To be jealous of new female friend

[ABroads]

My DH has recently started up a friendship with a girl he met through a work related conference (they don't work together). She's slightly younger than me but very attractive and single. They have a lot in common and have been meeting for lunches and went for a night out recently. He has been totally open about it and I've seen her messages, which are friendly but usually with a work related twist. I do trust him, but I'm feeling a bit insecure in myself at the moment and frankly jealous that he can have fun lunches and nights out with an attractive girl, without a kid in tow like we usually have.

I'm becoming a horrible jealous and suspicious person and I don't like myself.. But I guess I am jealous and worried about how their relationship will develop.

I accept my story isn't really what the op describes but I feel the dynamics of my set up might explain it from the other side. If not then it's my 'poor me' story. I was friends with a guy. I adored him. We became very close very quickly. I used to set him up with suitable friends and vice versa. I even got him a job via one of my other close male friends and they too became close. He was very charismatic and hilarious. He was very kind and generous. He was also very gorgeous but it just wasn't there. Then I met future dh. Dh admitted to feeling a little threatened by him so I arranged for him to come for dinner. They bonded big time and dh's fears were gone. In fact my friend would drive me to antenatal appointments and came to visit after the birth. He even sat by my bedside when I was rushed into hospital with agonising stomach pains and I was out of it on morphine. He held my hand and said he loved me like an adopted sister. .. Then he met his future wife. All of a sudden I was old news. I'm not putting it all on her. I was his friend. It was down to him to "prove" I was no threat. I last saw him when I was 5 months pg with dd1. She is now 9. He did text me occasionally but ignored any suggestion to meet up. So I stopped trying. Mutual friends would tell me about nights out and meals they'd been on. The last straw was seeing his wedding photos via a friend of a friend on FB. Some of our mutual friends (people I introduced him to when he was a newbie to the area) were in the pics. :( I felt very left out and thrown aside. Though my friends were supportive because they were MY friends some freely admitted to seeing off friends (of both sexes) they felt threatened by. I'm over it now but my experience tells me that even if the person knows nothing's going on that usually won't matter. You're gone.

YourMa yes I have also lost a couple good male friends because they were no longer allowed to see me. Really sucked. Nothing ever would have happened in a million years between us.

Conversely, I have a male friend whose wife would have totally been backed on here to tell him not to see me -- I was younger than him, knew him through work, we used to go out to a nice dinner every couple months, and she was working away for months at a time. Danger city, right? Except nothing was ever going to happen, nothing did happen, we were just friends. Eventually they moved away but we still keep in touch. And I have so much respect for her, being so trusting and nice, and not treating me like some tart out to get her husband.

dreamingbohemian, yes, but you are projecting (like many others).

you are not his woman.

Your friend is not the DH in the OP.

But the DH is not the cheaters that everyone else is going on about either

Yes, I agree we are all projecting

Only the OP knows what kind of man her husband is. But if he's never done anything to make her distrust him, I think it's very destructive to be jealous and forbid friendships.

I have also lost a couple good male friends because they were no longer allowed to see me.

Losing one male friend to a crazy jealous psycho wife might be bad luck.

Losing "a couple" starts to look like carelessness.

Unless you believe (as you appear to) that most women are insanely insecure and controlling of totally innocent friendships, it seems likely that there is another reason women don't want you to be friends with their husbands.

Red flag op. Obviously.

Obviously most single women won't go after married men, but some do go all out to get them. There was a woman interviewed on This Morning recently who said she will only sleep with married men and goes out of her way to get them.

If you work, run a home and have DCs how the hell do you find time for all this socializing with men (or anyone else come to that)!

Bathtime. Almost every woman on this thread has told the OP she would tell her own husband not to see this woman anymore. And you are surprised that over the course of 20 years I have lost 2 or 3 male friends?

I don't think most women are psycho, I do think it's quite common for men to be pressured to give up female friendships when relationships turn serious. Sometimes it's probably warranted, other times it's not. I know I didn't do anything wrong and so it's frustrating to have people make assumptions about you.

This isn't a friend before OP which just about voids all the "l have a best friend who's male" stories being presented.

Why does this DH get lunches and dinners out with another woman? ?

Dh has some female friends, some he works with. No way would l be happy with him dating doing dinners just the two of them.

YourMa you obviously weren't that important to your DF. But do you know it was his DW, he might have just decided not to pursue your friendship any more. That happens too, as hard as it is to acknowledge.

YourMa... actually, your post reads like you're not at all over him and it sounds as if it meant a lot more to you than it did to him.

I wouldn't like it if my husband was friends with a woman who posted as you did, it's somehow very proprietorial as if you had 'rights'. That's not on. OP didn't post about the woman behaving this way, nor her husband behaving as your friend did so I still think that she has nothing to be concerned about with the friendship as it is but I'm veering towards thinking that 'nipping in the bud' is actually no bad thing.

Some women (and men) seem to think they are completely irresistible.

I think you're right. But it felt equal at the time. He'd been there through a traumatic experience and was very supportive. I was there for him when he was made homeless. It was a shock to be unceremoniously dumped. I felt the same when my female best friend phased me out in favour of her new fella who screamed in my face that he despised me. I made the effort not to ignore my good friends when I got married and had my baby. My friend (female) recently made contact after 11 years and asked for forgiveness and to be friends again. I said yes. I'm too soft and sentimental. I've been dumped by family, friends, I've lost my dad and grandma in the space of two years... I think I'm just trying to keep the people who mean a lot to me. If he got in contact I'd be thrilled but I know it won't happen as I obviously thought more of him than he did of me (inspite of what he said at the time).

Friendships have many dynamics and quirks. I'm a kind and giving person. I don't think there is any harm saying how I really feel about something that still stings many years down the line. When I met up with my female friend. I had to remind myself that I'd accepted her apology. I'd do the same for him.

Almost every woman on this thread has told the OP she would tell her own husband not to see this woman anymore.

Rubbish.

I'm on this thread and I said it sounded like she was a useful contact in his field and I was far from alone in saying it was fine.

IME it is very rare for men to be pressurised to drop genuine friends who women.

What is more common is for women (and often entire social groups) to freeze out the type of woman who doesn't know how to be friends with men without acting like a girlfriend they aren't shagging.

It's pretty hard to get rid of a real friend, because they won't be someone who only spends time with a man tête à tête, having deep and meaningfuls over dinner.

They won't refer to themselves as "just friends" or go on about how "nothing was going to happen", as if unless there is a penis in a vagina it's fine to otherwise act as a couple.

I have loads of male friends and I've never been ditched by any of them.

Maybe that's because I don't compete with their girlfriends for attention.

I can't be my attractiveness, because I have movie star good looks.

(Yes, Danny DeVito counts as a movie star!)

I've certainly seen some friends ditched who think it was because of a new girlfriend. In all cases the man was quite happy to say goodbye to someone who turned out to be a bit of a drag and a downer on group dynamics.

Not kind admittedly. But men can be terrible users. And are very good at getting women to take the blame for their choices.

100% M/F platonic relationships are rare ime. I recently met up with a very close friend of mine from 30 years ago. We were so close without a hint of attraction. My DH and his wife were both a bit at this sudden and very strong rekindling of friendship via FB. But I went to stay with him and his wife for a night and got on so well with her. I watched the penny drop as she realised there never had been and never would be anything but friendship between us. (He loves tall thin women, I'm small and curvy. She's tall and thin.) I love gentle, clever men, which he is, but have a physical aversion to long necks and blond hair. My tall, dark, chunky OH is a far better match for me, as is his sylphlike dancer of a wife for him. But we do flirt in a boisterous, cousin-ish way and lots of people who've known us a while assume we were together at one point.

Oh god Bathtime definitely. I was witness to my mums abusive marriage complete with alcohol, arrests and hospital visits. Not once did my step dad take responsibility for his behaviour. I've seen women being manipulated and used many times. In fact this thread has been good for me because I've finally been able to have my say. It's also made me realise not all friendships are created equal.

Sorry -missed off the point of that story, which was, this was a long-standing friendship. OP is concerned about a new friendship with a younger woman while she's home with young DC. I think she's right to be wary.

Bathtime that is a brilliant post. You've nailed it. When a 'platonic friendship' mimics a romantic relationship in every other way then it's a danger sign. If a woman and man knock about together and are fine with others being around and fine with meeting partners, then usually we don't react defensively/

Last lines my friends dw is stunning. Very very pretty, tall, tanned with beautiful eyes and long brown hair. She seemed to not mind me initially as I was a short, fat with dyed black hair. I get told I've a pretty face - a lot. :o

Thanks to this thread I now realise I was the dummy who missed the "well, that's that" cue. As much as I hate the word it been cathartic. Truly.

YourMa... That sounds very difficult and painful. It really wasn't you though, it's coming across loud and clear that friendships - good ones - are not transient things for you, they're not to be picked up and dropped at will. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people do not put that much emotional investment in their own relationships and people like you get terribly hurt.

Do you find that you try to protect yourself in your friendships now or are you just the way you are and you'll take your friends as they are?

It's very interesting to me as my mum is an intense sort of friend - would fight to the death for them but gets insanely bent out of shape for very slight things. I'm not like this at all. I have two close friends but only one of them would have the power to hurt me. Perhaps I care for them more than they do for me and that's why, there's an imbalance, albeit slight.

You sound like a very kind and loyal friend, YourMa and I think your male friend has lost more than he realises because even if he contacted you again, your friendship wouldn't be the same, would it? You'd hold something back for sheer self-preservation? He sounds a terrible user.

No, Bathtime, not kind at all. And none of what you write bears any resemblance whatsoever to the friendships that I had and lost. You're being quite presumptive there.

I can't be arsed to go back and count heads but I'm pretty sure the majority of women on this thread have said the OP is right to tell her DH not to see this woman. So I don't know why it's so hard to believe that women can indeed pressure men to break off friendships and sometimes these are genuine friendships that would never have done any harm. Unless you think every time a woman is jealous (as the OP herself admits she is) she is accurate in her assessment of what's going on.

Witch I'm a very loyal friend and don't hold grudges or get jealous at all. I have a group of friends that don't get all butt hurt if they don't get invited to a lunch or day out. For instance one friend had a coupon from her work that treated her and two friends to a posh tea in a hotel. She invited the first two friends she saw that day (one that was me) and that was that. However I couldn't take the time from my wonderful job so she asked the next one she saw. I don't think anyone felt jealous or hurt. Now if it was my cousin she'd insist that she could tag along and I the interests of fairness be included in the voucher and everyone split the cost of the extra guest between them. :o We don't feel the need to pussyfoot around each other.

I'll never stop putting my self out for others and I really really enjoy helping and/or surprising people. But one time I read a thread on here asking about a time someone's done something randomly kind for you and (other than little drawings about how awesome I am from my kids) I couldn't think of a single time anyone ever did. Sad really.

I can't be arsed to go back and count heads but I'm pretty sure the majority of women on this thread have said the OP is right to tell her DH not to see this woman. So I don't know why it's so hard to believe that women can indeed pressure men to break off friendships and sometimes these are genuine friendships that would never have done any harm.

It's hard to believe because the thing people are objecting to is the exclusive and intense nature of this new "friendship".

I think very few people are saying that she should ban her husband from having any friends who are women.

They're saying that it's not OK to start dating someone new when you are married even if you don't shag them.

I disagree, not because I disagree with that premise, but because I think the OP mischaracterised the nature of the friendship. She made it sound like they were going out alone together, when in fact they went together to a networking event and then went for dinner with a group.

If you are being cut out by friends because their girlfriends/wives feel threatened by you, then your "friendship" has already done harm. That's why you're gone - because both of them ultimately agreed you were a problem.

You appear to want to define "harm" as actual PIV sex taking place. But the reality is that relationships can be harmed by friendships that exclude and hurt one partner.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband started going out on dates with anotger woman, but I'm not remotely jealous of his actual friends, even the ones he dated before, because they are friends and behave as such.

Op I can tell you he is dating in plain sight, as I have done exactly what he is doing myself. I didn't want to lose my then boyfriend, so to play safe i told him every time I went out with this other guy. Did I fancy other guy? Hell yes. Your Dh is doing the same.

If you don't show him you mean business now, things won't be good.

Show him you mean business?

My ex-forbade me to see my friends, both male and female. That's how the abuse started.