Me or DH? Or me or me?

[Bestoftimesworstoftimes]

Visit to in laws planned. Their place is small and a suggestion was made (from MIL to my husband- she and I don't talk much on phone, language barrier amongst other things) to accommodate us and kids. I vetoed this suggestion in favour of something I thought would suit everyone (all 3 generations) better. Husband relayed it as a joint decision and we are told (assume?) it's fine.

Now, much to my non-surprise, husband has got 'new information' from MIL why it is stressful to do it our way and why she'd prefer it like the original suggestion. He asked what do I think.

I was upset, not so much for the change of plan which fits a pattern of them doing things their way in the end anyway, but because he didn't anticipate my response. I was annoyed that the way he conveyed the situation to me was too clinical and did not recognise that in the past I do always let them have their way in the end, I don't want to cause trouble – we don't see them in their home for a small total of days throughout the year and I'm not out to be demanding. Husband and I have had issues which we are working on where I sometimes feel unappreciated or even downright neglected, particularly where his parents are around or involved and this just sparked something in me.

He thinks by asking my opinion again he was being helpful by leaving it open to me and was willing to support me whatever I would say. I say it is not fair/nice to make me re-decide in the face of new information against my original opinion and he should have realised that my view stays the same but I'm willing to bend it in the circumstances.

Am I asking too much? I'm not saying he should read my mind but based on prior history and us being a close, intimate couple on all other matters, surely this (my response) was obvious! He just didn't verbalise any anticipation of it at all, which to me has echoes of times where I felt invisible.

I am terrified that some bad past experiences are turning me into the kind of wife who is setting him up to fail and what ever he says is wrong- he has made mistakes which he absolutely takes responsibility for and we are working on, but I would be disturbed if I was transforming into someone so negative.

AIBU?

This is a generalisation and slightly off topic (though related) but I'd be particularly interested in hearing from people whose husbands used to be 'mamas boys' and then learned to man up - how did you both cope with the interim period when new habits were being formed?

I did not change my mind on the old decision- new information that my mother-in-law was too stressed to do it our way came. It is not unreasonable to take this into account and re-evaluate the situation.
My issue it shouldn't be so confusing for my husband – this is what nearly always happens and barring some extreme situations we always end up changing to do it her way!! I want him to understand the difference between extreme and trivial and anticipate what I may say. Sorry if this seems ogreish but he is my spouse not my mate.
Thank you to the posters who understand that we are in a state of flux and trying to learn new habits – both of us - that will make us stronger and more united in all aspects of life including overbearing mothers.

I think what she's saying is that she wants her DH to know instinctively when she means what she says and when she doesn't and sees his inability to anticipate this as a failing on his part. Sorry OP but you sound utterly precious.

YABU.

Have you got someone helping you out? Relate, that sort of thing? It sounds like you need to set realistic expectations for each other or you're both going to spend a lot of time being unhappy.

Genuine question-what is the difference between a spouse and a mate?

This must be the most confusing thread I have ever read.

fairenuff, but the OP does want her husband to know or anticipate what her decision would be and then make a decision accordingly.

Bottom line: the OP wants to be included in the decision making process but also have her husband make decisions without her because he should already know what she wants. All this including praising and acknowledging her.

Minefield alright.

OP what exactly are options X and Y? I have a feeling you are trying to dictate what is going to happen in their home which I think is unreasonable. I have a feeling you are seriously overreacting too. But you have refused to say what actually is the issue at hand. You need to choose your battles - is it worth it? Without knowing what the issue is how can anyone offer advice?

...barring some extreme situations we always end up changing to do it her way!! I want him to understand the difference between extreme and trivial and anticipate what I may say.

You would do much better to be less vague yourself, state what you want and stick to it. If it doesn't suit MIL, maybe forget the whole thing.

You have unrealistic expectations of your dh. How was he to know that you would be happy for him to change plans without consulting you? Just because he knows that you always do what others want? Isn't that what you wanted to change.

Isn't he asking you because, before he just agreed with MIL and expected you to go along with it and that wasn't what you wanted either?

Clearly the issues you had before have resulted in him over compensating and checking everything with you out of fear on his part that if he makes an independent decision you will accuse him of ignoring your needs as he did previously.

He doesn't know what he is able to independently agree to and say/do what Bit's dh does.

Your lines of communication are twisted, you don't want your needs ignored but you want him to unilaterally make some decisions and then apologise and praise you in equal measure for making those decisions.

It's never going to work like this, you both need clarity and to compromise.

I don't think he can win at the moment.

OP, I really think you're making all this more complex than it needs to be.

You want him to anticipate what you might say?

Ok, well he could anticipate that might say

(a) ok, do it MIL's way, you're not that bothered
(b) no, stick to our way, MIL always does this.

How can he know which one to go with?

Relationships shouldn't actually be this hard work.

Seriously.

Sorry but I assumed you were wanting him to not pressure you to change your mind on the decision - with the new update it turns out that you actually ARE changing your mind, but don't want to say that because of a reason I'm not fully understanding.

I don't see how he could win this one, if my partner told me he'd changed a decision we'd made without asking me because he assumed I'd be ok with it I'd be FURIOUS. It's like you want to be a part of the decisions but in some way that allows you to claim it was nothing to do with you.

OP I really think you would benefit from either counselling or just having a really good think about why it is that you just can't seem to speak up for what you want? It seems like both you and your DH don't want to be the "bad guy" and so you're both frantically trying to claim that its the job of the other person to make any decisions that might be viewed as unpopular to even the smallest degree so that you can silently go along with their "controlling" choice.

Which option do YOU think will work best for YOU and your DH? Assume that his in-laws have said "we are equally and totally happy with whichever decision you make", what would you pick?

So, OP, you want your dh to judge for himself what is an extreme or trivial situation and then make a decision for both of you without talking to you if it's trivial, but if he thinks it's extreme he must discuss it with you so you make a joint decision.

OP, his interpretation of trivial vs extreme is no doubt different to yours, ergo, he is never going to be able to predict which situations he is allowed to decide upon.

Aha i'm glad some of the original people have applied a back. They were very helpful to me.
Several points in response are:

Yes relationships shouldn't be this mad or hard – but now I am in this otherwise successful happy relationship I would like to try make it work. Believe it or notwe usually communicate well but we have massive blindspots where his parents and are involved.

Yes we need help setting realistic expectations, that's partly why I posted here and the thread has already definitely helped me have insight into both mine and his behaviours. I think it will stimulate a very fruitful discussion later where we can find some common ground , something to talk about on the way there!

Difference between a spouse and a mate – I didn't realise how strange that looked 'til I read it in your post. What I meant is he is not just another friend - I'm married to him !

Op, can you be a little clearer about what this particular issue actually is.

I think it would help to get this into perspective.

The way you talk about your relationship reminds me more of "business speak". Fruitful discussion to find common ground?! I bet it's just about whether you eat in or out, or stay with MIL or in a hotel.

So if you can share what this particular issue actually is it would help the replies I think.

He is still a human being in his own right, OP, with different views, interpretations, etc., and also an inability to mind read.

Being married doesn't bestow special powers.

Personally OP you are working through your issues, he asked your opinion which, Imo, is right. You are both finding your way, whilst working at your marriage. Its not going to perfect straight away.

To be honest, I would rather dh always asked my opinion on things that impact me, than just assume he knows what I will say. He is a good husband and can usually guess what i will say, but not all the time. I don't expect him to know what I will say/think everytime.

Don't be too hard on yourself or on him. The main things are that he asked you and that you are both trying to make it work.

I hope your talk with your DH is useful.

It might be worth writing down in bullet points exactly what you want to talk about and what you want to achieve by talking. Given how many pp have struggled to understand your POV on this thread, it might help clarify your thoughts and make it easier to stick to the real issues.

Think about how you word your points... "When you do A, it's makes me feel B. If you could do C instead then it would help me because of D".
And let him tell you how all this makes him feel too.

I am really confused now, so you are going along with MILs wishes? And he should have known that you will?

Given the background, I would have assumed if he was going to make any decision it would have made you happy for him to say 'no I am doing what we already decided'.

I can't see how he could have chosen correctly. If he had caved to mil without speaking to you, that would be wrong so he asked your opinion and that seems wrong too.

Op you really need to kinder to yourself and to dh. I know working through problems is hard. But it seems you are making it harder.

best your comment about other posters coming back to the thread indicates you only want to hear that your dh is in the wrong.

You and your dh are different people with different personalities and perspectives you both need to find a meeting point in the middle somewhere and not expect him to change into a different person to accommodate you and vice versa.

Here you are OP; once you've read this, all will become clear, then you can LTB:

therawness.com/why-do-women-expect-men-to-be-mind-readers/

Sorry OP but every single post of yours reads, to me anyway, like one of those loathsome trigonometry/algebra/geometry problems that I could never do at school and still can't do now. I do wish you would just spit out WHAT the actual issue is. Previous posters have tried to get you to make it more clear but apparently that's falling on unwilling or deaf ears. So much of this seems hypothetical or based on previous events of which we know nothing. I don't know if you're being reasonable or not (suspect not though) - I can't understand what you're saying as long as you continue to put it together in this half mysterious half nonsensical way.

emotions and fairfrom- I definitely do NOT only want to hear my DH was wrong.The first couple of pages of posters managed to give me insight without calling me names.

I realise I overcomplicated things, am too hard on both of us and should chill to give us both space.
I realise that even though we have experience of these situations and MIL having form, it is unrealistic to expect him to read my mind about each and every area of conflict. Although it is obvious to me this is one of the situations we should bend to MIL he could not be sure I would say this.
I realise that because he was not sure it was good/right/nice (insert adjective of choice) for him to check with me and I did not credit him enough for this.

There is more but hope that shows already I am willing to be self reflective and am not unwilling.

Op.

Is there any chance You can tell us what the actual problem was/is?

Can you tell us what the plans were and what the plans were changed to?

Christ on a bike.

I feel a bit sorry for your DH, to be honest.