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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of new female friend

197 replies

ABroads · 01/04/2015 18:50

My DH has recently started up a friendship with a girl he met through a work related conference (they don't work together). She's slightly younger than me but very attractive and single. They have a lot in common and have been meeting for lunches and went for a night out recently. He has been totally open about it and I've seen her messages, which are friendly but usually with a work related twist. I do trust him, but I'm feeling a bit insecure in myself at the moment and frankly jealous that he can have fun lunches and nights out with an attractive girl, without a kid in tow like we usually have.

I'm becoming a horrible jealous and suspicious person and I don't like myself.. But I guess I am jealous and worried about how their relationship will develop.

OP posts:
ElizabethHoover · 01/04/2015 21:45

5 years. we go out loads together, text often in the evenings. H and I went to his wedding etc

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 21:46

not a new "best friend" then

and your husband went to his wedding

not really the same is it ?

StickledPink · 01/04/2015 21:47

Totally agree with AnyFucker

honeyroar · 01/04/2015 21:50

I would take up his offer to meet her. When you meet her ask her to bring her man round for a meal perhaps, or to meet them for a drink. Let yourself become a real presence for her in her friendship with him. I think the more time you spend with her the more you will know whether it's something or nothing.

I think if your husband still makes it clear in general that he loves you and still takes you out to dinner etc then it can be possible that this is a friendship. But I think it's a bit disrespectful at the moment to be spending so much time with someone you haven't met.

ElizabethHoover · 01/04/2015 21:52

no, i get your point but all relationships start somehwere

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 21:55

that they do, Elizabeth

MrsWolowitz · 01/04/2015 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theQuibbler · 01/04/2015 21:58

Well as it upsets you, even if it is entirely innocent, then he should put an end to it, which it sounds as though he has done ...

You explained it and he said, fine - no more lunches, but you're still worried that he's meeting her behind your back? Do you have reason to be suspicious that is happening or is it jealousy and insecure feelings?

I'm not sure what else you can do if he has already put a stop to it. Find some time to go out together and have some more couple time might be the way forward.

Lavenderice · 01/04/2015 22:00

Considering the amount of people who are saying YANBU then I think that my opinion is pretty much moot here.

However I wouldn't be concerned with this, I have single male friends, my DP has single
female friends. Neither of us are bothered or feel insecure. I would be more interested in what makes you think your DH would stray?

Sallystyle · 01/04/2015 22:31

He met her at a conference. Not really the place where people get to talk to someone well enough to want to take their friendship further is it?

I think Lavenderice, that most people would worry that their husband has the potential to stray in a situation like this. Just read the relationship board or talk to people and you will see how many do end up having affairs which started with 'just good friends'.

And all the people coming on to talk about their male friend? what is your point? No one is doubting you can have friends of the opposite sex. mine were made slowly, from people I have known a long time. Not random men I met at a conference and spoke to for an evening. As a rule it takes me a while to build up friendships and meeting one evening at a conference would never lead to going out for lunch and shit in such a short space of time. Quite an intense friendship for someone you just met at a conference, no?

And she has just started dating someone? sure Hmm

And believe it or not, just because he is upfront about it means nothing. It's not unusual for people having affairs to be upfront about their friendship, it's the other stuff they omit.

lavenderhoney · 01/04/2015 22:51

Unless shes the CEO if some huge media company he is hoping to get a new job at, I can't see why he is meeting with her so much. Doesn't he have anyone else to network with? What is he actually getting professionally out if his many lunches and a dinner with her friends? Bugger all i should think.

Unless your dh is the CEO of a huge media company and she is hoping for a job. Otherwise she's wasting her time isn't she?

lavenderhoney · 01/04/2015 23:13

My last post wasn't overly helpful op, sorry.

Can you arrange your diaries for the next 3-6 months with weekends, dinners, dc commitments, finance plans, and make him feel he's in a team with you? make him sit and discuss what he wants to do with you and as a family. His plans for his family over summer. Not you arrange it and he comes along, iyswim.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 01/04/2015 23:27

Yanbu - would not like this either op
X

MistressDeeCee · 01/04/2015 23:54

I was with my ex for 8 years. He made a good friend at work too. So good in fact that he went off with her. Despite her having been introduced to me, DCs too. I began to feel uneasy about her when he kept mentioning her..which is what led to him introducing her to me. Later down the line he kept saying I was paranoid. But thats life sometimes - if people want to have an affair, then they will

Please don't describe yourself as paranoid, OP. You are not. You know why you have your suspicions.

FWIW 1 of my really good friends is a man, we met via work 20 years ago. We talk on the phone occasionally, meet up for lunch very occasionally but there are no evenings or nights out its never crossed my mind, and he's never suggested it.

Oh yes..my ex also told me his friend was dating someone. What really upset me was, I knew her sister quite well and she was colluding with them as far as Im concerned, by not telling me what was going on. Im glad Im rid of them all now, and have an OH with sense.

None of this or what anyone else says means, your DH is having an affair. But tbh it could develop into an emotional or physical affair. Thats why its best not to tempt fate. Sounds as if you've talked to him and he sees your point, but if you want more reassurance then speak to him again and hopefully you can sort things out. Good luck.

textfan · 02/04/2015 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justonemoretime2p · 02/04/2015 00:03

HOLY SHIT! The amount of people on here saying that he's dating another woman right in front of OP and saying he's having an emotional affair!
Why do you all seem to think another woman is an enemy? To me it looks like he has a working relationship with someone else and op is jealous and it's absolutely fine for op to be jealous.
OP please just talk to him and be honest with how you feel.

Balaboosta · 02/04/2015 00:06

Invite her to have a threesome with you and DH

Nightingalemumoftwo · 02/04/2015 00:20

His behaviour is unacceptable, sorry.

goofygoober · 02/04/2015 00:21

Wait, they don't work together - so how can it be a working relationship? I couldn't handle it when it was a colleague - so no, it's not on. Bloody lunches and fun nights out, he's not single. I stuck my boot in and put an end to it when this scenario reared it's head in the goober household. How would it be if the roles were reversed? Right, I'm just off out with George Clooney for a meal. Have fun looking after the kids. I don't think so. OP, you feel exactly the majority of us do. Flowers

owlborn · 02/04/2015 00:31

I appear to be alone in not really understanding the problem here.

My DH has various friends he goes out for dinner with or spends one on one time with, of both genders. So do I. Unless he's proved to be untrustworthy in the past and has form for being a jerk surely he gets a break. And why does everyone seem to assume that this young attractive woman is gagging to become some married man's bit on the side.

VVU.

Eekaman · 02/04/2015 00:42

No Owl, you are not alone.

Mrs Eek has male friends, I have female friends. We are grown ups and do not automatically assume the worst of everything.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 02/04/2015 00:48

I wouldn't like it. My Dh has female friends but he doesn't go for lunch or drinks with them, just socialises with them in group situations. Does your dh have other female friends? Maybe I'm old fashioned.

MistressDeeCee · 02/04/2015 02:17

All these cool couples with a great need to spend one-on-one time regularly with friends of the opposite sex, nights out etc. You are kidding yourselves, but fooling nobody. There is nearly always an undercurrent, or a vying for position, or flirting wanting to feel wanted by somebody else etc

9 times out of 10 in that sort of dynamic, there is an "unseen" partner somewhere who doesn't much like it, but is being ignored.

I like my manfriend..occasional phone calls and lunches are fine. Evenings out? Thats reserved for my OH or my female friends who I have a lot more in common with, can tell most things etc

Freely admit Im one of those who prefers male company on a night out to be my own OH who I see as my best manfriend, above all others. He is 1st, and if that is uncool or old-fashioned so be it... I do like an uncomplicated life without slewed dynamics

Weebirdie · 02/04/2015 05:12

OP, IM sorry, but I would put money on them not mingling very much with others on the night out, and I think its time to bring this situation to a head and see where it leads you.

shewept · 02/04/2015 07:41

And all the people coming on to talk about their male friend? what is your point?

I brought it up to point out that dh is uncomfortable by one of my male friends so I only see the friend when dh comes with me. I wouldn't want dh to be unhappy and I am happy for him to come along, so is the guy (he doesn't know dh was a bit wary of him). I wouldn't go out with any man dh was uncomfortable with. We are married and I take his feelings into consideration. I would expect dh to take my feelings into consideration if it was reversed.