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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or DH? Or me or me?

155 replies

Bestoftimesworstoftimes · 01/04/2015 11:11

Visit to in laws planned. Their place is small and a suggestion was made (from MIL to my husband- she and I don't talk much on phone, language barrier amongst other things) to accommodate us and kids. I vetoed this suggestion in favour of something I thought would suit everyone (all 3 generations) better. Husband relayed it as a joint decision and we are told (assume?) it's fine.

Now, much to my non-surprise, husband has got 'new information' from MIL why it is stressful to do it our way and why she'd prefer it like the original suggestion. He asked what do I think.

I was upset, not so much for the change of plan which fits a pattern of them doing things their way in the end anyway, but because he didn't anticipate my response. I was annoyed that the way he conveyed the situation to me was too clinical and did not recognise that in the past I do always let them have their way in the end, I don't want to cause trouble – we don't see them in their home for a small total of days throughout the year and I'm not out to be demanding. Husband and I have had issues which we are working on where I sometimes feel unappreciated or even downright neglected, particularly where his parents are around or involved and this just sparked something in me.

He thinks by asking my opinion again he was being helpful by leaving it open to me and was willing to support me whatever I would say. I say it is not fair/nice to make me re-decide in the face of new information against my original opinion and he should have realised that my view stays the same but I'm willing to bend it in the circumstances.

Am I asking too much? I'm not saying he should read my mind but based on prior history and us being a close, intimate couple on all other matters, surely this (my response) was obvious! He just didn't verbalise any anticipation of it at all, which to me has echoes of times where I felt invisible.

I am terrified that some bad past experiences are turning me into the kind of wife who is setting him up to fail and what ever he says is wrong- he has made mistakes which he absolutely takes responsibility for and we are working on, but I would be disturbed if I was transforming into someone so negative.

AIBU?

This is a generalisation and slightly off topic (though related) but I'd be particularly interested in hearing from people whose husbands used to be 'mamas boys' and then learned to man up - how did you both cope with the interim period when new habits were being formed?

OP posts:
QOD · 01/04/2015 11:21

What?

What's the plan? Then I may know. It's very complicated

StayingSamVimesGirl · 01/04/2015 11:24

Maybe he was worried that, if he made a decision without asking you what you think, you would have been upset?

I have seen too many threads like this, where husbands just cave in to their parents' wishes, despite knowing their dw's views on whatever it is - better that he talks to you first, imo.

And if he has told his mum that he needs to discuss it with you first, that would be a good thing - it would be showing his mum that he respects your views and is putting them first.

SpringTown46 · 01/04/2015 11:25

On the face of it, it sounds like he can't win. He consulted you, he didn't presume, and will support your opinion. So what more do you want..?

It sounds like you want him to know your opinion and act on it..? But couples often discuss things like this - out of mutual consideration and respect - and sometimes even agree to differ without it meaning anything more than just that.

Your reaction seems disproportionate and you appear to be over-thinking. Which may very well be understandable given the background information.

Hullygully · 01/04/2015 11:25

I am baffled.

CatsCantTwerk · 01/04/2015 11:28

I have read and re read and I have no idea what I have just read Confused

Original poster
Bestoftimesworstoftimes · 01/04/2015 11:29

QOD-
It's not about the actual plan. The change in how to accommodate us is not a huge deal and it is their house after all. It would be different with a more serious issue!

Springtown is right - because that's exactly what I want to be obvious to him - that in this scenario to me, there was only one option left: to bend my opinion and do things their way -- that's not because I am a doormat but because as a healthy empathetic human being I will not unnecessarily cause stress to an old lady with quite a few health issues when it is not essential.

He is trying to move away from not at all 'seeing' me or my needs when he's around his parents but it's coming to the point where we seem to be going to the other extreme where he keeps deferring to me and I find it very wearing.

OP posts:
EeyoresTail · 01/04/2015 11:31

This is too vague to give an opinion on. I need some details to form an opinion Smile

Original poster
Bestoftimesworstoftimes · 01/04/2015 11:32

IABU aren't i? As I said earlier we are going through transition where he is learning to see my needs better and put me first I am just finding it uncomfortable when we are not there yet.
I do have a tendency to overthink it as I see many other posters in this area do, but unfortunately I can't just switch it off and it helps to work things through in my mind. I appreciate any insights people can share particularly if they have been through the same process

OP posts:
EeyoresTail · 01/04/2015 11:33

Oops, cross post Smile
OP is English not your first language?
Your posts are coming across quite stilted.

canweseethebunnies · 01/04/2015 11:34

I don't totally follow, but from the complexity of your thoughts on the subject and the fact that you expect your dh to understand all that and respond how you think he should, I would say YABU. Sorry!

ConfusedAuthor · 01/04/2015 11:36

I have read and re read and I have no idea what I have just read

That's exactly how I feel!

Fairenuff · 01/04/2015 11:37

I think you are making a problem out of this yourself. He has asked what you think/want - tell him.

Original poster
Bestoftimesworstoftimes · 01/04/2015 11:40

Eeyore - English very much my first language and I used to be considered quite good at school. The stiltedness is probably from my writing too formal for this forum - this is my first post - and being slightly embarrassed at having to advise ask advice in the first place.

Bunnies - this was my exact fear. The strange thing is we seem to have gone from 0 to 60 (in terms of him putting me ahead of PIL, trying to see my needs and take them on board) in no time and that is why I am probably giving him the feeling he just can't get it right. Any advice on how to relax about it?

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 01/04/2015 11:40

It's all very confusing without knowing what has beennchanged, to determine if you are being reasonable or not.

Quitelikely · 01/04/2015 11:41

Well he checked with you first - tick

Circumstances changed so he came and checked with you - tick

He is trying - tick

It depends if the change in circumstances is really vital/important or if it's the oils own doing to get their own way.

If the circs have changed without manipulation from the parents then what on earth do you expect your DH to do about it

Also your post is vague. Sorry if you don't understand my reply but I did my best under the Circumstances Grin

Hullygully · 01/04/2015 11:41

Oh I get it now.

I would be patient. When a pendulum has swung too far one way, it tends to then swing too far in the opposite direction before settling comfortably in the middle. Give it time.

The important thing is he is trying to the right thing.

Quitelikely · 01/04/2015 11:41

Not oil meant PiL!

Original poster
Bestoftimesworstoftimes · 01/04/2015 11:46

Quitelikely - I love checklists!
And yes I think it is about in laws getting their own way. Perhaps unconsciously manipulating things to be this way – they are not nasty just a little stuck in a rut. Maybe this is what annoys me he doesn't see?

Hullugully- how to be more patient? My bad memories linked to this (of times when he truly neglected me which he totally recognises and wants to change) seem to be a magnet for irritation, angst and blame . I hate what I've become.

OP posts:
MrsTedCrilly · 01/04/2015 11:54

I get what you mean I think.. you want a balance of him considering what you want and your feelings, without putting all the pressure on you to make decisions.. You want him to pre-empt what you think based on what you've said recently, and he can put this forward to your MIL as a joint decision rather than it looking like he's under the thumb and cowering under your rule! I think? Easter Smile
For now I would not expect this from him so soon, the fact he is being considerate to your feelings is a great step so I would just go with this for now and chill. Then in time he might get better at pre empting your decisions and he won't have to ask so much.

Original poster
Bestoftimesworstoftimes · 01/04/2015 11:59

MrsTC that is so perfectly put. Thank you. I would only add I probably need to compartmentalise better.

OP posts:
loveareadingthanks · 01/04/2015 12:00

I'm a bit confused about what you are working on in your relationship.

However, in this case I think YABU. You made a joint decision about the visit, parents now want to change things, he came back to you to make a joint decision again. whereas you wanted him to make the decision on behalf of both of you, predicting what your response would be. That sounds like the complete opposite of respecting your opinions and needs, to me. Look at threads on here, how many people complain about their partner not consulting them and being 'controlling'.

You want to feel he knows you so well he can predict how you'll feel about something. If he generally can't, so doesn't really know you, then I can see your problem. But in a practical everyday sense - I think it's rude to not consult unless it's essential to make immediate decision and the other person isn't there. In which case you should try to predict their feelings and take them into account. If I went to a restaurant and DP went to the loo when waiter came, I could look at the menu and predict with about 90% accuracy what he'd want to eat. I'd still wait and let him come back and make his own choice. Why wouldn't I? This visit and the arrangements sounds like a big deal - of course he talked to you about it. I would be really annoyed if DP and I had planned a visit, something fundamental was changed by the other people, and he just agreed with them without talking to me about it. Even if I agreed with it, it would still have seemed odd to go ahead without me, unless a delay was going to cause a problem.

Couples run things past each other all the time, even though we can normally predict what the other person is going to want. It's just polite and respectful behaviour. Not a sign that we don't really know each other.

stormtreader · 01/04/2015 12:02

Try and see it from the viewpoint of you and your DH being a team rather than standing on opposing sides.
It doesnt sound like hes pushing you to agree to their plan, hes just saying "theyve now suggested this, what do you think?"

Why is it so difficult to not just reply "I think even with the new information Id prefer us to stick to our plan"? rather than going immediately to "why do I have to justify myself and argue this all over again?"

For all he knows you might have said "oh, with that new information their plan sounds much more acceptable, lets do that then"

loveareadingthanks · 01/04/2015 12:03

Still not getting it. In the past your opinions and feelings were neglected and you were angry (fair enough). Now he's making sure that they are heard and acted upon and you are still angry with him. Confused

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2015 12:09

You want him to pre-empt what you think based on what you've said recently, and he can put this forward to your MIL as a joint decision rather than it looking like he's under the thumb and cowering under your rule! I think

But if he genuinely agreed with you he wouldn't have to think about it. This scenario implies to me that he doesn't agree and is bending to your wishes to keep the peace or because it's fairer for you to decide sometimes rather than him.

Fairenuff · 01/04/2015 12:13

I think you can help by just being clear with him.

Him: MIL wants to do x, what do you think?
You: Hmm, I think it would be better to do y, it would suit us better
Him: Ok, I'll tell her

Him: MIL just got back to me said that she'd rather stick with x, what do you think?
You: I still think y would suit us better.

Job done. What's so hard about that?