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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my children's estranged half sister wants to see them

311 replies

WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 02/04/2015 18:24

back story very briefly - my dds with DH are 1 and 6. dh has a daughter who is 18, from his first marriage. a few years ago, she decided she didn't want to see dh anymore, and didn't want to see her half sister. (obvs we only had dd1 then).

however she got in contact with me about a year ago, she found me on facebook and we have been chatting occasionally. and she is now asking if she can meet up with me and my dds soon as she would like to get to know them

have told dh and he is not happy about it and has the right arse. basically I think its toys out the pram that she wants to see her sisters but not him

I don't know what to do, I want my girls to know their sister but not to the detriment of dh and me, and also I don't want to risk my dds being potentially hurt. does anyone else have a situation that is anything like this?

OP posts:
flippinada · 03/04/2015 14:33

White you sound lovely and agree with PP that you are handling this very well - I can understand this must be a very difficult situation for you. A meeting on neutral ground sounds like a a good idea.

I'm so sorry to see that your DH is behaving this way. If this is out of character for him then hopefully he will 'come to' and realise he is cutting off his nose to spite his face, if he wants to rebuild a relationship with his eldest DD.

Spotifymuse · 03/04/2015 14:42

You are absolutely doing the right thing by agreeing to meet her. Your DH is being an absolute idiot. I am in a very similar situation, although I am the mum of the child who is refusing contact because of a horribly handled new baby/OW situation. My kids also found out 'through the grapevine' and instead of their dad and OW dealing with it sensitively and with respect for how the children felt, the whole situation imploded horribly.
Contrary to popular MN opinion, I have not influenced, coerced or manipulated my kids in any way but have had to pick up the pieces. I am so sad to see how things have ended up with their dad, but like your husband, he refuses to take responsibility for the devastation he has caused and blames the children. I'm not sure how things will resolve here but I totally admire you for how you are dealing with things.

And shame on the posters who have labelled this child as manipulative and a cunt. Hmm

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 14:42

Thank goodness you're involved!!

Can't dh think beyond his own silly childish emotions and man up. He needs to concentrate on building a better future for him and DSD. The future is at stake!

Original poster
WhiteConverseSkinnyJeans · 03/04/2015 14:43

It's hurting so much that he's treating me like this

He knows it's a trigger for me as my ex used to be like this (emotionally cold and withdrawing affection, silent treatment, passive aggressive stuff)

We are out for the day now. shopping in town. I don't know why he has even come he isn't speaking to anyone apart from dd1.

8 years ago on Easter Sunday we first got together how can the gorgeous loving man I fell in love with be acting like such a cold twatSad

OP posts:
Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 14:47

Can you have some space from him?

flippinada · 03/04/2015 14:52

Yes, he is behaving awfully White. I'm really sorry you are being subjected to this treatment when you've done nothing wrong.

Spotify I agree with your last sentence. it's sad when misogyny is so ingrained that people are describing a young girl that way and don't see anything wrong with it.

MyArksNotReady · 03/04/2015 15:04

I am sure the way your DH is treating you is the very reason his first born wants nothing to do with him. I also think the manipulative one is him. Her Mum must have brought her up well for her to reach out to her younger siblings when they live with an arsehole who hurt her as a child and has tried again.

differentnameforthis · 03/04/2015 15:08

The reason for that is pretty obvious. She has a vagina so it's more her responsibility to nurture and maintain relationships with the people around her (even at 12) than her father's (as an adult). Failure to fulfill her duty sees her called everything you expect and have seen on this thread.

ha!! I had completely forgotten about that!

He is giving me silent treatment and with drawing affection if she is manipulative, no doubt as to who she learnt it from, is there?

Sorry op but your dh is behaving worse than his daughter did at 12! What the hell will he do when your dd do something eh doesn't agree with?

I wonder if his behaviour now is reflective of his behaviour then, if he treated his dd like this, then it really is no wonder she went NC. Perhaps during contact he did this to her too, for some reason or another.

He is only interested in himself & doesn't care about his 3 dc, or you.

Coyoacan · 03/04/2015 15:09

Contrary to popular MN opinion, I have not influenced, coerced or manipulated my kids in any way but have had to pick up the pieces

I sympathise. I was one of the people who referred to this, because I know someone who is like that, but generally children see things for themselves.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/04/2015 15:10

I'd tell him to piss off out of the house and not come back until he has grown the fuck up

You are trying to think of everyone, he is only thinking of himself.

I withdraw any grain of sympathy I had for him.

drudgetrudy · 03/04/2015 15:15

OP-I'm sorry that you are so upset and that he is treating you like this.
Don't let him bully you and ignore it till he comes round.
He is being very rigid and unkind to both you and his daughter.
If this is not his usual personality I hope its because he is hurt and can't express it.
Perhaps soon you will be able to ask him why he's so angry and unforgiving-but not whilst he's sulking.
If you have a big row I daresay he'll blame his daughter but it will be him.
Sounds like he can't accept responsibility for his own mistakes and has to project blame onto someone else. Flowers

Moln · 03/04/2015 16:02

Oh no White becoming clearer why DSD might have distanced herself from her father

I am sorry your husband has revealed himself as an emotionally immature self centred man.

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 16:18

The poor child in effect has been rejected twice. Firstly by her dad having other kids and her not coping. Secondly now, with her father choosing to make her inroads into the new family next to impossible.

Coyoacan · 03/04/2015 16:31

He is being very rigid and unkind to both you and his daughter.

And to your other children as they also have a right to know their sister.

buildmeabuttercup · 03/04/2015 17:17

Is he worried that your dd's will feel differently about him?

Clutterbugsmum · 03/04/2015 17:37

I have showed him this thread and he basically doesn't agree with anyone other than the ones saying his dd is being manipulative He confusing his D with himself.

At the end of the day HE chose not to have a relationship with his 1st daughter when she was 12/13 when you had your dd. Any child that age will react to a parent having another child because they are teenagers, he as a parent should have been a parent not a child.

Ignore him, look after yourself and dd's meet his dd tomorrow and go from there.

LunaMay · 03/04/2015 18:27

Wow people are making a lot of assumptions about the DH here. I think it's easy to say man up when you're not in the situation, why do his feelings not matter? It can be hard to let go of hurt no matter how irrational you know it is.

I would have let them meet at some point for sure but really you knew your DH's feelings on the matter and made a time to meet anyway? I can understand why he would feel upset, why didnt you wait until you had worked it out with him properly?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/04/2015 18:33

In this life you can choose to be right or you can choose to be effective. Your DH wants to be right. If his goal is not to see his DD again but have the warm glow of righteous indignation, long may it keep him warm.

If he wants to see her again and build a relationship, this could be a way to start things.

What is his goal?

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 18:45

His feelings do matter - that's why ops so upset! However how much hurt he felt, he was and still is the adult in the relationship with his DD. She was just a vulnerable and hurt child. If this continues he could easily waste the years away dwelling on negativity.

OP I think your DH needs counselling to help him get past this. He's going to screw up the future if he's not careful.

Box5883284322679964228 · 03/04/2015 18:49

Also his behaviour, doesn't it make you wonder how he will treat your children if they ever do anything major he doesn't approve of? Will he just cut your kids out of the picture? Acceptance and forgiveness are big parts of parenting

Sallystyle · 03/04/2015 19:06

I can see why your husband is upset with you as well.

You have got involved with his daughter who no longer wants to see him (or didn't) and you are going ahead and meeting her knowing he didn't want you to. Therefore, you ignored everything he wanted and decided what was best for his daughter and your children, ignoring his wishes. While you have every right to want your children to know their sister I can see why he feels like you have gone behind his wishes and why that might sting. Although that is not a reason for him to be treating you like crap now.

I hope he can grow up and form a relationship with his daughter or at the very least be happy for your children to. He needs to go counselling or do something to try to get over for sure.

He can't say she is manipulative because quite frankly, he knows fuck all about her.

PtolemysNeedle · 03/04/2015 19:33

I think you have behaved appallingly towards your husband, and I can understand exactly why he doesn't want to be affectionate towards you at the moment.

Your first loyalty should have been to him, and even if you would have been right to eventually see his daughter without his blessing, you have gone about this completely the wrong way.

HagOtheNorth · 03/04/2015 19:41

What a very traditional and somewhat narrow POV Ptolemy.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/04/2015 19:44

I can also see why he is upset (no surprise there), but he is being a dick treating his partner this way.

MyArksNotReady · 03/04/2015 19:46

No. Children should come before any Adult.

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