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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous of new female friend

197 replies

ABroads · 01/04/2015 18:50

My DH has recently started up a friendship with a girl he met through a work related conference (they don't work together). She's slightly younger than me but very attractive and single. They have a lot in common and have been meeting for lunches and went for a night out recently. He has been totally open about it and I've seen her messages, which are friendly but usually with a work related twist. I do trust him, but I'm feeling a bit insecure in myself at the moment and frankly jealous that he can have fun lunches and nights out with an attractive girl, without a kid in tow like we usually have.

I'm becoming a horrible jealous and suspicious person and I don't like myself.. But I guess I am jealous and worried about how their relationship will develop.

OP posts:

Pyjamasandwine · 01/04/2015 20:25

No wouldn't be happy with this op.

Bloody cheeky pair.

Put your foot down. Ask him how he would feel.

I don't like the way this is going. Sorry op.

Plateofcrumbs · 01/04/2015 20:29

I presume he could quite easily not have bothered to tell you about her at all? If there was actually something suspect about the friendship or his feelings?

The only thing which feels 'off' about this to me is the frequency of the contact/meeting over a short space of time - I have lots of male friends and work contacts and people who fall in between those two categories, but I can't think of anyone I have met 4-5 times within a few weeks of meeting them - normally friendships build more slowly than that in my experience.

Laura0806 · 01/04/2015 20:29

How would he feel if you had lunches and an eve out with a new, attractive, male friend?

MadgeFinn · 01/04/2015 20:36

YABU in that you don't like yourself for feeling jealous and uneasy. I don't know anyone who would be happy for their DP to go on a night out with another woman, regardless that she's very attractive. What on earth makes him think that this is acceptable. He's been going out for lunches with her, seen that you're ok with that, then he's upped his game to a night out. Just because he's being open and honest about it doesn't make it right. He's taking you for a fool, if he wants a night out, let it be with you. He needs bringing to his senses fast. If he does it again I wouldn't be there when he got home. Let him realise what he could lose.

CrispyFern · 01/04/2015 20:46

I agree with JohnFarleysRuskin, he is placing himself in a risky situation.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 20:48

oh, networking is it ?

sure it is

I wonder how much dallying outside of marriages has been excused on the basis of "networking"

if my H came out with this shit, I'd imagine he thought I'd had a lobotomy

Pyjamasandwine · 01/04/2015 20:49

Anyfucker yes in a nutshell.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 20:52

OP, it'll be "networking events" requiring an overnight stay next

and ooh, look, the only room left in the whole building was one with two single beds and just them two to share it

mark my words

Quiero · 01/04/2015 20:54

My closest friend at work is a bloke. We've been close friends for 12 years. I've met his wife and kids and vice versa. We text infrequently and generally only when necessary. We've never been for dinner or drinks just the two of us. We've had lunch together but only in the staff canteen. I just cannot see why our relationship would ever be any more than this.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 01/04/2015 20:55

AnyFucker's right.

The overnight stay was in my mind while reading the thread.

Dieu · 01/04/2015 20:57

Put an end to this now, as no good will come of it. Take it from someone who has learnt the hard way

Lucyccfc · 01/04/2015 20:59

Wouldn't bother me at all - it's not like he is hiding it or lying. He's been up front and honest with you.

Would it bother you if it was a young, good looking man he had made friends with. I really don't see that it matters if he has made a new friend who is male or female - so many insecure, jealous people on here screaming 'put your foot down'. How would you feel if he 'put his foot down' and told you who you could be friends with? All the women on here would be shouting 'red flag' and 'LTB'.

I have loads of friends who are men - some younger than me, some older, some good looking, some ugly lol. My DH has never had any issues with me going out with any of them - lunch or a full night out. I've even gone away with some of them for weekends. My DH has done the same, with a female friend, who I then got to know and We now go out more than she did with my DH. My DH has also ended up good friends with some of my male friends.

Sure fire way to push him away (or into her arms) is to carry on with the jealousy and 'put your foot down'.

Invite her round, get to know her, get a babysitter and all go out together.

StickledPink · 01/04/2015 21:00

No I don't like this and no YANBU at all. What strikes me is that he met this women through a work ' conference' and not through actual work. That's odd to suddenly be going on lunch dates and an evening out- as when I've met people before at work related events it's usually very brief ' hello how are you ? What do you do? ' kind of thing and left there, perhaps with a few follow up emails.

The fact that he says he's networking is shit. How much fucking networking can you do whilst lunching out and during evenings?

Agree with others that it should be nipped in the bud. Whether innocent or not, the fact that you, as his wife, aren't comfortable with it, is a good enough reason alone to stop it.

Sallystyle · 01/04/2015 21:24

People are kidding themselves if they think this isn't a potential threat to the marriage. Like it or not it is how most affairs start and hey everyone trusted their partner not to cheat at one point. Divorce courts are full of people who believed their partners didn't have it in them to cheat.

I have male friends but ones I've known for years. I don't think it would go down well if I started texting and going out to lunch with a male I've just met. I know it's not cool to say this but too much chance of boundaries slowly being crossed and while my husband has never done anything to make me distrust him I'm not naive enough to not think a situation like this is potentially dangerous. I'm not saying you can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex; I am myself but this situation is different.

Sallystyle · 01/04/2015 21:26

Agreed with stickledpink. If anyone doesn't think this spell danger then I think that is naive.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 21:26

if I'm not "cool" to some eyes,
so be it

I don't let other people take the piss. That's pretty cool to me. Others may not agree.

Sallystyle · 01/04/2015 21:29

Completely agree AnyFucker. My marriage means too much to me to close my eyes to a potentially dangerous situation. He met her at a conference and now they are best buddies? How likely is it that he spent enough time with her there to build this amazing friendship?

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 21:31

I also wouldn't ever expect my H to swallow this kind of crap from me

When we got married, we decided dating members of the opposite sex was no longer appropriate

toffeeboffin · 01/04/2015 21:39

Totally agree with AnyFucker.

DH and I have a small baby and never go out even together at night for nice meals/drinks - I would hit the roof if he even suggested an evening with some other woman he's just met through work.

Networking? My eye.

Branleuse · 01/04/2015 21:40

I think its ok to say that youre feeling weird about this friendship, that it makes your alarm bells go off more than usual, and youd appreciate it if he would knock this one on the head.

toffeeboffin · 01/04/2015 21:40

'I also wouldn't ever expect my H to swallow this kind of crap from me'.

Me too. It's about mutual respect.

ElizabethHoover · 01/04/2015 21:41

you would hate me and my best mate Steve then.

We are both married.

jerryfudd · 01/04/2015 21:41

Another here that would not be happy with this. If he wants to date why not arrange a sitter and take you out?

I also would not believe the "she's dating someone now" crap - that's just a lie to make you feel better about their relationship and in any event when did having a partner stop people cheating?

areyoubeingserviced · 01/04/2015 21:42

Op, don't let this man make a fool of you.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2015 21:43

hwo long have you known Steve, Elizabeth ?

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