To "encourage" her to end the pregnancy

[wemadeit25]

my daughter is 20 and in a relationship with a young man of 21, 3 days ago they found out she was pregnant and he is adamant that he does not want to be a Dad. My daughter is so mixed up understandably as to her next step, she does not want to be a single mum and is thinking he may come round but scared about what will happen if he doesnt. She has asked me what I would do and I have said I will need to think about that one as I dont want to say the wrong thing. I really think she should end the pregnancy as it is unfair to force a person to be a daddy just as it is unfair to force a person to end a pregnancy, but AIBU telling her that I would end it, will I end up the villain here. She will not cope with a baby without her boyfriend as they clearly love each other, part of me thinks it is brave of him to be honest but part of me is fucking fuming that he wont stand by her, I have no idea what to advise her, and keep saying only she can make the decision but she keeps saying my head is saying do it but my heart is saying no, someone please help me to help her.

Your only job is to support her to come to the best decision for her. Your OP seems to be oddly concerned about the father's rights and feelings and oddly divorced from hers.

FWIW I think her considering the 'worst case' scenario of all the options can help. What if she has an abortion because he and you want her to and she resents you both. What if she keeps the baby and he leaves?

Support her decision, whatever it may be x x

I agree with others that this should be her decision.

However, as her mother with more life experience I think it is imperative that you ensure she is fully appraised of the reality of having the baby and also the reality of terminating.

In terms of the former my view is that if a father makes negative noises at this stage he is not going to be a present father. She cannot at any point think he may "come round".

That's his choice, rightly or wrongly. She needs to make her decision to keep the child based on whether she is happy to do so as a single mother.

Direct her towards independent support, anything else will cause resentment no matter what you do. Much as we want what's best for our children, if they are 20, the decision is very much theirs.

I think your thread title is misleading people op - your Dd has asked what you would do. If you answered that you'd be considering abortion that wouldn't be 'encouraging' her.

I think she sounds in a crappy position. I'd give the bf time, it's only been three days. He may be in shock. As is your daughter I'm sure. (She is rightly considering her options, including abortion, he seems to have decided - that's fine, he is allowed his view)

There is much talk of supporting someone to have a child, personally I think it's fine to support them to abort

If you think your Dd is deciding on having a termination then support her to do that. She may feel shame or judgement, and sort of be seeking your 'permission'

I was the dd once and I'll be forever grateful to my DM who took me for my abortion! Having a baby that young would have been awful.

she will forever blame you whatever you encourage

www.careconfidential.com/

try these they are not just abortion counselors ring them yourself to check first before giving her the number from what i can see they are a pregnancy advice service not just an abortion advice service

she is an adult stand by her decision and support her

I think care confidential are dodgy pro-lifers, aren't they? Wasn't there an expose of their methods? (Including telling young pregnant women all sorts of nonsense about how abortion makes one infertile and/or abusive to future DC)

I think that is the people you've linked to chicken, apologies if I'm wrong, but following your link and reading the page on adoption makes me suspect I am correct.

i was 17 and in a 'fling' when i found out i was pregnant. He didn't want it, his mum offered to pay for a termination. i was just going along with it as i'd never been in that situation before and could see no reasonable way out - dead end relationship, nowhere to live, low paying job etc.... Then i told my mum and dad. They immediately offered support, both emotional and financial in whichever decision i made. They made it clear that i would not be judged and that if i decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, the baby would not want for anything. Up until that point, i had only seen the negatives in continuing, i hadn't admitted how much i wanted my child. My mum and dads support made it possible. My son is now 19 years old, and absolutely adored by me and his grandparents. i am not trying to make you feel guilty for wanting what you feel is best for your daughter, but my son was the making of me, and i break out in a cold sweat when i think of how easily he may not have been. Give your daughter unconditional love and support, whatever decision she makes will be the right one x

A couple of links for info and to look for support
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/abortion.html
www.bpas.org/bpaswoman

Care Confidential are anti abortion.

'I really think she should end the pregnancy as it is unfair to force a person to be a daddy just as it is unfair to force a person to end a pregnancy'

That makes no sense. You are saying that if the father doesn't want the pregnancy to continue it should be ended and if the mother wants it to continue it shouldn't be ended. So what happens in that situation?

He doesn't want to be A dad! Well maybe be should ha d thought of that before he dipped his wick . Also before The government slag off and downcry singles mothers they want to be brave enough and target the so called men who walk away.
On to you. How can you possibly want her to end your grandchilds life.
Yabvvvvvvvvvu.

Fwiw Care Confidential are not "dodgy pro lifers"

Op, Don't encourage your dd to abort. Just let her talk it through with you.

If she's saying her heart is telling her don't abort then I would be very wary of pushing her that way. She will resent you. She has to make up her own mind and if she chooses head over heart and not to go ahead with the pregnancy she needs to feel that was her own wish to do that.

It's a very tough decision and I feel for your DD.

Fwiw Care Confidential are not "dodgy pro lifers"

So they aren't the pro-life organisation who were caught using extremely dodgy 'counselling' methods and telling egregious lies to vulnerable young pregnant women, then Diane?

Oh yes they were.

Thankfully Lweji has flagged up sources of reputable, professional support.

I think it's a good sign that she felt able to open up to you. I announced my pregnancy at 18 to my dad when I was 7 months gone because I knew what his reaction would be. "When are you getting rid of it?" "I'm not." "Get out" and that was the end of our relationship. Don't try and encourage her to do anything she is a grown woman with her own mind. I knew mentally I'd never cope with a termination. It's certainly not a decision to be taken lightly

It's really not that young to have a child. I'm sure she can step up and figure it out. Maybe she doesn't need you making her doubt her abilities.

My children both know that I am pro-choice and also that I think having a child very young and outside of a solid relationship is (in general) a bad idea. I've told ds that if he got a girl pregnant it would be fundamentally her choice what to do and not his and that he would have to deal with that (with our support of course), and provide financial and emotional support as that child grows up. As a result he is currently saying he will never have sex (he is coming up 16).

If dd got pregnant (she is currently 14 so it's possible although unlikely right now) I would want to steer her toward an abortion, but would make it very clear that it would be her choice entirely and we would support her 100% in caring for a child if she had one (although that wouldn't include looking after a baby all the time for her).

Having said that I would have no problem telling her what I would do if I was in her position, and I would be honest. My rationale would the effect on her life, not the reluctant fathers though. I'd talk about how hard it might be to continue with the relationship if he was very unhappy about the baby, and how hard it might be to bring the baby up without a father, but also say that other women do manage and that she would not be alone.

Yes, just support her in getting high quality information about all her options, and offer support no matter what she decides. Her bf's chance to control his fertility ended during the sex act. Now it's all up to her. Biology ain't fair that way. It's a lot of weight on her shoulders and a loss of control for him.

If your dd decides to keep the baby, He will be a dad whether he walks away or not. It is up to him if he is a good dad or a shit one. Only he can decide what sort of man he Is. Your dd needs information on the CSA along with everything else.

Care Confidential are dodgy pro-lifers, for anyone thinking they will get unbiased counseling from them.

I always wonder on threads like these whether all the people saying that it is wrong to encourage the woman to have an abortion are people who see abortion as wrong.

To me it seems clear that a very young woman who has an accidental pregnancy with a man who doesn't want a child should be told that an early abortion is NOT murder, and doesn't need to be a traumatic, harrowing decision. The huge challenge of having a baby and bringing up a child on your own is not something that anyone can really imagine. Also, being a parent is about so much more than the pregnancy, which is only a tiny part of the process, so I do feel that the future father's feelings and commitment are extremely important.

Of course the woman must make up her own mind and no one should coerce her in any way, but if this were my daughter I would be trying to get her to understand how hard it is to be a parent, even if you have a much wanted baby with a fully committed partner and enough money to smooth the way.

clara no. I am absolutely totally and completely pro-choice. Note; choice. It is wrong to encourage anyone to do anything in these circumstances. The only choice is to let the person concerned make her own choices. She won't know the challenges of being a parent but then none of us really do. She's 20, not 15.

I was at 22 in your DDs position so I am doing the 'with the wisdom of hindsight' thing about what I would have liked my DM to do/say then and today I have DC of similar age to yours so I am feeling your dilemma as a mum too. I know I would want to encourage my DD to make what I would think is the right decision for her - but I can also see that what I think would be right might not be best for her in the long run. I simply cannot know. Only she can.

So, in your position - I'd sit her down and say that having thought about it, I strongly believe what I am about to say to her and that I won't change my mind - because she really needs to believe what comes out of your mouth next.

Then I would say - I love her more than anything in the world and I will always want the best for her, which is why I can't tell her what I would do. It's her decision to make alone.

This is/ may be the first major decision she will make as an adult and its a big one but she needs to make it and know that whatever decision she makes you will support 100%.

She may cry, plead and say she doesn't want to hear that from her mum but you must try to stand firm on that.

I would try to use neutral language at all times when discussing each option so as not to give her huge hints which would undermine her coming to her own decision.

Whatever she chooses SHE is the one who needs to be 100% sure she is ok with it as she is the one who will live with it. And to that point her bf's thoughts are now interesting but ultimately irrelevant on this matter.

I would take time to make sure she knows that she needs to separate out the two things (bf & relationship and pregnancy) and deal with each one separately.

1. I am pregnant do I a) want to abort or b) have the baby.

I'd want my DD to feel that which ever she chooses she would have me on her side and that I'd be proud that she made the right decision - for herself.

2. What will happen to my relationship? Answer - who knows but as two adults they will work that out between them whatever decision she makes.

One thing I'd want my DD to think about is that regardless of what decision she makes about this pregnancy the relationship will run the same course over time (they will either stay together or split up, and if they do split over this she can be pretty certain they would have split at some point in the future). That's the truth really and she needs to go into this understanding that adult relationships are full of compromise and contradiction.

Then I'd ask her if she knows where to get independent advice to help her come to her decision. Brook look to be impartial and I like that they offer specific advice for under 25s but I'm not an expert on these sites so maybe your gp can tell you where to suggest.

In the end so long as she makes the decision for herself and is unconditionally supported by you - all will be well.

OP I went to a BPAS clinic for my third pregnancy and they were fantastic at helping me figure out what was best for me. They are impartial and have seen a lot of women through many pregnancies and terminations and I would strongly suggest you get you dd to speak to them. There is no pressure either way to keep or end the pregnancy.
That is what she needs right now, impartial advice from a reliable source. From you, her mum, she needs support. That's all you can do for her, but it will mean everything I'm sure to know you are in her corner no matter what.

I agree that she needs to know that she has your support whichever decision she makes. You write that she says her heart is telling her to keep the baby. That is important because it means that her first instinct isn't termination.
You also say that she and her boyfriend love one another very much. If that is true then he, like you, will support her whatever she decides.
In the end no one can decide but her.
At 20 she isn't a child. She and her boyfriend chose to have unprotected sex so now they have another choice to make and that choice is ,ultimately, your daughter's .

I think you need to put any feelings you have about this to one side and concentrate on how your daughter is feeling. Does she want to have this baby? If she does, it would be wrong to 'encourage' her to do anything else but that.
If she wants to end her pregnancy, then you should of course offer her support.

FWIW, I had my son at 20. Father not interested at all, has never met him or seen me since DS was conceived. I had support from my own parents and family, my son is now 5, doing well at school and is a very happy little boy. I'm back in education and after summer will start a nursing degree.

If I am honest, my son has been the making of me, I had to step up and take care of him instead of being careless and irresponsible- drinking and messing up my career.

Having a child does not mean your daughter's life will be left in tatters, so be there for her whatever she decides she wants to do.