To be jealous of new female friend

[ABroads]

My DH has recently started up a friendship with a girl he met through a work related conference (they don't work together). She's slightly younger than me but very attractive and single. They have a lot in common and have been meeting for lunches and went for a night out recently. He has been totally open about it and I've seen her messages, which are friendly but usually with a work related twist. I do trust him, but I'm feeling a bit insecure in myself at the moment and frankly jealous that he can have fun lunches and nights out with an attractive girl, without a kid in tow like we usually have.

I'm becoming a horrible jealous and suspicious person and I don't like myself.. But I guess I am jealous and worried about how their relationship will develop.

No, Bathtime, I don't define harm as only actual sex. I know what emotional affairs are and obviously that counts as harm as well. But my friends weren't having emotional affairs with me either. I'm glad you are not the type to get jealous over genuine friendship but honestly, sometimes women do get it wrong and get jealous when they don't need to be.

My friends did not agree that I was a problem and they felt awful about it all. But their girlfriends/partners were upset and they were the priority, so that was that. It doesn't mean their partners were right about us.

You seem determined to paint me as some scarlet woman who fits into some nice little theory you have about this phenomenon, but honestly my friends and I did nothing wrong. I was no different from any guy friend they had.

Anyway I'm only telling this story because there seems to be a sense that if a woman is jealous she should follow her instincts and something must be wrong, I'm just saying sometimes women get it wrong too. I'm not saying they're never right, not at all.

My friends did not agree that I was a problem and they felt awful about it all.

Or so they told you. That's how it usually goes.

"My wife doesn't understand me."

I'm amazed you are prepared to blame women for something that men decided of their own free will.

It doesn't mean their partners were right about us.

About "us"?

It sounds like they were dead right.

Who wants a woman hanging about with your boyfriend who thinks there's an "us"?

You seem determined to paint me as some scarlet woman who fits into some nice little theory you have about this phenomenon

I don't think you sound like a "scarlet woman" (although I have noticed that women who've been dumped by blokes for pissing off their girlfriends like to characterise themselves as being misunderstood in this way).

I think you sound like a fool.

If you had been no different from a guy friend, they'd still be friends with you.

There doesn't have to be an emotional affair for a "friendship" to be threatening. There just has to be a type of exclusivity that isn't typical of non-sexual friendships.

Like I said at the start, I'd buy that you had once come across a very insecure and controlling woman who couldn't bear having you around and managed to have you excised from a social group of which you were a normal part.

But multiple dumpings by different men for the same reason? That sounds like a pattern.

And the way you talk about dating your other friend and his super tolerant and understanding wife rather bears that out TBH.

I wouldn't be happy about it tbh and I don't generally think of myself as a jealous person. I think for me it wouldn't be about not trusting my DH it would be more about the fact that another person was getting "fun" dh, the light hearted, having a good time out with no responsibilities version of dh which OP sounds like she doesn't get to do herself or with DH these days. If DH has time to cultivate a fun new friendship while OP and DH's own social/dating life is in a rut it's obviously heading for trouble. Time to be proactive and speak up and maybe tell your dh that you both need to go out or make time for each other as a priority. Asap.

Four lunches since Feb is a lot. It's a lot of effort to schedule and attend for one particular person if you're busy at work and with family.

I don't think I could find the time to fit one person in so frequently and I work only part time. Unless of course I felt a real need or urgency to fit that person in to my life like I was infatuated or fancied them......

Of course men and women can be friends.

But there are boundaries. Like with any friendship.

This particular friendship sounds time consuming already. How often does your h see his other good friends op? Has he had lunch with them four times since Feb too?

Also does he make the effort with you ? Do you two go out a lot? Have a special time together?

There is something brewing here. It could be an innocent new friendship of course but there's something that needs to be discussed without a doubt.

op? Are you finding this useful?/still there?

Oh Bathtime, give it up. 'I think you sound a fool' -- no, I'm not, really, and you're being very rude. You have a whole script in your head, I'm sorry I don't fit into it, but to insist that I'm wrong and my life is actually what YOU insist it must be is just bonkers.

I have had many friendships with men, then and since, with zero drama. I am honestly not the problem. I don't know why it's so hard to believe that three women over the course of 20 years were unreasonable. Are you new to MN??? There are fuckloads of unreasonable people in the world.

I can't believe how much you read into my use of 'us'. It's a bloody pronoun! You really do seem to have some agenda here or some personal experience that is making you so stubborn.

Anyway, have no desire to further derail the thread (sorry OP! good luck with everything) and or engage with someone so narrow-minded and rude. Think whatever you want, I'm actually laughing at your assumptions here, but if you want to waste your time with it, go on then.

I'd be a bit jealous too OP. Maybe theoretically and as a cold case file you shouldn't be, but still it's only human and perfectly understandable that you'd feel put out by this! Best of luck getting it all sorted..

Perceptive BathtimeFunkster. Well said

Male/Female friendships can work if there is common sense and no crossing of boundaries a person is well aware they shouldn't be crossing, is involved.

Then again, I am cynical about these things at times...for those who are determined to maintain exclusive friendships with someone's DH, blithely explaining away DWs unhappiness and concern with "she's jealous and controlling" I just bet if you made a pass at this friend who is taking time out to spend fun social evenings with you, you wouldn't be rebuffed. & thats the "thrill", isn't it?

The 3rd wheel women who can't admit this dynamic very often exists in opposite sex friendships (that is, those friendships that totally exclude a spouse, never the twain shall meet etc) are in denial of an unkindness they are colluding in.

We're both laughing then.

You've lost three friends for the exact same reason, but you think the problem is "other women"?

The common denominator here is you.

Three friends cutting you off in your lifetime is pretty high, and extraordinarily so when those three all did it for the same reason.

I'm amazed anyone could lose three friends for the same reason and not even consider that part of the problem might be with them.

If you had been dumped by 3 female friends because their best friends didn't like you being around, would you still presume that the problem was with unreasonable women.

Aren't you a feminist? You seem very woman blamey about these choices made freely by men you once knew.

Bath time I think you are being quite insulting to Dream in your answers. You are dismissing her experiences to tell her how it really was without and then have the front to throw in a feminist dig as well?

Gosh this post really struck a chord with a lot of people.. I think it's quite sad how many cynical women there are out there (myself included)..

My DH and I have discussed it (at length). He has agreed to cut her out and not meet her again. To be fair I may have initially portrayed it worse than it was.. There was a genuine work related purpose for their meetings.. She is now a client of his and he works in media, so does take clients out.. Including lunches with just one person.. Male and female!! What struck a chord with me was the over familiar tone of her messages and the night out.. So I explained this and he agreed he would be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed and won't see her again.

Now it's down to me to trust my DH and move on.. I don't believe he would jeopardise our family as he knows there are no 2nd chances in our relationship, and he has lost everything once before (not for cheating).. So that's that. We need to focus on our relationship and I need to deal with my trust issues..

I appreciate all the support..

I think the issue with these women is because they want 'exclusive' friendship and do not include the wife/girlfriend in the friendship. When you are a couple you do tend to go out as groups with shared friends and if one partner is excluded from that, of course they are going to have issues - they may not suspect something is going on, but they will certainly feel that the friend is pushing them out.

I tend to find this can be down to what different generations see as the 'norm'. My DM in her late forties, would never dream of having a male friend, and would lose the rag if my DF had any female friends or even spoke to a woman. However, most of my friends are male, and my DP has a few female friends, this is quite common amongst people our age (mid twenties).

Sorry OP, he fancies her. No bloke wants to be "friends" with an attractive girl. I'm sure he's got enough friends already. Put your foot down or wait for the inevitable. Good luck...

Sorry, only just read your last post, didn't mean to bang on!!

I'm not cynical.

Realistic.

Two different things. No, I don't think all opposite sex friendships are a problem at all. A brand new friendship forged after meeting at a conference then texting and going out? different. (Basing this on the OPs original information gave, not her latest post) And it is naive to think that this situation couldn't cause a problem.

OP I am glad it is sorted.

Excuse bad grammar above!

Hmm, so she is now a client. If I met someone and became their client I would be very, very pissed that the friendly/professional relationship that I had spent a lot of time developing in the last month or so had ended because of a jealous wife.

However, on the other hand....if I was a lying cheating tosser of a man who wanted my wife to feel guilty about me meeting an attractive woman too often, then yeah, I'd say she was a client and I have to do these things to keep her.

Hard call. Maybe you should meet her. It's far too easy to jump to conclusions about a situation if you don't know the person involved (ie her). If you meet her, then you get to use your judgement rather than relying on hearsay from others.

I definitely don't think a woman who objects to her DH going on a night out with a woman for whatever reason is deserving of any jealous label though. I'd be more angry than anything else. It's innapropiate behaviour and wives should never be labelled jealous because they object to it, they just don't want to be treated like a mug.

Glad it got sorted in a sensible way.