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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of new female friend

197 replies

ABroads · 01/04/2015 18:50

My DH has recently started up a friendship with a girl he met through a work related conference (they don't work together). She's slightly younger than me but very attractive and single. They have a lot in common and have been meeting for lunches and went for a night out recently. He has been totally open about it and I've seen her messages, which are friendly but usually with a work related twist. I do trust him, but I'm feeling a bit insecure in myself at the moment and frankly jealous that he can have fun lunches and nights out with an attractive girl, without a kid in tow like we usually have.

I'm becoming a horrible jealous and suspicious person and I don't like myself.. But I guess I am jealous and worried about how their relationship will develop.

OP posts:
lithiumfear · 02/04/2015 10:15

Funny how when these threads pop up, the female 'friend' is always attractive.

They never seem to be "my husband became friends with a late-middle aged woman".... funny that!

Not because that older women aren't funny, great company etc, just can't imagine any man, married or not, investing time in a woman he doesn't find attractive.

Only1scoop · 02/04/2015 10:19

Lithium exactly

uncanny

spence82 · 02/04/2015 10:24

So once you are married you are only allowed to make new friends with people of the same sex?

Some very suspicious people on here

Sallystyle · 02/04/2015 10:33

Again, people coming on to talk about how they have friends of the opposite sex. That is not the point and you are trying to cram your situation into this one.

If you can't tell the difference between having an opposite sex friend who you have known for ages and going to a work conference meeting someone then developing an intense friendship is a short space of time then I don't really know what to say. It's not the opposite sex thing that is the problem. It's the way they met and how close they have become in such a short space of time which rings huge alarm bells.

Do you want to be with someone who is itching for affairs with others

You do realise that most people who have affairs weren't itching to have one before right? sure some might, but were you aware that the majority of them start with spending a lot of time with someone and then boundaries becoming crossed gradually? Of course that is not to say that no one should have friends of the opposite sex but they aren't always without risk, especially not in this situation where he has become very close to a woman he has only just met and doesn't even work with.

If I went to the pub and met a man and decided to go to lunch with him and evenings out my husband would rightly wonder what the fuck is going on. A male friend I work with and have got to know for a while and slowly formed a friendship? not so much.

catontherun · 02/04/2015 10:35

I wouldn't necessarily be jealous, but I would treat it with extreme caution and so should he.

If he is having a night out with her whilst you stay home with the kids then I would be put out that he isn't wanting to do the same with you. It's much more relationship boosting for the two of you to go out without a child, just like he is doing with her iyswim.

From experience, this sort of thing is exactly how affairs (Emotional or Physical) can start and most of us trust our partners until they give us reason not to......the trouble is, by that time the affair has taken root.

I don't think this is jealousy, I think it is being aware that these things happen all to frequently in life and you are naturally not wanting it to happen to your family.

SinglePringle · 02/04/2015 10:58

I've made the point that I've made new friends who were married - we've gone out and got shit faced together. No sex occurred.

sourdrawers · 02/04/2015 11:03

I'd be jealous too OP. Tell him there's trust and all on your part, but...

dreamingbohemian · 02/04/2015 11:03

So once you're married, you can only become friends with unattractive people?

My DH and I have both become friends with attractive people of the opposite sex since we got married. Neither of us see it as a threat to our marriage, what would threaten our marriage is if either of us got jealous and started forbidding friendships etc.

I don't hang out with these guys to flirt or whatever silliness has been posted, we meet up to talk about work and similar interests in what would be boring detail for most people, including our spouses.

It's nothing to do with being a cool wife (god I hate that phrase). DH and I are very happy together, we trust each other -- isn't that what everyone wants? So why undermine that with jealousy and bans on friendship?

In the OP's situation, we are talking about a couple lunches and not really a night out -- it was a networking event and then a bunch of them went out to dinner. I would not personally be worried by this.

Anyway the OP has talked to her DH and he's agreed not to meet her. But I think it would be better for the OP to focus on their own relationship and her own self-esteem, not other people. Her DH is surrounded by attractive women every day, you can't ring-fence people forever.

NorahDentressangle · 02/04/2015 11:14

SinglePringle but are you attractive and young - this is relevant Grin Grin

NorahDentressangle · 02/04/2015 11:16

I don't hang out with these guys to flirt or whatever silliness has been posted

Aah, and the OP's DH's young attractive new close friend thinks the same way obviously ! Errr, you can tell, or at least some posters can, it seems.

Burke1 · 02/04/2015 11:23

There is nothing wrong with this, if there was anything dodgy going on he'd be unlikely to be so open about it. Why would you suspect he would have any interest in her as anything more than a friend? Unless there has previously been some trust issues between you and him, then it's confusing why you would suspect the worst of him. Men and women can be friends you know.

chrome100 · 02/04/2015 11:25

I think YABU. Why can't he have female friends and meet them for lunch? DOn't you have any male friends? It would only be an issue if he were being secretive. I think you need to stop being so jealous.

dreamingbohemian · 02/04/2015 11:30

But why assume the worst? Unless the DH has form for inappropriate behaviour or somehow the OP knows the friend has maliciously broken up marriages before....

I hate the assumption that young attractive women are an automatic danger. How on earth are we supposed to make progress on getting society to treat us as individuals and not based on how we look, if we ourselves distrust women because they are attractive? If we treat pretty girls as so dangerous our husbands can't have lunch with them?

My husband is an adult. He made a promise to me and I expect him to keep it. If he ever gets tempted, that's for him to manage how to get over it, it's not for me to police it. And if he can't or won't do it, if he does cheat, then I'm better off not being married to him anymore anyway.

Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 11:33

I think the point here is if this was friend was male and in exactly the same situation would the OP be worried? By being jealous of this person just because she is female shows that either you immediately think all women want to leap into bed with your DH or that DH can't be trusted, or both. That's the real issue.

dreamingbohemian · 02/04/2015 11:48

Yes, I agree Lavenderice

workadurka · 02/04/2015 12:00

I think bumble hits the nail on the head.

Having female friends - no prob.

Making new female friends - no prob.

Meeting one new female friend and very quickly going out for several 1 on 1 lunches and evenings out - I'd feel uncomfortable with it too.

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 02/04/2015 12:04

To all the ones who think you should be fine with this, I wonder what kind of situation would they find unacceptable regarding a man and woman having a possible fling. What would cause them to be suspicious

snogging is a big clue, telling me is another big clue. Until then i TRUST him completely, as it is just wasted effort.
As i expect him to trust me.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 02/04/2015 12:04

I have a fairly close male friend I met through an amateur show. DH was actually a bit weirded out at first as the friend is our age and single, but after six months or so of being in the show with occasional chatting outside of it, then hanging out at larger group meet ups, and finally the friend inviting DH and I over for dinner, DH now feels reassured that nothing is going on and it is just a normal friendship in the same way as if I had met a woman I gelled with.

If I had been attracted to my friend or if DH felt threatened I wouldn't have persued a friendship with him because it would be very disrespectful to my DH. I hope that he would do the same for me.

I think the issue like others have said is the sudden intensity of it all. Does he have mentionitis, OP?

SinglePringle · 02/04/2015 12:05

I'm SMOKIN'!

Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 12:08

Grin SinglePringle

fairylightsbackintheloft · 02/04/2015 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beginnerrunner · 02/04/2015 15:04

People are allowed friends of the opposite sex. I'm single and would hate it if people judged me as out to 'get' their man just because I happen to be single and friends with some men. I wouldn't ever go after a taken man.

Stillquiteashamed · 02/04/2015 15:18

NC for this. YANBU. 20 years ago when I was 'young and attractive' I got on very well with an older work colleague. Though we didn't work together all the time we also shared a hobby and became friends. Lots of lunches. I babysat for his family. I liked his family. We still ended up having a full-blown affair over a couple of years. He wanted us to go off together. I did love him, I think he loved me, but my conscience woke up, I broke it off and looked for a new job and moved away. 2 years ago we got in touch through FB. He is still with his wife and thanked me for having the sense to pull the plug. I don't know if he told his wife or not. He says he never had another affair. They have a good marriage I believe. But temptations can arise even then. Have a chat with your husband OP. If he does want an affair I guess he will have one at some point, but you may stop something 'just happening' by getting carried away. Good luck

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 02/04/2015 15:43

beginnerrunner Thu 02-Apr-15 15:04:55
People are allowed friends of the opposite sex. I'm single and would hate it if people judged me as out to 'get' their man just because I happen to be single and friends with some men. I wouldn't ever go after a taken man.

Just because you wouldn't, doesn't mean others won't. Single women knowingly go after married men all the time - The responsibility lies with the DH though, to keep the friendship at a level that is comfortable with the OP and to behave appropriately. It's just a tricky grey area because people have different views on what is appropriate.

Lavenderice · 02/04/2015 15:47

single women go after married men all the time

Wow, just wow!

I feel so sorry for these poor men who just don't seem to have the ability to think for themselves!

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