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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Kick Her Out Of My House Immediately?

967 replies

Lilylonglegs · 03/04/2015 12:04

I have the Houseguest from hell.

I was told before she arrived that she was coming for 2 weeks spending a week with another friend and a week with me. I have an 8 month old baby and she has a ten year old son and is pregnant with dc number 2. A day after she arrived she called to say that she has to leave her friend's house as her friend is going on holiday the next day. I thought this was odd as how can you come from a different country to visit someone and they tell you after you have got there that they are going away?

Nevertheless I told her that I wouldn't be around at that time as I hadn't expected her until 5 days later. She u ummmd and Ahhhhed saying that a hotel was too expensive and that she might as well go back to Sweden where she lives. I agreed with her although in the end she booked a hotel and ended up coming to mine a day sooner than arranged which I really was not too pleased with but is better than coming the 5 days earlier.

When she arrived my DC was with her grandmother so I took them out to a restaurant and invited another friend. We had a really good time. The trouble started the next day. She complained that my house was too small, my toilet is too small, there is no room in there for her to change comfortably, my sofa bed is too small and uncomfortable. I don't have any food containers, she doesn't like the type of food I have. The shops in my area don't sell the type of food she likes. I should have shave my daughters hair off to make it grow. My daughter would walk if she was surrounded by more children as her child walked at 7 months, why don't I feed my child salty pasta and on and on and on.

My daughter has a mild cold and she wants me traipsing around with them, even though I have told her my child is my priority and not her. I probably would have made more effort before her inconsiderate ungrateful behaviour.

Now where it gets worse is that she is saying that she doesn't want to go back to Sweden but wants to live in UK permanently. She is meant to leave in a week but claims money is coming to her account from the father of her unborn DC the day before she is due to leave, which she will use to source an apartment.

The problem is how will she find and move into a place in a week and who will rent a room to a single pregnant mother and child? She can't afford anything more than a room. My fear is that she is trying not to leave my house. She says her friend who went on holiday will let her stay for a few months until she finds her feet, but that friend is not due back for another 3 weeks. I've asked her repeatedly where she will go until her friend comes back as she is leaving mine in a week and she just keeps saying "it will work out" oh and I forgot she has already asked me to lend her £300 when she knows that I am only on maternity pay.

Would I be Unreasonable to just tell her to leave now as I don't think I can take much more of this!

OP posts:
puppetpoppet · 03/04/2015 23:28

Permission to go to Germany does not equal permission to go to the UK on holiday, return ticket or not. I've often been stopped at passport control with my dd and have to carry quite a detailed letter from her dad to get through. Please contact the police or other authorities for advice.

Lilylonglegs · 03/04/2015 23:31

She is 4 months but looks further along to me. She says maybe she is carrying twins as she is so big but I suspect she has got the dates wrong. The boy speaks English and I don't have any of her boyfriends/ husbands number.

OP posts:
Lilylonglegs · 03/04/2015 23:33

Zeddy bye bye she has been on my sofa for two days so don't quite think she can be classed as a lodge.

OP posts:
tartyflette · 03/04/2015 23:37

And a lodger would be paying..... Don't think you need to worry too much about that angle.

catzpyjamas · 03/04/2015 23:44

Could you get their numbers from her phone or her son? Are they on Facebook maybe? I'm sure her ex has a right to know his son isn't where he thinks.

TinLizzie · 03/04/2015 23:44

www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home/your-lodgers-tenancy-type

read this... bit scary although I admit to not having read it fully as I'm on my way to bed.

Eggynuff · 03/04/2015 23:44

The boy's father did not give permission for him to come to the uk I see. So he could be wondering where he is. She would need a scan to confirm her dates before she could even consider a termination.

Ratfinkandbobo · 03/04/2015 23:49

If she wants to 'sofa surf' her way round Europe that up to her, but it is not acceptable to drag her poor boy with her. Is there any way you can contact her family in Sweden or his dad via fb? My main concern is the child.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2015 00:35

Abduction isn't the main issue surrounding the child.

The main issue is the lack of a permanent abode, being out of school, being towed around Europe with an unstable mother who is clearly not thinking of his needs at all.

So far they have stayed at three different addresses (?) in the UK, counting tonight, as well as at a hotel, and they have been here for only a few weeks.

The issue here is that the child needs stability that the mother seems unable to provide, and especially that the mother is not in a position to know what sort of people have access to her son as they sofa surf their way around. They may have been lucky so far but lucky is all it is. It seems to me it is only a matter of time before she runs out of friends and is forced to take up the offer of a stranger.

Please call 101 and social services as well as the embassy and see what can be done for this child.

He has a father and as others have mentioned, there are probably even grandparents with whom he would surely be far better off.

Patapouf · 04/04/2015 01:50

How was she applying for citizenship in Germany??

Sounds like a right weirdo, agree with PPs that the boys fathers permission doesn't stretch to the UK.
hope you manage to wash your hands of her and her dramas

KatieKaye · 04/04/2015 04:43

so the boys father gave permission for him to be in Germany, here he was in school.
And she has taken him out of school and out of the country and brought him to the UK.
Does the father know where his son is? or that he has bee removed from school and the counry?
And why has he come to the UK for an abortion? It seems strange to go to a third country for this when Germany allows abortion in the first trimester and Sweden up to 18 weeks.
OP - there are many warning flags regarding this woman and her behaviour.

CheerfulYank · 04/04/2015 05:12

That poor kid :( What a chaotic life.

lougle · 04/04/2015 07:02

Are you taking on board the concerns of posters, OP?

Lucy61 · 04/04/2015 07:16

Op- they're not on 'holiday' and his dad did not give permission for his son to sofa surf Europe. If her relationship in Germany has ended, she should be going back to Sweden. It doesn't sound like there is anything in the uk for her e.g family/ job etc.

FishWithABicycle · 04/04/2015 07:19

It sounds to me as if she is primarily in the UK for an abortion. It's allowed here up to 24 weeks so she's probably beyond the 18 week limit for Germany.

It's a horrible situation but you can't make it your problem OP. There are tens of thousands of horrible situations in the world, it's not your job to resolve them and this one is not any more your problem than any other. This woman is exploiting your good will and kindness and is fully intending to deceive pretty much everyone else she has contact with so is certainly also deceiving you too.

YWNBU to chuck her out. I don't think you should feel obliged to let her stay the full amount of time you previously agreed because she is being a nightmare and you don't have to put up with this.

I would consider, if you feasibly can make it work with your other commitments, offering to let her son stay for up to X days to give her a bit more flexibility to sort herself out. You are then in a position to facilitate returning him to his home country, school and other relatives if her chaotic attempts to change her life spin further out of control.

You will not be able to make her act as a civilised sensible and responsible adult if she isn't one. Don't try.

Lilylonglegs · 04/04/2015 07:27

The father seriously let's her do whatever she wants and she asked before she came if she would need permission to bring him on holiday and I said yes' so she may have a letter, although it wasn't anything we discussed when she got here. At this point she is still on "holiday" staying with friends. She was not initially having an abortion. She only decided this at my house after arguing with boyfriend over text about money and realising that he wasn't going to give her everything she thinks she needs.

They did not come home last night and I'm off out so I'll see them when I see them!

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 04/04/2015 07:29

Since she has been quite unpleasant as a guest YWNBU to cut the invitation to stay short . On the other hand it might be easier to grit your teeth and see the week out so you won't feel any guilt when you have to make her leave which is how it sounds like it will pan out.

Just get on with your own business and don't stress about what happens when she leaves you, if she chooses not to return to Sweden etc etc then that's her choice.

CrystalCove · 04/04/2015 07:38

Don't let her back in or you will never get rid of her.

AmyLeeha · 04/04/2015 07:45

There is a technical case for abduction if she has come to the UK without the 10 yr old's father's explicit consent. If she stays here and the boy's father hasn't agreed to it it definitely is too. It's under The Hague Convention (on child rights or something similar) and it's why separated/divorced parents often need written permission for one to take the child on holiday.

Ignore her, but please call 101 to mention this situation to the police. That boy is having a shitty time (he's hardly deaf, so will be living in this web of lies and unlike you, he can't escape). Social services can't do anything,but the police could if she's not got permission.

There's loads of info online, but this is the UK's pamphlet about it. It's targeted at the parent left behind, but you can see that abduction includes simply TAKING a child abroad without permission, as well as not returning back at the end of a holiday.

I agree with everyone saying don't take on her problems, but this boy has no agency in this situation. Anything that could be done to help him, could make a MASSIVE difference to his life, to what "normal" is for him both now and later.

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/265613/Int_Child_Abduction_1113_AW.pdf

AmyLeeha · 04/04/2015 07:46

link is here

FishWithABicycle · 04/04/2015 07:56

On no account should you accept any money from her whether you call it rent or anything else. If you accept any money from her it may be possible for it to be construed that she is a lodger and it may become more difficult to get rid of her.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/04/2015 08:11

What a horrid situation!

Echoing others - would play hardball - tell her she's leaving... As she was only here for a few days.
In parallel contact the local authorities... Do the minimum to ensure the boy is safe.

I am sure she has relied on the pregnancy/her son to inviegle others into her drama....

I only just avoided a similar predicament myself... I think these people are good at sniffing out people who are kind, and then abuse this kindness.

giraffesCantBunnyHop · 04/04/2015 08:13

bloody hell, nightmare. Did she come back?

Irishhooley · 04/04/2015 08:22

Any update op?

Topseyt · 04/04/2015 08:56

OP already updated that they didn't come back earlier this morning.

Clearly this leech does have other places she can go to scrounge and abuse people's goodwill.

I would still report the situation to the police and SS though, as it is so unusual and the poor boy is at risk here. His twat of a mother seems unable or unwilling to do anything sensible about it.

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