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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To "encourage" her to end the pregnancy

143 replies

wemadeit25 · 03/04/2015 23:32

my daughter is 20 and in a relationship with a young man of 21, 3 days ago they found out she was pregnant and he is adamant that he does not want to be a Dad. My daughter is so mixed up understandably as to her next step, she does not want to be a single mum and is thinking he may come round but scared about what will happen if he doesnt. She has asked me what I would do and I have said I will need to think about that one as I dont want to say the wrong thing. I really think she should end the pregnancy as it is unfair to force a person to be a daddy just as it is unfair to force a person to end a pregnancy, but AIBU telling her that I would end it, will I end up the villain here. She will not cope with a baby without her boyfriend as they clearly love each other, part of me thinks it is brave of him to be honest but part of me is fucking fuming that he wont stand by her, I have no idea what to advise her, and keep saying only she can make the decision but she keeps saying my head is saying do it but my heart is saying no, someone please help me to help her.

OP posts:

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/04/2015 14:11

I really think she should end the pregnancy as it is unfair to force a person to be a daddy just as it is unfair to force a person to end a pregnancy,

sorry - daddy but have un safe sex...this is what happens.

i really dont think you should be encouraging the termination of your grandchild because its father doesnt want to be a daddy.

you should be thinking of the child and your daughter, and her circumstances, even men who want to be fathers, then feck off dont they!

Original poster

wemadeit25 · 07/04/2015 14:13

Please read the whole thread before making a comment, you are not being helpful at all.

OP posts:

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/04/2015 14:15

just read it was food poisoning anyway they are still having sex, accidents happen, tough.

great you have offered to stand by her op.

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 07/04/2015 14:16

x post but I still know, men want to be fathers then leave.

of course they do!

so his thoughts at this moment would be irrelevant to me.

and 20 isnt young.

i hope she is able to make the right decision for her.

Original poster

wemadeit25 · 07/04/2015 14:18

Still not helpful! I am asking for information from someone who actually has some to give me.

OP posts:

UnderEstherMate · 07/04/2015 14:32

Look up a lady called Prymface OP. She blogs for the Telegraph and has a website full of stories from lots of young mothers, many single. Some are a lot younger than your DD but their stories can be similar.

Lweji · 07/04/2015 14:33

I would advise her to look at the single parents boards here, or post herself. It's a harsh reality (I am a single parent now, but only since DS was 6, so not the same as having a baby), but it is also beautiful, and it may depend on how much support you'd be able to give.

Then she could look at benefits advice and contact CAB to ask about financial help.

Finally, you are probably best placed to tell her about how hard it is to deal with a baby.

DixieNormas · 07/04/2015 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 07/04/2015 14:37

Do I get the feeling you really don't want her to end the pregnancy? :)

UnderEstherMate · 07/04/2015 14:37

Here is Prymface's website. There's quite a bit of information on there.

Original poster

wemadeit25 · 07/04/2015 14:54

Lweji, it matters not what I want or not, I just don't want her to be pressured by a company who will be making £600 from this very soon. I need her to know all the options so I can rest easy knowing that my opinion has not come in to any decision she has made. I am thinking more on the financial side re what it is like to be a single parent. I know that every person has different experiences but what I most want to know is are Marie Stopes really pro choice and will they tell her all the options she has when they speak to her, that is all.

OP posts:

candidkate · 07/04/2015 14:54

In regards to OP's daughter I think that instead of focusing on stirring her in any way focus on hard facts. Be honest about motherhood, co-parenting and what it does to to psychologically as opposed to physically. Explain that motherhood isn't for everyone, and not to make rash choices based on what society says a women should be. On the flip side also explain that being 21 and single doesn't make you a bad mom. It's just about being very honest and speaking about things beyond buggies and money. That's just the surface of being a mom.

Moreso than anything you should work on helping them make the choice together as opposed to you putting it on your shoulders. She's old enough (not in a heartless way) to sit with her partner and talk this through. I'm not saying she doesn't deserve support, but what she should do should be a convo for her and her BF only

In regards to the boyfriend /partner his feelings need to be treated with as much care as hers in this instance. They both made this baby and if we really believe in equality we cant brand men as pricks the second they don't want what we want. It's okay to be scared to be a dad . He isn't a bad guy. It takes two to tango but one to carry the baby - funny how a womans choice to have an abortion because she isn't ready to be a mom should never be judged or frowned upon but a bloke who isnt ready and says so is the devil!

if we are equal....we have to equally respect the others decision. Why is the womans choice (whether she considers abortion/adoption/keeping baby) always right but the mans unless he agrees with her always wrong?

That doesn't sound like equality, that sounds like hyperbolic unrealistic "real men support whatever their partner wants" rhetoric. What about "real women"? If he's a prick for not wanting the pregnancy is she a bitch for wanting to go through with it?

Just something to really think about moving forward

Original poster

wemadeit25 · 07/04/2015 15:08

candidkate, i understand everything you are saying and tend to agree on a lot of your points, I will let his parents worry about how he is coping my only concern is my daughter at the moment. Still no advice re the Marie Stopes clinic though!! Thanks anyway.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 07/04/2015 15:15

No idea about the clinic,

With regards to being a single mum. I have been a single mum to DS since he was born, not heard from his father since he was 4 weeks old. Financially it has been tough at times, I was on income support when he was little then decided to go to uni while he was young so lived off the student loan. Your best bet would be to look on a website like entitledto.com (I think it is) and see what they come up with.

Good luck with whatever she decides

candidkate · 07/04/2015 15:22

wemadeit25 I've had a pregnancy scare and called them for advice after having a false positive pregnancy test -
They are very pro choice when you speak to them on the phone - furthermore they do offer services through the NHS. It really isnt about the money with them....perhaps your daughter expressed some things to them that you don't know about and they sent their leaflets accordingly. They spoke to me about adoption...keeping the baby everything.
It is a business like any private service but I assure you they won't pressure her or sell her an abortion as it were. However they do specialise in supporting women plagued by the taboo of abortion so obviously will put more effort into advising and supporting on that front if your daughter has expressed to them privately that's what she is leaning toward.
They also offer post abortion counselling to help you cope for months and months afterwards. They were truly amazing and I've taken the lessons I learned over the phone regarding womanhood, motherhood and abortion with me throughout my life. Ultimatley it doesnt matter what anyone says / does....we don't know how the choices our precious children make will affect them. Some girls keep their embryonic sack (just being as non judgmental as possible....wouldn't want to call it a baby), give birth to a child eventually and both mom and child suffer for it. This is a side to motherhood that no one likes to talk about.....I think we are all well versed in the joys of motherhood to be fair....I think Marie Stopes (rightfully so) offer an alternative to an already socially accepted and promoted view (That everyone should have kids and if you don't want to or aren't ready it shouldnt be a dirty shameful secret / indiscretion ). It may come across as pro abortion but its just confronting a taboo in a unapologetic way if you get me.
Hope that helps xox

Lweji · 07/04/2015 15:24

Marie Stopes is not really about being pro-choice.
It's mainly pro women. As in advising about contraception and giving advice when a woman is pregnant.

You did ask about info from other sources. Not sure why the !! or your clear increasing irritation.

Don't expect that lots of women with particular experience of Stopes phone consultation about pregnancy options are just waiting by the wings to give you advice about this specific point. They will come eventually, though.

My comment about your position in this was mainly because you said previously that you'd have an abortion and in her place would have one. But it's interesting that you are now concerned that she doesn't have enough information about the alternative. It's important here, because her decision may also depend on what level of support you'd be prepared to give her.

Original poster

wemadeit25 · 07/04/2015 15:25

A lot candidkate, thank you.

OP posts:

StaceyAndTracey · 07/04/2015 21:12

There have been lots of posts about being a single parents also about termination of pregnancy . So I'd just like to mention that adoption is also a possible option

Your DD would be able to have some input into the decsion as to who would adopt her baby . She could also meet the adoptive parents and have some ongoing indirect contact ( letters, photos ) , if that's what she wanted

The legal adoption can't take place until the baby is several months old ,so your DD wouldnt have to take the final decision until then.

The adoption agency woudl also interview her Bf and seek his permission. He has the right to object of course, and in that case the court woudl be asked to dispense with his permission .

Buttercupsandaisies · 07/04/2015 21:30

Can I ask why you are looking at paying £600? I had an abortion a couple of years ago via the GP for free. I seen him the Wednesday and took one tablet Friday and the final one Saturday so all done in 3-4 days. Recovery less than 12 hours genuinely.

Regardless of the decision, not everyone regrets an abortion and honestly I rarely even think about it and certainly have no regrets at all. But it's a very personal decision.

Original poster

wemadeit25 · 08/04/2015 10:51

Buttercups, you did well there she has been told there is approximately a 2 - 3 week waiting list and as she has started a new job this week, she does not want to take time off work so needs evening and weekend appointments, no other reason really for paying for it, just we gave her the choice and she just wants it over with as quickly and easily as possible without having to explain to her new employer. I felt from a conversation with them both last night that they are 99% decided that a termination is the way they will go and her Dad and I will do anything to make that easier on my daughter. I have had a lot of different emotions this past week so I cannot imagine what my DD is going through, I am so proud of her strength this past week, she is a beautiful and strong woman and deserves the best.

OP posts:

Marmaladedandelions · 08/04/2015 10:57

Best of luck

I paid privately for a pregnancy to be terminated at Marie Stopes 3 years ago and I have to admit it was not a pleasant experience. Of course, termination never is, but certainly I didn't feel counselled about my decision or guided - it was very much based on 'right, here's the money, make an appointment.'

They also showed me the foetus on the scan - or rather didn't turn it away so I couldn't see it and it was right in front of me so it wasn't as if I deliberately turned my head. That haunted me for some time. (I was nearly 9 weeks, by the way.)

The day itself was rather like a conveyor belt and you don't get any privacy from the other women either which can be distressing.

Don't jump on me - I am NOT saying the OPs daughter shouldn't terminate at all, the opposite in fact, but that Marie Stopes centres are not a soothing pinnacle of pro choice. They are a business and that business is about ending pregnancies, which is hard.

popalot · 08/04/2015 11:06

Your daughter needs to take the lead in this. I think that's why you are finding it all a bit confusing wondering how to support her. She needs to take the steps to find all the information that will help her decide.

As a mother, I do think it's worth saying to her that it's not the end of the world having a baby and you will support her at home before she finds her feet and becomes more independent with baby, if that's what she decides to do.

I think that's your role really, to listen and talk about what support you will give her either way. It is her responsibility to go to Marie Stopes or the doctors or Citizens Advice Bureau to find out about life as a single parent and the benefits. Only she can make the decision so she has to take the steps to get informed.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 08/04/2015 11:29

Prymface is brilliant. I'm not single but I am your DD's age, and my own DD will be 1 on Friday.

I felt like my parents were very strongly suggesting a termination when I told them I was 6 weeks pregnant; we get on great now, my mum was at the birth and they absolutely dote on DD, but it is always in the back of my mind, the slight pressure I felt under to do what they wanted me to do. I understand why they said it - I was right at the start of my second year, and they thought it meant dropping out of uni whereas I'd figured out what I was going to do and would still graduate on time - but it was pressure I didn't need.

I know some people who regret their termination and some who don't; it's impossible to tell how an individual will react.

I know several women in their early 20s who've raised their babies without a partner but with support from family and friends, particularly parents - Family support is so important; we live two hours away from my family and OH's family and it is tough sometimes.

It is really, really difficult being a parent when you're young, but it's not the end of the world - but at the same time, if abortion is what is best for her (and you know it has to be for her, rather than for her boyfriend or for you or anyone else), support her and be there for her through that, which I'm sure you will :)

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 08/04/2015 11:30

Oops sorry, hadn't seen your latest update - glad she seems comfortable with her decision. Wishing you all the best :)

base9 · 08/04/2015 14:25

Glad your DD has made her choice and feels supported. All the best to her.

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