do that is to throw all the options out there...listen to her...talk to her but most of all please have faith in her.

There are tons of young, single mothers who thought they couldn't cope and they have coped wonderfully, especially with family support...so don't write her off.

Lweji · 03/04/2015 23:42

You can only tell her that you will support her in any decision she makes. It will have to be hers.

If anything point her in the direction of support so that she can voice her fears and concerns and arrive at what is best for herself.

If pushed, I might say not to decide based on whether the relationship will continue or not. He is likely to walk away at any time, as he is not standing by her now. And if she does it to keep him, it will only lead her to resent him.

And don't assume she won't cope with a baby without him. Women have been coping with a lot more for ever.

SonnyJimBob · 03/04/2015 23:42

If you encourage her to have an abortion, and she ends up regretting it, she will resent you for a LIFETIME. She will blame you for her feelings of loss and there will be nothing you can do to fix it. Do NOT do it, even if you believe it is what is best.

Stay strong and supportive. Let her decide.

Ratfinkandbobo · 03/04/2015 23:43

British Pregnancy Advisory Service to discuss options www.bpas.org

Baaaaaaaaaaaa · 03/04/2015 23:44

If he doesn't want to be a daddy he knows where the door is.

In making her decision, she needs to take the dp out of the equation. She needs to decide if she wants this baby (no matter what he says or thinks). If her answer is no, then she knows what she must do. If the answer is yes then she must be prepared for him to walk.

Of course that's only if adoption were never to be considered.

Do NOT encourage your dd to decide either way. Tough as it is, she must decide for herself.

Lweji · 03/04/2015 23:44

BTW, on what is fair on him, if he had unprotected sex or relied on her alone for contraception, then he should have thought that she could get pregnant. He should not use abortion as a contraceptive method.

GraysAnalogy · 03/04/2015 23:45

Just support her. He has no legal obligation to be a dad except financially, so she may have to come to terms with that which may be very hard. Your personal opinion doesn't matter. I know that sounds harsh but it's the way it is. I'm sorry your daughter is in this position. I hope she manages to find a way that's best for her.

CalleighDoodle · 03/04/2015 23:45

Just listen to her. You cant make this decision

StaceyAndTracey · 03/04/2015 23:47

Well if he won't " come round " and she continues the pregnancy , she has three choices

Bring the child up without his support

Place the child for adoption
Have the child brought up by extended family - hers or his

Right now she has these three choices plus a termination .

It's ok to be angry at him for his selfishness . But you need to keep your anger from your daughter . And you also need to keep your opinions to yourself . But I think you knew that.

FWIW lots of mums manage to bring up their kids without a partner they love . If she decided to do this, would she have your support ?

sailoratsea · 03/04/2015 23:49

I was in a similar situation except I was the DD. My M made it very clear that she thought I was being selfish contemplating having the baby as 'I'll end up having to help and I've had enough of bringing up babies' and so on. I terminated. I wanted to keep the baby. Everyone made me feel like I was a massive inconvenience to their life. Now I have children I fully realise the enormity of a termination and I sometimes think about what my M said and how she said it and how I felt. We have never mentioned the topic again and she may think I have forgotten or that it was not that important to me. She would be wrong.
If you advise your DD do it carefully. Choose your words wisely. Make sure she knows it is her you are thinking of.

McFox · 03/04/2015 23:50

Ffs Pelvic, unnecessarily harsh. How do you know they had unsafe sex? Do you live in a world where all contraception is 100% safe, because I certainly don't. The boy has a right to say that he doesn't want to be a father, and no wonder, he's 20 years old.

All you can do is listen and support her decision OP, that's it. Be honest if she asks for your opinion, but make sure that she knows it's her decision alone to make.

riverboat1 · 03/04/2015 23:51

I agree with SonnyJim. Even if it was the best thing for her, if you encourage her towards abortion and she comes to regret it or have trouble getting past it, that could really fuck up your relationship with her, and her own identity and moral conscience. Stay neutral, don't point her towards one or the other.

TelephoneEggGnawingMachine · 03/04/2015 23:51

YABU to encourage her to do anything except think about all the options & consequences, and make her own decision based on that. It's not your body, baby or life. Sorry if that sounds harsh - it isn't meant to. If the father didn't want to be a dad he shouldn't have got her pregnant, it takes two to make a baby.

You need to listen to her/them, and provide as much support as you can.

Feckeggblue · 03/04/2015 23:53

I do recall my mum telling me (much younger than your dd, I think about 16) that if I were to get pregnant at that age she would "support" an abortion. It was something I've always remembered as that's what I would've done and knew that I had her support and that she wouldn't judge me. I wonder if you could communicate this without "encouraging" a termination.

Dont worry about the father, he's long gone and shouldn't factor into her plans

sailoratsea · 03/04/2015 23:54

BTW, I don't mean I wish I had the baby now. I just wish my M had been more supportive instead of telling me and everyone who knew I was pregnant that her life was over. I just mean be supportive. It is important.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2015 23:55

It has to be her decision. Please do be prepared to support her if the boyfriend tries to encourage her to terminate, as well: remind her that it is her body and her choice.

When an unplanned pregnancy occurs and the woman doesn't want to deal with it the way the man wants it dealt with, as far as the man is concerned: tough shit. He has to accept the woman's decision.

TheWhiteRoad · 03/04/2015 23:58

YABU.

It's her decision. Listen to her and support her but do not 'encourage' her to terminate. It is not your baby and it is not your body. She is old enough to make her own choices.

UnderEstherMate · 04/04/2015 00:07

Please don't encourage her to have an abortion. DM done this to me when I was 17 and it destroyed our relationship completely.

Discuss the options with her. What they are, what could end up happening. Sort of weigh up the pros and cons of each and encourage her to make that decision without anyone else's input. That's what my then 16yo friend done for me when my mother wouldn't and I'll never stop loving her for that!

ASAS · 04/04/2015 00:12

If I were you, I'd say nothing to your daughter but lend a listening ear.

If she ends the pregnancy (maybe even otherwise) I'd encourage her to chuck this idiot. Don't want to be a daddy? Best buy some effing condoms then eh?!

MrsBojingles · 04/04/2015 00:19

YABU she needs to make her own choice, if you push her one way or another she might blame you for years to come.

Ratfinkandbobo · 04/04/2015 00:20

Listen to her, direct her to service up thread, support her decision. This has got to be her decision, no one else's, that's why she needs impartitial advice.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 04/04/2015 00:24

Yes direct her towards professional unbiased counselling with your unconditional love and support. If she terminates then cosset and listen to her, if she carries on then research her options.
Good luck.

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