Me or DH? Or me or me?

[Bestoftimesworstoftimes]

Visit to in laws planned. Their place is small and a suggestion was made (from MIL to my husband- she and I don't talk much on phone, language barrier amongst other things) to accommodate us and kids. I vetoed this suggestion in favour of something I thought would suit everyone (all 3 generations) better. Husband relayed it as a joint decision and we are told (assume?) it's fine.

Now, much to my non-surprise, husband has got 'new information' from MIL why it is stressful to do it our way and why she'd prefer it like the original suggestion. He asked what do I think.

I was upset, not so much for the change of plan which fits a pattern of them doing things their way in the end anyway, but because he didn't anticipate my response. I was annoyed that the way he conveyed the situation to me was too clinical and did not recognise that in the past I do always let them have their way in the end, I don't want to cause trouble – we don't see them in their home for a small total of days throughout the year and I'm not out to be demanding. Husband and I have had issues which we are working on where I sometimes feel unappreciated or even downright neglected, particularly where his parents are around or involved and this just sparked something in me.

He thinks by asking my opinion again he was being helpful by leaving it open to me and was willing to support me whatever I would say. I say it is not fair/nice to make me re-decide in the face of new information against my original opinion and he should have realised that my view stays the same but I'm willing to bend it in the circumstances.

Am I asking too much? I'm not saying he should read my mind but based on prior history and us being a close, intimate couple on all other matters, surely this (my response) was obvious! He just didn't verbalise any anticipation of it at all, which to me has echoes of times where I felt invisible.

I am terrified that some bad past experiences are turning me into the kind of wife who is setting him up to fail and what ever he says is wrong- he has made mistakes which he absolutely takes responsibility for and we are working on, but I would be disturbed if I was transforming into someone so negative.

AIBU?

This is a generalisation and slightly off topic (though related) but I'd be particularly interested in hearing from people whose husbands used to be 'mamas boys' and then learned to man up - how did you both cope with the interim period when new habits were being formed?

Yesididmean- Was that in response to my last post? The funny thing is I also feel sorry for him. And for me. AND he feels sorry for both of us. We have had some difficulties and are trying to get to a better place (forgive me for not LTB). If the road is not a straight one and things are blindingly obvious to you are difficult for us who are invested in this history and emotions to see, well not much I can do about that except try to get a reality check. that's why am here

To be honest I don't think what the plans are because...

Op is annoyed mil gets her way to the detriment of op. OPs dh is aware OP isn't happy with this and as a couple they are working on this and their marriage.

Mil tried getting her way again, this time OPs husband (trying to make an effort and realising this is type of situation that upsets OP) didn't fold but decided to ask for OPs opinion

OP is upset that despite her upset at mil getting her own way all the time, dh should have known OP would be ok letting mil have her own way this time.

Basically he was damned if he did and damned of he didn't. For some reason the OP wants praising for giving in, even though she didn't want dh to ask her opinion and is angry at dh.

OP I think you are holding on to anger from before you and dh started working on things and at the moment you are finding any excuse to let it out. So I am not going to trash you for it. I think your issues with dh have had more of an impact than you thought.

Ooops the first line should read 'i don't think it matters what the plans are'

OP, April's Fool jokes, are only valid up to midday (or are you Yoda)?

Have you been drinking? Serious question. That last post doesn't actually make any sense.

People are asking you what the issue with your MIL (that your Dh should have or shouldn't have asked you about) actually is.

I think it is important as it lends perspective.

But you are so busy saying what you want to say spouting gibberish , you aren't actually answering the repeated question. There is a communication issue, for sure, but have you genuinely considered it might be the way you communicate?

If your conversations with your dh are anything like this thread...well, it's like wrestling jelly!

OP, I have not called you names at any point in this thread, that's not my style. I may have come across as harsh to you but, in my opinion, I wasn't being so.

I have tried to get you to see how what you are saying/doing comes across to an objective outsider and explain how if an outsider is confused by the lack of clarity in your arguments and the contradictions therein how much more intractable it is for your dh who is in the middle of it.

I also never suggested you LTB, just make the lines of communication clearer and the objectives more achievable.

Gosh reading this is very hard work.

emotions you did not call me names.I did find your first posts somewhat strong but I hear what you are saying and glad I read them anyway. No one told me to LTB but there were references to it which is silly. We are far from that - not in crisis just trying to work things out.

yesididmean- love that phrase wrestling jelly! it will appeal to dh too i can see it becoming our catchphrase for when we start to downslide into this kind of mess in future conversations. thanks for that . and if you read the substance of my OP you will see i do indeed think it could be my communication that is the problem - from the start i intended the OP to read less as 'was DH wrong' and more of 'am i becoming my own worst nightmare'. it seems i am and this thread is another step on the way for me to loosen up. As some posters have identified the past is too much present in my mind and i need to let go if we are to move forward together.

OP is upset that despite her upset at mil getting her own way all the time, dh should have known OP would be ok letting mil have her own way this time.

Yes, I think this what OP is trying to say.

And, on top of that, he should have told OP how grateful he was for her being so kind.

Or something

I wish you all the best in finding a happy compromise and for you both to understand and realise when you are your own worst nightmares!

Hopefully it will become something you both recognise and can laugh about together as a 'couple in-joke', dh and I have these he will know just by the look on my face if he's doing it and vice versa, it stops things escalating and getting out of proportion. Maybe you can come up with some phrases that you can use, ones that are not accusatory but light and friendly, the wrestling jelly one could be very apt and a signal for you both.

We also have 'get things back into proportion' phrases.

Thanks emotions. That sounds exactly right. You know your language is very reminiscent if the John Gottman book we are reading?

Oooh I'm intrigued now, I've never heard of John Gottman.

I don't think it matters what the actual choices were.

OP, I think being acknowledged is important, him to you and you to him. Just don't expect it every time or it becomes unimportant.

He is trying but don't expect him to read your mind or do it right.

Oh so you're not him (disapponted)

Seven keys to an effective marriage - fabulous, sane, intelligent book. The premise of it is that he studied happy couples in a 'love lab' to be able to identify what they do different to unhappy ones (rather than many other books based on 'what goes wrong' from the authors clients in a couple therapy practice- nothing wrong with those but I find this book different with an edge) About the closest you'll get to empirical research in this field and very very interesting. Also written very readable.

I googled him - Professor Emeritus in Psychology, sorry to disappoint I cannot claim to have such lofty credentials.

Glad you are finding his book helpful, I was dreading you saying the opposite!

OP are you actually going to answer the question asked multiple times?!?! What on earth happened/has been changed that has upset you so much?

Auntie - I have explained multiple times throughout this thread that it was not the change that upset me. The actual outcomes of the original scenario are relevant. I got upset because of the way I perceived my husband's way of presenting the question to me and the associated decision making process.

This thread has helped me realise what I was suspicious of to begin with – in fact the reason I started it was to check this – that my expectations of how we communicate are not always realistic. This means that without intentionally meaning to I am setting him up to fail.

Part of my confusion and uptightedness come from historical issues between me and my husband that we are working to resolve. Again, I just needed some perspective on the general pattern highlighted in this particular incident not the actual choices.

Sorry meant the actually outcomes are NOT relevant !

This happens to me all the time.
Everyone is polite & nobody is pushy but I end up at the bottom of the decision pile.
I have no solution.
I only go every second now to preserve my sanity , Dh is fine with this.

^ Every second visit now

Well if you won't say what the situation is I can only speculate that you are being a drama queen and totally overreacting.

As I have said earlier - choose your battles wisely. Is it really worth getting so wound up over it?

I actually find you quite frustrating to communicate with and I susoect your inlaws and OH may feel the same

OP, I struggled to understand most of your posts.

I feel like you are trying to be even handed and neutral but it is reading as extremely vague and evasive to (I think) a lot of people posting. I think this is for two reasons. 1 - you are in two minds over an issue and so your thoughts sound confused and contradictory. But 2 - I think you have a set of strong moral beliefs/code that you live by and your actions are in line with those beliefs. The problem is that no one else knows what they are. You won't explain the situation for fear of being judged. So to us, you almost sound drunk. Your comments seem irrational and random.

I'm guessing it feels the same to your husband sometimes. Whether he is right or wrong, please consider that your communication may be part of the issue.

It's absolutely amazing that we have now all but filled 5 pages of discussion when we don't even know what the issue actually is.

I've not seen a thread like this before. Actually, it is a bit frustrating really.

If the road is not a straight one and things are blindingly obvious to you are difficult for us who are invested in this history and emotions to see, well not much I can do about that except try to get a reality check.

I think this sentence from the OP explains the situation quite clearly.

Not.