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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To "encourage" her to end the pregnancy

143 replies

wemadeit25 · 03/04/2015 23:32

my daughter is 20 and in a relationship with a young man of 21, 3 days ago they found out she was pregnant and he is adamant that he does not want to be a Dad. My daughter is so mixed up understandably as to her next step, she does not want to be a single mum and is thinking he may come round but scared about what will happen if he doesnt. She has asked me what I would do and I have said I will need to think about that one as I dont want to say the wrong thing. I really think she should end the pregnancy as it is unfair to force a person to be a daddy just as it is unfair to force a person to end a pregnancy, but AIBU telling her that I would end it, will I end up the villain here. She will not cope with a baby without her boyfriend as they clearly love each other, part of me thinks it is brave of him to be honest but part of me is fucking fuming that he wont stand by her, I have no idea what to advise her, and keep saying only she can make the decision but she keeps saying my head is saying do it but my heart is saying no, someone please help me to help her.

OP posts:

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 04/04/2015 09:11

I think it's perfectly fine for the op to express her feelings about the hurt her daughter is feeling. She is also going through emotional stress and it's perfectly right that she picks through that here than in from of her daughter.

One of those emotions is going to be anger at the boyfriend, surely? I bloody would, however rational his decision might be for him.

ItsADinosaur · 04/04/2015 09:16

No he's 21.

Mrsjayy · 04/04/2015 09:24

My mum wanted me to have an abortion at 21 I was ruining my life etc etc I didn't I think you need to say you will support any decisions she makes she is a grown woman you can't encourage her to do anything

base9 · 04/04/2015 09:27

OP is saying she would ideally like her dd to have an abortion, but will.support dd financially and emotionally whatever her choice. The bf is saying 'have an abortion or I walk'. It is not the same message of loving support!

Singleandproud · 04/04/2015 09:30

I was the DD in this scenario, 2nd year of Uni and the contraception failed.

What does she want to do? As soon as I looked at the test I knew I wanted to be a mum to that baby and would do it with or without my parents and bf support.

My boyfriend wasn't interested kicked off that I had ruined his life and I should have an abortion. He now loves DD dearly and whilst we have not been in a relationship and had a couple of years in and out of court finalising contact orders he has a good relationship and sees her regularly.

I was very ill and was admitted to hospital, when I first told my mum she suggested an abortion if I wanted to - she says mostly out of shock than anything. By the end of that evening she and my dad already had plans as to where we would all sleep if I choose to continue with the pregnancy and had to move back home.

My parents were supportive and whilst I could have gone it alone it made the absolute world of difference that I didn't have to. DD is 5 and is the best thing to happen to all of us. Being a single parent can be difficult but at the same time can be amazing. Yes, I spent a few years not working bringing up DD and sometimes money was tight, but now I have a good job, earning enough money that with good budgeting means we can have quite a few extras

spudholes · 04/04/2015 09:33

Honestly, 20 is very young. She will probably end up keeping it anyway op but try to help her consider adoption or termination. It's a difficult decision to make but she needs some words of wisdom to make an informed choice.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 04/04/2015 09:56

I'm on the other side of this. I was young when I first fell pregnant abd wasn't sure what to do. I had an older boyfriend, (actually ex by the time I found out) he was unsure but gave me the option of 'either terminate or raise the child with me, you can't do it alone'. So I asked my mother for advice, bad idea. Even though she had ended up in the exact same situation at my age, and terminated, she spent days guilt tripping me. Should have known better, she was never good at being supportive. The final decision came to me when she threatened to raise it herself. I terminated, had a great friend go with me. My mother then spent weeks having a go at me, anytime I was emotional she'd say 'it's not my fault you got rid of your baby'.

Ultimately, I don't regret what I did. I do regret telling my mum. All I wanted to hear was 'I'll love you and support you either way', I certainly didn't want it used as emotional abuse. So don't 'encourage' her, but say 'deep in your heart, you know the decision, it a tough one but there's no right or wrong here. I'll always support you'.

AliceLidlsWhiteChocolateRabbit · 04/04/2015 09:58

OP your daughter will be best speaking to somebody impartial about her choices, perhaps the BPAS as linked above.

This is something that affects you all but ultimately it is your daughter who will be affected most of all, and she is the only person who gets to decide. And she should get to do that without influence or encouragement.

Carrierpenguin · 04/04/2015 09:58

Well done for supporting her. I'd say it's important she doesn't feel pressure from anyone to act in a particular way and is able to make her own decision.

Abortion may have a lifelong impact on her, so it is better that she makes her own decision and if she would like to keep her baby then it is great that you are supporting her.

flippinada · 04/04/2015 10:07

wemadeit sounds like you are supporting your daughter through a very difficult situation to the best of your ability - that's all you can do. Good luck, to all of you .

prankerwanker · 04/04/2015 10:09

I think you've done the right thing op

As well as what I said earlier Id also agree with a subsequent post by clara

Abortion doesn't have to be this wretched thing that you have to agonise over - it's a great solution to a big problem.

I think on Mumsnet there tends to be a lot of drama about it - 'I regret it' 'I resent my DM/DH for it' 'I cried for days' And of course others who were young mums saying everything will be ok when for many it's been a horrid struggle, with no chance of a relationship for yourself for a long long time.

In reality a lot of us were so pleased we did and fine about it all.

Personally I would hammer home that abortion is safe, quick, not scary and fine to do.

greenfolder · 04/04/2015 10:11

Have you been in that position though? Because if you haven't you really can't say.

I empathise with you. I have a daughter of 20 and one of 17. I have always said to them that if they fell pregnant, we would support them totally but it would be their decision totally. I could not, or would not advise because my 3 children were born into a loving secure marriage. My thoughts are that rationally the sensible thing to do would be to not continue with the pregnancy but equally i have had friend who have done that who have regretted it to an extent it has affected their whole life.

So, i would take a big step away. Make sure she has counselling about it and give support where you can.

AGirlCalledBoB · 04/04/2015 10:20

No you should not be encouraging her to do anything. If she regrets the abortion later she will blame you.

Just tell her you will support her either way and be there for her.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2015 10:26

Abortion is more likely to lead to lasting emotional distress if the pregnant woman is pressured into having one. A woman who terminates an unwanted pregnancy because she really doesn't want to have a baby at that time generally feels fine about it.
A woman who is pressured into not terminating can also suffer lasting emotional distress, of course: having to go through an unwanted pregnancy is a massive, massive, damaging imposition. It literally risks your life. And if the people who bullied you into keeping the baby then expect you to raise it without much support (or with the sort of support that never stops reminding you that the curtailing of your social life, your career and your plans is no more than you deserve for having had sex) then not only are you likely to suffer lasting emotional distress but the kid won't feel too good, either.
It has to be the pregnant woman's choice, and other people just have to suck it up.

claraschu · 04/04/2015 13:35

OP I think you have done the right thing. I wish you and your daughter the very best.

I don't think you should be angry at the man for not wanting a baby right now any more than you would be angry at your daughter if she decides she doesn't want a baby right now. He is just as entitled as she is to not want a baby and to have other plans.

There was an interesting thread a while ago asking people if they had any regrets about having children. The responses were a real mixture, very different from what you usually find on threads like this about unwanted pregnancy.

Lweji · 04/04/2015 13:45

I think you did well, placing the responsibility on her but offering your support regardless, while not "babying" her.

I'm sure we'd all have said something slightly different, but not necessarily better or worse.
And she couldn't ask for a better mother.

prankerwanker
That is your view. For many women, there is a bond with the unborn child, somehow, or a very strong desire to be a parent, that makes the decision to do it very hard.

Lweji · 04/04/2015 13:49

Also, I don't think anyone should "hammer home" anything about abortion, pro or con, as it would feel like pressure either way.
Choosing to have a baby is not the same as choosing not to abort out of fear about abortion.
What this woman is trying to do here is find out if she wants to carry on with the pregnancy or not. To have a baby or not.

FIFIBEBE · 04/04/2015 13:55

CareConfidential ceased to exist yesterday, They did have a helpline but that closed yesterday too. They disaffiliated all crisis pregnancy centres across the country in 2014.

ComfortingCwtch · 04/04/2015 13:58

She has to make her own decision. If anybody else makes it for her then she will have a much, much harder job coming to terms with it.

Nayville · 04/04/2015 13:59

YABU

Lweji · 04/04/2015 14:29

Nayville

What exactly is the OP BU about?
What she said to her DD as in her post at 08:15:38? Or the title?

I think you ABU for not reading the thread. :)

thisisnow · 04/04/2015 15:50

I was in your DDs position a couple of years back and my Mums support was invaluable. She rightly said that she couldn't make the decision for me but she'd be there for me whatever I decided and that's all I needed to hear really. Maybe that's all you need and have said to DD so the rest is up to her. Wishing you and her all the best.

Nayville · 05/04/2015 00:09

my apologies, I was rather vague there

Lweji U to "encourage" dd to end pregnancy, as per title.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 06/04/2015 07:45

You still haven't read the thread then Nayville?

Because it moved on from that pretty quickly and so your comment is less than helpful

Original poster

wemadeit25 · 07/04/2015 14:07

My daughter has booked a telephone consultation with Marie Stopes tomorrow evening, they have sent her a PDF booklet all about abortion but there is nothing about any alternatives, does anyone know of any leaflets I can print her out about what it is like to become a single mother and what she will be entitled to, I feel the Marie Stopes are only giving her one option at the moment. Does anyone have any experience of one of these telephone consultations, will they advise her on ALL the options, are they really PRO - CHOICE?

OP posts:

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