Me or DH? Or me or me?

[Bestoftimesworstoftimes]

Visit to in laws planned. Their place is small and a suggestion was made (from MIL to my husband- she and I don't talk much on phone, language barrier amongst other things) to accommodate us and kids. I vetoed this suggestion in favour of something I thought would suit everyone (all 3 generations) better. Husband relayed it as a joint decision and we are told (assume?) it's fine.

Now, much to my non-surprise, husband has got 'new information' from MIL why it is stressful to do it our way and why she'd prefer it like the original suggestion. He asked what do I think.

I was upset, not so much for the change of plan which fits a pattern of them doing things their way in the end anyway, but because he didn't anticipate my response. I was annoyed that the way he conveyed the situation to me was too clinical and did not recognise that in the past I do always let them have their way in the end, I don't want to cause trouble – we don't see them in their home for a small total of days throughout the year and I'm not out to be demanding. Husband and I have had issues which we are working on where I sometimes feel unappreciated or even downright neglected, particularly where his parents are around or involved and this just sparked something in me.

He thinks by asking my opinion again he was being helpful by leaving it open to me and was willing to support me whatever I would say. I say it is not fair/nice to make me re-decide in the face of new information against my original opinion and he should have realised that my view stays the same but I'm willing to bend it in the circumstances.

Am I asking too much? I'm not saying he should read my mind but based on prior history and us being a close, intimate couple on all other matters, surely this (my response) was obvious! He just didn't verbalise any anticipation of it at all, which to me has echoes of times where I felt invisible.

I am terrified that some bad past experiences are turning me into the kind of wife who is setting him up to fail and what ever he says is wrong- he has made mistakes which he absolutely takes responsibility for and we are working on, but I would be disturbed if I was transforming into someone so negative.

AIBU?

This is a generalisation and slightly off topic (though related) but I'd be particularly interested in hearing from people whose husbands used to be 'mamas boys' and then learned to man up - how did you both cope with the interim period when new habits were being formed?

I am finding the whole thread extremely confusing as you have given very little information other than choices x or y and you want y but may bend to x (or was it the other way round??) if you really have to.

Has GetEggy got it right with the example of you wanting to stay in a hotel and visit during the day, yet have your own space in the evening?

It is the only thing I can think of that makes any sense of things.

Are you wanting to stay in a hotel with your husband but his parents have come back to him speaking as if they find it a snub, even though you are not being entirely unreasonable?

Alternatively, are you trying to re-jig the sleeping arrangements in their house to suit yourselves, in which case I think it is their house, their rules.

I'm not trying to criticise you, but it isn't possible to properly judge without more information.

But OP if he had just given in and not relayed the information back to you this would have been him completely disregarding your opinions? Do you want to be in a relationship like that where someone will pre-emptively change plans based on what they think you'll be swayed by?

The key here is you learning to stick to your guns if it's important to do so, you'll benefit from it so much

Mynewpassion - maybe you are right but a bit of me thanks it would not be lose lose l if he had shown awareness. Eg prefaced with ' know you're not going to love this but actually mum really wants x' or 'you're always so good about it when my mother gets stressed what friends are way to make this work even though it's not what you prefer'. I put the word clinically it OP from a reason- he seems detached from me and my thought processes in the way he communicates

Again, best, I think this all sounds a bit making a mountain out of a molehill.

You say the new information from your MIL made it obvious that you and your dh would have to give way in this case and he should have just agreed to it and presented it to you as a fait accompli, BUT should have ensured his parents knew that he was able to make this decision because best is such a lovely person I can agree to change these plans without consulting her. Then you want him to come to you and acknowledge how wonderful you are and that is why he changed the plans to suit his parents because he knew you wouldn't mind.

You're not just setting him up to fail you are setting land mines on that dance floor.

I think you need to stop expecting people to know what you want and how you feel by some mysterious process of osmosis OP and getting upset when they don't. Just start saying what you want and how you feel. Much easier

Having read your most recent posts and reread your earlier posts and MrsTC's post, I am really struggling to understand what you wanted him to do differently.

Imagine he came to you and said "I know you suggested X, but my mum is really fixed on doing Y, could we go with that instead?"

Are you cross because
a) he should have insisted on sticking with X.
b) he should have just told his mum that Y is OK, without involving you.
b) he asked for your input to the decision (he's big enough to make these sorts of calls on his own and you don't really care about the outcome).
c) he forgot to add "I know you are a super flexible and considerate person and I genuinely appreciate that you are even prepared to consider modifying our plans".
d) it doesn't matter what he says, he's choosing his mum over you.

Or some combination of these, or something else entirely?

Mrs cakes probably c) with your second b).
Emotions why is it landmines? Seems harsh. Is it so bad to want some appreciation without having to ask?

Definitely C. I think if he did everything and C, he would have won the jackpot.

She wants acknowledgement and maybe effusive praise for being so understanding and accommodating. If he bought flowers too, that would be a very nice touch. Just being a bit facetious in that last part.

So in your ideal world he would have made a choice (it doesn't matter too much which choice he made) and then thanked you for supporting and accepting his decision (where it is different from your original choice)?

That doesn't sound particularly unreasonable.

Bit OP can't seem to articulate clearly what she wants or expects from her dh besides verbal recognition for being a thoroughly good egg and people pleaser, personally I think she edges more towards martyrdom and it's that she wants to be lauded for.

Do real people actually say things like mrscakes' C? I think you might have unrealistic expectations there.

Imo, the DH did everything right except adding C. That's what the OP ideally wants going forth.

purple , I would say C if it was an extreme hardship for the other person and to make them feel better.

He's consulting you at all times but you still think he needs to be a mind reader?! The fact that he really is asking your opinion makes him a perfect DP and I am actually very envious!

Be grateful and get on with it YABVU.

Depends what you mean by appreciation, best, from what you write your dh is completely unaware of the levels of gratitude you require for being you, hence the setting of landmines comment.

If your dh had just gone ahead and agreed to the change in plans without reference to you would that be enough of a recognition in your eyes that he appreciates you are good enough not to mind, or does he have to verbalise it in a specific way too and, more importantly, does he know this?

I think my DP would have told me what he and his mom had agreed and when I pulled a face said "I know it's a pain but you know what she's like" and given me a kiss and that would have been it

Am I missing something?

And by that, don't mean he wouldn't care how I felt, he just wouldn't have expected me to have a strong reaction, beyond pulling that face

Hold on...

the trip was discussed - MIL wanted you to stay with them - you VETOED this and proffered another suggestion.

This was conveyed and apparently accepted.

THEN it wasn't. Your H has come back to you (as his parents always make him) and asked you if you would change your mind back to doing what MIL wanted you to do all along?

the issue here is YOU for not saying no, I thought long and hard about what suits our family, we agreed it as a family and your parents are emotionally manipulating us to do what THEY want. again. Let's TRY our way and see how it works.

You can't moan about others not respecting your decisions if you don't respect them yourself.

why do you expect appreciation for going along with whatever whenever you are asked? it's expected now, can you see this?

I wonder if your DH is as confused as I am

I think we agree mynewpassion, it is always nice to be told that a sacrifice you've made has been noted and appreciated.

The tone of the op's posts seems like she wants hearts, flowers and her husband prostrate in front of her in gratitude. It sounds like hard work for the husband to guess what's in her head and respond as she wants without her helping hem out with what she's thinking.

Sorry op I think you're making an argument where there doesn't need to be one unless there's a huge back story to this that you haven't shared.

Bitout ofpractice - that's where I'd like to be.

Mrsrosspoldark - i'm grateful that he doesn't let her walk all over me (any more) but you are missing the subtlety that I don't want to make all the decisions and have the weight of everything rest on my choices. And that there is a history I'm trying to get over.

Emotions - I want it verbalised. He knows this. It does not come naturally to him but he understands that it is necessary to help me get over past incidents where my needs were ignored in situations that should never have happened. When I first married him I understood he was the 'strong silent' type and it was find that he was not worlds most forthcoming communicater, but after those events happened I started to need to hear him say these type of things

ok so it sounds like they made a suggestion you made a better one which suited you more as a family mil didnt like it and husband wants you to make the same decision again (which you have already made once) without giving you a single compelling reason as to why you need to remake the decision you already decided? plus of course it makes you look awkward and ridged if you dont agree to doing things there way

its not you its him you are right he should have known

people dont need to make the same decision twice its like ice cream chocolate or strawberry? (chocolate please) then they come back and ask again chocolate or strawberry? they are not offering you anything different your decision is already made!

your issue is with your dh

(my issue is wanting ice cream)

But he actually did MORE than that OP - he came back and asked your opinion again. I don't think my DP would.

I think asking him to verbalise how wonderful you are for behaving like a normal human being is a bit...well...odd to be honest

Maybe DP would run to "you're a star!" along with the kiss but that would be it (if that!)

Ok here goes my 10pence worth.

MIL suggested x
DH discussed with you and you prefered y which was relayed to MIL.
MIL comes back to DH to say she would really like you to still do x.
DH asks you if that's ok.
You say it is ok because doing y was not that important to you and you feel it is obviously more important to MIL to do x than it is to you to do y.

You saying it is ok makes sense to me. You arent that bothered. Perents are notorious for being stuck in their ways and not having enough to worry about. Especially when they are getting on a bit. Go with the flow and pick your battles. This wasnt one of them.

You are not pissed off with DH for the change of plan back to x (which if he had agreed to with without asking would be fair enough), but because he didn't read your mind and say it was ok? He is trying not to overrule you. He is consulting you. Give the guy a break. YABU.

people dont need to make the same decision twice its like ice cream chocolate or strawberry? (chocolate please) then they come back and ask again chocolate or strawberry? they are not offering you anything different your decision is already made!

Except in OP's case it isn't. She admits that she changes her mind. So there is no way he can know for sure what she wants unless he asks her. Which he did.

And what did OP do? She changed her mind.

OP you should have stuck to your first choice. By doing this you are giving him a clear message. If you keep doing this, in future he won't need to ask because he will know that you mean what you say.

Is it too late to change it back now?

So you basically want him to fawn all over you and tell you how wonderful you are for giving them their way? I'm sorry OP but imo you aren't coming across as a particularly nice person.