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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "encourage" her to end the pregnancy

143 replies

wemadeit25 · 03/04/2015 23:32

my daughter is 20 and in a relationship with a young man of 21, 3 days ago they found out she was pregnant and he is adamant that he does not want to be a Dad. My daughter is so mixed up understandably as to her next step, she does not want to be a single mum and is thinking he may come round but scared about what will happen if he doesnt. She has asked me what I would do and I have said I will need to think about that one as I dont want to say the wrong thing. I really think she should end the pregnancy as it is unfair to force a person to be a daddy just as it is unfair to force a person to end a pregnancy, but AIBU telling her that I would end it, will I end up the villain here. She will not cope with a baby without her boyfriend as they clearly love each other, part of me thinks it is brave of him to be honest but part of me is fucking fuming that he wont stand by her, I have no idea what to advise her, and keep saying only she can make the decision but she keeps saying my head is saying do it but my heart is saying no, someone please help me to help her.

OP posts:
DianeLockhart · 08/04/2015 22:43

Marmalade I agree with you about marie stopes.

Heartened to hear candid kate had a good experience with them but what she describes is miles away from my encounter with them. I found them very very much an abortion conveyor belt and never discussed other options. They weren't guided by me on this - I talked to them making it extremely clear I was undecided but they still assumed abortion as inevitable outcome.

Anyway all the best to your dd op. I hope all goes well for her and hope she feels comfortable in her choice. It is normal to have some doubts as it's very difficult decision but good if she's feeling clear on what she wants and has support around her.

Missdee2014 · 08/04/2015 22:45

What pelvic said.

Missdee2014 · 08/04/2015 22:45

In very first post. Can't be bothered to read the rest of the replies.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 09/04/2015 01:09

Glad your dd has made her decision, the constant flipping from one decision to the other is torturous.

I got pg at 22 and had the baby. I never thought I could go through with an abortion so felt it was the only choice. However, my dd1 is now nearly 11 and tbh if I had my time again I don't think I would have made the same decision. I know that sounds awful, and don't get me wrong I love her to bits, but knowing what a struggle and a roller coaster life has been since then makes me think I did the wrong thing. She's not had a great childhood and I blame myself terribly for that, even though I know I've always done the best I can in some very difficult situations.

I've since had a termination and, though it certainly wasn't the best day of my life, it was fine. Society can make you feel like you have to feel guilty and ashamed etc, but it's possible to choose not to feel like that. It will do your head in as much as you let it. She will learn from it, and be more careful in future. And my experience of Marie stopes was really good, they were very supportive, professional and caring.

Good luck to your dd, she is lucky she has you and feels able to share it with you and have your support.

FeijoaSundae · 09/04/2015 06:37

People get pregnant, even when they've had safe sex, MissDee, as you'll have seen pointed out, if you'd read the rest of the thread.

And saying you can't bothered to read it when it's clearly a sensitive topic, and the OP may well have changed her position is .. just bizarre.

Laura0806 · 09/04/2015 09:59

I think thats totally right Moominkoala-noone knows how anyone would react. Neither how you will cope bringing up a baby alone or how you will cope long term with the decision to terminate your pregnancy. Im not in your situation OP and I don't know what conversations/agonising has gone on but if it were my dd ( I think-impossible to know in the situation), I would want to sit down and discuss every single thing with her. I would want to make sure she is 100 per cent-I wouldn't care about the boyfriend (sorry but he doesn't have to have the baby or live with the consequences of the decision). I would use the Marie stoppes telephone consultation as one piece of advice not as the 'deciding' thing. WOuld your dd have the baby if her boyfriend wanted it? What Im getting at is is she 100 per cent sure or is she rushing this decision to get it over with and to please her boyfriend? will she end up resenting him and their relationship break down anyway if she terminates as so often does... If she herself is sure then thats fine but I would want to make sure that SHE is......I wouldn't leave it to the stoppes clinic.

Lweji · 09/04/2015 10:13
Lweji · 09/04/2015 10:14

Can't be bothered to read the rest of the replies.

And nobody (particularly the OP) should be arsed to consider your opinion, then.

NancyRaygun · 09/04/2015 10:27

Just wanted to add another perspective: I was your DD at 19 and I went ahead with a termination. I have never regretted it, not even slightly, my mum was supportive, bought flowers and vitamins and cooked me healthy meals to aid my recovery (and comfort me). I can honestly say I felt nothing but giddy relief when it was all over and I hope, and suspect, your daughter will feel the same.

Well done for supporting her, and I hope you can both move on. Contraceptive failures happen: mistakes happen. How you deal with it is a life lesson.

SuggestmeaUsername · 09/04/2015 10:47

She can contact Marie Stopes about her options:-

www.mariestopes.org.uk/women/counselling/pregnancy-counselling

If she decides to keep the baby, her boyfriend will have to support her practically, emotionally, financially. If he did not want a baby, they should have used contraception. Now he has a responsibility whether he likes it or not

The decision about what to do is down to them as adults. You can support her in whatever she decides to do but telling her what you would do if it was you does not sound like a good idea

Lweji · 09/04/2015 10:57

Do RTFT Dear

flora717 · 09/04/2015 12:06

For follow up, having had the D&C after a missed miscarriage. If she does go ahead, be prepared for symptoms of UTI. The procedure doesn't necessarily clear everything out (there's no nice way to put that) so looking at how to manage the physical process of miscarriage might be handy (Personally that's painkillers, heat packs, getting comfy with mags and energy drinks in a room near a bathroom).
She's obviously struggled with this. Best health to her.
It's pretty awful that there's such a long waiting list to contend with. I think whatever direction women come to this support is lacking.

Original poster
wemadeit25 · 09/04/2015 12:34

Thank everyone for you comments, I have taken comfort from most of them and ignored some. My daughter has booked herself in for a surgical termination on Saturday and her boyfriend and I will be taking her, she chose this so it is all done and over as soon as possible. He has been very supportive over the past few days and I am feeling a bit guilty for my initial annoyance at his decision. (Cant say the same for my DH though he feels that his little girl has been put through hell because of him, but I am sure he will come round.) As I have said before my daughter is a very strong woman and will not do anything she doesn't feel is right for her, she has made me very proud this week and I hope she will be back to her happy smiling self soon.Smile

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/04/2015 12:36

I think she should be encouraged to make the decision that is right for her. Not what you would do or what I would do.

Viviennemary · 09/04/2015 12:45

Sorry cross post. I didn't realise a decision has been reached I apologise.

Original poster
wemadeit25 · 13/04/2015 14:42

Just in case anyone wanted an update, my daughter went to Marie Stopes on Saturday with her boyfriend and she was treated very well by all the staff there. She took a lot of comfort from the fact that all the people in the waiting room were just like her and her boyfriend. (I think she expected an episode of Jeremy Kyle!!) She has coped so well with the whole experience and has proven to me that she is a much stronger person than I have ever been or probably will ever be. I was so proud of her on Saturday and her boyfriend for making the right decision for them and not worrying about other peopled what they thought. I would recommend the Marie Stopes clinic to anyone considering their options about termination.

OP posts:
Number3cometome · 13/04/2015 15:52

Glad to hear she is ok and coping with your's and her partners support.

Well done OP, it couldn't have been easy, you clearly did a good job of raising her Flowers

FeijoaSundae · 13/04/2015 21:27

That's great to hear, it will be good to put it all behind you. :)

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