To be jealous of new female friend

[ABroads]

My DH has recently started up a friendship with a girl he met through a work related conference (they don't work together). She's slightly younger than me but very attractive and single. They have a lot in common and have been meeting for lunches and went for a night out recently. He has been totally open about it and I've seen her messages, which are friendly but usually with a work related twist. I do trust him, but I'm feeling a bit insecure in myself at the moment and frankly jealous that he can have fun lunches and nights out with an attractive girl, without a kid in tow like we usually have.

I'm becoming a horrible jealous and suspicious person and I don't like myself.. But I guess I am jealous and worried about how their relationship will develop.

Christ everyone on here is do suspicious. I have male friends, my DP has female friends. We go out with them alone, I don't assume dp is having an affair or vice versa. My DP is now very good friends with 3 of my make friends but I barely know his female friend.

The issue seems to be that your DH is able to go out and you're probably finding it difficult to do the same (are you a sahm/have main child caring role?) Perhaps you should have a chat with him regarding your ability to socialise.

FWIW OP, I'm happily married but there'd be no chance in hell my DH would be going on nights out or lunches with another woman. Follow your instincts. May be an unpopular opinion on MN but hey ho.

There's no reason for them to meet up really. They don't work together. They met a a conference. Maybe once for " networking" at a lunch but not lots of lunches and dinner! What!?

Does he make time to take you out for dinner ( arrange it all) and you aren't sat at home ironing his underpants waiting for him to get home from a delicious dinner out with a personable and friendly woman?

Tell you feel like going out. He should arrange it all. Or does she ask him, book the table, arrange it all and he just shows up? It would interest me, how hard he works to arrange and meet up with her.

Lunastarfish, of course DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex. But they're not really "new" friends. And, the point is that OP is feeling uncomfortable about it, which is reason enough to bring it up with her DH.

Eigg - no no no to her meeting the DC. I know someone who did that, hiding in plain sight by having his girlfriend secretary babysit for him and his wife, so she never suspected a thing, while the new girlfriend was ingratiating herself with the DC all ready for the break up. Ew.

I don't usually like games, but I think ToffeeBoffin 's is good. Make sure you get your turn to go out for boozy lunches with cute colleagues, and stay out late and dress up and be seen by him as a desirable woman out in the world, not just the wife at home with baby goop on her.

Not sure whether I'd raise it with DP. If he fancies her he'll accuse you of being paranoid, if he doesn't ditto, if he's having an affair, ditto. It wouldn't help much. But maybe make sure she somehow gets to know how amazing you are - how gorgeous or clever or talented, or something that makes her realise you're not a doormat to be ignored. And get to know her so she sees you as a person, not just the hazy background figure.

Whaaaaat? Sorry but no...

The night out was to a networking event and she introduced him to some other people. He then went for dinner with her and her two friends (female, one married) and another guy. I've told him how I feel about it and he has said he will stop meeting up with her. But now I think every time he's late home he's meeting her and just not telling me!!!

He works in media so it's a lot based around networking and going to these stupid events.

Apparently she has just started dating someone!!??

You are married, right?

Horribly disrespectful of you to be doing this.

Work or no, he's taking the piss.

I wouldn't be happy mainly because he is getting lots of free time. Simple question OP, would your dh be ok with it?

Let me be honest, I have 2 male friends one very attractive. His personality is not my type, but he is good looking. I know it makes dh a bit uncomfortable, mainly because all the women we known swoon over him (much to the poor guys embarrassment). The other friend i speak to several times a day and we meet up dh is always invited and usually comes along. The other one (that makes dh uncomfortable) i never meet up with without dh it may seem silly, but if it makes dh unhappy i am happy to do it. Dh and this guy are actually good friends now so its not that much an issue.

From the outside it does seem that your dh is essentially dating this woman. He is enjoying kid free time with another woman and it makes you uncomfortable. You need to speak to him.

Hmmm I would be a bit suspicious of the 'she is dating someone' to be honest.

How did he react when you told him how you feel?

Hmm, you made it sound like they went out alone.

In fact they were at a networking event and she introduced him to new people, thereby increasing his network.

It doesn't sound at all like he's dating her, but like he's made a potentially useful contact.

I can understand why you feel usurped OP but there are some points of your post - and those of subsequent posters - that I'm very uncomfortable with.

You feel insecure because she's a bit younger and attractive and your husband likes her as a friend. She's not making any kind of play for your husband that you can see (or you would have posted it). Your husband is being upfront about his contact with her. Is he looking to find another job in a different area of work?

You won't find this very comforting but people in a marriage can and do fancy other people. They just (hopefully) acknowledge this to themselves and safeguard anything happening, shrugging it off as 'one of those things' because it is. Workplaces are prone and opportune for meeting new people but not all of it is sinister. The lunch meetings, how many have there been and with what gaps in between? The dinner meeting, was it just him and her or both of them with other colleagues?

How often does your husband take you for dinner - or look after his child(ren) so that you can pursue interests of your own? Has he done anything that makes you think that he fancies this woman? Is he less attentive to you?

It's your husband who needs to make the changes to his relationship with her so that you're comfortable, it's not this woman's job and she has done nothing wrong. I can feel the hackles rising in this thread and I don't like it, not one bit.

The other person who needs to step it up is you, OP. If your husband is not giving you cause for concern and worry then your jealousy and anguish over this woman is misplaced and you really need to work on your own self-esteem for your own benefit.

This woman, if she has done nothing more detrimental than be younger and attractive, is not your enemy or any other rotten and much-vaunted suggestion. It's a shame that women feel so badly about other women who have done nothing to deserve mistrust and suspicion. Some women are just horrible, save your ire for them.

cross-posted with lots of people, including OP.

Oh, I feel for you OP.

I definitely want to believe that men and women can be friends without it being inevitably a romantic/sexual thing. I think it is pretty sad to say this can never happen. Or that men and women are somehow being 'disrespectful' to their spouses/partners by becoming friends with each other.

I am totally 100% fine and non-jealous about my DP spending time with his female friends who he goes way back with. He knew them before he knew me, if something was going to happen with them it would have done so when they were younger and single. Or in some cases it DID happen, fizzled out, and they have remained friends.

I have to admit though, I would feel insecure and somewhat fretful in your situation, if DP formed a friendship with a young, single and attractive woman who he had just met. It's one thing if they kept in touch/met up sporadically, but if they are seeing each other every week it's a bit different.

How much is he seeing her, exactly? Has it just been the one night out, and were they alone? Were you invited?

I'd probably insist he invites her round to the house for dinner and/or me go out with them, so I could get a handle on the situation myself.

Lunch = OK
Dinner in the evening (unless its a designated 'work night out' with other colleagues) = massive no chance

I wouldn't be happy about it either.

The night out was to a networking event and she introduced him to some other people. He then went for dinner with her and her two friends (female, one married) and another guy.

Oh, I didn't see that bit.

That is also OK in my mind as its a properly sanctioned work thing, not just the two of them seeking off for a romantic dinner together.

As far as I know it's been 3 or 4 lunches.. Since Feb.. I think just the two of them. Only one night, that was them going alone to a networking event and then going out for dinner with a group afterwards. I'm really not happy about it.. Reasonably or not.. And he was ok when I told him that and said he would stop meeting her. But now I'm getting even more paranoid, because I'm afraid he'll lie about meeting her.

He has never done anything in the past to warrant my paranoia.. Which I acknowledge is my issue...

We both work full time, and I do go out from time to time as well. But we don't get much time out together, especially to the nice restaurants he goes to.. And went to with her and her mates..

Oh he has offered for me to meet her..

He's taking the mick. He's out gallivanting while you're stuck in with the kid/s. No way would I accept that.

Do not be cool about it. If nothing has happened yet, it's certainly brewing. Make sure it's nipped in the bud.

I don't think this is necessarily an issue at all. I am single and have been for lunches/drinks with male friends and work contacts on numerous occasions without any dodginess whatsoever.

The key question is, is she a friend of your marriage? Try to meet her (as your DH has suggested) and see if you get a sense one way or another.

Lunch every now and then with a female friend? No problem.

Nights out? Less comfortable with it, but it really depends on the context and what these nights out entail.

A new female friend suddenly appearing on the scene and he is going out for lunches AND nights out? Nah. Wouldn't be happy.

Nip this in the bud now. If he meets her behind your back then there has got to be something going on. Look for signs. Her 'seeing someone else' is a big sign that he feels under pressure to make it appear like nothing is going on. If he starts being secretive or making up reasons to go out.

It will be the same old story of 'she is fun to be around' or 'I am making useful connections' that's why I kept meeting up with her. I think 4 meet ups since feb is a lot. I would not be happy about this at all.

I personally don't think that making a new friend via work (however attractive she is) means anything bad. It is very possible that he feels comfortable in his love for, and attraction for, you, and has just happened to make a new friend - and to simply suggest he has guilty intentions because he meets up with a friend regularly is really wrong.

I have no idea what he is doing, obviously, but to say he is dating her simply from the info provided in this post is ridiculous!! They might well be great for eachother networking wise and its just a work thing.

I think maybe there is a more general issue-you feel quite downtrodden (I referred to myself feeling like an old washcloth many a time, I get what you are feeling!)-while it feels like your DH is out and about having lunches, meeting friends, and post baby you are also insecure about your body image (I totally get that). Is pretty clear why someone would feel insecure or jealous. I'd talk it out with your husband, be honest and work out ways you can get some more date nights, more of a break, and so on to feel a lot better.

I think most people accept that part of being married, part of respecting your partner is 'staying out of trouble'

Four lunch dates since feb with an attractive, single non colleague is really not staying out of trouble...