Think future DIL is trying to separate us from our DS

[LifeAndThymes]

DS moved out from our home about 4 years ago, to set up home with his then girlfriend, which we were over the moon about. However she subsequently cheated on him, several times, and, understandably, they split up. Only 5 months later he started dating another young woman and she moved in with him after 8 months together which I thought was fast, especially as she had a daughter, 7 years old at the time, but she seemed very nice and sweet so I was happy for DS. Since then however I've started to see a different side of her and worry she's trying to take over DS's life and stop him being so close to his family, especially as DS is so gentle and will do anything for anyone so might be a 'soft touch' for her to control.

It's difficult to make clear what I mean as it's every day/week things but some major things are;

They moved 170 miles away 6 months ago when DS had always lived in the same town, with all his close family and friends and most of his extended family here, and he'd never before even hinted at wanting to move away.

They got engaged last month when I know DS wasn't at all keen before on marriage after the betrayal of his last girlfriend, so I'm assuming she instigated the idea. They're already talking about dates in a year or so, so it's not a long engagement type thing.

They came to us for Christmas last year but mentioned about having to alternate Christmas Day between our family and her parents as we're now too far away to do both in one day, which left me reeling as we've always spent Christmas together as a family, DD and her now DH have been happy to do the same (SonIL sees his mother in the evening but they live close to us). No idea what Christmas will be like without DS, and DIL-to-be hinted that they might have some Christmases for just the 3 of them so I don't know how many family ones we'll even have.

On a smaller but far more frequent scale I feel DIL constantly tries to control my DS's life and doesn't want any input from me or my DH (DS's father) to interrupt that. Often I'll suggest something to DS or give some (asked for) advice and he'll genuinely agree and then 9 times out of 10 he'll come back later having spoken to DIL and say 'oh we've decided something different' as she seems to run his life for him. She talks for him some times, seems to decide a lot for both of them even if it's something mainly concerning DS, and is very stubborn/strong willed,eg I was harmlessly ribbing DS one day about a silly mistake he'd made and she roundly told me off as if I was a child!

Really feel as though we're being pushed out, DIL regularly refers to DS, her and her daughter as 'our family' and we seem to be more and more like acquaintances. Worried that soon we'll be completely out of his life.

The thread had gone off the boil , it's been done over and over again, what's to gain?

It went 'off the boil' at the end of March when OP stopped posting. It's April now and people have been posting every day since... including the thread monitors, the arse-kissers and those who don't take kindly to being told to stop posting by those who perhaps should sit on their own hands.

I wondered that too, WhitePhantom, perhaps they had an offline exchange. It was very vague on the thread, certainly. Who knows?

I hope OP can reign herself in a bit because some things are hard to forget even if they can be forgiven. Family is complicated sometimes.

this thread reminds me of this poem:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

hope you are ok, OP.

Hope this helps you make a shift in your thinking, OP. Good advice given harshly - sums up the MN experience. But it is very good advice and it will help you move to the next stage with your DS if you allow it to. Think of this as a process of adjustment to the change in your family. Your DS has grown up and this is taking you some effort to get used to. YANBU to find it difficult.

I was thinking of that poem to Abitsceptical came back on with intention of posting it. Wish there was a "like" button!

My son is on the cusp of adulthood and I never imagined how hard it would be. When they're small, you really have no idea.

I hope I'm letting go gracefully because I want him to be happy and to meet someone who loves him. If that takes him to the other side of the world, then so be it. However I can also see that the op is struggling and sympathise. It doesn't matter how prepared you think you are or how many hobbies you have (plenty, thank you), it can hit you sideways. It's also something we will all go through and it's a shame we can't be kinder to each other about it.

So true, Floisme. I grew up and went to the other side of the world and that was my understanding of what children do, but the six months my dd lived on the other side of the world, the most exciting days of my week were when we skyped.

'One more thing op, please treat her child as if she was your sons. At some point they may have kids and if you treat this girl differently your dil will avoid time with you to protect her daughter.'

YYY Butterfly.

exMIL distinguished between grandchildren. There were two who were her DIL's from a previous marriage and she never treated them the same as their half brother and half sisters. Even now when they are grown adults she gives them a tenner in an envelope for Christmas and snubs them in a multitude of other ways. exMIL flatly contradicted one of my DCs when she said she had X number of cousins -- MIL's total was two short of DD1's. This required explanation from me both as to how her family of cousins came together and also my judgement of gramma's warped views.

abit lovely lovely poem.